Superhell!
by A Perfect Devil
Summary: After Ciel becomes a demon, Sebastian brings him back down to the land of demons to show him what being a demon is really about- rockstardom and bad puns.
1. let's go to hell

___Minor edit as of July '11: Some of the content in this may be considered offensive to your religious beliefs. I do not intend to shame you for your particular religious beliefs and I respect that everyone has a choice to believe in whatever faith they want, or to even not believe in anything at all. This story was written from an atheist's point-of-view and uses imagery of god, satan, and hell in ways that are not conventional and maybe be considered 'blasphemous'. It it is not my intention to spread hate on any particular religious group, but rather spread hate on the apathetic, soul-rotting nature of modern american culture by using hell and demons and satan as a mechanism to do so. I apologize for any confusion this may have caused in the past. _

_What up- new fanfic. Consider this my very own, original, low-brow, trashy, debauched, and insane rendition of what season three would be like. Don't you dare call it an alternate universe fic, but feel free to call it anything else in comments, referencing and what-not. I really don't mind as long as the words "alternate" and "universe" are never written in succession. Happy reading folks._

"Is this really hell?" Ciel asked, as he was sitting in a stark white waiting room that smelled like disinfectants and was more like a futuristic doctor's office than burning volcano rape dungeon.

"Not exactly." Sebastian said. "We were intercepted by the transmitter which means that Lucifer wants something out of us. It's probably not a big deal but she once killed a demon for scuffing her shoes."

"_Lovely_. What kills me? The waiting, or the scuffing?" Ciel asked and Sebastian shrugged. Ciel noticed back issues of magazines like "Capital Punishment Quarterly" and "Human Cooking" and he was pretty sure the second wasn't a guide for the average chef. He felt this anxious feeling and he had only a few days of this whole immortality thing and Ciel kind of wanted in the very least, an extra hundred years. Just because he was assuming that he could.

"What up, slave boy?" called a short red haired demon who seemed to atomize in the chair next to Sebastian.

"Greetings, Lucifer. May I ask why you want to call us for counsel?"

"Well… firstly, I want to mock you for being such an idiot, then you're being fined for ten million dollars oh- and we have to give shorty over there proper training or he'll be utterly lost."

"Ten million? For _what?" _Sebastian asked and Lucifer pulled out a binder taking out a file.

"For damaging the isle of the demons in excess of two million dollars, for the murder of Claude Faustus, for losing the leviathan, for the death of Hannah Anafeloz and for unauthorized transformations of humans. Also there's an extra fee for making me get up in the morning to do this."

"Firstly, Hannah's death was a suicide and Earl Phantomhive becoming a demon was entirely against my will."

"Don't care. Now pay up or I burn your house down." Lucifer said and Sebastian pulled out his wallet, handin the entire thing to Lucifer, who swallowed it for safe keeping.

"Thankyou. I will assume that Earl Phantomhive's name will stay the same and that you're now stuck as Sebastian." Lucifer filled in the various legal name change forms on her clip board after inspecting his old identification card.

"Yes." Sebastian sighed. He hated all the form work, they'd be here for days.

"Oh, that's harsh. It's not an entirely awful name, at least it's not like he named you after a dog or anything." Sebastian looked completely miserable but Ciel for once, did not.

"I did." Ciel added in.

"You poor fucker." Lucifer tried not to giggle at it, but she just couldn't help it. She snapped and a door way leading to a basement on the door was opened.

"Come here, Mr. Phantomhive. I need to inspect you." Ciel stood up and followed her down into the basement while Sebastian remained in the waiting room reading "Human Cooking Monthly".

The inside of Satan's basement was closer to what Ciel had expected though it was still far more sterile looking than he might've thought. This was not exactly comforting as the walls were covered with surgical implements. Some, like surgical scissors and needles and speculums, he had seen. Other like a large mechanical circular saw he winced at the thought of going near his body. Just hanging on the wall adjacent to him was close enough to make him squirm. He never minded going to the doctors office when the doctor in question was his aunt who he trusted to not kill him. He seemed to be incredibly suspicious of getting 'inspected' by well, one very infamous demon.

"Take your clothes off." Lucifer said, and at once Ciel did what she said, mostly because he was not-that-secretly terrified of becoming soup de jour, or whatever it was they did with the tiny fleshy demons.

"You don't look too starved." Lucifer said, poking Ciel's barely visible ribs with a pen.

"I ate before coming here." Ciel said and she rolled her eyes and sighed.

"You're not really supposed to have proper food until a year after this, it'll make you sick. Who did you eat, anyone special?"

"My fiancé. She was like a cupcake." Ciel said, making the only comparison he could find that equated the taste of humans soul to what a normal human food item would be.

"If you get sick then you might have to regurgitate what is left of her soul. For a fledgling like you should only consume blood or flesh because the amount of energy in the pure soul might over work your system and make you sick." Lucifer scolded him but really, she was scolding Sebastian more than she was scolding Ciel. As if trying to kill the poor fledgling wasn't enough of a poor start for him.

"Your core temperature seems just about right and you don't seem to be forming any strange or abnormal mutations from the process."

"Define strange." Ciel said.

"Well, you'll probably grow horns and fangs within the next century. I don't feel the start of any extra limbs or organs. It happens often when you start out like a human. All your genes have to change into something else so mutations are common and can't be easily corrected."

"You said I don't have those."

"No, I said that I did not feel anything. You could, but I would not worry about it. It only hurts when we saw the limbs off."

"That is not reassuring."

"Maybe you should thought about that when you made that pact with Alois Trancy and Hannah Anafeloz, hmmm?" Lucifer asked and Ciel knew she was right.

Ciel buttoned up his blouse an he was surprise he actually manage to get the buttons done up in the correct order. He remembered what Auntie Anne would say- work from the bottom up. He still couldn't manage to tie up his cravat so he decided that Sebastian would be the one to do that. Lucifer turned off the lights in the room and as they walked up the stairs back into the empty eggshell white room the door beneath their feet had vanished.

"He seems to be mutation free and healthy but stop telling him to eat souls." Lucifer flicked her nails against the side of Sebastian's head.

"Oh, and before you go home you have to go take the demonic competency test." Lucifer mentioned.

"Where?"

"Just walk out the front door an you'll be there." Lucifer pushed them out the door of the waiting of the waiting room and Ciel was confused as to just how he would get there.


	2. a revenge built for two

The second Ciel walked into the room Sebastian was no longer behind him and he was in a dark room with one other person and a table. On the table was a pile of papers and a fountain pen; in front of it was a large flat black surface Ciel could not understand the purpose of.

"Sit down." the man commanded him and in close range Ciel knew exactly who he was- the reaper, William Spears, was it? Ciel sat at the metal chair at the table and looked around suspiciously as if this entire from ordeal was some elaborate trap.

"You will be taking the demonic competency test. First you will watch an informative video and after that you will take a twenty point oral exam on the contents of the video. You must answer all of the questions correctly or you will be taken to an area in which you will then be terminated. You may not take notes on paper or any body parts whether they be physical or otherwise. You may not cheat. You may not receive help answering the questions. You may not answer the question with another questions. The video will not be stopped for you. There will be no bathroom breaks. There will be no use of telecommunications. There will be no use of magical writing devices. There is absolutely no use of mind link connections. Failure to meet these guidelines will result in your termination. Do you accept these terms, Mr. Phantomhive?" he asked and Ciel just nodded, barely able to process half of what he just said. It didn't matter if he accepted or not- he'd have to do it anyways.

William turned the television on which made Ciel jump a bit. He had a television set in his house, but for some reason this massive, black, paper-thin television was down right intimidating compared to his black and white tv that took up most of a good sized wall. The image was crisp and clear in color as if everything were real and coming for him in his sleep.

**An Explanation of Modern Demon History and Culture**

**Written by: Lucifer**

**Filmed by: Lucifer**

**Starring: Lucifer**

**Directed by: Lucifer**

**Paid for and Distributed by: Lucifer**

_The demon race began it's modern civilization over two million years ago, during a major ice age on the surface of the earth. It is estimated that we have been on the earth for as long as thirty million years before that but it debated and nobody seems to care long enough to find out. The planet most affectionately call hell has been inhabited by demons and their elected human minorities for about fifteen thousand years._

_The origin of hell is simply that it exists because it needed to happen. The earth only has a set limit to how many persons it may hold. While it would have been possible to exist on earth it would have not been pleasant for any one so we deiced to move. While others took their paths to create alternate dimensions Il, Lucifer had a much better idea. In the universe there are trillions of planets capable of life- so why bother creating another parallel universe while we have this beautiful place to use up? So I began my search for this lovely place that I would hope we can all equally call home. Firstly- I looked up the location. We are not too terribly far away from Earth being approximately 2.6 million light years away. Hell is technically a planet named Aromedus 118- as it was the one hundred and eighteenth planet I had explore in order to find the ideal surface is technically a moon that circles another massive but inhabitable planet. It approximately 2.5 time the size of earth and so far only 25% of the planet has been cultivated and there are absolutely no plans to increase expansion for at least another one hundred thousand year. The average surface temperate is about one hundred degrees fare height. The atmosphere has a two percent increase of oxygen in content and this has proven be both beneficial to the health demons and some humans who are elected to inhabit it. The weather patterns are about the same as they are on earth with the exception that tidal-linked waves are generally considered to be much higher and for this reason all housing must be within one hundred miles inland. All housing bordering rivers streams and lake must be one mile inland or your ass will hauled out of there and you will be given a hefty fine and possible capital punishment. It is for your own good._

_One year lasts for exactly four hundred days, there are no leap years there no minus years there is no error in this calculation. So far, there are no national holidays but it is considered to be polite and not kill your neighbors for putting crucifixes in their lawn at Christmas time. Yes, it is offensive to us and I know they probably will never learn but setting someone on fire because you hate the sight is not polite and may result in capital punishment or termination based on the severity of your defense. It is however considered completely acceptable if you would to celebrate holidays publicly provided that they do not contain human sacrifice without a permit._

Ciel was feeling sleepy- what the hell did he care if someone had a damn cross in their lawn and who the hell actually did that on Christmas? He felt a headache coming on and he felt like termination seemed like a pretty handy nap. Yet he failed to sleep or even reach a state of tiredness as the movie went on.

_Upon visiting Hell you may wonder- why does everything look so clean? That is because at this point in time most technological advances are about two thousand years ahead of earth's. meaning we have indoor plumbing, electronic that can fit in your pocket and this has made everyone incredibly lazy. Hell however, is a purely democratic society and so there is nothing that can stop this mass migration to laziness without needing a cultural revolution- something that is doomed to never actually happen._

Ciel really wished that the adrenaline running through veins wasn't always on high since he became a demon. He could feel William Spears's neon green eyes burning a hole of hate into his back.

"I will begin your oral exam in precisely five minutes."

"If it is an oral exam then why is there a pen and paper?" Ciel asked. If he were not allowed to take note or to receive help or cheat without being 'terminated'- then why bother even supplying it?

"Most demons would have used it to fashion a shank and attempt to murder me with it. I commend your efforts to play fair, it is a rare occurrence."

It was possibly the most nerve wracking five minutes he had so far in his new life, it was right up with killing his beloved. Except it took about four minutes and forty-five seconds longer. Ciel knew he was pretty much fucked because he couldn't concentrate on anything, anything at all and that video as nothing but self-gratifying bullshit. He just felt so goddamn fidgety and couldn't remember anything, not even his name but he was pretty sure that his reign of irony on Sebastian was about to meet an untimely end.

"What is your name?"

"Ciel Dietrich Phantomhive." he answered, including his middle name, but only the first one because he honestly, and truly hated the name James.

"Where in the galaxy Andromeda is hell located?"

"That is classified information and not covered in the video because the reapers proctor all exams." Ciel was not used to these high pressure exams. As a sickly child he was home schooled and his grades were part o the tutors paycheck. As rich orphan he was left to do whatever the damn hell he wanted to while other boys his age were sent off to some boarding school.

"Correct. What are the correct procedures when contracting with a human?"

"The contract is negotiated with both parties and there is no set procedure." Ciel answered. He didn't know if he was right- that wasn't there! He didn't pay a dime of attention to the damn movie and he knew for a fact that was never brought up or covered. This was a trap- he knew it. Both he and William new for a damn fact that had gotten it wrong, that he was going to die.

"Congratulations, Phantomhive. You pass." William said. Ciel couldn't believe it, and a part of him was betting that William would give his left eye to see him get killed, but apparently not.

"I don't understand." Ciel started off but was cut off.

"There is nothing that says that I have to be honest, and my hatred lies with that filthy butler you own."

Ciel understood perfectly. Lucifer came out from the ceiling, and Ciel was started to get used to how she worked. She came bearing a small (by Victorian standards) camera. Sebastian was with her and he and William spent a decent length span of thirty seconds glaring at each other before William did the unexpected. He burst out into laugher, the sound of him cackling like a mad man was enough to scare Satan herself.

"I had to see it, I just had to!" William was barely able to hold himself up and had to use the desk as support as he cackling continued.

"Fuck you and fuck your midget mum Spears." Sebastian said and William walked him self out the exam room; still laughing his ass off for the first time in about one hundred years. They say every time William laughs Grell Sutcliffe is left sobbing on the bathroom floor but that is another story entirely.

"Well _somebody _is an awful sore loser." Ciel said and Sebastian sighed. He wasn't a sore loser per say, he had just been humiliated and enslaved for all eternity by a human child. That was a perfectly logical thing to be upset by.

Ciel cried out when Lucifer's camera sent a huge flash of light directly into his eyes. Being naturally light colored, his eye were quite sensitive to the sunlight and the fact that he was now able to see more than one wavelength of light his eyes were burning with both pain and some kind of rage.

"Sorry kid. Heres your ID." Lucifer said, holding out the ID for Ciel to take it but the second his hand got close she held it up over her head. While she was just hardly taller than Ciel, it was high enough that he couldn't even reach it if he wore Sebastian's boots and stood on a chair at the same time.

"Just one more thing." she said, and next to her walked out a fat cat. It was a Scottish fold, a bit chubby and white with some orange splotches and big round brown eyes. Sebastian could not contain himself. He absolutely had to pick up this darling kitty and nuzzle it to his chest, kissing it on the head.

"Kitty~ what is your name? Is it…. Creamsicle?" he asked.

"No Jeff."

"Orangey!" Sebastian squished the cats squishy pink paw pads.

"Jeff."

"Hmm….. Maybe we can call you patches before-" the cat swatted at his face.

"My name is Jeff. J-E-F-F!" the cat yowled at him. Sebastian dropped him out of surprise. Lucifer sighed while Jeff jumped on her shoulder and hissed at Sebastian.

"This is Jeff. We're trying to add more earth animals here in hell so I did some alchemy and Jeff has been genetically enhanced to be super soft, hypoallergenic, and he won't get sick from the heat. Also he can talk. I thought you would be the best home for him." she said, and Jeff wrapped his floppy body around her shoulders and gave him that kitty glare.

"He seems like a real douche bag." Jeff commented.

"I know Jeff, I know. I can't have you with me all day; you know how busy I am being the patron saint of hell. Besides, Sebby over there loves kitties and his house is full of furniture you can destroy."

"Okay, but if he pisses me off I will mutilate his face."

"That seems fair to me." Lucifer said. "Shake on it you two." Sebastian and Jeff shook hand and paw. Jeff jumped himself on Sebastian's shoulder. Being quite the chubby cat he was really quite heavy and had to anchor himself unto Sebastian's skinny shoulders with his claws.

Jeff touched his paw to Ciel's face and for the first time, Ciel was finally starting to get the appeal of cats. Ciel both agree with Jeff's finds on Sebastian's personality and he also found that Jeff was incredibly soft and kind of really wanted to use him as a pillow and drift of to sleep. Ciel reached up to pet Jeff and felt strangely calmed by the purring sounds the cat made. Sebastian would've pet Jeff too but every time he got close Jeff sank his claws further into his shoulder. The first pet cat he gets and it hates him.

_INTRODUCING... JEFF! _

_He is the greatest Kuroshitsuji OC ever made and will always have that title. Nothing can compare. Nobody can argue. There is no competition. Jeff is that awesome. Everybody knows it. You know it. I know it. Truth. _


	3. that better be fucking import coffee

"So…. Sebby. You got any coffee at your place?" Jeff asked.

"No."

"Then you better go get some coffee and eats before we get home because man, I am starving." Jeff said, purring and rubbing his head against Sebastian's chin. A cat was a cat and talking or not Sebastian just could not stand up to the promises of little kitty purrs.

Hell was much nicer than Ciel thought it might be. It was hotter beyond any heat Ciel had known in his entire life and he likened walking outside from the building Satan had him in to walking into an oven. Of course Sebastian made him change into more… heat friendly clothing but Ciel still felt like he was melting, even if he showed no visible signs of it. The roads were paved with what Sebastian told him was just standard asphalt an concrete, but it just looked so smooth and sleek compared to the cobble stones he was used to. The automobiles also looked very different with most demons riding what Ciel thought was a modified penny farthing. He was told it would be different but not this different.

He also noted that while the sky had a slight more purple looking color that it was over all far cleaner than any air he had encountered back on earth. Everything was bright and clear with about two normal sized suns and about four or five very smaller ones that you could only see if you were told to look for them. Ciel wasn't paying attention to where he was going an Sebastian had to pull him over by his arm a few times just to keep him from getting run over by a car.

"Hey kid!" Jeff said, swatting Ciel's feathery head piece. "Pay attentioooon."

"Shut up, cat." Ciel shot Jeff a glare and he was smacked again.

"I am a cat and you will obey me. Because I am a cat. My chin needs scratching." Ciel reached up and scratched underneath Jeff's chin, the cat purred some more and appeared to be quite satisfied so Ciel stopped for a second.

"Did I say to stop?" Jeff asked an Ciel kept scratching and Jeff kept purring until they got to the grocery store. Which is what Sebastian told him it was, Ciel had never been to one in his entire life.

The inside of it was black and seemingly sterile. Ciel noticed that much of the food on the shelves was actually remarkably similar to food on earth which surprised him. He was half expecting human body parts hanging from meat hooks on the ceiling.

"Sebastian. Why does everything in here look so earthly?" he asked.

"Most of us have been alive long enough that we were born there and liked it. That and the humans that live here still like to eat even though they don't exactly need to."

"Whats that?" Ciel asked pointing at a prickly pear.

"That is a cactus fruit." Sebastian rolled his eyes and Jeff batted him on the head.

"Hey Sebs, I want coffee!" he motioned to the part of the store that had the coffee and hopped into the part of the plastic shopping cart that was usually reserved children. Ciel dawdled behind them until jeff yelled for him to grab something which he didn't know. What was a twizzler, anyways?

"Did ya' get my twizzlers?" he asked Ciel who just looked confused.

"I don't know what that is?"

"What were you, raised in the nineteenth century!" Jeff asked.

"Yes, I was!" Ciel shouted. Sebastian just sighed.

"Is this good?"

"No." Jeff said and pointed to the massive bag of what Sebastian could tell was the most expensive coffee hell could produce and considering everyone in hell was basically rich- that was pretty fucking expensive coffee.

"Jeff…" Sebastian growled.

"Sebastian… mew." Jeff purred and rolled around in the seat. He looked up at Sebastian his giant round brown eyes and purred loudly. He started to knead Sebastian's forearm and the demon broke down and put the coffee in the shopping cart. Why oh why did Jeff have to bred for extra cute and softness?

"I'm thinking blue fin tuna tonight."

"You have to be kidding me."

"Do I look like I'm joking with a tummy this soft and squishable. Poke my tummy. It's soooft." Sebastian poked Jeff's tummy, and he was right. It was so damn soft and squishable. Damn satan, damn her to some kind of ultra hell.

"Sebastian." Ciel asked.

"Yes?"

"What is that?" he pointed to the plastic card in Sebastian's wallet.

"This is my credit card." Sebastian slid his card through the censor and Ciel just stared at it, mystified by the amazing technology in the strangest of places.

Jeff was easily amused with how Ciel glared into shop windows and jumped back at the sight of automatic doors. Sebastian was mildly annoyed by it but took the chance to actually enjoy the purring cat on his shoulder without having to hear him complain and demand more things. Ciel gasped and slammed his hands over his ears when a group of motor cyclists drove by, which made Jeff pointed at him with his paw and let out a mewly guffaw in Ciel's direction.

Sebastian's house was surprisingly undemonic in appearance. It was a small white house next to a condominium on a street that didn't appear to have any speck of crime or dirt. His lawn was in pristine condition with a pink flamingo staked into the grass and had a white picket fence surrounding the perimeter of his property. The lights in the house were already on and Jeff seemed vaguely pleased with the plain, but comfortable surroundings.

"I really thought hell would be more… hellish." Ciel commented. He was somewhat glad that Sebastian didn't live in some volcano covered with the blood of virgins, but at the same time the stark white plain nothingness creeped him out something awful.

"There used to be a brothel next door but it looks like they tore it down and replaced it with condos. Yuppie scum."

Sebastian didn't bother locking his front door, as someone would have to be border-line retarded to actually go into the den of a demon much less steal from it. Not like there was much of anything to steal. The walls were bare; no portraits painted in oil and the furniture was made from some kind of shiny black plastic that didn't exactly look comfortable. It was a practice in modern minimalism, with a simple contrasting color scheme and very little of anything else. Ciel notice a flat solid black sheet against a wall and tried to touch it but Sebastian grabbed his hand.

"Don't smudge my television screen."

"That is a television? It's just a piece of black paper."

"No, it is a television."

"That is a lie."

"No, it really is a television. I promise you. I get ten thousand channels and internet access on it."

"There are only two channels and there is no such channel as 'internet'." Ciel was not going to fooled into believing some kind of stupid initiation prank. Jeff was choosing silence but he was having a hard time not mocking the hell out of that poor, nineteenth century kid. Jeff jumped on the black couch and turned on the remote controller. He felt like food network. Ciel's eyes widened at the paper thin high definition television that took up most of the wall. It was mystifying, it was magical an he couldn't freakin' believe it something so thin could hold an image like that. He jumped back ant pointing at it accusingly.

"What the bloody hell is that?"

"Paula Deen. I know it's terrifying my lord, but I'm afraid you are having future shock." Sebastian explained but Ciel was still horribly confused at this, so he ran up stairs to get away from that demonic screen.

"That kid is crazy." Jeff said, clawing open a plastic bag of candy and sticking his face in the opening.

"He's outright deranged." Sebastian agreed and went to follow his troublesome fledgling.

The upstairs wasn't any less sterile looking and there were only two rooms and a loft, and Ciel made the mistake of going into the wrong room. It wasn't exactly the wrong room per say, but it certainly didn't have anything Ciel wanted to see or could erase from his mind in it. He slammed the door shut and promised to himself that he would never, ever again step foot inside out if it or open the door again. The other room was what looked more like a proper bedroom. It was largely unfurnished, following the same black vinyl and white wall theme of the rest of the house. The bathroom just had a standard sized shower and a huge holly wood style vanity and shelf of more kind of hair products and appliances than Ciel knew could existence. Then again, after seeing the contents of that other place, he couldn't be shocked further.

"Had enough mental scarring?" Sebastian asked.

"For the rest of my now very long life."

Jeff was now in the kitchen and he was trying to work Sebastian's espresso machine. He mastered the art of making coffee, without a single hair getting in it. His paws were able to press all buttons, push down the lever and knock a cup under the stream of coffee and steamed milk. Lucifer didn't dick around when it came to pet training; Jeff was a pretty clever little foldy. Jeff then lapped out of porcelain cup like the content cat he was, purring happily at his much-needed caffeine intake. Ciel tried to pet him but Jeff growled and glared at him.

"Do you mind?" he asked and Ciel sighed. _Cats. _

Ciel sat down on the ouch next to Sebastian, and it was still on food network. Some woman with gray hair, swarthy skin and a face that seemed to be injected with as much butter that as in her casseroles was on the television. Ciel found her scary and Sebastian took notes and snickered to himself as Ciel gasped with a look of horror on his face at every single commercial. It just never stopped being amusing to him.

"What do you do in hell?" Ciel had the nerve to ask.

"This." That summed up hell. Ritzy, high-tech, plush, rich, clean, preppy, beautiful, and boring as well, hell itself.

_Jeff got an excellent reception last chapter, awesome! Because guess what? He's here to stay. Forever and ever. and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. _

_I'm not good at drawing cats but heres a cat that pretty much looks like an IRL Jeff :_

___ht(please) tp:/ (remove the contents) /tinypic. (of these parentheticals) com/r/ (because the link filter is a cock sucker) abjqlk/7_

As per tradition, remove everything in the parentheticals.

_Concrit, comments, flames, rants, raves, questions, requests, etc. are all accepted. Honest feedback makes better writers and a more quality fandom. I do infact, reply to every review in which I can muster up a reply to which is considered a bit unusual but I'm not a dick and I don't mind answering things. _


	4. a demon only a mother could love

I've decide to answer reviews here, because otherwise I don't think anyone would read them. I only reply to ones in which I can articulate a reply to. I read all of them, and I will try my best to answer most of them so keep them coming, and I will continue to answer them.

**XXRJXX**- Erm, sexual confusion? Well, Ciel's sexuality has always, always been mentioned as heterosexual by Yana Toboso, so I don't want to fuck with that too much. This chapter and chapter eight will infact, show way more about how Ciel deals with well, sexual content. With men. I firmly believe that sexual orientation is rooted in a person's genetics and is not in any way a choice and that is how I will write this.

**Doctor Faustus**- Jeff is an original character that I have made. Lucile/Lucy/Lucifer is an adaptation of a mythical creature I've come with. So original characters o have a place here, it's not a huge place, but they are in it.

**Kura Datenshi-** Actually, hell's technology will be further explained in this story. There are few things about it that I have not entirely covered yet. c:

The sun never set in hell, and that wasn't because a single day lasted about 34 hours- that was because the angle and number of stars in the sky made it impossible to ever get a true night. The sky maybe dimmed a bit but one could go to hell at any hour of any day and the visibility would always be nice, sun shining, and the weather warm and balmy. Ciel couldn't get used to it, as he came from England and made damn sure the trees kept his property shady and bleak even in July. The sunlight hurt his eyes and he thought he looked stupid in sun glasses so he hadn't left the house in a few weeks. That was alright with him, though, he had television and so far he had a plan for entertainment.

He would watch two hours of each and every channel and so far he was barely hitting the thousands. He did skip over the pornographic channels, well some of them, anyways. There were occasions where Sebastian would go to his friends and Jeff was in hot tub in the backyard and Ciel was alone in the house and terribly bored. He understood why Sebastian had picked vinyl- it was so easy to clean Ciel could clean it and nobody would notice. It was a revolutionary idea.

"You do know that my satellite bill has a specific log of all hours and channels watched on my television." Sebastian informed Ciel one day when he suspiciously switched the channel over to the food network for no reason other that someone else walked into the room.

"No, I didn't." Ciel said. Sebastian sat down next to him and used Ciel's lap as a pillow, which made Ciel feel very, very uncomfortable.

"My little master is a pervert."

"Get off my lap. You are more of a pervert than I ever could be, if I were."

"What would you say to a blow job, my lord?"

"I say this." Ciel stood up and kicked Sebastian in the face before running out of the room. Never had there been before or afterwards a better way to act out the phrase "no homo".

The outside was slightly dimmer than normal, so Ciel figured it was probably some time in the middle of the night. The sidewalk was silent and nobody seemed to be driving by on their giant metal machines so he enjoyed the relative silence. There was no birds tweeting or any sound, just the general rush of wind and buzzing of the power lines above the road. It was strange at first but he got used to this new, inorganic background noise. It dulled his senses and he didn't notice anything but the sensation of moving forward. Walking around like he was lost (and he was hopelessly lost) was a kind of soothing meditation for his nerves. Ciel had to at least admit that hell was a pretty place, even if the society itself lacked any sort of identifiable imperfections to make it interesting.

"Ciel?" someone called out an brought Ciel back to reality. He didn't recognize them at first, but then he noticed that same shade of grey hair that wasn't exactly quite navy blue nor black.

"Vincent?" he asked, completely startled before the man rushed forward to give him a hug. He man started crying on his shoulder before Ciel wriggled himself out of the hold.

"How did you get into hell, son?" Vincent had to ask, leading Ciel over to his house by his hand like he used to when Ciel was an even smaller child.

"It's a terribly long story." Ciel admitted. He didn't really want to tell his father that his only child ended up being a demon. He couldn't imagine he'd be proud.

The Phantomhive's new house turned out to the condo directly to Sebastian's house. It was furnished quite similar to how the old manor used to look. Everything was brightly colored for noble family and the entire house was nice and smelled like cookies. Rachel was sitting on the couch and like Vincent, started to cry at the sight of him- did they really take it that hard? Ciel couldn't help himself but he reverted back into a human child, crying on his mommy's chest and impossible to console. This is what he had needed for years and years and he spent so much time lamenting on the loss that just seeing them brought back that constant need for his parents love.

"You can't imagine how happy we are that you're here." Rachel told him, handing Ciel a silk handkerchief and wrapped her arms around him.

"Ciel you should tell us that story."

"I really don't want to, father."

"We have eternity." Vincent reminded him and Ciel was right. He hadn't told anyone this before, an only Sebastian knew the half of it but if his parents were here and they still loved him the least he could was explain to them what had happened.

"After the fire I was kidnapped and," Ciel couldn't think of what to say next. "They did rather unpleasant things to me and sacrificed me to a demon who took on pity on me and in exchange for my soul, would serve me as a butler to avenge your murder and the death of my pride. So for many years I took over as the Watchdog's duty and Funtom company and the company has been made very successful, which I hope that makes you some what proud of me even though I've done some horrible things. Well, to explain why I'm in hell and not dead is because that demon got tricked by another demon who, I'm guessing must've hate him very much. As her final wish the human she was contracted to and her turned me into a demon so that my butler would have to serve me for all eternity."

He was trembling and he made it quick and stumbled over his word but it was out, he was finally out and he had said thing, no matter how brief, he had never said to any one else in his entire life and he wasn't sure if they'd hate him or if they would feel bad but it happened. Neither of them said a single word but he tell that he had made his mother cry and he felt shame for this. He was not sure what had made his mother feel bad, the act that he partially admitted to being raped, the fact that he'd soul his soul to the devil or the act that he'd killed people or that he became a demon himself. Ciel wasn't sure which of these he should really be the most ashamed of and he was thinking that maybe he should've embellished more on the whole 'made Funtom successful' portion of his nut-shell confession.

"Did you ever get married to Elizabeth?" Vincent asked, curious as to whether or not the Phantomhive line ended with his son.

"I ate her." Ciel answered and they both raised an eyebrow.

"That's alright, we accept you for well, who you are. Or what you are. You're still our baby, though I'm not quite sure if I ever remember having sex with a demon…" Rachel said.

"Vincent, have you ever had sex with a demon?" she asked and Vincent shook his head.

"Not when I lived on earth." he said.

"Well I have no idea how that could've happened." Rachel said.

"No, I _was _human. Then another demon gave up her life to make me one." Ciel explained.

"Oh. I am glad that my efforts to make a child were not in vain." Vincent and Rachel let out a collective sigh of relief that left Ciel quite confused.

"So you are not mad at me?" he asked.

"Goodness no, sweetie!" Rachel told him. "We're so proud of you."

"You wouldn't be if I hadn't taken out the details."

"Trust me, I know what the job entails. You probably had to kill a few men or go into some kind of bombing and I am personally happy that you made to hell in one piece." Vincent said.

"But why did you eat Elizabeth, we thought you loved her and you two got along so well we were sure that you would grow up to make a beautiful couple?" Rachel asked him and Ciel shrugged.

"I did love her and I still do. I was just newly formed as a demon, starving and she was close by, delicious and willing to be eaten. So I ate her. In my defense, she was worth the regret." he explained.

Vincent and Rachel Phantomhive were about as proud as parents could possibly be. This was a true feat of parental love and support for most English aristocrats of their time wouldn't accept that their son was an atheist or that he turned out being a demon who ate his only lover. The only thing that they cared about was the fact that he made it out alright, that he lived on for at least a few years without being maimed or turning into that bad of a person. Vincent was aware that pushing his job on such a young boy probably stunted his emotional growth by a mile stone but he wasn't worried about Ciel and assumed that he must've made an excellent guard dog. Rachel was just happy to know that he was alive and well.

This made Ciel feel overwhelmed and confused, but this kind of confusion was at the very least better than the confusion he got from Sebastian offering him a blow job. The boy wasn't sure whether not he should stay at home or with Sebastian and Jeff but all he knew was the his parents were close to him again and Ciel took his five year break from them to be enough for a life time. The loneliness that had built up in him for years just seemed to slide away and walked into Sebastian's house with a smile on his face and hug that made Jeff squeak. Hell was just heaven for demons.


	5. king of all the pricks

**Sammiespazzmuffin**- Variety is the spice of life, they say! I try to avoid being repetitive with my writing.

**Elhiem-** Well I suppose if you don't mind a thousand dollar central air bill every month- hell is the place for you! No, Ciel really was the one watching the XXX channels. His favorite was probably "Wayward Trollops Lift Their Petticoats to Attend the Summer Gala".

Jeff was a capable cat. Being a creation of alchemy and pure evil by Satan herself, Jeff was able to do many things your standard earth cat could not. Simply, he was a pioneer of pure technological and trollogical advances in demon culture. Or at least some would say that if they were not living with him of course. Jeff could talk like anybody else, he knew math and how to do taxes, he was popular at parties, he knew how to cook to some extent, even. A cat that could talk and manage most of it's own affairs was nothing more than an adorable nuisance to everyday life. Sebastian had always longer to have a pet cat he could cuddle with and snuggle with and watch tv and huggle with. Sebastian took it back.

Ciel had discovered that cats weren't so bad once you got rid of the allergy part of it. Jeff was soft and squishy and for once Ciel understood at least a portion of what his crazy servant had to say. Ciel had discovered that while Jeff thought Sebastian was a douche bag, Ciel was a pretty alright kid. He might not have been able to make a decent cup of coffee, but Ciel wasn't Sebastian so Jeff like him. Jeff thought Ciel's lap was a considerable amount warmer than Sebastian's, as well as Ciel didn't wear that tacky uncomfortable latex shit so Jeff could be at home kneading Ciel's thigh all day if he felt like it. Ciel also didn't mind it when Jeff threw up in Sebastian's boots.

Jeff was the happiest cat in all of hell and probably earth to, for he wasn't sure if cats got the freedom he did on earth. There was only one litter of kittens in his family of cats able to survive the heat of hell, and Jeff had to say- he was the best of 'em all. Sure, he was last to be adopted but that was partially his fault for preferring the company of demons that weren't total sheep. Sebastian was a total sheep, but Jeff found that Ciel was an excellent conversation and an expert chess player. His new home was a friendly one, though Jeff had to admit he hate the furniture. It was claw proof and had a distinct lack of soft snuggliness that all cats craved. So he usually slept in Ciel's clothes. It was softer and warmer in there.

Even if he did play poker till the crack of dawn, and even if he did drink liquor, go to parties and make Sebastian's life a lightly more vicious hell- a cat was a cat after all. Jeff still did all the things cats liked to do, like sleeping on laps and being held. Getting brushed and maybe, if it was a particularly cold day in hell he liked to wear argyle knitted sweaters too. Though he could talk like anyone else and create things and hold a conversation, he was still kitty. He got scared by loud noises and children chasing him. Sometimes he'd miss his litter mates like any other cat and then other time he wanted to send them hate mail and photos of him having fun without them. One day Jeff would have to settle down and spread his foldyness genes to the world but until then he was happy in the warm velvet of Ciel's wardrobe. Cats aren't that different.

"Jeff?" Ciel opened up the door to his now greatly down sized closet and found Jeff sleeping on his favorite pair of breeches.

"Close the door." Jeff said, waving his paw at Ciel who picked him up off the clothing and held him in his arms. Jeff could've scratched him but instead he went back to sleep and let Ciel get the grand permission of rubbing his tummy. Jeff purred an grabbed Ciel's forearm with his paw and chewed on his fingers. Ciel move his arm away but Jeff looked up at him like he was rather upset.

"Why'd you stop?"

"You bit me."

"Those were love bites." _Itty bitty kitty love bites._

"Well stop that."

"I can't. I'm a cat. Cats do things like things like that."

"Well, you're a smart cat, aren't you? Teach yourself not to."

"A cat is a cat. It doesn't mean a damn thing if I can talk or not, or if my friend are demons or not, or if I can manage on my own or not. I am a cat and that is that." Jeff said, and then he pushed Ciel with his paw and waved him away. It was nap time, anyways.

"I'm bored." Ciel said, staring at the television, which Sebastian usually watched programs about history and science which bored the living hell of Ciel.

"Science is good for young minds, my lord."

"Yes but this is bout the science of having an orgasm. Who cares?" Ciel complained, feeling utterly compelled to bitch and groan about being somewhat forced to watch a program called "The Science of Sex Episode Two Hundred and Twenty-Four: The Chemical Excretions during The Point of Orgasm."

"It is a topic in which television has already educated my lord." Sebastian asked him. Ciel crossed his arms and waited or the inevitable self-congratulating smirk Sebastian did. There it was.

"Wipe that smirk of your face. Just because I have decided you can be lax here because hell does not have a system of nobility does not mean that you may slander my good name."

"Sayeth the boy who killed dozens because an elderly woman told him to."

"She was the Queen!"

"As a demon, I do not understand the human hierarchy that well, and neither should you. It makes you look like a human, which down here, is something shameful." Sebastian told him, leaving Ciel feeling flustered and angry, but also quiet.

He didn't exactly identify as human nor demon. After that month, he could never exactly identify as human because humans were horrible monsters, and he was broken into pieces, that once sewn back together were so mutilated and disfigured looking you'd never know it used to be human. Yet Ciel couldn't say he particularly felt like a demon yet, either. His fangs were just starting to row in, his horns were said to not happen for another hundred or so years and eating humans gave him aches in both his stomach and his heart. He had also been informed that as a previously human, he would never be able to have the full power of a demon and was really more like an immortal human being with some minor dietary restrictions.

Lucifer had recommended that he never leave hell again for this reason but the longer he was in hell, the more Ciel missed earth. He missed the earth that he'd walk down a deserted path in the forest hand-in-hand with Lizzie or the earth where it would rain and snow and was generally unpleasant to be in but at least he wasn't bored on earth. He would give anything to be on earth, again, to do anything on earth again. He'd even call Alois Trancy his best friend if he could perhaps make it like it used to be. He'd call Maylene competent and Aunt Frances an kind hearted woman.

Oh sure, Ciel still liked the whole demon thing, of course. That was only because he had one up on Sebastian for all eternity. So what if he caught Ciel doing it? He still owned him forever. So what if Ciel still liked to nibble at cakes and cry about his dead fiance? He. Owned. Sebastian's. Ass. Forever. There was nothing more Sebastian could say to him. There was no insult Sebastian could give to Ciel that hurt more than Ciel simply saying "you are forever my servant." Nothing could hurt more than that in the existence of everything ever and Ciel was so proud of himself or this that he simply couldn't hate being a demon for this reason alone. He could hate it, and he did but the fact that he had forever crushed Sebastian's immortal soul was enough to get him through what ever ailed him.

Jeff found himself on Ciel's lap, yawning and resting his head on Ciel's thigh. Sebastian reached over to pet him, as a cat was still a cat an he was happy to have one in the house but Jeff pushed his had away with his paw. This effectively cockblocked Sebastian from feeling the specially-bred ultra plush and soft fur Jeff had. Ciel felt free to cuddle the cat while Jeff purred and glared misery and death upon Sebastian.

"I'm playin' cards with Beelz and Lucy tonight, you want in?" Jeff asked, sighing. "You too Sebby." Jeff felt strangely obligated to invite him too.

"I haven't seen him around in awhile, what kind of atrocities has he caused lately?"

"Being a prick in general, that sort of stuff. You two have so much in common." Jeff said, eliciting a chuckle out of Ciel who found Jeff's abrasive personality to be hilarious. He only found this because he was never at the end of the chopping block, if he were then he probably wouldn't laugh so much.

"I'm fine with that." Ciel told Jeff. It's not he had anything better to do, so why not meet another rather infamous demon of sorts. It was a social hierarchy, right?

"Yo Lucile!" Jeff called out and as soon as he did, Lucy was sitting next to Sebastian on the couch.

"Hi boyss~." she drawled out, batting her red eyelashes at Ciel, who blushed a bit. It wasn't his fault the only female he had been around since he ate Lizzie was his own mother.

It was funny that Lucy had the ability to warp space, every time she did this it took at least five seconds for Ciel to remember just what was different. This time, it was incredibly different. Jeff would agree with Ciel if Ciel were to say that, Lucy had much more superior taste to Sebastian on the home decorating front. The inside felt more like what Ciel was used to, and far less sterile looking. The room smelled like thick smoke, the wall paper was peeling and the furniture was red lacquered wood. Jeff sat on Sebastian's shoulder while Sebastian acted like a proxy for him. Lucy dealt him a hand of cards and Ciel didn't know what kind of cards they even were.

The one that was probably Beelzebub was, well, the most demonic looking out of the bunch. Lucy looked nearly human like Ciel did, and Sebastian was himself. Beelzebub was severely tall, with droves of long black hair that covered the back of the chairs, parts of the table, an went all over the floor. His skin was translucent and his eyes were one complete sclera of black. He made noises that sounded half like clicking noises and half like german.

"Beelz is telling' you to take your turn." Lucy told him.

"What game are we playing?" Ciel asked. Beelzebub made more noises.

"Go fish, you fucking human scumbag." Lucy said, Ciel looked at her.

"What?"

"His words, not mine. Either way if you don't know this game then you are hopeless." Lucy explained.

"Then why doesn't he just tell me?" Ciel asked feeling quite offended.

"He did tell you. It's not his fault you don't understand enochian." Lucy said.

"Well Beelz can shut up and speak English, then. He speaks it just fine." Jeff said.

"Yes, well." Beelzebub said, "That would ruin the fact that I don't approve of that little fucker."

"Don't be like that, I have faith he'll make a good demon one day. At least a better one than Mephistocles, or what do we call him now, oh yeah, _Sebastian._" Lucy explained. Sebastian growled at her.

"Mephistocles? I wouldn't have guessed you were one of the more well known demons." Ciel said, Sebastian shook his head.

"We demons like to write all your demonology books. That way our secrets stay secret and humans are content in thinking they know that truth. Everyone wins." Sebastian told Ciel.

"Do you have an eight?" Beelzebub asked Ciel, who shook his head. Beelz sighed an took another card off the top of the pile and it was not what he looking for, another sigh.


	6. no homo

**Elheim-** Latex clothing is sometimes referred to as rubber clothing. It's clothing thats made from latex sheeting (which is the same kind of material use to make latex gloves, but much thicker and better quality made to last) or sometimes latex clothing is made from molds or latex body paints that is then peeled off to be a garment on clothing. Latex sheeting can't be sewn so clothing that is not molded or painted on has to be bonded together with glue made from latex milk. Latex clothing is, and I emphasize this, _extremely expensive._ It is also a favorite of fetishists because it's easy to clean off an because many rubber fetishists find the skin tight quality of latex clothing to be rather, erotic.

However, latex is commonly worn by people who like it just for fashion, and not everyone who wears latex clothing has to be into kink. It's rubbery (obviously) in texture and punctures easily so Sebastian's latex pants wouldn't make it fun for Jeff to sit on his lap because kitties like warm fuzzy things to sleep on. Since Yana Toboso described Sebastian's demon clothing to be like a fetish, latex fits the bill when it comes to fetishy clothing. Also because latex, while hellishly expensive would probably be a cool way to furnish your home if you planned on keeping it completely spotless. I hope my lengthy explanation of latex and latex clothing has helped.

**XMaddie**- Cockblocking is one of my favorite plot devices in fiction.

"Vincent and Rachel are coming over for dinner tonight, and I expect that it be no less grand than if we were still at the Phantomhive manor." Ciel informed Sebastian. It was, from what Ciel could guess maybe about five minutes from when the humans in hell would normally be eating dinner when he sprung the occasion on Sebastian.

"Vincent and Rachel… Phantomhive?" Sebastian asked.

"Who are Rachel and Vincent?" Jeff asked, he was lapping up another latte in the kitchen.

"My parents." Ciel said.

"The dead ones?" Jeff asked.

"Yes. Turns out they went to hell." Ciel said. Most people wouldn't be happy if their parents went to hell, Ciel however, was absolutely thrilled. Not being an orphan was a pretty sweet deal.

Just like clockwork, very well timed clockwork a man opened the door to Sebastian's house. He looked remarkably like Ciel, though his hair was darker and he let off an air of kindness Ciel couldn't ever imagine having. Next to him was a slightly shorter blonde woman who also seemed strangely kind when compared to her child. They both wore modern clothing, but in a cut that was eerily similar to that of the time they lived in. They both greeted Ciel with a hug which he returned without thinking.

"Hello." Sebastian waved into the living room. "I'm Sebastian Michaelis and I nailed your son last night." he let out a laugh while Vincent and Rachel looked at him, and then looked down at Ciel.

"I'll go make dinner now." Sebastian told them as he cheerfully strutted into the kitchen, leaving a fuming Ciel, laughing Jeff and a very confused set of parents in the living room.

"So…" Jeff said, crawling into Rachel lap and enjoying the many gathers of soft cotton that made up her skirt as he slept on it.

"Your cat talks?" Vincent asked, Ciel nodded.

"And he isn't bothering your allergies?" Rachel asked and Jeff purred.

"I'm bred to be hypoallergenic. No dander." Jeff said and let out an ultra-proud kitty mewl.

"Ciel your cat is such a sweetie." Rachel told him and Jeff just rolled around in her lap and licked her finger tips.

"Actually, my name is Jeff and I'm a caffeine addicted badass of a cat." Jeff corrected her and then crawled over to Vincent's lap, which wasn't as comfortable as Rachel's lap, but still more comfortable than Ciel's bony legs.

"It is lovely to meet you." Vincent shook Jeff's paw while Jeff licked his finger tips.

Sebastian decided to interrupt the never-ending awkward silence that took place after his horrible (but quite frankly, well deserved) shenanigan. Vincent and Rachel didn't dare say anything in front of Ciel for fear they might upset him or make him feel like less a demon for loving another man. Ciel didn't say anything because he didn't want his parents thinking he was a fag. Jeff just simply sat in Vincent's lap and watched television while having the back of his ears scratched. He kind of thought the joke was pretty damn funny. Vincent and Rachel were both thrown back at Sebastian's ability to prepare a three course meal in under an hour. Ciel however, was content with a shot of blood and raw human arm.

"Ciel, please don't think we hate you because of this." Rachel said, trying to ease her son who was nibbling casually at his arm, trying his best to avoid any conversation.

"I mean, I love your father and he's gay too."

Ciel stopped. Everything in his mind just froze and held onto the moment in his hands. His father half of his gene pool- was gay. Gay. Ciel didn't care that his father was, no he accepted that. What bothered Ciel was that he would be gay too and in Ciel's mind- having sex a with man was the worst thing he had ever been forced to do. He couldn't think about anything but having to have sex with men and that made Ciel drop his arm and stop panicking. There was just no way Ciel could ever be gay. His fragile masculinity and state of mind would not allow such a thing to happen.

"Ciel? Are you okay?"

"If it makes you feel better, I was confused when I was your age, too. Sure the whole demon thing must have really scared you but I promise you there is absolutely nothing wrong with experimenting with your german room mate at boarding school." Vincent assured him. As a child, his parents had sent him to boarding school in order to help him socialize and mature; however Vincent himself never sent Ciel to boarding school as he feared it would be too much of a stress on his son's health. A part of him was starting to think that maybe boarding school might've been a better choice for Ciel.

"Just to clear the air, I have never even touched him. That was a joke." Sebastian explained, as he would not want to confused with a waste of flesh like Claude Faustus.

"I know. But I've seen the way he looks at you."

"With hate, I'm presuming, Mr. Phantomhive?"

"When I was his age I couldn't understand the difference between those things."

Sebastian saw the way Ciel looked at him ever since they had first met. At first, he was horribly terrified as would any human child be if they were to summon him. The of course began a long period of inexplicably callous treatment, far worse than any cold shoulder he ever given Elizabeth, and the finally Ciel had shown his true intentions. As human he was outright cruel and a sociopath, for Ciel was worse than the devil itself. For only someone so cold could a lifetime of imprisonment be given as a punishment for merely trying to help another.

"I think he understands perfectly." Sebastian said, and Ciel remained quiet, as he agreed completely.

"Ciel, finish your arm. You look nearly dead." Rachel chided her boy, and like all good little Victorian boys, Ciel continue to nibble and munch on his dinner underneath the watchful eye of his mother. Rachel gazed at both Sebastian and Vincent for quite a length of time before coming to a strange conclusion.

"You two do look an awful lot alike." Rachel commented.

Sebastian and Vincent looked at each other as if they were in a madhouse mirror. Sebastian being about a foot taller than your average human, bone-thin and a shade of lily white decked out in clothes that only the shameful would dare pull off. Vincent was a rather healthy color and stature, and while he dressed much more modern than Rachel did, his still wore rather ornate clothing in far more flattering cuts. Even still, they looked similar in a way that could be described that if Vincent Phantomhive had a twin and if that twin were to become a rather slutty-dressed demon- then, that would be Sebastian. Except Sebastian far older than human civilization itself, but he id only slightly younger than Vincent, as time itself could not force Sebastian to part from his almost sophomoric way of displaying himself.

"Your parents are weird." Jeff told Ciel who didn't understand.

"Why would you say that?"

"Most parents from your time and place never encouraged their children to romp around with their demon servants and I am certain cannibalism is still quite, taboo wherever you're from. England circa 1890, right?" Jeff said, as if he was almost fascinated.

"What you mean my time period?"

"Oh." Jeff said. "Well, time is a line, like a string. It's more like a massive string looped together and tangled together into a dense ball of time and space. Your thoughts processes are so human." he groaned.

Ciel just glared at him, he thought he came from a perfectly decent time period. Of course n Jeff's mind the first thing he thought of when he heard Victorian was child prostitution, the gross exploitation of transsexuals and physical deformities, the lack of care for house pets, namely cats, the disgusting use of coal that turned the skies nearly black at all times. To be honest, in all his knowledge, Jeff most certainly was disgusted with the time period. So he was quite surprised that Ciel himself was so different from his expectations, an even more surprised that his family too, was quite different. It was a pleasant surprise, though. Jeff was becoming more and more happy here, even if he really did hate Sebastian.

**As always: reviews, comments, fanart, questions, rants, raves, flames, critiques are all welcome and wanted. -Fetus**


	7. a different kind of love

**_Greeting everyone! I bring you all the following epic challenge: get this fanfic to 50 reviews. That's all._**

**But why should _I_ do it, Fetus? Why should _I _bother commenting?** Because, I'll tell you why: I will write and illustrate the lucky 50th reviewer's request, and if they want the hard copy of the art, I'll be happy to mail it to them. There is absolutely _no_ limits on what you can request if you win. Hell, I'll even write you a damn novel if you want me to.

_**SoraGeek-** Are you on bb . net forums? I recognize the username from somewhere…. Please tell! I will wonder endlessly if you are the same Sora or not._

_**Elheim-** Well, having a gay father doesn't automatically make you gay, but poor Ciel is deeply homophobic so finding this out only raises his poor child-like fears of becoming a fag._

-this is an intermission. Your normal super hell! experience will continue next chapter-

**The Revenge**

Alois and Claude were adjusting, strangely well, to being in hell. Alois didn't ask stupid questions nor was he ever put off of Claude's… large hairy spider legs. That was Alois's thing anyways. However, that is going too far ahead of the explanation as to how they managed to even get there.

After demons are killed, their cinematic records and souls are kept in a special hall of the reaper's association as well as the contents of their digestive system examined for leftover souls to be exterminated or regrouped with in the confines of humanity. Processing a demon's cinematic record could take hundreds or thousands of years, and only very, very rarely are demons allowed to go to back to hell as dead souls. Most stay in examination rooms for all eternity. As this was a messy job the association only trusted the most diligent, well-manned and fair reapers to do this job. Namely- William T. Spears.

Now, it's no new fact that William hated Sebastian. Yet, his hatred rekindled when he heard about the rather obscene fight that destroyed the leviathan (a weapon, William himself once held and was always marveled at the swords delicate and ornate carvings.) and a good part of the isle between the living and the dead. Sebastian was always pulling shitty stunts and ruining other's things, but then William read the list of those killed. Two demons, one of which was classified as a suicide and two human souls. He could work with this, oh yes he could. First on the list was Claude Faustus, who took on the identity of a spider or most of the time as a pixie as a way to lure in children. He had eaten a teenage boy named Jim Machen just before dying and because the soul remained without a slight amount of decay.

William thought they were both deserving of another day. Not because neither of them deserved it, no, by all means they deserved to die the painful ways they did. Yet, that wouldn't make a good revenge, would it? It wouldn't. Next on the list was Hannah Anafellows, who William personally thought was about as honorable as filthy whores came. Beside her was a tiny little boy even William felt a wee bit sorry for, as he must've been an awfully cute kid, for it would take the implosion of the universe itself to make most demons cry.

Papers were signed, exchanges exchanged and of course, Hannah and Claude were remarkably suspicious of his actions, for they had never even met the man before. Neither of them could ever hope to understand his intentions or his perceived kindness. They did not now that he viewed them as nothing but pawns used to make his only enemy suffer, they just thanked him and left. To the two demons William was nothing more than a kindly reaper who gave off the appearance that he may have needed to get laid more often. Nothing vicious, hate-filled or even angry stood out to them about him, but after letting them free William far happier than he had been in a long time.

**Claude and Alois's Past Time**

"TAKE IT YOU FUCKING WHORE!" Slam, slam, slam. A picture that Hannah painted fell off the wall and hit the ground, the glass on the frame smashed and she sighed.

"What are Jimmy and Claude doin'?" Luka leaned over Hannah as she picked up the shard of glass and threw them in a plastic bag to recycle later.

_"DO YOU FUCKING LOVE ME NOW? HUH? DO YOU? TELL ME YOU FUCKING LOVE ME YOU DEMONIC SLUT!_"

"Playing video games." Hannah answered him.

_"STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING WHINER NOBODY LIKES A WHINY CUNT!"_

"Coool. I wanna' play vidya' games with Jimmy and Claaaude."

"They don't want to play with you. They get very much into their video games. "

"Yes they do! Yes they do! I wanna' play vidya' games with Jimmy and Claaaude!" Luka protesting, pulling on her skirt hem and dragging her to bedroom door. By the sounds of the screaming, it was probably Alois doing the beating. He was still pretty enraged after all that head-smashing business.

"I think it's best that we go buy some new video games at the store before bothering those two. How about we go out and get some ice cream while we're at it?" Hannah asked Luka, anything to distract his poor fragile mind.

"Okaaay." Luka agreed.

**A Different Kind of Love**

In the Phantomhive manor pre-fire, it was a very different place. Granted the building had been repaired down to the very last brick but before then the aura was completely different. Upon the death of his parents, Vincent had taken down the traditional dark dreariness and stuffy wall papers so that it may be replace with colors he found more suitable for the modern Victorian family. The deep purples and greens were replaced with lavenders and mints, the roses replaced with lilacs. The green house was built and windows were installed. What had once been more like traditional castle interior now felt like a grand and merry place to be. People flocked to the newly redecorated Phantomhive manor where they had been previous put off by it's overwhelming exterior. Yet, the man of the house had not changed at all.

Even though it was spring and even thought it was beautiful, Vincent just could not help himself from crying in the garden. He felt alone with his parents gone, unmarried, and his only sister wedded off to a weird man whom Vincent didn't think suited her personality. He was utterly alone in his own mind, even if he was expecting Annie and Rachel to come visit him today. Rachel was his best friend, the only one he could trust with his very life and there was no sad days with Annie around and her bright personality but even then, they could never understand him, and so he continued to feel very much alone.

"Vincent? Tanaka-san said you might be creeping around back here… are you crying?" Rachel asked, sitting down next to him with a concerned look on his face.

"Where is Annie?" he asked, purposefully avoiding her question, as he couldn't bring himself to answer it. He couldn't even bring himself to think about it.

"She is at the medical school studying for her placement exams so don't you avoid my question!"

"Rachel I can't say it…" Vincent whined.

"You are my best friend I promise, no matter what it is, that I will never question it."

"I can't."

"Please, you are making me worry. I will never tell another soul on this earth. I will take this to the grave if you wish it." Rachel reassured him, handing him a silk handkerchief she always kept in her satchel.

"I love another man. I love him. I love him in the way that I'm supposed to love the woman I have to pick to marry. I love him the way Annie loves me and I don't know what to do with myself because of it."

"Oh Vincent is that really all you feel?" Rachel asked, Vincent crawled into he lap and cried on her chest like a child that sorely missed their mother.

"My family name will be shamed, I might even lose my job or the company because of this! So how can you tell me that this really doesn't mean anything at all?"

"If it means anything to you at all, then I would do anything in my power to keep the world from knowing this of you. If I should have to pretend to take your hand so you can love him, then I would do it for you." Rachel confessed to him. Even if it would break her sister's heart, even if it broke her own; she would do everything her power to make sure her best and only friend could finally be happy. That in turn would make her even happier than if he loved her and not another.

"You would do all of this for me? Why me?"

"Because I love you. You are like my family, and if I now have the bravery to say it myself, I have never felt a single bit of romantic attraction to another human in my life. It would be no great sacrifice to me." Rachel told him and they both laughed. They would be the strangest fake couple to ever make it to the alter, that was for sure.

"So is a woman proposing to a man now?" Vincent asked, his tears starting to dry.

"I guess she is!" Rachel said, standing up and pulling Vincent to his feet so that the both of them could go and harass Mr. Tanaka for some of his Japanese iced tea.

These are all super-short bits of back information and I probably won't be doing chapters like this often, but I found that I loved these stories (especially Vincent and Rachel's story. so far that one has been one of my favorites so far) too much not t tel them!


	8. so you can never leave

**Congratulations to AtierxC! YOU ARE THE WINNER OF MY 50TH REVIEW CHALLENGE. **Please like, email me or something to claim your prize. My email as well all my IM, social networking site info and anything you really need to contact me with is all on my fan profile. To everyone else: do not fear. The same contest and prize is being award to my 100th reviewer, and so on for every 50 reviews/comments so you'll get your chance eventually.

**Elhiem**- I believe the video game they are playing is called "Sodomy".

**Bedabi**- I have no idea as to how this story can in any way be confusing. It's all pretty straight forward and I purposely create my writing style to be extra-readable. You won't find pretentious purple prose with indecipherable text here!

**Myki254x**- Yes. Ciel ate Lizzie. She was delicious. Like a cupcake, like a cupcake.

**Fefesg**- That is my goal here! Though I don't think this story is family friendly in the least.

**Sorageek**- Yes Claude and Alois DO show up. Actually, they show up in this chapter.

And a thank you to people on other websites who give me comments about this particular fic! I'm really complemented when people know who I am and then somehow feel the need to be so kind. Superhell! Can also be found on my live journal art archive- satanickittens so if you have a live journal account please add my art/writing archive!

"I swear this cat is going to eat me out of house and home." Sebastian sighed, picking up another massive bag of Jeff's inappropriately expensive coffee. That cat went through caffeine like an addict and still he slept for 18 hours a day. Unbelievable.

"Hey! I'm on your shoulder, you know!" Jeff pawed at Sebastian's face.

"And you are on my wallet! Constantly!" Sebastian said.

"It isn't my fault you had to fuck up and got fined for it!" Jeff smacked Sebastian.

"The two of you are like children." Ciel sighed.

"Keep yer mouth to ya self, child."

"Yes, my lord. I agree completely with Creamsicle."

"My name is Jeff, not Creamsicle!"

"Creamsicle would have been much cuter!"

"DAMN IT! THE TWO OF YOU SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!" Ciel smacked the both of them in the back of the head. Jeff shot him a glare for the two of them.

"Jeeze kiddo." Jeff said. "Calm doooown." he smushed his paw against Ciel's face.

"Feel the paw and be calmed, dear child. Feel it."

"I'm feeling enraged." Ciel muttered through the orange fluff. "If you don't move your paw I will eat it." he threatened and Jeff crawled up on Sebastian's head, his fat rolls hung over Sebastian's eyes.

"All that extra testosterone is turning Ciel into a complete dick." Jeff said. He curled up on Sebastian's uncomfortable lap and curled himself into a big squishy circle of kitty.

"Tell me about it. He has been upstairs for a few hours, I wonder if is he feeling well…" Sebastian pondered.

"He's probably masturbating." Jeff said.

"Indeed. I am not finding out whether or not he is ill for that reason."

Ciel was in the bathroom, but he was not touching himself. He had gone upstairs with that very intention, but the second he had started to, he suddenly felt ill in a way he could not place. Like the cavity where his stomach had once been was rumbling with hunger yet he was hungry. After going completely flaccid after fifteen minutes of desperate boredom fapping with no arousal in sight, Ciel just sat on the bathroom, doubled up in pain he couldn't find a particular place to go with. He could not move a single muscle, not even lips to beg Sebastian to help him. So he laid there for hours on end, hoping that Sebastian would feel the need to touch up his eyeliner and fin him there and maybe help him if he felt nice enough to.

"Ciel…" Jeff prodded him with his paw.

"Yo Sebs! I think the little king of pricks is either sick or he fapped himself into a coma."

Sebastian bent down next Ciel, prying open his eyelids to check his eyes. The second eyelid was visible and Ciel did not respond when Sebastian shone the light from his cell phone screen into his eyes. Sebastian was not nearly as worried as Ciel was, but Sebastian new that while Ciel was most likely in tremendous pain that it probably wasn't going to come close to actually hurting him.

"Ciel…" Ciel could finally feel something other horrible pain. There was something that seemed off to him as Lucifer stood in front of him with a smile on her face. Like he had fallen asleep for years and years as if he was put under some anesthetics. While he couldn't remember quite when he fell asleep, he did remember the pain an he noticed that it wasn't there anymore.

"Hm?"

"Oh goody, you're finally came to again! Far earlier than even I would have expected!" Lucy beemed a little bit holding a clipboard in her arm and a pen behind her ear.

"What happened?"

"Your body had to reject some of the tissues, so part of it crystallized."

"What?"

"Your arms and legs fell off and your body shut down so it could rebuild them. You'll live." Lucy explained Ciel looked at his arms and legs, they felt fine, they looked no different. He could move them just the same, so what was the difference?

"You can leave now." Lucy told Ciel pulling him out of the cot and forcing him to lug his tired self out of the hospital room where Jeff was waiting for him by the door.

"Hey kiddo. The douche bag told us to meet him by the coffee shop. I'm jonesing for some brew, so I'm gonna sleep on your back until we get there." Jeff leaped onto Ciel's shoulder and curled himself around his neck while Ciel wondered- just what coffee were they going to?

Every street corner in Hell looked the same. Everyone had a store that sold clothing that was brand new but made to look old, a coffee shop of some brand- more often than not it was another "Starbucks". It was infuriating that Sebastian wouldn't bother telling Jeff which new faceless replica of the same coffee shop again and again they'd be meeting at.

"Sebastian!" Ciel stamped his foot and Sebastian was next to him.

"Couldn't find it, could you?" Sebastian teased.

"Shut up. You know damn well they all look the same."

"Here I was thinking that little nap of yours would have you wake up in a better mood." he sighed. Jeff exchanged his place around Ciel's neck like a scarf for Sebastian's shoulder which was wider and far more comfortable for a cat Jeff's size to sleep on.

The inside of the starbucks was immaculately clean, like every place in hell. Ciel sat by the window and gazed at the desolate streets. There was pavements for automobiles yet he rarely if ever saw a car driving around. He did not eve see any other demons walking around the streets but the coffee shop was busy, so where did they come from? The entire place just seemed like one deserted suburb after another. There was no crime no fire, no screaming pits of death. No, the real kind of hell was not a hell one would want to leave. Just the same boring shit again and again and again and over and over. There was no adventure or room for thought or advancement._ That was the true meaning of suffering._

In a society with no adventure, couldn't the adventure left be to completely dismantle and destroy everything? Ciel was thinking that maybe that would make it better, but he knew better. If anything were destroyed it would simply be rebuilt again until it was back to its perfect beyond reason way. Nobody wanted to change this and why would they? It was perfect. There was nothing wrong, nothing that could be improved. Everything had been done before there was no room or anything new or exciting.

Even the bible itself described hell as a prison that even the demons were in chains. That it was a horrible inescapable prison, and that even the ones ho ruled over it wanted no part of. At first, Ciel thought that was impossible- that it really was all just a bunch of lies being told to cover up the truth. Then he learned better. Everyone around him was in chains. His parents, Jeff, Sebastian, even himself. They were all slaves to something. Whether it be an actual bondage like Sebastian's choice in clothing or the bondage of mindless consumerism, hell was a prison. Just not the kind he was expecting.

"Ciiiiel" Jeff waved his paw in front of Ciel's face, waking him from his existential trance.

"Hm?"

"You space out a lot. You need to start paying more attention to shit. Sebastian has been lecturing you this entire time and he just stormed off looking all angry."

"That's his fault."

"No it's not." Jeff corrected him. "It's yours. It's own damn fault you don't pay attention to him. Sure he's practically suicidal because he's stuck with your pompous ass for eternity but the least you could do is try to be nice to him. He isn't as bad as I say he is."

Jeff continued to lap up his frappuchino until a short blonde boy sat down in the chair Ciel was just. His ice-blue eyes showed a look of deranged glee that made Jeff's already folded ears fold even back more.

"Hey can you tell me where the fuck that black haired boy just ran off to?"

"Piss off." Jeff hissed, ready to leap forward and scratch. The boy did not back off even daring to reach for his head so Jeff gave him a warning slap without using his claws. Next time- he was going for the face.

"Chill kitty. I'm just looking for Ciel. I'm an old friend of his." the boy explained.

"I highly doubt Ciel would be friends with a faggot who wears a pink tutu and fairy wings to a fuckin' star bucks." Jeff raised his ears slightly, but he was still ready to pounce.

"Sorry about him." a woman apologized. She was a strange looking demon, not as strange as Beelz; but strange enough that Jeff had to take a second look at her.

"We're friends of Ciel from before he came to hell. We haven't seen him in quite some time so we were hoping you could tell us where he went so we could say hello." she explained, without using profanity.

"What the biddy said." Alois agreed. He tried to flick Jeff on the forehead but Jeff gave him a good scratch. Alois backed off after that.

"He ran out after his butt-buddy Sebs. I don't know where they went but I'm guessing they're about to have some kind of fight so you might wanna take a good gander at that. Or diffuse it but I personally would rather watch than solve." Jeff said. Alois and the strange woman left Jeff to enjoy his coffee in the quiet tutu free scenery of the pretentious people writing on their laptops around him.


	9. pink, glittery, and gay all over

**AtierXC-** _You have yet to claim your prize! Either give me some prompts or someone else will get it._

_Wow, there's a lot of fellow plague rats in the house…. Or should I say asylum? Ooo~ I guess my EA fanatic power level is a bit showy. I've done a few EA themed fanfics in the past, just incase anyone was wondering. I was also on the old Asylum boards under the name "Dr. Fetus-face" if anyone was particulary curious about that. The song lyric was from "Liar"._

_I'm always impressed by how many people seem to really adore Jeff. On a related note I am doing a series of video blogs on you tube detailing my various do's-and-don'ts o writing fan fiction. My first one was on writing original characters that are awesome. Please view here and subscribe! Remove the parentheticals, please. (ht)tp:/(/www.)youtube.(com/watch?v)=(71DruoV_I2g)_

_Just a note of precaution, this chapter does, in fact, contain a sexually explicit scene. Granted, it's not very sexy, and it's not very explicit. But it happens and it is marked by asterisks (*). Feel free to skip over it._

"Ciiiiel." Alois clasped his hands over Ciel's eyes and whispered in his ear. "Guess whooo~"

"By some awful miracle that I can't even begin to comprehend…Alois."

"Righto!" Alois let go of Ciel's head and jumped in front of him, giving him a hug that Ciel really didn't want. Sure, they had fixed up some minor miscommunication problems while being stuck in the same comatose body but that didn't make them friends.

"What are you doing here?"

"Eternal damnation. What are you doing here?"

"Same."

"Why the wings?" Ciel had to ask. Alois's get up was fucking hilarious, it was pink, glittery and gay all over. Yet he wore it so casually, as if being a flittering little fairy was second nature to him.

"Oh, these are for a dance show Claude and I are doing next week. You should watch." Alois handed him a flyer for the show. It looked like a standard ballet flyer so Ciel entertained the idea of going.

"If the show happens next week why are you wearing the fairy costume now?"

"The show never ends!" shouted a voice. Who else but Claude Faustus would appear wearing an outfit identical to Alois's and do a split while maintaining his perfect poker face? Ciel cringed with second-hand embarrassment for being seen near the two of them.

"Hey Ciel, I never mentioned before but I wanna' apologize for having sex with Claude while my soul was in your body. I hope you aren't too mad at me or anything'." Alois apologized before he and Claude skipped along down the side walk with each other, probably to the nearest fairy convention.

Ciel's mind was frozen in time. He had sex with Claude mother fucking Faustus. The amount of shame and humiliation was beyond anything Ciel could ever imagine. Some how, in the back of his mind he could grasp the idea of it not being entirely his fault, because he wasn't conscious or even in control of his body. Yet in the back of his mind, he knew- it still happened. He fucked Claude. He was on ten parallel dimensions of fucked; and he had to face reality, it happened. Ciel wanted to puke.

Alois skipped long the side walk with the love of his after-life. They held hands and occasionally Claude might crack a smile if Alois felt him up when he thought someone might see. Alois was a fan of groping Claude's ass in public, it was a like a competition. How many people could he get to look at their public displays of affection. He wanted everyone to see, he didn't care if they thought he was some kind of slut. Alois was a slut anyways, why deny when you can enjoy it?

"I think he might be mad." Claude said, Alois laughed it off.

"Nahh. Ciel's cool, I'm sure he understands."

Ciel was not understanding. He was going to murder Alois Trancy the next time he saw him and this time he'd make sure he actually died this time. Jeff eventually caught up to Ciel but after seeing the look of complete rage on his face, Jeff thought he probably shouldn't ask. It was his fault the fairy kid found him, anyways. The one thing they could both relate to as they walked home was the fact that they both hated and wanted to kill Alois.

Sebastian was looking gloomy on the couch, sulking like a prepubescent emo child. He was acting so similar to Ciel that Jeff wanted to make some kind of comment about them being twins, but he decided to refrain himself. Sure he was a jack ass like no other, but even Jeff new being an ass hat had it's limits. He'd have ample opportunity to snark the living hell out of the both of them later. He always did.

"I'm gonna' over to Rachel and Vi's now." he said quietly before walking over to the house next house and leaping in through an open window.

Ciel and Sebastian were left alone in the living room. Completely alone. No Jeff to distract Sebastian from the fact that he was actually contemplating killing Ciel and risking incarceration for a few thousand years if Lucy caught him. No Jeff to ignore Ciel from the fact that he may very well die or get mortally injured. Sure, he could command Sebastian to not kill him, but he was sure that one of these days his servant was going to get pissed off and maim him and there wouldn't really be anything to stop him. Ciel was considering putting him in a cage or cage equivalent but he didn't see how that would make Sebastian any less likely to want to kill him.

The silence was killing him, he wanted to say something, but Ciel couldn't think of any way to apologize without making it sound like a lie. It was a lie, but he still wanted to make it believable as such some weird grasp at the concept of being polite. An apology for no other reason than to seem like he wasn't being a complete dick. Ciel was transparent like a clear shower curtain and Sebastian happened to have 20/20 vision. There was nothing you could really hide from him. Ciel sat down next to him and he could feel that black hatred-aura rise around the both of them.

"Do you mind?" Sebastian asked. He prodded Ciel's cheek with his talon. "Are you listening to me?"

"Hm? No. Should I bother?"

"You should if you'd rather not wake up and find yourself dead."

"Fine. What is it, oh great elder-demon, tell me whatever you have been bitching about all day."

"I need to switch into my female body and I would ask if that would upset you but now the amount of my consideration for your mental well-being has decreased sharply."

"Go ahead. What made you think I would care to begin with?"

Ciel didn't notice the change at first. He didn't feel like it was different, so what if Sebastian was a girl? He'd seen women before right? So…what was the difference? He kept telling himself that but as he took the occasional side-glances at Sebastian's now quite lovely cleavage he couldn't help but feel strangely aroused by the entire situation. Here he was alone in a room, with a woman who wasn't anything less than totally hot. But it was Sebastian. It was really a guy, and that is what truly unsettled him. It didn't stop Ciel from staring though. He had this nasty habit of staring off into space, getting lost in his own day dreams of naked women (Sebastian) and it wasn't going unnoticed.

"Are you staring at my breasts?" Sebastian asked, but he didn't need to because Ciel was still in a hormone-induced stupor. "You are."

"Excuse me. I would never oogle anyone, especially you." Ciel glared at Sebastian.

"Well you just did. You are a pervert, my lord. A full-fledged pervert."

"You're a pervert for wearing that top!" Ciel said. Everything was just hanging out of it.

"Would you prefer that I take it off?" Sebastian played with the strings that held his top in place.

"Yes, yes I would!"

"Then you, my dear master, are a pervert." he flicked Ciel's forehead which made the kid growl at him.

***Sebastian unlaced the ribbon that held his shirt together. It fit him just fine when he had a perfectly flat man chest but now he was afraid that if he kept the shirt on, it would stretch out the pvc and he'd never be able to wear it again. It was uncomfortably tight and anyways, he really wanted to piss Ciel off. Ciel wanted to look away, really, he did but he couldn't. This was, aside from his infancy, the first time he got a prime look at the female body.

And oh boy, what a body it was. Sebastian walked upstairs to put on something less skin-tight and Ciel got a look at the entire package (and a certain lack of another) as he went up the stairs. Ciel didn't mean to be so rude, but he really wasn't even considering anything else. There was something about the T&A that allowed his pre-teen mind to crash land straight into the gutter. The plane had careened straight into the side of the cliff and smashed into so many little bit they couldn't even retrieve the black box on this one. Not that anyone would want it, it was clear as the atmosphere as to what Ciel was thinking.

"Young master?" Sebastian wave his hand in front of Ciel.

If Ciel wasn't completely blinded by testosterone, he would have killed Sebastian. Really, he would've strangled that bitch so hard he'd look like those African neck-coil wearing tribes' women. Yet, because this was Ciel, and because his gun seemed to have a very slippery trigger he fun the amount of anger he felt be completely over ridden by the unexplainable urge to nail Sebastian. It didn't help that this new, 'improved' outfit contained nothing more than a few belts, a promoted bikini top and a loin cloth made out of shiny plastic material. Ciel tried to thin just wow he managed to wear underwear with that skirt but then remember that Sebastian always had a preference for freefalling. That didn't help much either.

"This is too much for you, isn't it?"

"Too much for what?" Ciel asked.

"Clearly, the sight of any female is enough to turn you into a blubbering pile of idiocy. Oh, and I am well aware that you're getting a boner right now. Honestly, for any man much less a so-called noble, you have absolutely no shame at all."

Ciel didn't even notice that. He was too busy inspecting Sebastian's anatomy to even recognize that he had gotten a stiffy. He was going to do something like run upstairs to take an ice bath or hell, even lie about it but there was really no lies out of this one. This was really beyond any embarrassing situation he had done before. Passing out from a night of drinking with Alois and waking up in an alley in the bad part of London was a close bet, but nothing quite compared to getting a raging hard-on in front of Sebastian.

This was really the absolute shit. Sebastian had taken to sitting next to Ciel with a scowl on his pretty now blood red lips and a powerful aura screamed 'if you touch me, I'll find a way to kill you.' around him. Though somewhere in that bleak blackness was the shining promise, that if Ciel could get this one right, he'd be enjoying something he'd never had before but was always told was pretty good. He'd be nailing a pretty girl. He'd get ye olde poon. It would be totally worth it.

Sure, Lizzie ha promised him pre-marital relations but Ciel hadn't ever gotten farther than his hand up her bloomers and Sebastian wasn't wearing any bloomers. Or really anything at all. Yet, there he was sitting right next to him, less than a few inches away, and ever-still was that shining promise of poon. Just sitting there. Right next to him. Right within his reach.

First move- the awkward side ways shuffle. He scuttled himself closer to Sebastian, while hopefully not looking as if that's what he was doing. Second move, he might oh-so-casually 'get tired', while in reality his mind and dick were jumping up and down in excitement. Ciel rested his head on his shoulder, which as now at the perfect resting height. Third move- Sebastian got horribly sick of ceils pathetic attempts to get poon and simply pushed him back.

"You could ask nicely." he suggested. Ciel nodded in compliance. "Now repeat after me, my dear little lord: 'Sebastian I have something to ask of you'. Now say it."

"Sebastian I have to ask of you."

"Please, my lovely servant, would you please give me permission to nail you?" Sebastian squished Ciel's cheeks, and then wrapped her finger around his neck.

"Please, my lovely pain in the ass servant, would you please give me permission to nail you?" Ciel asked, in a way that he didn't want to be subjected to begging his own servant to do something, but he didn't have too much of a choice and it wasn't like the humiliation wouldn't be worth it.

"Why yes, I would like that very much. Thank you for being so polite." Sebastian then managed to crawl onto Ciel's lap, his now smaller size made it so that he most certainly wouldn't crush him. Though Ciel would've sworn those perfect thighs were capable of crushing him. It was within a second that Ciel was thinking 'oh where did my pants go?' and a few second later he absolutely had to protest to letting a woman be on top.

"Sebastian…"

"Shut up, you are very lucky that I am letting you hit this, so do me a favor and try not to ruin it for yourself." he bit Ciel's lips close with his teeth but even still Ciel had to push back a little bit.

"No. It is unbecoming for someone of my status to be below you."

"You know what else is unbecoming? Not knowing what you're doing." Sebastian made good use of his now heavy chest and hips and pressed Ciel against the couch. No need for either of them to move to a more convenient location- the latex made it easy to clean up. Ciel's bedroom technique was as far Sebastian could tell, really quite bad. For a second as Ciel was vainly trying to ram him, Sebastian pondered as to how unfortunate Elizabeth Middleford would have been to receive such amateur treatment on her wedding night. He wasn't ever going to let him do this again, ever.

"You're not pulverizing a slab of meat." Sebastian slapped Ciel across the face. "Do it right." ***

"That was not gay."

"That was beyond gay."

"It was not gay, Sebastian!"

"You fucked me! You were awful and you came far too early but you did fuck me."

"It doesn't count if you're in a female body!"

"A man in a woman's body is still a man!"

"It wasn't gay!"

"What wasn't gay now?" Jeff leaped in through the kitchen window, perching on the sill. He looke at the girl for a few seconds before figuring out it was Sebastian.

"Nice tits, Sebs." he commented.

"Ciel fucked me."

"That is gay. That is campier than a group of tents. That is all seven colors of the rainbow gay." Jeff said.

"It's not gay!" Ciel shouted, before stamping off somewhere to sulk like a spoiled child.

"On a scale of blind epileptic monkey to leper- how bad was he?" Jeff asked.

"Blind epileptic money with leprosy and terrible aim." Sebastian answered.


	10. pustule sucker

_What a quick update….hm? Anyways, I neglected to mention this beforehand but about a week or two ago my laptop went out of commission, and because my desktop computer's keyboard doesn't have a working space bar I was unable to write fan fiction…or was I? Either way, at the time I wrote out ten new chapters which successfully concluded the story Superhell!. So that's why updates are so quick. I have already written the story but I have yet to type it up. I'm a horrible typist but I write fast by hand. -Fetus_

There was a knock on the door but Sebastian didn't answer it. There were five knocks and still he hid behind the kitchen table, hoping that soon, it would go away. Then six, than ten, then twenty minutes had gone by and whomever it was wasn't going to leave. Jeff wasn't home and even if he was, and even if he could unlock doors, he probably wouldn't bother to. Ciel was at his breaking point, he normally didn't because that was 'Sebastian's job' but he was feeling awkward post-awful-sex embarrassment and didn't want to ask him to do anything.

Upon the door, Ciel found a human girl. Was she lost or something? How the hell was this girl and why would she refuse to leave after they pretended to not be home. She was tall perhaps even as tall as Sebastian in his human form, she towered over Ciel. There was this strange funk to her, as if she was one of those unwashed vagabonds. Her attire was distinctly human, and distinctly unfashionable. She wore a pair of skinny jeans with a pair of shorts over it with a white t shirt and a vest. Her hair was a blonde-brown mix with this awful frizzy texture one may expect from pubic hair. The girl's eyes were a bulging blue color that gave Ciel the heebie-jeebies. She could not seriously mean to be here.

"Is Sebastian there? I heard he changed his name, but nothing can keep me away!" she asked and Ciel was a bit shocked that Sebastian would even take the time out of his day to glance at the girl in anything but horror. He was weird anyways, so Ciel didn't question it.

"Let me go check." Ciel slammed the door in her face before going back inside.

Sebastian was hiding in the largely empty refrigerator. Because he was still the size of a rather short female, he had absolutely no trouble fitting inside of it. Ciel raised an eye brow- this was ridiculous.

"There is a human girl outside for you." Ciel told him. Sebastian shivered, and not because of the temperature of the container he hid inside of.

"I'm not home. I moved. I'm dead. I went back to earth. You ate me."

"How do you even know who it is?" Ciel tapped the heel of his shoe on the floor.

"I could smell her." Sebastian said. Ciel agreed. They both could smell her still standing on their door step. Ciel formulated a plot to get rid of her, though. He scribbled something on a piece of paper then braved his way to the door step.

"And your name is?" Ciel asked her, she seemed unusually happy.

"Melissa Rosewell!" she answered, squealing into Ciel's ear. It was cute when a girl who was both young and attractive did it. It was infuriating when a grown woman did it.

"Well then Melissa, Sebastian is actually writing a novel and he's gonna' be in Starbucks for a few days. It's the one on that street, you know?" Ciel asked.

"Yeah!" She chimed in, like an idiot that didn't know what she was talking about but went along with whatever Ciel said to keep herself from looking 'stupid'.

"Good, now here's a special note for you to use. Okay?" he handed the slip of paper to her and without even looking at it she skipped away into the distance. What a fucking moron.

Sebastian crawled out from the ice box, knocking out a few bottles of red bull and fermented blood on his way. Today he was dressed slightly less like a slut but still in a way that put Ciel's britches in a bunch. Jeff wasn't bothered by it, but he was a cat. He just like the opportunity to mock the two of them mercilessly. Ciel was sitting at the kitchen table with the expression that didn't need words to go with it.

"What the hell is up with you lately?" Ciel asked.

"Knowing that Melissa has found me again has put me on the edge."

"Why?"

"I suppose I should explain about her and I. She was my last contract before you and probably the second worst mistake I made in my life next to sleeping with you. It started off that she had gotten into demonology and had done her research very well. She knew about anything about me that any cracked demonology text book could say about my existence. This girl never asked anything from me that wasn't intensely creepy. At first she would as me to model nude for her to draw and I consented. She asked if I wouldn't mind becoming a character in a novel, and I consented. Melissa was no different from any other artist. Then she asked me to have sex with her. I consented, because how bad could it be? Bad, very bad. She nailed me to the bed with silver nails, and held me there for weeks. She disemboweled me, cut me into bits and injected various bacterial cultures into my skin to give me various infections. If I got a cyst, she'd cut it open and suck the pus out. I managed to get free, and then I killed her and banished her soul to hell. I had no idea she would continue to stalk me. Lucy won't let me kill her and I can't possibly stomach the idea of eating such a grotesque soul."

"You can cut contracts? Why not cut mine?"

"I am afraid that it doesn't work like that if there two demons involved. Or I would have."

"What a pity." Ciel cracked open a red bull and chugged it down. "What can you do?"

"Nothing. That girl is everywhere. Recently, she's taken to publishing various works of fiction involving herself and I in various sexual acts."

"…And you think I am a perverted master?" Ciel asked.

"You are both perverts. Except that you are fairly sane for a young demon and that girl is out of her mind. The sad part is that once you look past her insane fetish for me she isn't that horrible of a person. She is just an arrogant child who simply can't understand the idea that people might not like her."

"How can we avoid her?"

"I am going to stay in this female body until she goes away and if the worst happens I might just force you to eat her or something." Sebastian's plan wasn't well formed but he was willing to do anything to keep her away. That and he hadn't shape shifted into his girl form in a long time and he kind of missed it.

"Oh no. I'm not touching that." Ciel said. Uh-uh, no fucking way. Just talking to her was a painful enough experience, eating her would probably make him explode or something.

"Would you prefer that she suck your pustules as well, my lord?"

"No."

"Then we'll kill her if she won't fuck off." Sebastian said. He was determined to put an end to this. Having Ciel order him around like a bitch was humiliating enough the last thing he needed to deal with was some crazy girl hounding after his junk. Ciel nodded in silent agreement. If they wanted their life run smoothly, then they would very well have to actually do a thing called 'team work'.


	11. how whoreibble!

_Okay, so nobody claimed the 50th review prize. How horribly sad. So let's just move on to the next which is of course the grand 100th review contest. The prize is the same, the number is bigger. start typing. (Fanbrats beg for reviews, I hold contests. The difference is that you win stuff with me. Because I don't suck.)_

_**to everyone**- Yes, this girl is disgusting. I made Jeff and Lucy to generally be likeable characters. I made Melissa to be hated, disliked, and unloved. That way when Sebastian kills her it will be pleasant and satisfying for me as the writer and for you as the reader. For her pustule-sucking mockery must be stopped an the only thing to stop her is a second death, death, death_.

"Okay, let's get some information on this girl." Ciel suggested and Sebastian turned on the internet access for the television. The first thing Sebastian did was run her name through a search engine, but that hardly turned up any results due to the fact that her name was so common. Many demons had taken to discarding their old fashioned names and replacing them with more modern ones. This made Melissa one of the most popular names in hell. The internet became increasingly unhelpful.

"Maybe we need a second opinion." Ciel suggested. He used Sebastian's cell phone to call one of the best detectives he could think of. Lucky for them, he lived right next door.

"You said that you and Sebastian need help?" Vincent asked, joining them on the couch with his paper thin laptop computer.

"We're trying to stalk and kill my stalker." Sebastian explained, and Vincent new better than to ask questions. He had been the queen's hitman for a number of years, so he knew there always a reason.

"And you are using the internet?" Vincent asked.

"Yes."

"Well that most certainly won't be effective." Vincent shook his head. "Ciel, as the queens guard dog, you should know better than to use such a watered down method. The key here, is that if she is stalking you, then you don't have to find her. You can pretend you don't know she is there and strike at will." he suggested and suddenly, it made perfect sense.

"I would prefer spending as little time around her as I possibly could." Sebastian said. He was going to be stubborn about this.

"Whatcha' fags doing?" Jeff jumped on his favorite shoulder to sleep on.

"Did your cat just call me a fag?" Vincent asked, feeling a bit indignant.

"No, we was calling us fags." Ciel sighed.

"Why?" he had to ask.

"I don't want to talk about it." Ciel said.

"I do. Lets talk about." Jeff said. "Sebastian decided he'd change to his female form to avoid his stalker-friend, and Ciel fucked him. It was pretty gay."

"That is pretty gay, son." Vincent said. Not that he wasn't happy that his son had found someone, and not that he didn't think Sebastian was right guy for him, it was just that the whole shape-shifting thing really creeped him out. Just looking at Sebastian in a woman's body was weirding him out.

"Let's just get back to finding that bitch and killing her because this is really cutting into my endless resource of time." Ciel suggested, wanting anything to be rid of the subject.

"Oh, I found something. It says something about a personal blog where she posts her writing." Vincent said.

"That might have some hints, open it." Vincent said. He read the page on his personal laptop, and at first his expression remained neutral. Then he had this look of shock on his face and suddenly, he felt far too ill to even look at his tea, much less finish it.

"You might want to leave the room, Ciel."

"I can handle it." Ciel said.

"It's about you." Vincent said. "I can't even…" he gagged on a bit of vomit that found it's way into his mouth. He hoped it was fiction, really, he did. Ciel took the computer and read the text on the screen.

"How does she know my name…?" He asked. Sebastian also looked at the screen.

"I am not sure but this is some sick shit, and I say this as a man old enough to have seen everything twice." Sebastian continued to read the entries, hoping that somewhere in the never ending flock of stories about him and his master there would be something of use.

"How many stories are there?"

"About twenty." Sebastian said. "Thirty if you count the corresponding illustrations."

"How long has she known we were here?"

"According to the dates posted, she has written all of these within a matter of an hour." Sebastian himself found this unbelievable, just how much of her life did she dedicate to this shit? Didn't she have something better to do?

"Fucking hell…" Vincent commented. "I am going to kill this bitch myself."

"Father?"

"I am going to murder her." Vincent repeated.

Ciel was scared. He had never seen his father angry before not even when he was a little kid and accidentally knocked down the vase containing great grandma Phantomhive's ashes. Vincent always seemed happy, patient and generally harmless. Even when he worked as the queen's personal hit-guy, Vincent hardly ever did anything cruel. He did the task quickly and was actually quite the well mannered killer, if that could make any sense. But if someone threatened his family? They'd fucking pay.

"So, what is our game plan?"

"I am only human, it takes me longer than it does you two." Vincent said. He scribbled down notes on a per, crossed a few things out and he could to his brilliant plot.

"Today we will gather all our information, and this week Sebastian has to go back to his original body to attract her. After that we will monitor to see when she has time to follow her and assume all other time is spent writing disgusting fanatical sex stories about him. Three weeks from now- we kill her. I will do my best to pretend that I am Sebastian and I will go in for the kill."

"You might die. She isn't sane." Sebastian warned Vincent. It's not that he didn't enjoy the help, it was just that he did not want to have his master's father destroyed yet another time. Ciel would inevitably have another breakdown and that was no good.

"I think I can handle it."

Later that day, a different visitor had come to the door step of Sebastian's condo. This time it was a slightly less welcome person but still, not nearly as foul-smelling as the prior.

"Heey Ciel." Alois said, greeting Ciel with a kiss on the cheek. Vincent raised an eyebrow.

Alois made himself at home on the sofa, sprawling out on the couch and nearly knocking the laptop off of Vincent's lap. Jeff jumped onto the back of the sofa because his spot had been robbed from him and he glared at Alois, ready to claw him. Alois was by himself, neither accompanied by Claude, Hannah, or his younger brother. He spent his 'me time' bothering every one he didn't already bother on a daily basis.

"This guy looks a lot like you two, did you fuck Sebastian and knock 'im up or something'?" Alois asked pointing his finger at Vincent.

"I am his father, and you are?"

"A friiiiiend." Alois drawled out.

"You are not my best friend, you are not my anything." Ciel corrected him, but nobody could really correct Alois Trancy.

"Lies. All lies." He just didn't listen.

"What do you want, Alois?"

"Nothin'! I just wanna' hang out with my best friend is there something wrong with that?"

"Go bugger Claude or whatever it is you do."

"Ciel, be nice to your friends. With your attitude I am shocked you have any." Vincent reprimanded him, which make Ciel sulk a bit. The only thing he liked about being an orphan was not listening to his parents tell him what to do.

"You know," Jeff said. "If you two went golfing together Ciel would have to yell out _'whoooore'_."

"Jeff! That is a rude thing to say!" Vincent said but Jeff put his paw over the human's mouth.

"I bet after last night, his throat is feeling very _whooor_se."

"When he wakes up in the morning after doing his pedophile boyfriend, he reads his _whore-_roscope!"

Alois got up, looked angry and scuffed out of the house with a look of murderous intent on his face that said something like 'just wait until Hannah hears about this!'.

"I know, I know, these puns are just _whore_-rrible!" Jeff cackled. Sebastian started laughing after his poker façade failed but Jeff gave him a kitty look and said,

"Don't make me break out the puns on you too, Slutbastian."


	12. the power of pretension

**_100th review challenge is still a go! Just so you know._**

_**Scrappel**- Slutbastian is what Grell's wetdreams are made of._

_**BloodlyCherryBlossom- **Jeff loves to get love. It fuels his big foldy ego. _

_**princessciel-** You'll get them. Oh yes you will. The puns rain down in hell like the blood of the innocent._

_**XXRJXX-** Bad puns make everything better. _

_**Elheim**- Don't worry, I don't like Melissa very much, I'll be glad when she's gone! Vincent accepts his son for who he is no matter what. _

_Remember that chapter with all those backstory stories? And how William was involved? Well. There was a point for that. I really hope nobody minds the occasional breaks from Sebastian and ciel's daily life too much. I promise that this story DOES revolve around them, but not exclusively. A story can't jut have two people. That would be boring and being boring negates the reason why I wrote this story to begin with. Superhell!, I promise, will never be boring. I don't do boring. _

Lucille had always considered herself a fair leader. As an omnipotent goddess who could be anywhere and everywhere at the same time, she had possessed powers unlike any other creature before or after her. She could control space, time and physics itself bowed before her, but it hadn't always been like that. As a young thing who-knows-how-long-ago, there were many just like her and for most part, they were friends. She had always been a woman inside, but not always on the outside and even though she could hide it- never once could she have an intimate moment with another god-like being. She had never been kissed, nor touched for thousands of years while everyone else spread their filth over the vast ever-expanding universe. Instead, she focused her attention on learning things.

Then of course one day she found a guy that she liked. This guy being the so-called human god. She hadn't always agreed with his doings on the planet earth, and she always thought his manipulating of the human race and brain-washing them to his will was immoral, but fuck, he was hot. She was more than a little bit naive. Then one day, it was an unbelievable thing that the male omnipotent being of her dreams would ever approach her for a date and by date, she knew he meant lay. Lucille being oh-so-brainwashed consented to this and upon god finding her secret- he disfigured her into a creature so foul and masculine she would never be able to be normal again.

Being this way, she frightened everyone who came near, except for the demons who were largely uncaring for appearances, for they were able to shift their forms into whatever they please. So she befriended them and promised them she would find them a much more suitable place to live where others would not try to kill them. They were skeptical, but they would follow her if she gave proof of such a place. She had exceeded all expectations, her knowledge of astronomy and science was unparalleled. Her economics were infallible and so, they created their very own paradise. They told everyone else it as a horrible place to keep them out, but in reality, it was pretty sweet. With the help of her newly found friends and army, Lucille was able to be who she really was. It was a win-win situation.

Though hell had gotten crowded. Less and humans believed and more and more of them were such horrible quality that many elder demons had 'retired' their existence to the vast nothingness of death. They were mere corpses. Her friends were dead and while their children were nice to have around, they didn't understand quite what hell meant. They were for the most part careless, and spoiled, insignificant creatures. Were the elder demons and gods had used their vast amounts of energy to change things, these new kids didn't do shit. So hell became a prison of mediocrity and consumerism. Lucille never wanted it to be this way, but not even see could calculate that kind of formula.

Without the help, she was able to get by on her own. Even if it ran her ragged, she could police the entire existence of hell and earth all at all times. It wasn't fun anymore- so she naturally had to hire some help. Demons were a bunch of lazy fuckers and the existing elder-demons were no longer interested in changing things. They had their own circles in which they bitched and gossiped while doing nothing but bitch and gossip and occasionally gather cults of human followers for a delicious ego trip. Angels were largely private but those she had meant were all mentally insane. Vampires didn't even believe in her and thought anyone claiming to be 'satan' was 'an idiot.'.

This left the one solitary group that prided themselves on being completely neutral- the reapers. She had always considered the idea of allying with them but they had always laid claim to a Switzerland-like mentality of forced neutrality. After awhile, they gave her permission to 'borrow' their reapers. She would pay them herself and protect them incase of any damages would happen to the reapers. The reapers were the perfect society. They were all pretty hard-working decent men and women. Yet she had to privately contract them and most of them turned her down- even if she offered four times their normal salary.

However, there was man who gave her 'maybe'. he said that he would talk with her about and they could come to a deal of sorts. She expected to get dumped with one the stupid rookies, but she was contacted by a rather seasoned agent who was very respected amongst the reaper community. She couldn't help but be suspicious, he must've wanted something. Revenge, most likely. In his resume he mentioned that he was an expert when it came with dealing with demons, he could even speak two of their five languages. He looked like a good deal, so she brought him up to hell.

"Write down a number, Mr. Spears. and that is what I will pay you. No questions asked." she offered but he didn't seem particularly interested in that promise.

"I am not looking for a raise." William told her.

"Then what are you looking for? I can give you whatever you want." Lucy offered. William tried to loo like he was thinking, but she knew he came here with a purpose.

"Even the impossible?" he asked.

"Especially the impossible."

"I want you give my girlfriend the perfect body. She was born into a male body and wants a female one. They said it was impossible, but you claim that you have done it. Give her that and you get one hundred years of my servitude."

"How selfless. Are sure you are completely serious?"

"Would you find anyone else willing to take to take the job?" he asked. He already new he was really the only one who applied for the position. Nobody else would touch it. Most of them assume that hell was exactly as the human bibles said it was. William, being well-versed on the capture, trial and killing of demons knew that was wrong. Hell was like their Venice. If anything, he'd probably live in a hotel better than his apartment.

"No."

"Then you'll give her what she wants and get what you want. I also require things like housing, medical services, occasional repairs to my death scythe, as well money to live on. Also I am assuming there will be recovery time in which my girlfriend will also be living with me."

"You're killing me here." she said. He really wanted the world of her but honestly, what he was asking for was not only nearly impossible, it was also incredibly difficult. Here she pondered that a guy like him would want a personal slave or maybe to kill an enemy without repercussion, or maybe a lot of money or women. No, he wanted to be the fucking good guy in this situation. Typical reaper behavior.

"Nobody else will take the job."

"You have the deal." William looked her straight in the eye when he shook her hand, and there was something about reaper eyes that always gave Lucy the chills.

William didn't exactly tell Grell before Lucy knocked her out with something or other and carte her off to hell. In fact, he hadn't seen her in a month. Work was going great, because all the demons in hell were so relaxed compared to those on earth the most severe violation he gave out was a parking fine. He only worked thirty hours a week compared to forty not including mandatory overtime. He get to live less than seven hundred feet from the beach, and he had a hot tub in his basement. The local grocery store sold only organic food and also had a massive gluten free section that wouldn't fuck over his gluten tolerance if some idiot miss helved something. Oh, and smokes were incredibly cheap here. Yeah, life in hell wasn't so bad. The only negative feeling about this place he had was that Grell wasn't there with him.

Two months later, he was starting to get worried but Lucy insisted to him that Grell would be okay. He was starting to doubt her but she had him assured. If Lucy had misfired and accidentally killed any reaper no matter how much of a fuck up they were- she would be in an unbelievable amount of trouble. Still he wanted to see Grell. He never thought he could have too much silence and relaxation, but it had finally happened. He actually missed Grell.

Grell actually got out of surgery a long time ago, but had been put up in the hospital which also doubled as some kind of resort spa for recovery. She decided to see how long he'd wait before getting worried and coming after her, yet he never came after her. Not even for a visit. Grell would be incredibly angry with him if he didn't just give her a lovely pre-wedding gift of a new and improved Grell. Every morning since the bandages were cut off, Grell would look at herself naked in the mirror (something she hadn't one in hundreds of years) and actually thought it looked good. No, it looked better than good, it looked perfect.

Perfect in every way. Perfect because she could fill out all the dresses she bought but could never wear because there wasn't anything on top. Perfect because she didn't need to tape down anything just so she could wear tight pants or short skirts. Not so perfect because she couldn't have sex in a year in order for everything 'down there' to heal up- but she was okay with that. Because she got the grand privilege of shoving her breasts in everyone's faces without the fear the inserts might slip out.

"William, you heartless son of a bitch! you get your ass out here, right now!" she kicked his front door with the force of a very angry woman who still had the strength of a male reaper. In theory Grell was physically stronger than William and could probably give him the beat down if she had half the mind to.

"Hello." William greeted her. He was… in some of kind of trouble.

"Why didn't you visit me in the hospital?" without another word, Grell marched into his house. Which she automatically claimed as her own.

"Even Ronnie, visited me! Ronnie!" she pulled him up by the collar of his shirt and growled at him.

"When I heal up, I'm giving my virginity to him instead of you!"

"Virgin will never be a word that describes you." William explained to her.

"Noooo~ I am completely new and revived down there!" Grell protested. "Like that girl online who writes all that smut with Sebby! What's her pen name, oh yeah… Virgin of the Luna?"

"What?" William was completely confused. Online? Porn of the filthy whore? Virgin of what now?

"You haven't discovered the internet yet, have you?"

"No I have not."

"Well you, my dear Willy-bear, are missing out on one awesome party!"

As Grell pulled out her lap top computer, William seemed hardly phased or interested in the device. Grell spent her time clicking way and explaining to him how to use this site called 'tumblr' and how to stalk Sebastian using 'face-book'.

"You have to read this girl's stuff! She's amazing!" Grell exclaimed, turning the page to a site called 'Lunar Eclipse Magic'. William raised an eyebrow at the crude drawing of Michaelis and his tiny master getting it on while exchanging copious amounts of bodily fluids William didn't know were possible to exchange during sex. Sure, he had (literally) roped into doing some kinky shit with Grell, but this was far more disgusting than anything Grell could imagine. Maybe that's why Grell idolized the woman.

"She gets to follow Sebby all day! Lucky bitch!" Grell pouted. "Ooo~ she updated with a new story. I can't wait to read it!"

"Oh, I am just crawling with excitement." William rolled his eyes and got up to get another cup of tea while he prepared for what he assumed would most likely be typical trashy novel type prose.

William looked onto the page as Grell slowly scrolled own as if she was readily absorbing every word as if it was vast gospel of the word handed directly to her from god. All William could see was a resounding article of proof that the writers pen name "Virgin of the Luna" was accurate- only a virgin, and not the I-got-new-gentalia kind either would truly be capable of writing such unsexy and unrealistic sex. Furthermore, William was a literature snob.

For him only the greats such as Faulkner, Vonnegut, Poe and Shakespeare would satisfy his cravings for a good book. This amateur purple prose bullshit just came off jut as it was. However, an unread idiot such as Grell would eat shit like that as if it was the finest caviar. This kind of literature was the sort of thing that horny women like Grell would read to satisfy their urges without ever needing (or being able to) get laid. In addition to satisfying their indiscriminate ovaries, the over-written purple style of the prose would then make the reader think they were 'intellectual' by being able to stomach even a single paragraph of it.

"So, what do you thin, Will?" Grell asked, genuinely happy that her boyfriend had shared this moment of great reading and hobby with her.

"I would rather cut out both of eyes, get on my hands and knees and serve them to Sebastian Michaelis like a roman concubine with a rack of grapes than ever read anything that badly written and pseudo-intellectual again." he confessed. Grell looked at him with a frown.

"How could you say anything so horrible about her writing? She's a wonderful creative person with a deep heart and soul! Her writing is perfection, look at her use of language!"

"How cute!" William exclaimed. "She compared cutting someone open and sticking your dick into their upper intestine to a butterfly in an incomprehensible metaphor! Eric Slingsby writes better than this!"

"Eric Slingsy is barely literate!"

"That is my point."

"You're just a hater William. A H-A-T-E-R. You're just jealous of her."

"Why would be jealous of her? I worked as a professional writer in my life and I sure as hell could write a far better story than she ever could. I could be in a coma and write some

"LIAR! SHE IS AMAZING AND YOU KNOW IT."

"Look Grell. I respect that you have horrible taste in literature. You should respect that I don't and that reading this mockery of the language I have loved for hundreds of years is physically painful for me to comprehend." William explained. Grell calmed down, closed her computer and shot him a glare.

"I still think she is an amazing writer."

"I still now that she is a terrible writer and that you have terrible taste. It is fine if you like it but you don't have to pretend that it is good. I enjoy potato crisps and that does not make them good. It jut means that I have had a temporary lapse in taste. You have a permanent lapse in taste."

"Whatever. Luna and I are going shopping today an after that we're gonna' go stalk Sebby!"

"Have fun and I keep the liquor cabinet downstairs if you need it."

"Kay bunny" Grell kissed him on the cheek before leaving for some night time shopping with her new found online friend who also shared an unhealthy interest in Sebastian.


	13. appletinis are a straight drink

**As always, the 100th review challenge still exists! If you want me to custom write and draw something just for you, well, you know what to do.**

_**Animegirl1994**- No, it's the same girl. Virgin of the Luna=Melissa Rosewell. It's a rather important detail._

Sebastian had been hiding in house for days. No partying late at night, no going out to play go-fish with the elder demons. Not even going outside to buy new clothes or nothin'. He hid upstairs in his bedroom and watched television while Ciel and Jeff were out actually having fun. He hated that this brought him nearly to tears and that it wasn't just one more thing he couldn't control in his lie.

"Sebastian? You still in here hidin' like a mountain man?" Jeff asked. Sebastian sighed.

"First it was Ciel, now it is Melissa. I just feel like I am constantly being shafted by life recently."

"You've also gotten shafted by Ciel recently." the orange and white kitty reminded him.

"I think there is a reason why cats aren't genetically predisposed to talking."

"Really? Because I think we cats are a wonderful source of entertainment and intelligence. All wrapped up in a huggable furry ball of cuddliness." Jeff put his paw against Sebastian's face. "Feel the cuddliness. Feel it and be instantly warmed by it." Sebastian grabbed Jeff's paw and squished it, feeling the tiny claws being retracted. Jeff wiggled his paw out of Sebastian's hand.

"Hey now. No touching the paws." he gave Sebastian a swat on the hand.

"But they're so soft." Sebastian whined.

"No." Jeff said before hopping off the bed to go sleep elsewhere. Ciel's closet was sounding pretty good.

Ciel was at his parent's house watching a game of cricket on the television while Vincent and Rachel gossiped together on things like celebrities and home decorating advice found in the latest magazines. It was boring all right, but it wasn't nearly as tiresome as listening to Sebastian bitch and moan about depressed he is and how painful life is. What that really what Ciel sounded like before becoming a demon? He was starting to feel bad for anyone who new him pre-transition. Not Sebastian, of course but for his friends like Soma, who looking back really wasn't that annoying after all.

Ciel entertained the idea of possibly, maybe going to that thing Alois Trancy was performing at. He seemed like the kind of guy who would be good at dancing, being a fag and all. It's not like Ciel had anything better to do, and besides, after the show he could probably sock Alois in the face for diddling Claude in his body. Ciel was still upset after that incident, very upset.

He still had the flyer and lucky for him, the venue for the dance was a rather obvious looking joint in the shady part of town called "Twigs and Berries". It had a fairly large sign in the front of the building which was illuminated with red and gold flashing lights. The inside of it smelled similar to a smoke shop, and was decorated with a very English feeling to it, which felt very homey. Ciel could tell from the looks inside, that there was an equal mix of both humans and demons sitting on the lush chairs and tables between the bar and the stage. He wasn't sure when Alois would be performing, but he took a seat at an empty table near the front center.

"Would you like a drink?" some man asked, Ciel turned around and nodded.

"Yes please." he said, and the rather handsome guy handed him a drink that tasted like apples. Ciel had to admit, it was pretty delicious even if he couldn't get drunk from alcohol consumption anymore.

There was something strange about the bar he couldn't quite place. The flyer didn't mention it was a gentleman's club as it seemed more like an advertisement for something Lizzie would like, yet Ciel didn't notice very many women in the club. A couple people that looked like women were there, but upon a second glance, they were only men that looked like women. How strange.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Ciel hear someone nearly shout in his ear. It was his father, looking concerned and probably borrowing Sebastian's clothes again.

"What are you doing here?" Ciel asked back.

"This is a _gay bar_. Is that an appletini?" he asked.

"I can't get sick from it."

"I'm taking you home. I'm not having my only son run around in the sleaziest club possible in the middle of the night accepting drinks from random men." Vincent said. He wasn't exactly mad at Ciel, but he was gravely disappointed by his actions. Becoming a demon was one thing, using it as an excuse to constantly make poor decisions one after another was an entirely different situation.

"I was invited here by Alois. He's performing here." Ciel explained and showed Vincent the flyer to the show, which he also had a copy of. He was a frequent at this club and thus got a weekly flyer for various shows and concerts that took place there in his mail.

"After the performance I am driving you home and we are having a long talk." Vincent took Ciel's appletini and chugged it down.

The lights in the club were dimmed down further. The stage began to light up, which was the obvious que that it was going to start. As the strobe lights started to flash, nearly blinding everyone watching, Alois sauntered out from the curtains, wearing a pink feather boa and nothing else. If nothing convinced Ciel this really was a gay bar, that certainly did that job.

This was more of Alois Trancy than Ciel ever wanted to see. This was more of any other man than what Ciel wanted to see yet the only thing he could do was sit in his chair, with a look of horror spread across his face, completely unable to move from the sheer embarrassment of the situation. This was only tripled when he knew he'd have to talk his father about this afterwards. There was talking yourself out of things, then there was running into your father at a gay strip joint trying to convince him you didn't know it was a gay strip joint.

Before he could get away, Ciel was pulled up onto the stage by Alois. He tried to move, he really did, but damn, Alois had a death grip. Vincent gave Ciel a glare of death from the audience. He was fucked.

"I knew you'd come… you can't just stay away from me, can you?" Alois asked. Ciel pulled away but Alois grabbed his hair and pretty much forced him into a passionate lip lock. On stage. In front of everyone, and the most importantly- his father. Oh, this was up there on the worst nights of his life.

"Let go of me, Alois!" Ciel shouted at him, finally able to get away he leaped off the stage and landed outside of the club. Now, he didn't know he could jump that far, but damn, that came in handy. He decided to push it as far as he could and sprint back home before Alois had a chance to come running after him and kiss him again.

The second Ciel got home, he ran past Jeff's begging for food and went straight for the mouth wash in the upstairs bathroom. There he couldn't be enough mouth wash in the world to remove the taste of whore from his mouth, but damn, he could try.

"Are you feeling well?" Sebastian had the nerve to ask. Ciel shot him a look of contempt.

"Alois Trancy forced his tongue down my throat."

"So? It couldn't have been nearly as bad as him forcing himself in your body."

"Did you just make a dirty joke?"

"Yes."

"You are sickening."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"Shut the fuck up and make Jeff a sandwich for I get one of your whips I beat you senseless with it." Ciel threatened him before swishing around the last of the mouth wash. He was never in the mood for Sebastian's bullshit, but tonight, he was in a particularly foul mood. Ciel was looking for any possible excuse to punch someone in the face.

"Thanks Sebs." Jeff said between noms of his sandwich.

_"CIEL PHANTOMHIVE."_ Rachel shouted to the upstairs. "_YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW."_

Ciel tiptoed out of the bathroom and down stairs to find a very angry mother. Goddamn cellphones.

"Yes mum?" he asked, nearly wincing, a flashback to the days of being spanked.

"What is this I'm hearing about you going to a gay bar, getting drunk and tongue massaging some naked boy on stage, hm? Didn't we raise you better than some back door trollop?" She yanked on his ear. Ciel yelled out and Sebastian could only look on from the kitchen, snickering. Some enough Rachel marched over to the kitchen, dragging Ciel by his ear the entire way there.

"You!" she poked Sebastian in the chest. "You let my son go out to a bar, didn't you?" she slapped him across the face with a force that Sebastian wasn't used to.

"I am his slave, not his keeper. I have no say in where he goes, nor I do I care to." Sebastian commented and he was slapped again.

"You are grounded!" Rachel stamped hr foot on the floor. "No television, not internet and if you dare step a foot out of this house my foot is going up your ass, got it?" she asked. Ciel nodded slowly.

"Good. Now when your father's hangover and shame subsides he is going to have a long talk with you."


	14. I'm so blogging that

_**Lightzz- **I am very happy you like my Vincent. People on bb .net forums have corrupted me with a love of Deeds and Vincent, so Vincent Phantomhive is forever homosexual to me. He's such a minor character that you can write him however you want and you'll never be wrong._

_**Elheim- **Just remember, Grell in a woman's body is something William can enjoy too, if you get what I mean. Ciel's parents are just worried for his well being and over reacted. They lost him once and so, they don't want to see him get hurt again._

_**BloodyRose- **I can very happy to hear that I have managed to have improved your day with my horrible puns and sad attempts at literature._

_I am very happy that people read this story because it makes them laugh and alleviates their boredom. That's why I write it anyways. Because I don't need another angst fanfic in my life (and neither does anyone else, for that matter. Good literature=/=deep and dark.) and because I'm bored and I have nothing better to do. So I guess everyone is on the same page as I am with this, awesome! I couldn't give a damn less if people thought my art was beautiful, but I always like to hear that my art had made someone happy. To me, that is the most satisfying result._

"Sebastiiiian!"

He was on his front lawn next to the pink lawn flamingo. Just enjoying the nice sun shine and a view of the beach from his expensive ritzy condo that looked like a mirror imagine of every other house in the ten mile radius. Sebastian never had a chance.

"Oh Sebastian!" he felt the gelatinous, slightly sticky skin chafe against his own as the girl held him stomach-flat to his lawn in a death-vice.

"Master!" Sebastian called out. "Please help me!"

Ciel was standing just inside of the door step. He couldn't go outside because he knew his mother was watching. He didn't know how, where, when or why but she could see everything. Sometimes Ciel wondering if she had inhuman powers too.

"I can't leave the house. Mum will yell at me."

"This girl is going to rape me and you're worried that your mother is going to yell at you?"

"Mum'll hit me too!" Ciel said. In reality, Sebastian situation was much worse but Ciel liked seeing Sebastian suffer and his mother did ground him.

"You know you want me." she said, rubbing her face against Sebastian's shoulder. He wanted to puke. He struggled in vain to free himself from her grasp but she was too heavy to budge. His only option left was to transform into a snake and slither into the house where he would most likely hide behind the oven or some other place where Melissa's chubby arms couldn't get at him.

"Mel!" Grell yelled from across the street. "Why the hell did you just chase my Sebby away?" she asked, storming over to the front lawn looking angry.

Ciel went inside but decided to watch the impending chainsaw action from the living room window. Oh, this was going to be a good one. He had no idea how the hell Grell got here but all he new was that he might not need to lift a finger have her dead. Sebastian appeared by his side as a black crow and watched on with him. Sebastian had decided it was bet if he didn't appear as himself for awhile.

"W-w-ell…" Melissa started.

"Well what?" Grell tapped her heel on the pathway looking angry, expecting a damn good answer.

"It's been so long since I've seen him and, and, I was j-juust so happy and please I'm really sorry for ruining your plan I promise next time I'll be more careful with my feelings." she tried to explain but Grell was turning a rather pissed off shade of red and both Sebastian and Ciel knew it was chainsaw time.

"It's okay, hun. We can try again. Let's go home and bug William until he makes us dinner." Grell patted her on the shoulder and walked her off into the distance somewhere.

Inside of the house, both Sebastian and Ciel had been gravely disappointed. They were waiting for the big one, the good one. Sebastian would've been happy to receive such a lovely watering from his lawn and yet there wasn't single drop of blood shed on his lawn.

"This sucks." Ciel said.

"I can not believe they are actually working in a team to get into bed with me. It is beyond creepy. Honestly, couldn't they just find someone else to stalk for years on end?"

"No." Ciel stated. "Because that would be sane, and that is something they are clearly not."

They heard something similar to Grell's voice not far away. Sebastian's feathers ruffled when he heard the faint squealing and laughter. It was coming from under the house, it was coming from the basement. Both Sebastian and Ciel stared the door and wondered what horrors would await them if they dared open the door. Ciel stepped towards it. Sebastian went back to his normal state, ready to strike.

Ciel pressed the tip of his thick soled boot to the door, testing it. Then he pulled himself back and pressed all his weight into the door, successfully kicking it down from it's hinges. He walked down half way before seeing the interior of the basement. He had expected it to be somewhat similar to the-upstairs-room-which-shall-not-be-mentioned, but it was actually really nice on the inside. The inside was lit and furnished with a good hardwood floor and some actually comfortable looking couches and a hot tub. A hot tub which was currently being shared by Grell and Melissa. Sebastian looked down, that was definately not how he left that room. What the hell was going on here?

"What the fuck are you doing in my basement?" Sebastian asked. When people stepped all over his property, nothing quite angered him as much.

"This is my boy friend's house." Grell answered. Melissa nodde blindly along.

"No. This is my basement. It has been my basement for the past five thousand years. Now get out of my hot tub before I force you out of it." An aura of black rage creeped up the walls. Ciel wished that he hadn't worn a white blouse, blood was surely to ruin it.

"Did you two want mushrooms on-" William looked down from another set of stairs across the basement and saw Sebastian standing there. "You. Get out of my basement." he had the hate-filled gaze of Medusa that would turn mortal men to stone.

"This is my basement."

"No. When I moved in here Lucy said that I could use it."

"It is still my basement."

"I annexed your basement. It is mine now and if you do not get out of it I will take legal action against you. As Lucy's right hand man, I would have no problem winning a suit against you." William warned him and Sebastian knew he was beaten. Ciel and Sebastian retreated upstairs. Sebastian made sure the door was absolutely everything-proof to assure his two favorite stalkers couldn't get into his house. He didn't want the hot tub after Melissa and Grell had been in it, anyways.

Ciel and Sebastian sat at the table in the living room while Jeff lapped up a twenty dollar cup of coffee from a shallow dish. Not that Ciel say anything about expensive drinks, but coffee always seemed below him. Yet Jeff always proclaimed that tea was for 'those damn tea drunkards'. They were both bored and simultaneously on the edge from the mere knowledge that beneath their feet laid a massive ham beast ready to strike at any possible time. Vincent joined them at the table, despite the fact that Sebastian knew that he had locked the door. He expected as much from the previous Phantomhive detective.

"Your mom wants me to yell at you but after you ran off I stayed behind and I'm still feeling it. I support your sexual freedom but I don't want to ever see you playing tongue cricket with a naked whore on stage again. So can we just agree that you never go clubbing at the same places I do? " Vincent asked. He didn't want remember it, he didn't want acknowledge that it happened. He just never wanted to see it again and would take that much.

"I can agree to that." Ciel said glad that he could rest easy that what happened would be between the two of them and everyone else who watched, but had no clue who Ciel was.

"Back it up. What's this I hear about gay naked clubbing whores?" Jeff asked. "I don't want to talk about it." Ciel said.

"I do. Vi- tell me everything."

"I don't even want to think about it." Vincent said.

"Fine. Don't gossip with me about it!" Jeff

"Just so we are completely clear, I had no idea it was a gay bar. I thought it was a performance hall." Ciel clarified and Vincent looked at him.

"I am more worried that you didn't notice. I mean, it's obviously a gay bar. Your little friend dances there for money weekly. I thought you knew this."

"Alois is a stripper?" Ciel wasn't surprised by this, actually. Alois had always dressed like a trollop.

"Yes."

"He was a slut when he was alive too." Ciel said.

"He was a slut when he was in your body too, my lord." Sebastian said, giggling.

"Please don't talk about that in front of my father." Ciel hit his head on the table.

"I don't understand."

"We demons can transfer souls from one human body to another. When another demon killed Alois, he kidnapped Ciel and put Alois's soul in Ciel's body. Then had sex with Alois, while he was sharing a body with Ciel. Ciel had no idea he had been fucked by Claude until recently." Sebastian explained. Ciel hit his head repeatedly against the table, Sebastian was such a fucking prick.

"Is Claude that tall guy with the flippy hair and lisp?" Jeff asked.

"Yes." Sebastian said. Jeff's ears perked up instantly.

"I am SO blogging that!" Jeff said, and leaped from the table, ready to start blogging.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." Blood spattered against the surface of the table as Ciel slammed his head against it. He was sick of everyone knowing about his sexuality except himself. It was annoying and confusing.

"Should I stop him? Will this hurt him?" Vincent asked.

"No, he'll be fine." Sebastian said. "My table is fucked, though."

"Do we just… leave him alone?"

"That might be a good idea. I have a television upstairs we can watch. When he's feeling sane again we can confer on our plan again. I can't wait to tell you who move in next door."

**How To Write a Chapter of Superhell!**

**By Fetus For Brunch**

**Step one**: Have a spare hour. Forty-five to thirty minutes can also work in a pinch if you feel like typing so fast your fingers will ache four hours later.

**Step two:** Get. High. Use any method you can find in your house. Cannabis is the preferred method but anything from sleep deprivation to pain pills to fucking benedryll will do. Get creative with this one. Caffeine can be one hell of a drug if you take enough of it.

**Step three:** Write as much a you possibly can without thinking. Bonus points for:

-gratuitous profanity

-pop culture references

-trying way too hard to be funny

-gay jokes

-terrible puns

-inside jokes-unfunny, offensive, sexist, homophobic and transphobic humor

When in doubt, break out the fucking talking cat. When in more doubt, write a completely unrelated set of stories and pretend it actually qualifies as a unified chapter. When in absolute doubt- steal jokes from family Guy and/or South Park.

**Step four:** Try revision but don't give a fuck because you're probably still high. Not that you give a fuck anyways because it's fan fiction and giving two tenths of a fuck about writing quality because it's fan fiction and holds no literary importance to you.

**Step five: **Add in review replies. Usually answers to questions people had about the previous chapter because you were too stoned to write something coherent.

**Step six: **Post to every community you can find because you are an obnoxious attention-starved attention-slut.

**Step seven:** Congrats, you have officially written one chapter of Superhell! Enjoy your mediocrity.


	15. don't even joke about it

_If anyone was curious, I do own a Jeff plush and I do like to make costumes. It's a work in progress but here is a photo of Jeff plush and myself testing out makeup for my demon!Ciel costume. Please remove all paretheticals in the url._

_h(ttp):(/i54.t)inypic(.com/2)1l07qc(.jpg)_

_htt(p:/i54.t)inypic(.com/)dvm5(3a.)(jpg)_

_**Elhiem-** Whatever happens between Sebs and Ciel is a secret. Or otherwise, I'd ruin the ending and nobody wants that. I promise I'll include Jeff's blog entry in the next "Excerpts from Hell" entry. _

_**Aiji-Mango-** I have a trekkie reading my animu fanic, AWESOME! Actually, I feel quite complemented because usually TV shows have far nicer fandoms than anime ones_.

_In addenum to my last chapter, I will say this now: **don't do recreational drugs unless you are mature enough to handle the consequences of doing recreational drugs. **Please research your local laws as well as information on your drug of choice before doing recreational drugs. I do not respect doing drugs you don't know the chemical effects of, but I do respect everyone's right to poison themselves for fun._

"Hey Claude, you should cut your hair again." Alois suggested, playing with a strand of Claude's hair which now reached the small of his back.

"No. I prefer my hair to be longer." Claude pulled his away from Alois.

"It makes you look old."

"I am."

"Yeah, but you're not that. Fucking. Old." Alois said, poking his cheek bones for every last word.

"I am twenty thousand years old." Claude corrected him.

"You said that twenty thousand years ago." Hannah said from the kitchen.

"Shut up you old bitch." Alois told her and she gave him a death glare. No longer was she his maid, and she had that made very clear. Something about eating Claude if he didn't behave.

"Don't mean to her, Jimmy!" Luka told him. "She's cool."

"Nooo." Alois said.

"Yeah!" Luka told him.

"I said she isn't and that's the end of it. So suck it, brat." Alois flicked his finger against his younger brothers head and stuck his tongue out at him.

"I have something he can suck." Claude said, Hannah pointed her finger at a glass, smashing it against Claude's head. She hated it when he acted that way in front of Luka. She felt anxious every time she left him alone in a room with Alois, but he was pretty much forbidden from being alone with Luka. With Alois, she could at least pretend to accept it, but Luka? She would find a way to kill him and have him actually stay dead this time.

"Don't even joke about it!" she yelled at him.

"Did I say it was a joke?" Claude asked.

"You are disgusting." Hannah commented.

"Just think about it, wench. You don't even know half of it." Alois told her.

"Oh yes I do, little one. Who do you think cleans up after you two? You think Claude gets his lazy arse up off the damn couch to do anything but play with thread? Because he doesn't. I do." Hannah said. She served Luka up some pancakes while Alois grumbles because she didn't make him any but then remembered that he fucking hated pancakes and was grudgingly accepting of it.

"Are you two upstairs watching television?" Ciel called from the kitchen. No answer from either of them, they were probably watching some kind of boring television documentary together or something. Ciel walked upstairs and they weren't in the loft. Sebastian's bedroom door was always closed but never locked so Ciel just walked in and he found something he wasn't quite expecting to see.

He couldn't look away. It was like watching someone get shot in the face right next to you. You heard the gun click, but you refused to turn your head. You heard the bullet wizzing right next to you but you didn't even blink as it shot them in the face. You stood there and watched the brains splatter, you stood there to hear the skull crack and you watched them die right before your eyes. You couldn't look away because in the farthest part in your mind, you didn't want to look away. It was that mix of fear and horror and shock and the urge of vomit that made you take a triple take. It kept your attention.

Except instead of watching old re-runs of the JFK assassination, Ciel watched his father fuck Sebastian senseless in what could only be described as offensive enough to warrant him wanting to blind himself in both eyes. Yet no blindness could ever erase what he had just seen.

"GET OUT!" Sebastian shouted. Ciel slammed the door shut and ran out of the room. He didn't need to be told twice.

Ciel sat on the couch, a look of horror spread on his face. As if he re-discovered the death of his family. Jeff rolled over closer to him, almost concerned.

"Are you done giving yourself a concussion?" Jeff asked.

"No concussion could ever erase what I just saw. Not even death could get rid of it."

"Geeze, you act like you saw your own father get molested or something."

Ciel let out a sob. Jeff pushed his paw against Ciel's cheek.

"There, there, little demon. Don't cry, it makes you look like even more of a pussy."

"Shut up Jeff." Ciel said. "I'm not in the mood for your mockery…" he sighed.

"Nobody is in the mood for my mockery. That is why I do it. If you enjoyed it, then I probably wouldn't bother doing it. I'm a cat, cat, cat, cat. We like to bother people for attention." Jeff clarified.

"I never liked cats." Ciel said.

"Well, good for you." Jeff said, tapping his paw against the keyboard, writing words on the screen that deliberately mocked Ciel. Ciel read the blog entry as he wrote it. He had no idea how the cat managed to type so quickly using his paws, but he did. He was being accustomed to people taking about him without his knowledge of consent. The internet was a lot like trashy gossip papers from London. Except instead of mindless censored prattle about how his garter didn't match his cravat- people wrote stories about him getting ass raped by his servant. Ciel new there was something wrong with him when he found art of this and didn't puke Lizzie up. His gag reflex had been over come not only in fiction, but also in real life.

It wasn't anyone any should be used to, but some how Ciel had gotten over it. He no knew how poor Sebastian felt about Grell and Melissa. Countless people "liked" him and "friended" him on that face book website, Ciel figured he was practically an internet celebrity. Not that he wanted to be, but shit, it had already happened- so why shouldn't he create a blog? At least then he could clarify that he wasn't in any kind of relationship with anyone.

Was the domain name Ciel taken? Yes it was. Fuck. Ciel visited the website and it was slightly more insane than he had expected. Firstly, it had his address posted on it as well as a daily outfit post for people that had seen him on the street and snapped photographs of him. In addition, old clippings of news papers from earth had been brought back to hell. All of them, of course pertained to him. Well, if that wasn't insane, Ciel didn't know what was.

The one thing that bothered him more than anything else was the commentary on the some of the older photos taken from news paper clippings of him with Elizabeth. Especially one that called her a "fat annoying pig" and "oh, I wish someone would just kill her already". Seeing as Ciel was the one who had killed Lizzie, that he would never wish death on her. Not ever. He regretted it constantly, it constantly hung over his shoulders as some horrible debt he could never pay off.

Yes, Ciel had killed before, he had killed dozens of people in cold blood without hesitation or thought. Yet, when it came killing someone he had genuinely cared for, it was different. He couldn't look at it the same way, he couldn't ever look himself the same way. It was for her best that she never had to lose someone she loved again, but it wasn't exactly in Ciel's best interest. Not when he had to live for the rest of forever knowing what he had done to someone who never showed him anything but love.

"You look depressed." Jeff said. Rolling on Ciel's lap while purring had no effect on him. "We should throw a party.""I don't like parties."

"I bet you'd like a patty if I made the guest list. C'mon kiddo'. Let ol' Jeffy throw you a party."

"You're not old."

"Older than you."

"You're a cat! You can't be older than me."

"Can't I? I am a cat genetically engineered by Satan that talks and you doubt that I'm ageless. Sheesh kid, you really shouldn't underestimate Lucille like that."

"I suppose that is logical, in the least."

"I can also time travel but that's unique to me."

"Impossible."

"Totally possible."

"No."

"Yes. I can travel time. I'm also a professor of human studies in the year 2040 on earth, but that's a different matter entirely."

"The why do you bugger Sebastian?"

"I am a cat, not a demon. I may have these special abilities and I may be smart but I am still a cat and I still wish for a happy life where I am able to receive food, belly scratches and affection at the very call of my meow. I could go off and adventure like Smokey, but I'm more of a house cat on the inside. All I want is a nice home where I'm loved." Jeff explained. Ciel picked him up and squeezed him tight, Jeff allowed himself to be picked up and purred, eventually migrating to Ciel's shoulder.

"Pick up Sebastian's cell phone." Jeff said. Ciel obeyed and opened the phone.

"Now dial the following number: Five-Eight-Nine-Seven" Ciel tapped the numbers, each numer let out a small clicking sound from the buttons. "Two-Eight-Four-One-Five-Eight-One-Five-Two-Zero" Ciel scrambled to complete the number as dialed but he heard the ring tone.

"PARTY AT SEBASTIAN'S HOUSE. NO HUMANS ALLOWED. JEFF SENT YOU ALL." Jeff yowled into the phone. Ciel hit the end button.

"Nobody is going to show up for this. You never mentioned a time nor did you really specify the location."

"Oh, child-demon of little faith, you shall see, you shall see."

Sebastian peered down from the upstairs. "Did someone say party?"

"Hell yeah!" Jeff shouted up.

"William is going to hate us." Sebastian said between chuckles as he carried the large black sofa into the upstairs. Ciel watched as Jeff continued to sleep on the furniture as Sebastian moved it. He was practically beaming, it had been a long, long time since Sebastian last threw a party. Had it been a thousand or two years that peeled by before Sebastian finally got off his ass and threw another big bash?

"What are you two doing down here?" Vincent asked.

"We're throwing a party. No humans allowed, sorry. You might want to leave because demons are going start pouring in thirty seconds ago."

"Have fun. And Ciel?"

"Yes father?" Ciel asked.

"No drinking and having unprotected sex with strippers, okay?" Vincent asked.

"I wouldn't do those things." Ciel told his father, which may or may not have been true. He actually used to enjoy a bottle or two of wine but drinking became pointless once it stopped getting him intoxicated.

"The watchdog may be retired, but he never stopped watching." he reminded his son before leaving the house with a suggestive wink and nod towards Sebastian.

At the very second the door closed, the back of Ciel's hand hit Sebastian upside the head. Jeff, being a semi-permanent resident of Sebastian's shoulder let out a hiss.

"Hey! Wait until I move before you slap him silly." Jeff leaped onto Ciel's shoulder. "Now you may slap him." Ciel slapped Sebastian again. Sebastian could feel definite difference in his slapping technique since he had changed species.

"Your father slapped me in the face too." he remarked, leaving Ciel standing there dumb founded.

"You so set him up for that." Jeff said before once again taking residence on Sebastian's shoulder.

Sebastian had finished clearing out the living room and removing the more expensive appliances from the kitchen. Where the kitchen table was stood a large tower of modular synths and a small compact lap top computer. The equipment was sparse, certainly not studio quality, but that was fine. The music only really served as background noise for the amount of hell that would rain down on the small condo building he shared with William T. Spears.


	16. undead caviar

_congrats to my 100th review winner, DualIdentity! Please personal message/email me to claim your prize! Your prize of course being a free art+fic request. Claim itttt._

_Elheim- I'm glad you like my playlist! This chapter does contain your request for Jeff's blog entries... I loved riting them so much taht I think I might do more of them. Thanyou so much for tossing that idea my way! 3_

_Nyccha- Hmm... Melissa's death? I have n idea how she is going to die... I am contemplating having people submit ideas an then drawing the winning idea out of a hat. She will die but plot-wise it won't matter HOW she dies. Just that she does. Because I made her just to be hated!_

_princessciel- You should one day experience the paw of softness. Most cats have wonderfully soft paw pads, but it seems like cats who still have their claws have the softest toes... go figure._

_In regards to cosplay I WILL be doing a Superhell! themed costume and I will totally be wearing it to Animenext this year in June... and I will bring my Jeff plush with me. I also feel very flattered that you all think I'm pretty. Most people on the internet think I'm male..._

_Also in regards to Vincent/Sebastian... even as a lesbian I still think thats pretty hot. Visually, anyways. Men+suits=awesome. It is mathematical fact._

As time went on, there was a strange calmness, and then the first to arrive was Lucy, dressed in your typical modern-day club gear in various shade of shiny skin-tight red PVC. She was accompanied by two cats, who Ciel assumed were Jeff's siblings. One of the cats was a deep grey colored foldy with bright orange eyes and the other was a mostly white cat with grey splotches an straight ears who wore a gold party crown with one of corners bent.

"Partaay!" said the grey and white cat.

"Get on in here, Party Cat." Jeff said, party cat

"Hey Jeff." said the gray cat trotting right on in.

"Hey Smokes." Jeff said.

"Aren't they just precious? The best two hundred years I ever spent on a science project." Lucy commented, wiping a little ear or the corner of her eye before it made her mascara bleed.

As Jeff looks outward, he could see the looming aura of blackness coming head like a storm. A storm ready to wreck havoc and destroy anything in it's path. Clearly, Party cat had spread the word. He had this feeling that he should move the party gate to farther out on the street.

"Sebastian!" he called out but Sebastian was far ahead of him, creating roadblocks on one side and setting up an admission's booth on the other. It was a crowd to remember. Ciel had never seen anything like it.

"Hello again." Hannah greeted Jeff who playing role of bouncer with a scratch under his chin. She was dressed quite similar to Lady Gaga, complete with massive sunglasses.

"Hey Lady, come on in." Jeff told her, quite won over from all the chin scratchies.

"Hey Ciel. Guess whoo~" chanted a voice rom behind him as they covered his eyes.

"Alois. Knock it off, how did you even get in here?"

"Nooo." the voice said again.

"Well if I don't know who you are then get off of me!" he shouted and the hands let go of him. Ciel turne around and behind him stood a tall woman with flowing forest green hair and freakishly glowing yellow eyes. If he knew her- he most certaintly would've remember.

"You don't notice me at all?" she asked, putting a hand on her hip.

"Not a single bit, I'm afraid." Ciel said, instantly drawn in by her appearance. At first it seemed frightening but now it seemed alluring, as if just looking at him was enough to put him under some kind of spell that a lady demon would put on man demon.

"Daddy! Ciel isn't greeting me properly! Come down here and do something about it."

"What is it Isabella?" Sebastian asked.

"Daddy?" Ciel asked.

"Yes that is my daughter. Certainly you could see the resemblance?"

"I see nothing." Ciel confessed. "What physical appearance do the two of you have in common?"

"We both have a nine inch dick." Isabella said. Ciel's eye widened. There was always a catch to those pretty and friendly girls. They were either insane, had a cock bigger than his, or both.

"Must you say such things in front of my employer?" Sebastian asked.

"Yes." Isabella told him. "He's the sexually repressed and confused one, right?"

"What did you call me, now?" Ciel asked.

"I have to go DJ." Sebastian excused himself and returned to his post with the towers of modular synths and left Ciel and Isabella facing each other.

"If you were older looking, I'd fuck you into the next century. Sadly you are but a little squishy thing and hold no attractive qualities to me. What a pity, Daddy said you were bad in bed, too." she told him and skipped off merrily into the crowd.

The crowd had grown unexpectedly large within minutes. Before there was room to stand converse and now the room as more like a cage full to the brim of dancing bodies slamming against each other simply from a lack of space. He could barely see out the window but he could see the crowd had left the house and most likely gone all the way down the street. Ciel supposed that if he were going to attend a party in hell, he might as well attend the party that completely shut down a small section of it.

"How nice to see you again, or is it?" Claude stood behind Sebastian and broke his concentration by rubbing his shoulders in a way most people would find creepy. Sebastian just found it irritating.

"What are you doing here, Faustus?" he asked.

"Same old thing, I suppose. Life is great."

"Oh, is it now? How does it feel knowing that you can never flock to earth again after I killed you?"

"Wonderful." Claude said. "I've upgraded to a better house, I have a good business set up online and I have someone who I love and loves me back. Who do you have that loves you? Oh that's right! Nobody loves you."

Claude laughed in his face. Sebastian just glared at him, that smug cock sucker. To say that demons as hole lacked the emotional stability to form relationships was a lie. Many demons were married and had been for thousands even hundreds of thousands of years with no issue. It was not uncommon to see couple on the street. Granted, demons had notoriously ill functioning reproductive organs but even Sebastian had fathered a child. A child to a woman who had forced him to impregnate her, and their relationship had no love in it, but he still had a child who in many ways, was out of her mind.

There was point in time where Sebastian felt like Ciel was about as close to a son of his own as a human child to could be to a demon, but when Ciel enslave him for eternity, that kind of killed it. Sure Sebastian possessed several lovers, but none of them meant a goddamn thing to him, an he meant an equally small thing to them. He was surrounded by hundreds of others at his point in time but he had felt incomprehensibly alone. Even a sick pedophile like Claude had someone to love him, couldn't Sebastian do better than that? Not even a tiny bit better?

William was livid by all definitions of the word. Sebastian had not broken a single rule, not even noise level violations but mark his words- William would find a way to raise literal hell over this at the next committee meeting. He would rain down the undeniable pain and fines like the angry god thor shot down lightning bolts.

"Oh, it's a shame humans aren't allowed at Sebby's. Loony, you'd love it." Grell said. Her upper torso was coated with various spatters of blood that weren't her own. Demons while horrible thieves, really new how to party.

"Sure looks like it." Melissa sighed, staring out at the party. They were even on the roof. The sweet sound of techno eats and screaming could be heard from miles away. She was so close to touching him and yet she could not for she would be stopped at the door. The only thing Melissa could hope for was that the party would be over and she could enjoy a nice afternoon stalking Sebastian and maybe getting into his house and sleeping in his bed if Grell didn't get there first.

"Don't be so down, hun. We'll get him eventually." Grell patted her on the shoulder. At first she was ust some stupid pawn but she wasn't so terribly bad. Hopelessly insane maybe, but she wasn't completely bad. Underneath the rudeness, stalking, questionable literature, and weird fetishes- she wasn't that bad of a person. Grell was still using her to get closer to Sebastian before she had to go back to work, though.

"THAT IS IT." William shouted out the window. "I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS, MICHAELIS!" both Grell and Melissa looked at him with an expression of deep concern.

"Are you okay Bun Bun? Maybe you should take a nap and relax before you kill somebody."

"Why should I take a nap when I'm about to kill some one? Surely the napping time could go directly towards time spent killing him." William reasoned with her. Grell knew all the signs of a psychotic break down, being prone to them herself.

"William, you're not thinking clearly."

"I'm thinking more clear than I ever have before!" William took Grell's death scythe out of the closet and revved it up. It was heavy and impractical but fuck, it would be an amazing thing to kill Sebastian with.

"You may think that but you're not!" Grell blocked the door way. "Sit down and enjoy a nice smoke and maybe a nap before you kill him. He isn't going anywhere and it'll give you more time to think about ways to make it more extravagant, right?" he reasoned with him, using serial killer logic.

"You are right Grell. I should not doubt a famous killer about her methods should I?" William reasoned and Grell took her chainsaw from him, lest he hurt himself with it. She could've done him right then and there with that sexy crazed look on his face but sadly, she wasn't even close to being fully healed. Not having sex was starting to take it's toll on Grell's boredom. It was a shame William forbade her to ever give him a blow job, because she could've settled for that. She did take a good deal of pride in the fact that he said that she was right! She was right! What a marvelous thing of him to say!

"Bring it, Spears." Sebastian muttered underneath his breath.

**Excerpts From Hell 2- On Political and Social Commentary.**

I didn't think this part was large enough nor interesting enough (for most people anyways) to warrents it's own chapter. So it's at the end of Chapter 16. Feel free to skip it.

As far as social commentary goes, the fact that I based hell off of your typical upper middle class white american neighbor hood should be the number one indicator of my appreciation of satire. Because of the setting and presence of sick humor and hidden satire, Superhell! Is the closest thing to my novels. I doubt that anyone is reading this story for the hidden satirical concepts but I'm writing it for them.

Lucy/Lucille/Lucifer represents how a technologically advanced society starts out. She wanted nothing more than for demons and demigods to have a place where they could be safe. Then she wanted it to be a place where they could be comfortable. These were all goods intentions. Technology flourished but once that technology could go no further, everyone was content with what they had. Schools were made useless, going outside was made useless, souls could easily be harvested and purchase from the reaper's organization.

There is little to no needs for demon to ever go on earth unless they're looking for gourmet deliciousness you couldn't find in hell. Because hell has everything, demons have become lazy, boring vacuous creatures who lead boring, dull and pointless lives. Much like your average everyday American. There's no need to change anything because every thing is perfect except for the sole fact that it's boring them all to a slow, painful and irritating death.

The fact I made hell like this to fit in with Black Butler's canon that demons at their very core, are all bored to death. Sebastian spent years cultivating Ciel's soul simply because yes, he was that bored. Also hungry but boredom is the often the leader to innovation. I also made hell like that because demons have high standards, and high standards mean hell is going to look nice. After all, there is no better meaning of Hell quite like having a star bucks on every street corner. The endless monotony and boredom is really what the pure meaning of suffering is. There's nothing to complain about, nothing you can do but fuck, you suffer any ways. Now that's brutal.

Melissa is a very, very special piece of satire. Where the setting of Hell is a parody of American culture, Melissa is a parody of the Kuroshitsuji fandom. Melissa was named and formulated by my best friend Hexenhaus and I together. She is the baby of our snark, our maliciousness and my own personal prejudice against crazy Sebastian/Ciel shippers. Also if you're wondering why I picked the name Melissa Rosewell, I picked a really common female name. The very essence of Melissa's parody is a secret between Hexenhaus and I but we offer up a reward to anyone who can correctly place the origin of her parody.

Jeff isn't just comic relief. He's actually pretty important to the story and it's not just because I have this sinking feeling a lot of people who read this story are reading for Jeff. In a fandom where original characters are loathed- I am so happy that I'm not the only one who adores Jeff. Jeff is pretty important because even though he has an IQ higher than a lot of humans, he's still a cat deep down inside and loves getting his tummy rubbed and his head scratched.

I also feel like he and Ciel really relate on the fact that they both forced to be something they weren't by their situation. Ciel was forced to become a man instead of a child because his parents were killed, Jeff was considered 'unlovable' as a pet because not only could he talk, he is also smarter than most demons and nobody wants a pet smarter than they are. So Ciel became a horrible shell of a man, and Jeff worked as Lucy's advisor before William did. Neither of them really wanted to and they're both far happier now that they have the freedom to do what they really want.

**Excerpts From Hell 3- Jeff's Blog Entries**

_XXXX_

Today I found out what kind of dumb bitch Ciel really is. Apparently he ending up havin' sex with this guy and he didn't even no until months after it happened! How do you not know? Does his ass just mysteriously hurt every morning for no reason? Sometimes I feel bad for this kid being some rape magnet and then other times I don't because he shoulda' known by now that he's prone to molestation and should go and do shit to prevent it from happening. But no, little mister can't do shit on his own. If he were not a demon I would suggest that he is completely unable to wipe his own ass. He still has Sebastian dress him up every afternoon because he's too high and mighty to zipper up his shorts.

I'd also feel bad for Sebastian, but he's a chump.

_XXXX_

Today I ate a spider that was in the living room, it tasted faintly demonic and I'm not sure why but that just made it even better. Then ate another that was in Vincent an Rachel's backyard that had an egg sack. That was horrible. They were all squirming in my mouth like some kind of undead caviar. Never again.

_XXXX_

Lost forty five bucks in a bet with Smokey. Bastard. I also smelled the most foul smelling member of the human race and I now have decided that I should petition to have legislation that odors be measured and that if someone smells badly over a certain odor level than they be murdered. Or fined. But public executions would greatly increase revenue and be a pretty popular thing. I'm sure most of the older demons and human can reminisce over the good old days of public execution for petty crimes.


	17. the unholy crotch taco

_This chapter **does** contain sexually explicit content. So please advert thine eyes if that is offensive to you. _

_For everyone who asked about Isabella's mother and other such questions, I'll get to it eventually. It would be like going back in time and screaming snape kills dumbledore on national television. _

Ciel woke up in a haze of forest green hair being lung every which way and he knew it wasn't his hair. Then he had to process in his mind as to whose hair it was an then he remembered something about Sebastian having a daughter who had a penis and…. Oh fuck it.

"Hey there sleepy head." Isabella greeted him. "I can tell by the look on your face that you think I sodomized you while you were all vulnerable and tripping. I just needed to crash somewhere and you didn't take up much room on the bed."

"Vulner what now?" Ciel asked groggy and unable to speak properly.

"Got the downers, eh?" Isabella asked, ruffling up Ciel's hair.

"Hrph." Ciel muttered and vainly swayed his arms to attempt to stop her.

Isabella carried Ciel into the kitchen princess style and sat his down at the table. Sebastian was cleaning the last of the blood off the walls and Jeff was swatting at a drove of spiders that Sebastian assumed probably came from Claude as some kind of prank. How lovely it was to own a cat!

"You were the life of the party last night. All jacked up on acid and such." Jeff said. Ciel was nearly comatose but Isabella managed to pry open his aw and force him to swallow a bitter bright liquid.

"What the fuck?" Ciel coughed out but he had to admit he felt rejuvenated.

"Maybe I should explain my lord. I had let Jeff take over DJing and I managed to score some drugs off of Beelzebub. The drug is known as lysergic acid and are made in blotter sheets with perforated tabs. I told you to take one tab but you ate the entire sheet. Then you proceeded to take your shirt off, climb onto the roof and proclaim that you were a god and that could smite everyone just by pointing your penis at them. You also belied that Jeff was a mighty chaser of spirits and tried to throw him off the roof. Luckily I caught him."

"Damn you right you're lucky. I would've scratched your face into eternity if you dropped me."

"Either way, everyone spent a few hours recording your wild hallucinations and you settled in to have a tea party with Jeff's espresso machine. After your tea party you passed out, fell off the roof and Isabella carried you upstairs to make sure you didn't make even more of an idiot of yourself. Honestly, as if you didn't already have enough of a problem of elicit images of you being posted on the internet and now you go and pull a stunt like this. Honestly, my lord, have you no shame?"

"Maybe you should not have offered me drugs."

"I offered you one tab of acid, not the entire blotter sheet."

"How was I supposed to know?" Ciel asked.

"You were supposed to know when I warned to only take ONE."

"I gotta' agree with him. You should listen to him more often, he kind of knows more than you do about pretty much everything. I think the only thing you more than Sebastian about is how to act like a privileged whiny bitch." Jeff said. Isabella silently nodded in agreement.

"You can't just fuck up and blame him for your mistakes. He gets enough of that from me." Isabella explained. She left the house and probably wouldn't be seen in Hell again until she needed money or was looking for someone to ask favors from.

"Man, you're beta as fuck. Kick his ass." Jeff suggested.

"Contract." Sebastian held up his hand.

"Sucks."

"That's an understatement for all eternity"

Sebastian glanced at the now permanent tattoo on the back of his hand. How long had he planned on having it there? Three years? Maybe a decade at the most. Not forever. Forever was too much forever. He could look back on the already expansive fourteen thousand years of his life and they seemed like nothing compared to forever. He couldn't imagine what that was going to be like and he couldn't, not even now think of what might happen to himself between now and the rest of time.

One day in the distant future he might be back on earth with his master and thy might be in some city in the desert. And y then the humans might be caught up with the demons technologically, and what if they figured out how to kill them an what if Sebastian found himself on some operating table of a mad scientist while Ciel stood back and did nothing to help him. What then? Would he just die because of his incompetent and childish master or would Ciel actually mature one of these days.

"I am bored." Ciel complained.

"Welcome to Hell. Boredom is what we do best." Jeff said.

"Maybe we should kill Melissa today." Sebastian suggested.

"I'll ask my father." Ciel said. He picked up the phone and sent his father a text, and it was on. Today they were finally going to kill Melissa Rosewell.

The first part of the plan was to disguise Vincent as Sebastian, which was harder said then done. Sebastian for whatever reason, did produce a box of black hair dye to stain Vincent's hair with. After that it was a simple all over boy paint to give Vincent that undead pallor along with a healthy dose of black eye shadow, glitter and false eyelashes.

"I can't even tell you two apart." Ciel said. "Even the iris coverings are realistic."

"They are called contact lens, my lord." Sebastian reminded him. Vincent looked at himself in the mirror.

"I absolutely must find more pants like these. I dare say they make me look ten pounds lighter!" he was almost too happy and far too similar to Sebastian. Melissa was going to fall right into this trap.

"I will use telepathy to speak with you. I have arranged to meet her in what used to be my basement to 'talk over our relationship'. Tread with caution." Sebastian flicked a lock of Vincent's hair backwards. Now he was perfect.

Vincent slipped inside of the basement and found her waiting for him there. She was wearing what could only be considered some cheap bra that could barely support her saggy and lop-side breasts. The low lighting of the room made the days old sweat glisten off her body and Vincent could just smell the nerd-funk from yards away. She tried to make bedroom eyes at him with her bulbous eyes. Vincent choked down his vomit in an attempt to not break his demonic visage.

"Oh Sebastian…" she drawled out, batting her lashes at him in some pathetic attempt to look appealing. Vincent was no heterosexual but he knew there was no man nor women in hell that could even begin to find this wretched girl attractive.

She wrapped her arms around his waist, her skin felt slightly sticky next to his exposed torso and he got a big inhale of her scent. This is for Ciel, this is for Ciel, this is for Ciel. He chanted this mantra to himself. He would do this for his son, and he would also do it for the betterment of literature. He would do it to make sure nobody else ever had to be touched or molested or stalked by this crazy bitch.

"Sebastiiiiann….. You're not acting like you're into this. C'mon. Fuck me." Vincent's eyes widened. No. Please oh please oh please not this. He'd take a bullet for Ciel, but this was going too far.

_'I can't do this….' he pleaded with Sebastian._

_'Do it, well, her… but honestly…oh you'll see.'_

Vincent sucked it up. He let Melissa undress and pull down his pants. He avoided any all eye contact and just closed his eyes pretending he was somewhere else. Somewhere nice and sunny, someplace here he could actually protect his family this time. Somewhere where her chubby dry hands weren't pathetically trying to jerk him off with this cramping motion that felt more like she was actively trying to rip his cock off. Vincent groaned which caused her to shiver and make these weird squealing moaning sounds.

"OH SEBASTIAN!" she cried out as she somehow forced Vincent's flaccid penis inside of her cavernous hairy orifice. All the while Vincent somehow pleading she'd get bored of this and stop. Yet she forced herself up and down on him as if he were some kind of pillow. He was nearly certain the creaking sound was not the sound of William opening the door… but the sound of her breaking his hips as she rode him like some kind of abuse-craving pony.

"MICHAELIS." William revved up the chainsaw. Melissa paid no mind to William's homicidal urges but still continued to grin into Vincent's surely-bruised-by-now flesh.

"That's not Sebastian!" Jeff shouted out, leaping on William's face and causing him to drop the chain saw.

Melissa stopped and looked down. Some of the body paint was rubbing off and she could clearly see the human colored flesh below. She however, didn't care. He looked enough like Sebastian to bring her to a shrieking, splattering orgasm. The orgasm however, was concluded with a round of bullets implanted deep within her temple by Ciel's now improved marksmanship. At least she died happy.

William looked at Vincent, who was curled up in a ball of terror and shocked and violation. Then his gaze turned to Melissa's dead body. Of course you couldn't ever really die in hell. However every time you got killed in hell you would begin the sorting process anew and that could take anywhere from fifty to a thousand years depending how backed up it was. Theoretically, there as no killing Melissa's immortal soul but it was able to get rid of her for a short while. Then he looked at Ciel, clearly guilty of murder though murder for a presumably good reason, for homicide was a rare occurrence in hell.

"She raped my father." Ciel explained. Okay, that was lie since both Ciel an Sebastian had conned Vincent into pretending to be Sebastian in order to kill for revenge for her writing horrible fan fiction about them; but hell, Vincent looked traumatized enough.

"Bury her in your backyard before I change my mind about not arresting you- and stay the fuck out of my basement." William gathered Grell's chainsaw and lugged himself upstairs to resume his hangover.

Ciel dragged her body upstairs while Sebastian prepared a grave for her in the backyard. He had subconsciously decided on perhaps putting a koi pond over her body. Vincent gave himself a boiling shower and scrubbed himself pink just to remove the godawful fish smell of that girl off him.

"Ciel." Vincent said. Ciel sat on the couch with Jeff purring in his lap.

"Yes father?"

"I love you very much but let me say this- I will never do that again for you. Next time you will be a man and fix it yourself understand?" he asked. Ciel was old enough anyways. He didn't need his human father covering for his ass all the time anymore.

"Understood."

"Excellent. Now if you don't mind I will be crying in my study for the next few days." Vincent took his clothes and left without bothering to put them back on again.

"What do we do now, Sebastian?" Ciel asked.

"I have no idea. Killing Melissa was going to be our entertainment for the next century." Sebastian mused, bored out of his skull. Sure she was a plague but at least she provided a daily bout of something he could get together with Ciel and focus their collective hate on.

"Maybe we should start a band." Ciel threw the suggestion out there vainly, as if he were making a oke yet he took the joe part back. Maybe they could make a band.


	18. I am your tongue, this is what you say

_Strange as it sounds, I actually look up everyone who reviews/likes/subscribes to the stories I post and rummage around through their other favorites/subscriptions. I like knowing what kind of demographic I appeal to since I write fan fiction that sorta' ignores genre. The thing I've found as trend is that most of the people who read Superhell! don't actively read a lot ofother Kuroshitsuji fics. Most of the people actually seem to be much more active in other fandoms and somehow found this story and even though it's Kuro, they like it anyways. I could go into detail as to why that majority of my fanfiction for Kuro doesn't appeal to other Kuro fans, but let's not get into that drama. _

_I'm thinking of doing a reading of Superhell! and recording it… please tell me whether or not that would be an awesome/awful idea and be honest about it. :P I'm on the fence about it. _

"I can't believe you two assholes are actually making a band." Jeff said, sitting on Sebastian's shoulder and swatting at the pages of the synth manual as Sebastian flipped through them.

"I play violin." Ciel said.

"Oh great, violin! In a band? Get serious kid." Jeff told him. "Do vocals or something. But don't do violin, violin sucks and you suck for you not thinking it sucks."

"Hmm, I have not composed a song in such a long time." Sebastian mused.

"How about a song about vanquishing our enemies?" Ciel asked.

"No, that is so last millenia. We need something more cutting edge."

"I have an idea. I will write the lyrics and you can focus on the musical aspect. We'll both do our parts for the next six hours and see what we can come up with." Ciel suggested.

"Excellent idea, my lord."

The next six hours went by quickly. Sebastian had already began mapping out an writing down an exact formulaic compilation. His idea for a good piece of music was something fast paced and old leave whomever listened to it with a deep sense of fear and amazement. Ciel had a different approach. After perusing on the beach by the weak acid shore line he came up with some words in his head then proceed to calmly drink tea and write quietly by himself.

Next door, things weren't quite so serene. After her lackey had been shot in the face, Grell was bored. William worked a considerable amount less (a seven hours work day five days a week instead of a twelve hour work day with two days off a month) but even still Grell was indescribably lonely when he was away. She had nobody to shop with, nobody to harass Sebastian with, and nobody to convince that life wasn't all about sex with. Things were horribly lonely without the disgusting girl.

Grell was adjusting well to not being a complete slut. Every now and then she looked at herself and pondered how awesome it would finally be to have sex like a straight couple with William. Of course Grell ha never been one to label herself something like 'heterosexual' but her tastes leaned heavily towards men. Before she might have make a white lie about not being a transwoman just to get a man now-and-then. Now that she had a vagina all of her own, she'd never have to lie again! She couldn't even masturbate, but the fact that she could look at herself in the nude in broad day light, well, that was something special. Grell was hoping that one of these days, she and William would go to a nude beach together so she could show it off in public. Walking around nude in hell wasn't the same since demons really didn't have any problem with public nudity the way reapers did.

Medical leave was an utter bore. She wasn't being paid a single cent or given any form of compensation and there was a possibility that no that she was biologically female, her superiors would make her take a desk job. Yes, desk jobs were a hallmark of what was considered 'feminine' to the reapers but traditional gender roles be damned, Grell was a cold-blooded murderer. Taking away her death scythe and replacing it with a verification stamp would be like making her never wear the color red again. Unacceptable.

The only thing that could possibly save her from such a fate was her track record. She might have been complete screw up, she might have been a serial killer, and she have a sexual harassment suit file against her a mile long; but even still, she was the strongest reaper. Most reapers could possibly team up to kill a single demon an I one was particularly lucky, a single reaper could do it with a death scythe. Grell could kill a demon alone. With her bare hands. After the particular incident, they sent Grell along with William on the kind of missions where killing demons was involved. William wasn't nearly as strong as Grell but he had intense knowledge of demonology, which made them a team that nobody wanted to fuck with. Which was exactly how they ended up in Hell.

Grell had a plan, though. There was thing any reaper (or any human, actually) could get provided they had permission from Satan or his assistant. However, Satan didn't just go around give these things out. Transporting anyone or anything to Hell without having them die first was more than extremely expensive to do. Though Satan liked Grell. They had many things in common and if Lucille wasn't a workaholic they'd probably be better friends. This was course, a pass to get into hell without needing to be killed first.

Ronald had not expected Hell to be like this. Actually, when he got a phone call from Grell explaining both her and William had been sent to hell, he thought that they were dead or punished or both. Yet when he got there he realized that maybe he just should've let them send him to hell instead of taking up the whole grim reaper deal.

"Ronnie!" Grell always attacked from behind, giving him a hug that nearly choked him. Ronal felt something big and squishy against his back.

"Whoa Grell." he took a good look at her. "You have boobs."

"Wanna' touch them?"

"Can I?"

"Yeah. I've been telling everyone to touch them."

"They're awesome." Ronald sheepishly reached forwards and squeezed her tit. It felt just the same as any other, though he had to make a mental note that Grell could've use a more supportive bra for her size.

"Yeah, they're not made from silicon, either. They're actually made from spare fat they siphoned out of my thighs and abs. Now I have nice tits, thin legs and flat abs. Lucille is the best."

"That's gross."

"So is having thunder thighs, flabby abs, and a flat chest." Grell pointed out to him.

"Yeah you're right. Hey, do they have coffee shops down here?"

"On every corner."

"Awesome."

Ronald was also surprised by William's condo. He had not thought that moving to hell would mean that one would get to live in a nice condominium less than a mile away from the beach. Next door he thought he had heard the voice of some one familiar, he wasn't sure who, but oh what ever. It probably wasn't anything. The inside of William's house was the same as it always had been, except far less dreary. The open windows made it seem almost friendly. William was reading a book on the back porch with a glass of whiskey.

"Hey William." Ronald greeted him and William looked at him for a second before returning to his book.

"Will, don't be a prick and say hello to Ronald." Grell stamped her foot down.

"Hello to Ronald." William said.

"You stubborn bastard." Grell knocked over his glass, sending it smashing against the patio.

A small child, boy with dirty blonde hair came running out and cleaned up the mess in just under thirty seconds before bowing and running back into the house. Grell noticed that he wasn't dresse very conservatively and looked like a human.

"What the fuck was that?"

"I bought a house slave to clean up after you. Ever since Melissa got shot nobody has been cleaning and I'm too busy to do it. So I bought someone to clean."

"That's a sex slave." Grell said. As far as things William has done to piss her off, this was up on top ten list right to next to giving her a hair cut.

"Wait- they have sex slaves here?" Ronald asked, sounding strangely cheerful.

"Of course they do. It's hell." William said.

"William! Why the fuck did you buy a whore?" Grell grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

"He's not a whore. He cleans the house for free. That is not the function of a whore. I already have a whore, to begin with, why buy one?"

"Who is that whore, I'll kill her!" she shook him back and forth. Ronald retreated indoor to maybe watch some television. This might get ugly and he didn't want to get near it.

"The whore is you. Now let go of me, you'll wrinkle my collar." Grell let go of William and slapped him across the face hard enough to leave a burning red mark.

"Are you-" Ronald tried to ask.

"SHUT UP." she yelled at him and Ronald shut up. Immediately. He whimpered and sat on the couch watching television without uttering a single word. He continued to watch her stomp around the house in her big platform heels, and scream at William who had closed the glass door and probably couldn't even hear her.

"You!" she shouted at the kid, who wasn't doing anything but washing the windows outside.

"Yes miss?" he spoke to the ground and not at her, never making direct eye contact or stopping his chores. Grell raised an eyebrow at this kid, was he really that afraid of everyone?

"So you clean?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Keep it that way. Or I'll send you back to whatever rape dungeon my boyfriend bought you from. Under stand that?" she asked and he nodded his obediently.

"Good kid." she patted him on the head before going back inside to gossip with Ronald.

Jeff had it up his tiny folded ears with their noise. Sebastian and Ciel had been practicing for eighty hours straight and they sucked. Ciel's lyrics were nothing more than self-congratulating mopey shit and Sebastian didn't do anything but hit random buttons on his synthesizer and head bang. Together they combined into the worst boy band of all time. And Jeff, having seen all of time, knew that was pretty bad.

"Okay. The two of you take a fucking break and sit your asses down on that couch." Jeff said. They ignored him and continue their merry music making way.

"NOW." Jeff shouted, tugging the amplifier's power cord out of the wall with his teeth. Sebastian an Ciel sat on the couch, with Jeff in front of them.

"Okay. What the fuck do you two think you're doing? Ciel- you can't write worth a damn. Sebastian- your synthesizer work needs serious work. You have no form and the beat sounds neither catchy or good. Now, what are you two actually capable of doing?"

"I can play-" Ciel started but Jeff howled.

"No. Fuck the violin."

"But I like the violin."

"Nobody cares what you like. You're the musician."

"And who do you think you are telling us what to do like that?" Sebastian asked Jeff.

"I'm your manager." Jeff hopped on Sebastian's synthesizer, ready to whip the pathetic into shape.

_**Nyccha-** Well, Isabella has both sets of genitalia. In the bible, it says that demons are technically hermaphrodites. I consider the bible 100% fiction and it has zero bearing on Kuroshitsuji's canon because the author is japanese, it doesn't matter. but because Isabella is my own creation I felt free to make her a hermaphrodite. Add something interesting/memorable about her since she probably won't show up again. Melissa died a quick death because it was Ciel who killed her. He jut wanted it over with so a round of bullets to the head seemed like that would do it. About the serious thing- I am a serious person. I just write silly things._

_**Bloo-** Because he and Rachel wanted to have a child to raise of their own so they both took a hit for the greater good of making Ciel._


	19. ghost writer

_**My first fic for the review challenge is called "We Wear Pink On Wednesdays".** I hope to write many more request fics in the future, they've all turned out incredibly fun..._

_Pink chayito- Thank you so much for your comments. Despite my horrible knowledge of Spanish I found it to be kind of you to say. Also Ugly Americans is probably one of my favorite shows EVER. 3_

_Elheim- Maybe. I am entirely unsure if fat siphoned out of the human boy can be use for breast implants. I have heard it being done for lip injections so maybe. I am not a real doctor, I only pretend to be one over the internet._

_The thing about Ciel and Sebastian I that it's been confirmed that both of them can play the violin semi-decently, I surely doubt either of them have the musical background to make a decent band. Besides, if they were any good at making music, I would have nothing to mock with it._

_I apologize for the shortness of this chapter and my lack of thoughtful responses. I tripped and broke my thumb so writing on a keyboard is not something I'm doing with great success_.

…Sebastian was once again, in his female form. Long black tresses flowed down to the small of his back, the large globes of his breasts were illuminated by the glow of the stars. Ciel bent down to lay a kiss upon her lips, a symphony of saliva blistered and mixed in their mouths. A single tear of crystalline saliva poured from the corner of Ciel's mouth and fell into Sebastian where it fizzled. Sebastian hooked his legs around Ciel's waist in a grinding motion. The air was reeking with the saccharine and ethereal scent of violets and lilacs and sweets and mystery. And low how Ciel moaned under the many star moons raised above their heads. A cacophony cornucopia of blasting white hot love and grace filled their innards with unseeming white glow.

Her love mound was cavernous and moist. Ciel plundered the inside of it as if he were some magical floating pirate the seven seas. Sea man flying over both port and starburt, parading and celebrating the ship as they scalded underneath the light of the moon. Their pupils waxed and waned like crescent moons over the open undulating waves of the ocean beneath them. The sounds depths of the ocean like creaming Cthulhu blackness of lust.

-Virgin of the Luna

"Who wrote this?" Ciel asked, staring at the television screen, looking pissed as hell. Just where of where were all these moronic fan girls coming from? Weren't they liked vampires? If you killed the head honcho wouldn't all of them die off soon after?

"I have no idea who could have written that. Melissa is underneath the koi pond." Sebastian said, looking on in horror in the fact that there was now two, or maybe even more of them. People who wrote erotica involving him, of course. Some people spent their time in hell being punished if they actually did something horribly wrong, some people just live on like it's their normal lives, and some people wrote bad erotica about a demon who was popular on the internet.

"I wrote that. Gotta' keep the dream alive." Jeff said.

"I figured it was by someone who knew just as little as Melissa about sex."

"Didn't_ you_ have sex with her?" Jeff asked. He prodded Sebastian's shoulder with his paw.

"What we had didn't count as sex." Sebastian said.

"Yeah it did. You're just embarrassed for dippin' down into that fatty poon. I gotta' ask: how long did you smell like fish taco after she nailed you?"

"Shut up Jeff." Sebastian booped his nose and Jeff wiped his nose with his paw.

Jeff was in the kitchen and sadly, Sebastian had not left the refrigerator door open, so he was naturally at a loss for things to do. Ciel was not home, for he had to be somewhere alone in order to concentrate on his musical ventures. The stainless steel exterior was just sitting there- laughing at him. That fucking goddamn cat-proof seal of tight that only a larger sized creation could open.

"SEBASTIIIIIIIIAN" Jeff howled in the kitchen and Sebastian did not come running for him.

"SEBASTIIIIIIAAAAANNNN" he howled again at the foot of the stairs. There was no reply, no sign of life upstairs even though he had recently seen Sebastian go up there. He had better be practicing music for their gig next week, or Jeff was going to claw his face off.

"SANDWIIIIICCCCCCH." was the call of the day as Jeff moved up two stairs with no reply.

"MAKE ME A SANDWIIIIICH." and he was at the top of the stairs, starting to become infuriated.

"SO HELP ME I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU OWN WITH MY PISS." Jeff hollered.

Sebastian's bedroom door was closed but not locked. Jeff walked right on in, not caring what Sebastian was doing. He was a cat, after all. His needs came first.

"Jeff get out of my bedroom." Sebastian told him.

"Make me a sandwich." Jeff said. He would not leave until his got his coveted sandwich.

"I'll do it later, I'm busy."

"SANDWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCH" Jeff howled in his ear.

"Shut up Jeff" Vincent flicked his forehead.

"I am not leaving until one of you makes me a sandwich." the Scottish insisted, jumping onto Vincent's shoulder as he was (attempting to) nail Sebastian.

"We are trying to fuck now get out." Vincent told them, ready to smack him off. That cat had ruined his perfectly good romp 'round the bedroom with his son's servant.

"I'll make him the sandwich." Vincent said, reluctantly pulling out, discarding the condom and throwing on Sebastian's bathrobe.

Jeff followed behind him as he went downstairs and made Jeff a smoked turkey and pepper jack on rye. Vincent cut the sandwich into fours and placed the plate on the kitchen table. Jeff umped up on the table and munched away at his glorious victory feast as Vincent walked straight out of the condo, pissed off at both Sebastian and his cat. The cat for being a complete dick, and Sebastian for encouraging his behavior as an annoying and snarky kitty cat.

Jeff had called a band meeting, which was never good but still Sebastian and Ciel had to keep their heads up. Due to Melissa's disgusting excuse for 'writing' and Jeff's ghostwriting her disgusting excuse for 'writing' both Sebastian and Ciel were internet celebrities. They had collectively, fifteen million hits on their various leaked tracks they had put online. Despite the fact that the music was mediocre and predictable at it's very best, album presales had already sold out and Sebastian was considering replacing the hot tub William stole from him with one in his bedroom.

"Good news everyone." Jeff said. "I've got a gig for the both of you. I also have to remind you to finish up the album art, record a music video and actually come up with a band name, which you have yet to do."

"We do have a band name. It's called The Phantom Kissers." Sebastian explained.

"And for the last time, that name BLOWS. Come up with a new one!" Jeff said.

"Why do we need a name, I mean-"

"Don't even try to get metaphysical philosophical on me!" Jeff scolded them.

"Well, if _you_ think we need a name so damn badly, then why don't _you _come up with one?" Ciel asked him, pouting at him like the angry child demon he was.

"Oh, I have a huge list." Jeff told them. Sebastian waved him on.

"The Darling Faggots, Phantomdick, Deathphobia, Lunar Killers, Satanic Kittens, I Kissed A Whore-"

"Those are worse than our suggestions." Ciel said.

"I'm not done yet! Limey Cocksuckers, Death on a pair of Black Knickers, Super Hell-"

"Wait. I like that one." Sebastian said.

"Limey Cocksuckers? That's my favorite. I think it suits the both of you." Jeff told him.

"No, Super Hell."

"Hmm… I like it too." Ciel added in.

"As your manager I say that Limey Cocksuckers really fits your image."

"And I say that Super Hell is nicer." Sebastian said.

"Now that is settled- GET BACK TO WORK YOU LAZY FAGGOTS." Jeff scolded them before hopping of the keyboard and going upstairs for some much-needed nap time in Ciel's wardrobe.

The album art was partially drawn by Ciel with Sebastian working n the digital rendering and typesetting for it. Both of them had set out for a black and grey art with small amounts of it traced over with both silver. The drawings Ciel ha done were then printed out using a black light reactive ink so that they could be visible underneath black light. The two of them were quite impressed by the art itself. Now all they had to do was print out a few thousand flyers and tape them to every surface they could find.


	20. you sound like my mother

_Apologies for updating so late, and even more for my lack of thankyous and letters of mutual love to everyone who has been so unexpectedly kind to me both on here and on tumblr. Once again, the magical excuse called "I fell down and had my thumb laying flush against my wrist" strikes again!_

_For the next few chapters or so, this story will have some minor changes. I want to really get into Sebastian and Ciel's heads and show them to you as changed men. Don't worry, after I'm done with that it's back to the random gay escapades and sarcastic Scottish folds. Also I will say that in the next chapters a very special character will be appearing, and it is absolutely essential to what little plot this story has to put them there, so I hope that it will not discourage you from sticking with me until the end of a story that is turning out far long than what I have expected it to._

_-Vi_

Sebastian had been working out the final details on the stage costumes. He had no problem making something that he liked that was suitable to wearing front of crowd of people, and he took great pleasure in making them. Finding something that was both attention-grabbing and something Ciel wouldn't refuse to wear in public. It was an endless battle with him. This was too slutty. That was too glittery. 'No I'm not going outside with drag make up on!'

Though he had finally convinced Ciel to at least put on some foundation and a bit of eye liner on before leaving the house and finally, he had conceded to the 'frivolous' idea of perhaps doing something with his hair which he hadn't bothered to cut for a long time.

"What are you wearing, Jeff?" Sebastian asked, as if the cat appearance was nearly an insult to the weeks he spent sewing costumes for Ciel and himself.

"A nice sweater vest."

"It's argyle."

"I look charming in argyle." Jeff told him, his tail swishing back and forth in a display that clearly said that he was being pissed off.

"Yes but we're wearing black. You can't be our keyboardist and wear argyle on stage. It looks off!"

"And please tell me Sebastian, when, in the weeks and thousands you spent making costumes for yourself did you ever once consider that I am a member of the band?"

Sebastian had no answer and he didn't need one since Vincent was waiting outside in the car. Ciel hit the horn from the front seat. Jeff hopped onto the car's dashboard, purposefully sleeping in front of the road that Vincent was trying to concentrate.

"You know, I think maybe I should sit you down and talk to you about exploring your sexuality."

"Not now." Ciel said, leaning against the car window.

"It is a four hour drive." Vincent reminded him.

"Don't mind me." Sebastian slipped on a pair headphone and then proceeded to play video games in the back seat of the car. Jeff was already fast asleep on the dash board.

"I should tell you something about Sebastian. I completely wrecked that." Vincent pointed to Sebastian in the back seat, who currently couldn't hear them and nor did he particularly want to.

"Father don't say things like that." Ciel said, looking out the window, trying not to make eye contact with anything.

"I don't think you quite understand the gravity of what I'm trying to tell you. I destroyed him." Vincent said, putting extra emphasis on the word destroyed. "He will never be same after what I did to him."

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT."

"You're going to be hearing about it until we get there so listen up." Vincent rolled up the windows and turned off the radio. Ciel could already feel the awkward silence and they weren't even on the road for five minutes yet.

Sebastian had stopped playing videogames about an hour and a half ago, when he heard the faint shriek of Ciel clamping his hands over his ears saying 'la la la I can't hear you!' he absolutely had to eavesdrop on it. It wasn't polite to do so but he still pretended to be enveloped in his games, to avoid seeming any more impolite than he already was.

"Now Ciel, you have to remember to never go ass to mouth." Vincent said.

Ciel looked out of the window at the scenery. Hell wasn't very pretty. It was flat in most areas and there was high rises everywhere with a park thrown in here or there to give a 'suburban' impression where everything was just urban. Visually, it was attractive. Hell was a very clean neighborhood, and crime rates were virtually nonexistent unless you counted minor infractions like j-walking and paring fines. It was just horribly, horribly boring.

He had been woken up out of his trance by the sound of Sebastian giggling, most likely at him. He looke back and shot Sebastian a look that meant he better shut his mouth.

"Don't laugh at me!" Ciel shouted at him, which only caused him to laugh harder.

"Pay attention!" Vincent slammed on the brakes of the car, sending Jeff flying.

"Faggot!" Jeff yowled and jumped into the back seat, hissing and swatting at Vincent. "I'll kill you!"

"Hush Creamsicle." Sebastian cuddled Jeff in his arms and pet him on the head, which calmed his nerves after such a rude awakening.

"Now let me finish my lecture." Vincent said, glaring back at Jeff who just swatted at him. "It is important that you never go ass to mouth."

"I disagree." Sebastian said.

"You NEVER go ass to mouth." Vincent said.

"You're sounding like my mother. It's totally fine to go ass to mouth from time to time."

"No, it's not." Vincent insisted.

"Then why did we go ass to mouth that one time? Hm?" Sebastian asked.

"Holy fucking hell." Jeff said, leaping into the front seat. "Do you fuckers have any idea how awkward it is to be eunuch sitting in a car full of a bunch of fairies bickering about going ass to mouth? Because let me tell you it is really fucking awkward.:"

"Thank you Jeff." Ciel had never thought he'd say those words before.

Hours later, Vincent had retired his lecture to smoke, Ciel had Jeff purring in his lap and Sebastian was fighting a hoard of alien invaders on his portable game console. None of them said a word, and there wasn't anything left to say after a certain argument involving going ass to mouth. Ciel felt nearly sick to his stomach, because he had never once in his life performed for an audience.

He had performed acts before, yes. Ciel was a very talented liar and could lie to anyone's face if he wanted to, even Sebastian couldn't tell I he was serious or not at times. He had taken on the names of people who were dead he had even pretended to be a woman but never in his life did he get a large audience. His parents died before he got to the age where you take your child to play violin recitals and Sebastian didn't have the authority to make him attend one.

Sebastian had assure him that it wasn't a big deal, but Sebastian had been in several music groups many years ago and it wasn't like his servant didn't already have a thing for exhibition. Ciel couldn't feel too anxious, because as much as he hated him, Jeff's constant purring and cuddling did have a very relaxing effect on him.

The venue was crowded, and Ciel wasn't sure whether or not the show had sold out but he could see them waiting outside in the thousands, so if it didn't sell out completely, it would be crowded. On further inspection, most of the people attending appeared to be female or were men that appeared to be female but if you looked a second time, you could tell they were just really feminine men. This did not calm Ciel's nerves at all, and he felt like he was the only one nervous about this.

Before the show, Vincent had taken the time to straighten out everyone's stage costumes. Ciel sighed and looked over at Sebastian, who was wearing eyeliner past the brow and all the down to his cheek bones. If that didn't already make him look like a prostitute, the rhinestone studded banana hammock he wore instead of something less shameless (like pants for once in his immortal life) certainly did. Though Ciel's costume barely covered more than Sebastian's, Rachel had screamed at Sebastian until he made something appropriate for a fifteen year old demon child to wear. At least he didn't sparkle. Thanks mum.

Since their fan base had questionable sanity, they couldn't really trust any roadies, lest they end up with another 'Melissa Situation' again so Vincent was the guy who had to cart all their synth equipment on stage while Jeff directed him as to what should go where. Most of the music was programmed via laptop computer and all Jeff had to do was make sure the laptop and electrical equipment was properly set up.

"Put the blue taped connector to the blue usb port." Jeff said.

"What is a usb port?" Vincent asked.

"Universal Serial Bus." Jeff explained.

"I was born in the eighteen hundreds you are going to have to explain this better."

"It's is a rectangular port on the side the laptop. Theres four of them."

"Which one do I put it in?" Vincent asked, staring at the four ports, all identical.

"Doesn't matter."

"Left or right?" He asked.

"They all work just fine." Jeff told him. Again.

"But which one?" Vincent stare at them confused.

"The left one." Jeff just made it up to satisfy his primitive knowledge of technology.

"Thank you." Vincent fiddled with the cable before finally inserting it into the port.

Jeff opened up the program and gave it a five second test. Everything was going exactly as planned an that filled the tiny band manager's heart with cute fluffy joy. The keyboard was set on a table with the laptop to the right of it and Jeff had his paws ready for some action. No all he had to do first was wait for the two little divas to put on their magical fairy dust and get themselves ready.

"What took you fairies so long?" Jeff asked sitting on his comfortable chair.

"Ciel wouldn't put his glitter on right so I had to force it on him."

"Mum said no glitter!" Ciel retorted. "She doesn't want me looking like a miniature trollop."

"Deal with it." Sebastian said. "Now go pick up your violin and hold it dramatically."

Ciel took the center of the stage, Jeff had already put the amplifier to his violin. He didn't like how it sounded to the violin he was normally used to. It was made out of a heavier black substance not unlike stone. It had excellent sound quality but lacked the heart and soul that his wooden one had. It also looked quite interesting, being solid black shiny and covered with a texture like vines and thorns wrapping around it's exterior. It looked nice, but maybe it lacked what Ciel liked. You could bring the Victorian boy to hell, but you could not remove the effects of his time period from him. He'd always be that boy who grew up wearing knickers and playing acoustic instruments.

Sebastian slipped on his headset, and as the heavy velvet stage curtains raised and Ciel's stopped himself from running off stage from anxiety at the last minute, he forgot everything. He forgot that he had been a slave for nearly a year and a half now, he forgot that his only method of rebellion was nailing some camp scarf-wearing fairy and he forgot about his stupid fucking smug faced fucking rival and his stupid slutty human boyfriend. For this hour, for this gig, nothing else mattered. He would go up on stage and he'd entertain the genitals of horny fan girls. He'd have everyone cheering for him, and someone, lots of someones would appreciate him and then he'd go back home and get screamed at by a teenage boy.

"Welcome, this is our first live show! So please be kind to us and our incredibly shy violinist!" Sebastian spoke clearly and concisely. The crowd was a single unintelligible scream of excitement. Ciel lifted his bow and started off the show with a shredding violin solo and Jeff played pre-recorded tunes to their hit single in the background. This was to give them the wailing crowd some time to shut the fuck up.

The music got him through the day. Recording music got him through Ciel. He thought of programming laser lights while getting a rim job from Vincent. He made Jeff sandwiches while whispering new lyrics under his breath. And then he'd break out of his steel cage of slavery, jump on stage and dress like a sex slave for screaming girls who gave him virgin sacrifices of bras and panties taken off in mere seconds and thrown at him.

"I want to hear you sing with me!" Sebastian shouted- and they obeyed. Someone was listening to him.

Ciel was an amazing concert violinist, he was better at this than designing toys or doing detective work or whatever he pretended to do while Sebastian did the real work. He was actually accomplishing something. On his own. He was standing there, unwavering- working that violin without begging Sebastian for assistance. Sure, he had much, much farther to go with his violin work and he was far from good, mediocre at best but it was something he did on his own and that was the only thing he could do on his own. The boy who couldn't button his own knickers or put on his own glitter but he could stand there on stage in the same cathartic bubble as Sebastian and rock on with his inner demons.

"Thank you darlings!" Sebastian shouted out. He wasn't sure if he was sarcastic or not.

He joined them out by the merch stand, signing papers and photos and tits where his shoulder pads were torn off by a screamer and he was nearly choked from someone trying to steal his jewelry. He belonged to this crowd because they were selfish an entitled and thought that every artist belong to them because they had a magical 'free download' button on their computer. He was happier this way.

Ciel was anti-social and after seeing Sebastian walk into the car with scratch marks on his face and bite marks on his bare stomach, he was better off not bothering to. On the way to the next gig, another four drive with no shower, no coffee, and Jeff's long winded rants about profits Ciel unleashed his inner human and drifted off to sleep.


	21. remember the profit

Ciel felt very, very cold. This was all horribly stupid and illogical because it was always hot in hell, because the axis of the planet would never let the sun set under the horizon, it was always hot, hot, hot. He was standing there, back in his mansion on earth where it always rained and he still had friends that weren't talking cats or his parents.

"Lizzie, I have something to tell you." and Ciel is staring at himself. He is in his own arms, staring directly into his own bulging blood-red irises and he can't move or get away.

"I love you." he said to, himself. "And I _want _you."

Ciel did not know how he could possibly be so attracted to himself. He wanted to run, everything told him to run the fuck away from this monster but he stayed safely within his own arms. He didn't want to leave because he loved him, he loved him enough to die for him without hesitation. He would never leave. Is this is how she felt when he killed her?

He was scared and he wanted to leave. His brain told him to leave but his soul told him to stay. The eyes of the monster before him did nothing but attract him in the same way that a lantern would attract a moth. This was not lie the time where Sebastian knelt gently beside him and brushed his tear away. He was nice, and he understood that naturally, there was some element of pain involved. Ciel did not extend the same branch of kindness to his victim.

Ciel supposed, this was exactly how she felt when he killed her. He never recalled telling her specifically that he was going to tear the immortal soul from her boy and eat it. He never let on that the kiss they shared was going to be the last kiss she'd ever get. It was not to spare her from suffering, or pain, or the inevitable shock that came with a sudden death. It was to keep her from ever leaving him. And in that moment where he realized his own cruelty, he saw the smile, and then everything became blindingly, agonizing pain from which there was no escape. He was in the jaws of the beast, and now he had been swallowed without leaving behind a single stand of hair.

"HEY CIEL" Jeff jumped on his stomach, waking Ciel with a twenty two pound jolt.

"I crunched some numbers and asked some fans and the top three things they want out of the show are pyrotechnics, you in a skimpier outfit and they want you two to kiss on stage."

Ciel was groggy and didn't quite catch all of that but he did catch something about kissing Sebastian on stage and Ciel had only one answer to that one.

"Hell no." Vincent said. "I know where that harlot mouth of his has been and it's not in a place that is any good. No way are you two making out on stage."

"I'm in this car too, you know." Sebastian said. He was tired of being called a whore. Slut, maybe, but honestly there was nothing wrong with enjoying a little bit of sex with a little bit of everyone.

"I think I will side with my father on this one." Ciel said.

"I am your manager and as your manager, you will get up there and make out with that venereal diseased ridden harlot you call a servant. I don't care what you get from it."

"I do not have a sexually transmitted infection, thank you very much." Sebastian glared at Jeff.

"Remember, little demon. Remember the profit." Jeff swatted Ciel in the face. "Profit!"

"Can't we get a body double?" Ciel asked.

"Be a man and stop fighting your repressed homosexuality." Jeff told him. Ciel started grumbling.

"What did I do to deserve such a horrible reputation?" Sebastian asked. "I mean, honestly."

"You'll have degrading and depraved sex with anything that breathes." Jeff said. Vincent nodded in agreement and pulled into the paring lot behind a really sketchy looking building.

"What is so wrong with that?" he asked,

"If you're going to be a slut, you shouldn't complain when people call you one." Jeff said. "Now you two better cleaned off and ready because it's two hours until show time." he shooed them away. Vincent remained in the car with Jeff and slept in the seat. If Jeff had the ability to do so, he would have drawn things on his face with a permanent marker.

Sometimes, Jeff felt like nobody really appreciated the work that went into his job. He had to spend countless hours booking gigs and then he got shit at the door and turned away when they saw he was a cat. He was a fucking_ doctorate_ of history- and he got treated like an incompetent idiot just for being a cat. Then he had to deal with the two little divas who had no idea how much it costs to run a tour across hell, much less the price of hydrogen fuel, much less the cost of stage costumes, the eyeliner Sebastian went through like water, and how most security guards demanded a raise after the last fan girl assault.

It was one hour to the start of the show, and Jeff was getting angry. They were still in the hotel room and they had better be practicing making out or he was going to claw both their pretty faces off. Jeff found himself enjoying the lovely direct sunlight on the dashboard and a delicious egg salad sandwich so he wasn't that angry, but he was still going to get out the claws if they didn't get down there soon.

"Sorry it took so long. We made costume alterations." Sebastian explained. Jeff glowered at him anyways.

"I hate these shorts, they make me look like Trancy!" Ciel protested.

"Who the hell cares? Get in the car, you little fairy." Jeff said.

Another day, another show or something. Day blended into one another in a slur that you couldn't understand unless you specifically mapped out the time. Very few residents of hell even owned a calendar, much less a watch. Nobody cared about time. Time on earth was marked by the rising and the falling of the sun and the moon. The several moons and a sun that never truly set made time a worthless marker here. Time meant nothing to immortals, anyways.

The only place where times were marked were for events, and even then, it only said the day and the approximate length of the show on the ticket. Yet on Jeff's time sheet it had the specific hour. On no other place was the exact time recorded, but Ciel knew better than to come to a show late. There were absolutely no laws against staging riots in hell, as nobody here could actually be injured or killed. Ciel also theorize this was true partially because the elder demons who made the laws were entertained by such things.

Today the crowd was nearly out of control today, possibly because of a recent riot that broke out after another band that was called 'deth klok' delayed their album release back one month. Three thousands were inure an two buildings were destroyed. Jeff used them as an example of why punctuality was very fucking important. If they messed up- heads would (quite literally) roll. People were crowd surfing and trying at every possible chance to bumrush the stage. Ciel felt quite flattered by the sign held up by a girl in the back that proclaimed her love for him. She looked cute at a distance but he guessed that up close she'd probably look like a pig.

It was nearing to the closing song, and Jeff was giving the cat eye glare from the back of the stage. As one song ended and Sebastian completed his agreement to use mouthwash before the kiss Ciel felt the strange urge to run off somewhere but he knew better than to fight an angry Scottish fold. Just as the song ended, Ciel gave Sebastian the quickest kiss on the lips anyone had ever seen before concluding the show. Despite the overall lack of showmanship in the kiss, the crowd still went insane with screaming.

"Dude that was totally weak." Jeff said.

"Still counts." Ciel said.

"No it doesn't. Next time, he better be deep throating your tongue."

"Hey Jeff." Vincent said. "Don't you think that it is just a little bit gay that you want to see to see those two kiss? You know after all that homophobic hate speech you preach daily, I find it a bit hypocritical that you are so desperate to see the two of them share saliva."

"Shut up, you know I'm getting' forty percent of the profit." Jeff defended.

_"**FORTY** PERCENT?"_ Sebastian shouted. "I GET _FIFTEEN_ AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING BOUT RECORD AND TICKET SALES?" his eyes sparkled a bright shade of fuchsia, making any chance Sebastian had at looking scary go away.

"Chill, Sebs."

"I will NOT be chilling when you take all our money!" Sebastian shouted.

"I get paid more than he does and I'm not in the band." Vincent said.

"Are you kidding me?" Sebastian asked.

"No, I'm not. I get twenty percent." Vincent said.

"Twenty-five." Ciel said.

"You can all eat me." Sebastian told them.

"Why are you so angry? I paid you less because I thought you were already making money from the hole whore business you have running." Jeff told him, Ciel snickered at the snide comment.

"I am not a whore!" Sebastian shouted at the cat, who just put his paw in Sebastian's mouth.

"Shut up Sebby. If you don't like it, then go complain about it on livejournal." Jeff told him. Sebastian said something but it was muffled by the furry appendage.

Sebastian's cellphone started to ring, and everyone stared at Jeff who took his paw out of Sebastian's mouth and let him answer the phone. He didn't recognize the number but he answered it anyways.

"Who is this?" he asked, and giggled at the answer he received. "Oh I suppose I could help you but it'll cost you…. Any price?…. Maybe…. Alright. I will do it but you owe me….What…I don't know, I'll think of it when the time is right."

"Who was it?" Ciel asked.

"Oh you'll never guess."

"Lucille?" Ciel asked.

"Nope. Better…" Sebastian said. "Think about something more fun."

"Was it mother asking you why you've become such a whore?" Jeff asked. Sebastian glared at him.

"No. It was Spears. We wants backstage passes to our next show as a gift to his girlfriend."

"Are you sure he wasn't buying you for an hour?" Jeff asked.

"Save your whore jokes. After all, you don't want to use them up." Ciel said.

"Kiddo, please. I will never run out of jokes to make at his expense."

Ciel felt sick to his stomach for some reason. If felt like he had indigestion, except that he hadn't had anything to eat or drink except water in nearly two years. Maybe this was hunger, or maybe he was just exhausted or something. He was not sure that he could still get sick as a demon but still, he continued to feel lie there was just something wrong with his body. Granted, he was still transitioning and only recently had two tiny horns peaked their way out of his skull. So he nodded off on Sebastian's shoulder again for no matter how frightening his nightmares were, they were infinitely more enjoyable than listening to his father argue with a cat until they got to the next stop on the tour.


	22. the best girlfriend is a mute girlfriend

"Ciel?" Vincent asked, prodding his son, who was not waking up or responding to anything. No screaming, no scratches from Jeff. He would not wake up, or move at all for several Due to this, several show had to have been cancelled, for nobody wanted to see Sebastian go up on stage alone.

"He can't be dead, can he?" he asked.

"Demons can't die." Sebastian said. "He's just sleeping."

"My heart would collapse if I had to lose my son again."

"The seconds he wakes up, I am going to cut his paycheck and give Sebs a fair salary." Jeff resolved himself. This sort of conduct worried the part of him that was a cat, and enraged the part of him that was an entrepreneur. Nobody would take his favorite pillow-slash-method-of-income away from him.

Somewhere in Ciel's mind, he was a prisoner to something he didn't understand. Now, Lucille had told him on several occasions that eating right after he became a demon could make him very, very ill. It had been years so he shrugged it off and noticed nothing wrong until it had snuck up behind him and pulled a metaphorical burlap sack over his head and beat him in the kidneys with a metaphorical two-by-four with nails in it. Now he'd be mentally pissing blood for months.

"What will happen if he never wakes up?" Vincent asked.

"If that happens, well, I'll be the luckiest demon to ever live." he was already planning it now. Sure he'd have to change into a woman or something and never go back, exile himself to earth, keep a low profile but he'd free. Nobody would turn him in, he'd stop making enemies for once. Yes, if his precious master never woke then his quality of life might improve dramatically.

"You are not me. You do not belong inside of here." Ciel told the mirror copy of himself. "_Get out_."

"If you did not intent to keep me here then why did you eat me?"

"I am not a lunatic and I will not converse with myself!" Ciel shouted at himself, even though he knew doing so made him look very much like a lunatic.

The 'other one' did not respond to his shouting, or to his hitting or to the threats. He was ignoring all of Ciel's wishes. He was not listening to a single word he had to say. Ciel did not stop and did not want to stop for he was being strung along and he knew that this was true, but he did nothing to stop himself from acting like an idiot. Just the same as the other one refused to listen to all reason.

They were at an impasse, just standing there and glaring at each other for an undetermined amount of time. Time had left them, time had left their argument, and there was no use for such a primitive marker of substance when you were talking to yourself in an extra dimension that only existed inside of yourself. Ciel had learned to stop caring about time, yet his otherself seemed to be growing quite impatient. What a lovely advantage he had found in this ceaseless inhabitance of himself .

The only difference between the two is that Ciel had grown while his otherself had not. Granted, Ciel had not, for any reason, gotten physically taller but his appearance had slowly changed. He now had horns, his fangs were long enough to warrant filing down, his nails long and talon-like, and his hair hung past his shoulders in a mess that he refused to cut or style. The boy standing before him was well groomed in a dapper suit, the only thing that let on to his otherworldly abilities was the one blood red eye staring at him. It was like he had not even known that he didn't look like that anymore.

"You are not Ciel." Ciel told the other one.

"I won't argue that." he said. "But who are you to tell me who I am and who I am not when you can't even begin to figure out who you are. That's hypocritical." he rested his hand on his hip. Ciel did not do that. Not even in the repressed back of his mind was he so… fae.

"I know who you are." he said.

"Prove it." the dapper one challenged.

"No. I'm not telling you because you don't know yourself. You just want me to figure it out for you."

"You are so stubborn!" the wooden heel met Ciel's teeth, he still managed to hoist the other one in the air by their leg and hold them in the air.

"You should know better than to hit someone you love. It's unbecoming." they dangled in the air, trying to break free but Ciel was not going to let them go. It was one thing to invade his body- but his mind? This unforgivable parasite would pay.

"I don't love you anymore, Ciel!" it shouted. "You lied to me!"

Oh, they were angry, irrationally angry and they had gotten free. Within the confines of his own mind, there was only so much that he could do, and on a lit of things Ciel couldn't do was "call for back up". He was fucked. He knew that he could not physically die. If you killed a demon, they went to hell where they waited to be reincarnated. If you killed a demon while they were waiting to be reincarnated, they but went back to the list. But you could not, in any way eradicate them. They would always exist in some form.

But what if you killed a demon inside the confines of their own mind? Had anyone even tried that one before? What would happen, would Ciel stop existing and the other part of take over? An if Ciel could fight them, what would he fight him with? How do you kill what does not technically exist anymore.

"I think I know what to do." Jeff said.

"What?" Vincent asked. "Please tell me that he'll be fine."

"For the last time- he's going to be fine! All you really have to do is make him throw up." Jeff said. "But be warned, for just like his butler, he has virtually no gag reflex."

Nobody was laughing at that joke. Not Vincent, not Sebastian but Jeff had a little chuckle at himself because he had to give it to himself- he never missed a chance. Not even in times of it being extremely inappropriate would he give up the chance to rag on Sebastian. That was dedication. Sebastian found himself elbow-deep in Ciel's throat, he felt around and something was burning his hand. He poked around and it didn't feel like any kind of hidden weapon, but he did grab his hand around the offending item.

Inch by inch Sebastian pulled out about a foot of blonde colored hair that was matted with blood and chunks of Ciel's innards. If he were not in something similar to a coma, Ciel would have been in an extraordinary amount of pain. Yet, as if by some bizarre force, Sebastian managed to pull out an entire human being from inside of Ciel in the very same way that Claude was able to pull a seven foot long sword out of Hannah. In which, by all means, was magic that was able to happen without killing or injuring for no logical reason at all.

"Holy fuck." Jeff said. "I don't even have a joke for this. I mean… I'll find one but…but _oh fuck_."

Ciel started coughing, and when he looked at up at the naked girl laying next to him he was not surprised that it was Lizzie or that she was still staring at him with eyes that spelled M-U-R-D-E-R, because she had very last right anyone could have to be murderous angry at Ciel. Considering that he, y'know killed her and ate her soul and may have or may not have done something morally questionable to her corpse before high-tailing it the fuck out of the solar system. Ciel simply stood up and retreated slowly, walking backwards into the car when he slammed the door shut and locked all the doors before she could go after him. Vincent looked at him with a glare of parental disapproval, but still, he refused to come out.

"So… who are you?" Jeff asked. Sebastian removed his cape and wrapped it around her.

She tried to speak, but found that no matter how clearly she annunciated herself- she could not make a sound. She could not scream either, though if she could, she'd be hollering at Ciel for the next ten thousand years for what he had done to her. Sebastian took Jeff's computer from him and handed it to her so she could type out what she was trying to say on a text document.

"If you tap the matching letters, it spells out things. It is like a typewriter." Sebastian explained.

_"I am going to murder Ciel."_ she spelled out.

"That sounds reasonable." Jeff said, Vincent flicked his nose.

"Why are you going to kill Ciel?" he asked her.

_"He killed me and trapped me there. So I tried to get back."_

"This sounds totally reasonable. I have a pen." Jeff said. "I can't use it, but it makes cool clicky noises and you could really maim him with it." he held a click pen in his mouth.

_"Give it to me."_ she typed out. Vincent the computer away from her and then pen out of Jeff's mouth.

"Stop trying to kill my son."

"You can't even kill a demon." Jeff defended

"She came close. I've never seen anyone try to kill a demon that way before. I have to say that as much as I have to defend my master, I do commend her really, quite ingenious plan to kill him. Though she would have just replaced her soul as the dominating soul in his body, his existence would have been eradicated. My admiration to you Lady Middleford."

"A lady you say? Who is this girl?" Jeff asked.

"My niece, who Ciel was supposed to marry and not eat."

"Wait." Jeff said. "Hold it the fuck up." everyone stared at Jeff, waiting for him to go on. "Are you saying that Ciel over there is supposed to nail his cousin? You Victorians are sick."

"You're a professor of human history and you didn't know that?" Sebastian asked.

"Well, I know of it, but I've never met any cousin fuckers in my life!" Jeff blurted out, nearly laughing. It was true when he said he'd never run out of things to mock Ciel and Sebastian for.

"I bet their kids would look deformed mutant babies and have hemophilia." Jeff said. Lizzie just glared at him, and Jeff just glared back.

He had the protection of Satan, anyways. He was invincible. Nobody could touch Jeff, or threaten him or injure him because the second they did, they'd have all the rage of an angry god to deal with. And nobody, ever, ever, ever wanted to deal with an angry Satan. Those who did, lived to tell the tale but who also say that living after what she did to them was the worst punishment imaginable.

Vincent had convinced Lizzie to ride back home with them where she could stay with them until things settled own with the whole 'killing Ciel' business. Ciel, Sebastian and Jeff all sat in the back seat. Ciel was feeling strangely on edge from being in such close proximity to someone who had nearly stolen rights to his body. It was the thing with Alois Trancy all over again except this time someone was trying to kill him. Lizzie behaved herself, largely ignoring Ciel and marveling at the grand technology one could find in Hell. She had decided that when she was cleaned off, she was going shopping.

They did not say a single word. Sebastian and Ciel silently retreated to their condo where they stripped off their latex clothing, chains and thick layers of makeup. Vincent escorted Lizzie next door where Rachel lent her some money to buy some clothing with. Jeff sat on the curb, and waited patiently for something to happen. Kissing cousins and murder plots? This was better than reality television! This was almost enough to make Jeff forgive the fact that the rest of the tour had to be cancelled.


	23. the demons next door

_It is becoming very obvious to me that Superhell! Is no longer a fanfic, but a rampant monster idea that will not, for any reason, quit. I expected to write maybe 15 chapters tops, but now I've dug myself so far into this hole of an idea that I can't possibly get myself out. Abandon all hope and join the army of Satan. God may have eternal salvation, but hell has hot chicks._

Jeff was still laying on the sidewalk, staring up at the sky. Lizzie had yet to come out o the house to kill anyone and Ciel hadn't been dumb enough to try and talk to her yet so he just waited outside for them to come out an entertain him. Until then, he'd settle with the brilliant sky lit up with flaming balls of gasses before him. Vincent also came out of the house to enjoy the sky. He did not notice Jeff being there for it was a very cold day in hell when Jeff was silent.

"Do you want to get high?" Jeff asked.

"What?" Vincent asked.

"I have drugs, would you like to use them with me?" Jeff asked. "Surely you've had drugs before."

"Half of boarding school is doing drugs." Vincent said.

"Good. Now roll up a joint." Jeff trotted over to Vincent and dropped a bag of cannabis and rolling papers in his lap. This was bringing back memories of his time in school where he and Dietrich would stay in the dorm instead of going to class and smoke opium with the Chinese exchange student. Vincent rolled it up carefully, in the shape of a cross and lit all three ends of the joint.

"Damn, that's nice." Jeff said. He took a few hits before Vincent took it again.

They sat silently on the side walk, smoking cannabis. Not saying a word to each other, because when you were smoking a joint with someone you hated, you didn't do anything to really ruin that for you. You just want to sit down and enjoy your drugs without confrontation. In a way, drug use brought everyone together, whether they liked each other or not. Because they like drugs, and that's something to agree on.

"You're not a horrible cat." Vincent admitted. Through and through, Jeff wasn't the worst kind of cat to have around. In fact, he was probably the most talented feline to ever live.

"And you're not a terrible guy, either. I just hate Sebs, man." Jeff explained. And even then he didn't really hate Sebastian, he just thought he was an annoying pompous slut.

"I hate him too. Every time he opens his mouth I want to punch him." Vincent told Jeff.

"Then why do you have sex with him so often?" Jeff asked.

"The back of his head looks like my past lover's" Vincent said. "He isn't terrible in bed, and he doesn't complain if I beat the hell out of him for speaking without permission."

"You're fucking brutal." Jeff commented. Vincent shrugged, he didn't view himself that way.

They had lost track of time and fell asleep on the side walk outside. Ciel found them out there, Jeff curled into a ball next to Vincent, who was nearly falling into the gutter. At first, he was quite confused then saw the roach on the ground and knew exactly what had happened. He didn't care to wake either of them up for they had been working for months at a time, and would still be working if Ciel hadn't puked up an entire human being.

"How are they?" Sebastian asked.

"Passed out." Ciel told him, he could hear himself laugh. Without malicious intent, without sarcasm- just what the hell was wrong with him? Ever since he had come here he had not been the same boy.

There was something about this whole immortality thing that really changed him. Not entirely for the good but Ciel could somehow feel himself becoming happier. Sebastian didn't irritate him nearly as much as he used to, Jeff's constant bitching was becoming tolerable and the idea of being staled by insane fan girls wasn't offensive anymore. If they asked nicely enough and promised to 'no touching' , he'd even invite them in for tea and crumpets.

The only thing that had changed was Elizabeth, who now acted how Ciel used to act. She threw random tantrums out of a murderous rage directed at a known enemy, she always retorted with some bitchy remark and stopped caring about other people. Before the incident, Lizzie had always been kind and generous, if not over zealous in her wishes for other people to be happy. Now she was a self-centered, self-obsessed vanity queen. The only word in her vocabulary was "me, me, me".

Is this how everyone else felt when he came home with a shattered psyche and a butler who wanted to ill him? Ciel thought for a second, that maybe, he deserved to be treated this way, after all, it was not unlike how he treated her. Then he reconsidered it. He was a changed man in every sense and definition of the word but had not yet changed so much as to doubt his own self-centered ways. Instead, he bitched about other who were exactly like him in classical, hypocritical fashion.

Someone was knocking on door, probably Vincent letting Jeff in. Even though they had killed Melissa, the door now had three locks on it. Considering that they were rock stars, this probably wasn't over kill. Instead at the door was a tall man, who Ciel recognized easily as his uncle (who actually wasn't his uncle at all, he wasn't even English) Dietrich. Vincent was no longer sleeping on the side walk, but rather clutching his stomach in pain as Dietrich walked over his body to get into the house.

"Damn it!" Vincent shouted. "Fuck that hurts!" he clutched his stomach in pain as Jejf also walked over his groggy body into the house.

"Hello Ciel. You look very different from the last time I saw you. But you still haven't grown an inch" he said calmly, as if he had no idea anything was really different.

"You do know that you've died and gone to hell."

"What?" Dietrich asked.

"You're in hell. Surely the demons everywhere would have made this very clear." Sebastian said. "In fact, you are talking to two of them."

"Ciel isn't a demon." he said. Of course not, that would ridiculous, demons didn't exist and neither did hell. Dietrich, after all, did not believe in such ridiculous concepts like the 'afterlife' and 'demons'.

"Yes I am. I have even have horns." Ciel titled his head in a way so that his horn were visible. Two tiny black horns were protruding out from his head. The man seemed entirely unphased by all of this.

"Tiny horns." Sebastian added in.

"Who in hell is this guy? He's all high everywhere." Jeff said, leaping onto Dietrich's shoulder. "Hey buddy, the party's over. We smoked all the grass last night." he leaped then to Sebastian's shoulder where he deemed it the perfect place for nap.

"Is that a talking cat?" he asked, petting Jeff, who was purring contently and enjoyed the attention.

"Honey, you do know that you've died and gone to hell." Vincent asked.

"The after life isn't real. You should know that." he said. "After all, you are dead."

"Completely dead." Vincent said.

"I miss you so much!" Dietrich was now clutching Vincent, nearly falling down and crying on him like he was a child's teddy bear. "The only time I ever see you is when I'm dreaming!"

"Are you going to tell him?" Ciel asked, as Vincent still had his lover crying on him.

"No. We have been together since we were your age and this is first time I have ever seen him show a single bit of emotion to me in front of others. I will enjoy this thoroughly."

Jeff loved the grocery store. Not because he loved food, but because he loved to fuck with things in the store. He liked leaping on counters, hiding behind boxes and jumping out at unsuspecting victims and over all being a fluffy ball of terror. Sebastian tried to ignore it and pretend that Jeff wasn't his cat, but that was a useless feat as everyone blamed it on him anyways. Sebastian was always taking the blame for someone else's mistakes.

"Let's get mahi mahi. Also I want cupcakes." Sebastian had the fish in the basket. He looked back at Jeff, who was walking across the shelves next to the baking supplies with a look of disapproval.

"Cats can't even taste sweet." Sebastian said.

"And most of them aren't smarter than you either." Jeff commented.

"You are not smarter than me." Sebastian said, as smart and competent as Jeff was, there was no way that a cat could possibly be smarter than a demon. A human maybe, but not a demon.

"Do you really want to test that?" Jeff asked. "If I were you I'd just take the cat's word for it instead of getting shoved into a testing lab and having it proven with science." he suggested.

"Fine. I will take your word for it." Sebastian said, after paying his rather hefty weekly grocery bill. He had idea how a cat could eat so much in a week, but anything was possible with Jeff.

Jeff was such a pain in the ass, but sometimes he was worth it. For example, he did work as Satan's personal advisor before William T Spears took the job and so, everyone knew him. It was not unusual that Sebastian would get into clubs for free by saying he knew Jeff. It was pretty common that Jeff would be given free things and everyone liked Jeff. Then again, they didn't live with him.

"Hey, now that his boyfriend is dead, do you think Vincent is going to pound your ass?" Jeff asked, following Sebastian behind him.

"Don't be so vulgar."

"I don't complain when you two fuck loud enough for everyone to hear, so you shouldn't complain about my terminology for it." Jeff told him. In a way, this was a perfectly logical way to think of things, but still Sebastian wouldn't have anything to do with logic when it was being told to him by a complete dick.

"So I'm dead." Dietrich said, staring down at his hands. "What now?" he couldn't believe he was dead but he had to be. This was not like any place on earth, and Vincent was talking to him. He felt sane, and he felt just like he would have if he had been alive, but he was not.

"I suggest that we enjoy eternity together, doing all the things we couldn't do before." Vincent said.

He took Dietrich by the hand and walked out the door of the condo to look around him. The beach, the ocean around it. All of this was theirs to enjoy, forever. When they were younger they had always dreamed that one day, they could abandon everything a start a life together in a new place here nobody new who they were, where they could be free. Yet Vincent had a company to run, and Dietrich was practically married to the military. It wasn't never a dream that could happen… until now.

"I love you." Dietrich said.

Vincent took something out the back pocket of his pants and very gently brushed it up against the back of Dietrich's nee cap. He twitched and fell on to the side walk. He stare up at Vincent and just glowered at him while he smiled. Vincent's sadistic side knew the best way to ruin a good moment.

"What the fuck, Vincent?" he shouted.

"Oh, I borrowed this electric prod from the demon next door."

"What?" Dietrich asked.

"Start running." Vincent said, poking him with it again.

"Fuck!" Vincent poked him again. "Damn it! Stop that!" Vincent hit him again, and he was starting to laugh at Dietrich's remarks.

"You can either run or I can just stand here and do this." Vincent said. "I'm okay with both options"

"I hate you right now. I love you but you're a real sadistic prick sometimes." Dietrich said, standing up and speeding off, Vincent tailed behind him.

Ciel was walking home from a poetry slam across town and saw his father running after uncle Dietrich with something, he didn't know what it was, but he shrugged it off. Since Lizzie had decided to stop trying to kill him and instead ran off with a large sum of money, Jeff felt like it was time that they resume touring to make up for cancelled tour dates and money that was lost while giving out refunds. Ciel was happy to be on the road again, as life with out doing anything was so incredibly boring that he might consider regretting the whole immortal thing.


	24. a different lover is not a sin

_Some of the chapters have been removed from this story because they were either the playlists or other unrelated but kind of related segments. I'm actually going to take all of the various "unrelated but kind of relevant" parts an put them in an entirely different collection of stories so they don't make this story just disjointed/weird. So if you're looking for them and can't find them, you didn't miss anything all that great but I'll be reposting them under the title "It's Always Sunny in Hell" one of these days._

_**Extra apology I should have made earlier:** This story in it's entirety is written entirely for the sake of fun. All insults, parodies, misogynist, homophobic, transphobic and over all disgusting humor is done entirely in jest. This entire story is done entirely for shits and giggles and with the exception of some social commentary, isn't written with any seriousness or intent to be considered serious. It's actually written quite poorly, even by my own standards which should really be a big hint that I'm not using this as a means of actually discriminating anybody._

_Even though I am an atheist and the entire concept of Satan, Hell, demons and such-forth is about as real to me as the tooth fairy; I understand that this isn't true for everyone. Some people, for religious reasons may very well consider satan and hell to be very much real. A good part of this story is that I portray demons, hell and their culture to be pretty much the same as modern day american culture- that's part of the joke. I am not doing this to insult anyone's particular religious beliefs, and that was never my intention. I respect everyone's right to practice the religion of their choice provided that it does not harm others, and while I may have the occasional poke at the idea of religion- I am not insulting any one personally. Once again, I respect everyone's right to believe in a god/hell/whatever and I am not trying to purposefully insult or offend anyone's religious beliefs. I really shouldn't have to apologize for this because I am assuming that anyone who is reading this story is an adult (it is rated R, kiddies.) and understands that this story is just for the lulz._

**Random Hell Facts:**

-Hell is about 2.9 million light years away from earth in the Andromeda galaxy. -The laws of physics are only slightly different from those on earth and by large, are not different enough that every ay life on hell is any different than on earth physics-wise. However, any mathematical formulas that apply to earth physics will be rendered completely useless when applied to Hell as a whole.

-The exact method of transportation to and from hell is a closely-guarded secret held between Lucille and her current advisor. Previous advisors, such as Beelzebub and Jeff have had their memories wiped of this information. William T. Spears currently knows the information, but doesn't really understand it enough to explain it because science isn't on a list of things he's good at.

-There are very few laws in Hell. The only laws in Hell are either about traffic control or involve building permits or permits regarding the size/decibel level of certain events.

-Currency in Hell is referred to as 'dollars', however it is the intergalactic dollar, and hold very different monetary value to dollars. The currency of the intergalactic dollar is accepted on many planets.

-Time works differently in the Andromeda galaxy as compared to time in the milky way galaxy, and comparing time there to how time on earth and describing it on similar levels is difficult at best.

-There are no major constellations marked, however the main planet that hell orbits is a large gas giant planet, along with several other moons and local planets that can easily be spotted. The nearest star is actually two large stars that are connected with each other. -Because the planet is on such a strange axis, the sun never really sets in Hell. Sometimes it will go to the very edge of the horizon, but a true night time darkness is impossible. -The sky in hell is not blue at all.

-The average temperature in Hell is 130 degrees Fahrenheit, though sometimes it may get as low as 100 or as high as 150.

-Gravity is stronger on hell, and therefore things weight much more than they would on earth. However, it is easy enough to get used to.

-After human souls are judged by the reapers association, all souls that are "sent to hell" are then sorted by Lucifer and her advisory staff. They then sort the souls into the "reincarnation" "assimilation" "service" and "punishment" categories. Reincarnation souls are sent back to earth to be repurposed, assimilation souls live on hell, service souls are live on hell as slaves, and punishment souls are sent to the 'Directorate of Pain' for [classified].

**-**When a demon is killed, it is sent into queue in the reapers association, where it may take a long period of time for them to be sorted based on their length cinematic records. Demons who are killed eventually are sent to hell to live the same way as humans in hell live. However, a demon may be reincarnated if they can convince Lucille they're worthy of her time to do it.

-reapers can go back and forth between earth, hell an the reapers association, but only if they have a pass to do this. Both William and Grell have a pass, though Grell sometimes lends hers to Ronald when she is feeling bored and lonely.

-The official language on hell is enochian, however american English is considered the standard as only Beelzebub can truly speak enochian, and was the advisor for Lucifer when that decision was made.

-Travel between hell and other planetary bodies is possible, though very expensive.

"Where the fuck is Vincent?" Jeff asked. His ears were folded back, his tail was swishing side to side threatening to smack anything that came near it. He paced endlessly out of frustration.

"I saw him awhile ago…" Ciel said, Jeff's tail smacked against his shin.

"Not helpful!" Jeff hissed. "FUCK."

Sebastian was some what mystified by watching the enraged cat pace back and forth endlessly. Jeff was starting to groom a bit aggressively, tripping his fur off in a way that was just a bit excessive. His ranting had devolved into a long line of profanity and words neither Sebastian or Ciel knew the definition of but sounded vaguely science related. Watching Jeff flip his shit was hilarious, but frightening.

Jeff leaped off the couch and went into the upstairs bathroom. Sebastian and Ciel ooked upstairs, watching Jeff shut the door and lock it with his paws. They wondered just what the cat was doing up there when he usually went to the bathroom in William's ficus. After a few minutes what seemed like a short, somewhat chubby human walked down the stairs. He was dressed in a short sleeves button up shirt and tie, a knitted argyle sweater, cords, and sneakers. His hair was mostly shaved, with the exception of a short fringe in his face. He wore large black glasses and had freckles dotting his cheeks. He was the definition of hipster.

"What the fuck are you staring at?" he asked.

"Jeff?" Ciel asked, astounded by the strange transformation before him.

"Who the fuck else would look this good in argyle? Nobody, that's who the fuck else." Jeff said. "I have the ability to shape shift into a human-like form at will but I hate the shit out of it and I hate pants and I hate Vincent for making me do this and I hate you two divas for not being able to help me set up the stage and I hate everything right now."

Jeff now had hands and he had the ability to curl up his right hand into a fist and hit Sebastian square in the nose. Sebastian clutched his face and started to bleed. Jeff smiled and looked quite satisfied rom the action of punching Sebastian in the face.

"Man, I have always wanted to do that." Jeff said.

"That hurt!" Sebastian said.

It took Jeff about ten minutes to set up the stage alone, compared to the twenty minutes it took to command Vincent to do it for him. He had to say that this was much easier, even though he hated being this way. It also made using the keyboard and synth equipment easier. It made pretty much easier but he still hated it because being in a body like this felt so wrong to him. He was in the wrong boy, everything about this felt weird and awkward and just plain fucked up to him. He couldn't really relax at all, and having thumbs, while convenient, was just totally weird. He wanted to be soft and fluffy and fat and walk on four legs. Now that he was a thumb-having bipedal, Sebastian had stopped waiting on him hand and foot.

"Ooo~ Look at these William! I bet they explode!" A red-headed woman Jeff knew was their neighbor was fucking around with the pyrotechnic equipment.

"Hey! Get the hell out of here." Jeff shouted at her.

"Make me." Grell said, sticking out her tongue.

William sighed from somewhere behind them. He was irritated that Grell dragged him to this, and was even more irritated that Grell made him sneak them both in here past the security when they already had tickets for the after-show party. It was even more irritating him that Grell was more excited in having sex with his rival rather than him. Not that she was going to but it wasn't like Sebastian didn't have a reputation for fucking whoever was brave enough to ask. He grabbed Grell by her long hair and dragged her off the stage before Jeff could get a chance to tell her a second time.

The show was going well, this was the first show where they had used actual fire. Twenty foot tall plumes of bright purple fire were set off at strategic points in the show. Every time they went off, it nearly scared Ciel shitless, making it difficult for Sebastian to sing without laughing during the songs. Not only were Grell and William in the audience, but Elizabeth also taken up the offer Ciel gave her. He was doing his best to possibly impress her, to show her that he was different and that he would do better this time.

This was the second to last song. They would setting off the fire works after this. Huge clouds of sparkling flames and wizzing colors would light up the stage. This part was what took so long for Jeff to prepare, for fireworks of this caliber were technically illegal but thy had called in several favors and they were going to make this happen. They were going to put a show on like nobody ever could. Ciel was going to impress Elizabeth and she was going to forgive him and things were going to put right again.

Jeff flipped the switch. Both Sebastian and Ciel had started the song but Sebastian's headset wasn't working and the cord going to the amp for Ciel's electric violin had been cut. The lights dimmed for a second before a different song had started to play. They all looked at each other. Two people skipped onto the stage, and they looked at this in wonder. This could not be happening. There was no way anyone could even get on to the stage in the middle of the concert, or fuck, even disconnect all the wiring. None of the synths were connected anymore. Instead, and entirely different song that none of them knew was starting to play. Jeff glared at Sebastian and Ciel and silently mouthed "what the fuck?"

_"It doesn't matter if you love him or capital H-I-M"_ the song played. _"Just put your paws up, 'cause you were born this way, baby."_

A blonde boy and his dark haired companion skipped onto stage as it started, starting their elaborate dance routine. Alois was dressed in his customary pink and red sparkling fairy wings, feather boa and thong. Claude wore an outfit that was clearly from 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'. Both Ciel and Sebastian were enraged by this sudden crashing of their event. The audience seemed entirely unphased, they just assumed this was a planned attack while it quite clearly wasn't.

_There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are_  
_She said, 'cause He made you perfect, babe_  
_So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far_  
_Listen to me when I say_

Alois and Claude mouthed the words to the song as they danced along with it. Sebastian and Ciel were now looking more than a little bit irritated, Jeff was ready to actually murder one of them. Yet, they remained confident in their ability to dance as if they weren't outnumbered 3-to-2 with a group of people who wanted to kill them for ruining their concert. Ciel was getting tired of Alois constantly trying to one up and garner his attention. He was going to put an end to this.

_I'm beautiful in my way_  
_'Cause God makes no mistakes_  
_I'm on the right track, baby_  
_I was born this way_

Ciel ripped the amp out of the violin and carefully set his bow on the floor. He approached Alois, standing behind him and lifting the violin high above his head and bashing it right on top of Alois's head. The hit smacked Trancy straight to the floor of the stage, but that did not stop Ciel from striking his face with the violin several more times. He hit Alois in the face until he was cut up from the sharp edges on the violin and he wouldn't stop until the boy had stopped screaming. For a second the audience was quiet, almost surprised by such a violent display. Then they cheered louder than ever, unable to hear the very not-staged cries of Alois over the pounding sounds of Lady Gaga.

_A different lover is not a sin_  
_Believe capital H-I-M_  
_I love my life, I love this record and_  
_Mi amore vole fe yah_

_Don't hide yourself in regret_  
_Just love yourself and you're set_  
_I'm on the right track, baby_  
_I was born this way, born this way_

Claude pulled Ciel off Alois and crushed the violin into little pieces and threw it into the audience, that cheered and grasped at the pieces. Jeff quickly ran over and closed the curtain and turned off all the sound as Sebastian tried to explain that whatever just happened wasn't an accident to the audience.

"Did you really need to bash his face in?" Jeff asked. "Because this is a fucking train wreck and half of it is your goddamn fault for beating on a defenseless human like that."

"He was asking for it." Ciel said, defending his actions. In his mind, this was totally justified.

"Your actions are deplorable and you know it. One hit would have been sufficient in stopping him." Sebastian told him. He was helping Claude stitch up a large cut that Ciel had put on the side of Alois's cheek. Alois did not really struggle or make any noises, he sat limp in Claude's lap and occasionally winced as Sebastian used vodka to clean his cuts off.

"You did a number on him. The blood splatter was spectacular!" Grell chimed in. "I am really impressed by the depth of the cut and the size of the pool." she commented. Right or wrong, Grell always loved a good blood show, the color of it, the way it splattered across her face as she stood by and cheered for it. She had never been one for the younger men but her heart really went out to Ciel.

"Are you going to be alright?" Claude asked, Alois nodded his head weakly and let Claude hold him in his arms. Honestly, Alois didn't mind the beating as long as Claude would spoil him with attention and praise afterwards. Which he did, and so Alois enjoyed everything about this. The crashing the concert, the ruining of Ciel's reputation as artist, the attention Claude gave him after it. All of it was totally worth it.


	25. the cost of ciel phantomhive

_Happy Sunday, everyone! So I'm trusting that anyone who has read this far into this story definitely did not get raptured Saturday. :D _

_I am going on a fan fiction writing hiatus so I probably won't update this in some time. I will however, be cosplaying as Superhell! designed Sebastian at Otakon. I am also posting original fiction, and fan art on my deviant art account. So if you want to be scared half-way to death, go watch me on DA. All my social networking links are in my profile, but my DA-specific username is "theamazingfetus"._

_Side note- The first draft of this story is well over 200 chapters long, so this is far from the end of Superhell! And I hope you'll all read it to the very end. I promise it won't suck entirely so I hope that you will all continue to read my story in the future._

"I honestly can't believe you, Jeff. Do we even have the budget for this?" Ciel asked.

"According to the kind of math that band managers do, yes. We not only have the budget but this will increase our attendance which will increase popularity which will increase profit." Jeff said, hitting Ciel over the head with a clip board.

"Remember master, none of this would have happened if you didn't bludgeon Alois over the head with your violin." Sebastian told him. Ciel continued to defend his position as 'totally not the reason this is happening right now', though nobody else supported it.

"Yeah." Alois said, looking at himself in a small compact mirror. "I'm still pulling splinters out of my fucking face, you prick." He took a pair of tweezers and pulled a black splinter of wood out of his cheek. He set the tiny shard of wood next to about fifteen other tiny shards of wood that were also pulled out of his face and used a tissue to sop up the blood.

Jeff set out a piece of paper on the table in their hotel suite. Claude put on his glasses, even though he would never actually need them, and read through the paper. From time to time he would whisper something in Alois's ear and Alois would nod along. Alois could read English, just barely but not only was the reading level entirely beyond him, it was also written in a language that humans wouldn't even have the ability to pronounce. Claude and Alois conversed by themselves whispering into each others ears for a few minutes while Jeff sat in front of them hoping they wouldn't press charges. He didn't put Ciel's violent out breaks in the budget.

"Yeah. We'll join the band." Alois said.

"With one minor stipulation." Claude added in. Jeff glared at him.

"What the fuck is it? I'm pretty sure that pay would be good enough." Jeff asked. With the amount of money they'd be making, there shouldn't be any complaints. He even gave them an upfront bonus if they promised not to tell anyone Ciel had nearly killed a human.

"Oh, the pay is lovely, thank you. I would like to have sex with Ciel. Once." Claude said.

"I can arrange that." Jeff said. That sounded completely reasonable to him.

"NO." Ciel said, crossing his arms. "I'm not having sex with him! I'm not some kind of sex toy you can use in legal negotiations."

"According to our contract- yes you are. Now go suck him off in the bathroom or something so he can sign the form and we'll be done with this."

"No." Ciel said. He was not going to do this.

"Why not? I'm not saying you two fairies have to spoon afterwards. Just fuck him and get it over with."

"I will not have sex with Claude. For any reason."

"If you don't fuck him, you're paying that ten million dollar settlement out of your own pocket."

"Fine. I will have sex with Claude." Ciel sighed.

"Claude, you so owe me! I told you he'd say yes!" Alois cheered.

"So it officially costs ten million dollars to nail Ciel Phantomhive." Jeff said. He patted the top of Ciel's head. "Don't feel bad. At least you're not Slutbastian, he doesn't even charge money for sex anymore. He has to actually pay others to have sex with him."

"That was entirely a joke. The contract itself just read that we would play that little game with you. Though if you are willing to have sex with me, I wouldn't say no." Claude said, stifling a laugh.

"That is a sick joke." Ciel said.

"Your entire life is a sick joke." Jeff corrected Ciel on his statement.

In under a second, Jeff was back to his normal state. Now that he didn't have to carry around heavy equipment, it was cat time again. He always felt more comfortable as a cat. Being 'hooman' felt wrong to him. He was born a cat, raised as a cat, and he'd die as a cat when/if that time ever came. Even turning into that form for a few days drained him so much physically and emotionally that he'd have to nap twenty hours a day instead of his usual eighteen just to relive him of the stress. Being a cat was so nice, it must really suck to be anything else.

"Fuck me." Alois said.

He was sitting on Claude's lap with Jeff in his lap. Next to him was a stack of instruction manuals, cords, and a massive modular synth. In the front sat Ciel with all the stage costumes in his lap. Sebastian was driving, there was about two million dollars worth of explosives in the truck. They were packed together more closely than any of them ever wanted to be inside of Vincent's rather small car. Alois complained quite loudly, while Jeff occasionally hissed or growled at him to shut up before sleeping on the dashboard in front of what Sebastian was trying to see.

Sebastian's house was exactly left as had been, except that a large tour bus was parked on his beautiful lawn. It was painted entirely black with red trims and bobbles- a true vision of auto machinery aesthetics, a fucking landmass of awesome. Yet all he could think of is that his lawn was wrecked, and his tiny pink lawn flamingo was beyond the aid of duct tape. On the door of the van was a note fro mthe devil herself, written on red paper with black glittery ink.

_'Jeff told me that you were in need of a better means of transportation. I am letting you borrow this vehicle because he requested it. I took the liberty of putting the furniture from your house into the bus, and I also stocked up your liquor cabinet as a gift from me to you. In exchange for this grand permission to use my bus, you are playing at the annual intergalactic cultural exchangement ball on Pandorus-57. I will be there with Beelzebub, Mr. Spears and Party Cat. Do not fuck this up or you will be sent to the Ministry of Punishment for [information crossed out]. With Love and Good Feelings to you- Lucille'_

"We're playing at the ball?" Jeff asked. He was so shocked, filled with so much joy that he nearly fell off Sebastian's shoulder in excitement.

"What's that, Sebastian?"

"The highest complement any musician can get is getting invited to play this."

"Then how the hell did your amateur asses get invited?" Alois asked. "I can think of many musicians who could play you off any stage, but you two get an invite? You're both an insult to your entire race and this is how you're rewarded for it? I've never been so happy to be human at this point, at least my race won't be shamed by your display." he huffed. Claude nodded in agreement while both Ciel and Sebastian just glared at him. Jeff couldn't have given a fraction of a fuck about the tiny human's opinion.

"Can it, Alois." Ciel said.

Claude backed the van off Sebastian's lawn. Sebastian shrieked at the damage done to his expensive sodded grass. He had to have that sod imported from Earth! It was outrageously expensive, and now there were massive tracks gauged into the sod, showing of the purple colored dirt below. Shards of his precious lawn flamingo (also imported) were imbedded into the dirt. Claude then took out the only part of his white picket fence that was still standing. He then parallel parked the bus across the street with inhuman precision. He probably didn't have to run down the fence. He just wanted to.

"My lawn!" Sebastian cried.

"Oh, won't you get over it? It's just your house."

"My possessions are the only thing I have left." Sebastian groaned. This was entirely true. He no longer controlled his own actions, always a victim of Ciel's whim and ludicrous desire. He was always shameless to a degree but he fell through the glass floor he previously had. He was a whore to the choices everyone made for him, without consideration do he wanted to do. He was a slave to the end.

"Until Gwendolyn is through with you." Claude told him, laughing at him.

"Who?" Ciel asked.

"Nobody." both Claude and Sebastian said. They looked at each other. Gwendolyn's existence was on a 'need to know' basis and nobody else would ever need to know. Even Claude knowing was a fluke, but it was hard to convince yourself that a woman didn't exist when you've fucked her silly in front of her husband on their kitchen table. She was the woman he would consider ever sleeping with, except maybe Hannah, but Hannah was a woman that couldn't be compared to others.

It had been about three hours since they left Sebastian's residence. They had only stopped or a second to grab Jeff some lunch from the fridge. Soon enough, Alois was bitching an moaning about being hungry and the only thing they had in the entire bus was a few pounds of human flesh and liquor. Claude expressly forbade Alois from drinking any thing alcoholic, as he was a violently psychotic drunk which left cannibalism as his only option.

Ciel looked at Alois prepare himself fried human with a sense of sick amusement. He was truly astonished at the fact that Alois was actually able to cook, not to mention it smelled pretty tasty. Alois saw no need for forks, not that ever did, and ate it with his hands. Ciel drank a literal bloody Mary at the table. Sebastian and Claude were fighting over directions and dozens of other things in the front while Jeff excused himself to the small bedroom and threatened a slow and painful death on anyone who dared to disrupt his orange fluffy slumber.

"You're eating that?" Ciel asked.

"Well duh."

"That's human." Ciel said.

"Maybe if you grew up the way I did instead of being such a spoiled child, you would understand why this doesn't really bother me." Alois told him. This was far from the first time he'd eaten human though it was probably the first time he had done it in a way so refined. If one could call beer battering and frying human flesh 'refined'.

"Claaauuuude." Alois groaned out. "I'm still hungry! Get me somethiiiiiiing."

"I'm busy teaching the poor excuse of a butler over here how to actually do proper math."

"Don't call me a poor excuse, you pedophile!" Sebastian shouted at him.

"Shut up. The cat is sleeping and I'm hungry so you better get me something before I decide to fuck with the food chain by eating one of you." Alois threatened.

"Fine." Claude took out his wallet and tossed it back to Alois. "We can stop at a grocery store so you can buy food. Get whatever you want but no caffeine, alcohol or psychoactive drugs- understood?" Claude instructed him, halting the tour bus. Alois stood up and kissed him on the cheek.

"Okaay."

"Bring Ciel with you and do not cause trouble." Claude told him.

Ciel groaned while Alois took him by the hand and sipped merrily into the grocery store. He felt nearly embarrassed by this. Alois never seemed to dress like a presentable member of society. He always wore bring colors, bracelets, necklace, hair bows, skirts, dresses even. Ciel was not much more of a better dresser, Sebastian still dressed him every day and it was obvious. He always wore black, sometimes with silver jewelry. He wore rings on every finger, skin tight pants and chains dangled down from his neck to his chest in the shape of a human ribcage.

Still, Ciel found Alois incredibly tacky. There was a certain grace in Ciel's bony white body, the way he moved, the slight glitter from shiny PVC and silver chains. Alois was a just neon colored fairy flittering here an there with no sense of purpose. He looked cluttered and mismatched, but Alois didn't care. He dressed that way because he wanted to look just as happy and free as he felt on the inside. Ciel often dressed for the same reasons as to how he dressed as human. Proper, with dignity, to impress others, and with just the slightest touch of morbid gothic sensibilities.

Alois already had half of the cart filled with candy and coffee beverages. Ciel didn't give a fuck, he wouldn't tell Claude and he wouldn't dare to tell Alois to put it back. He would do anything to make Alois stop being such a distraction. People were already staring at them, and not because Ciel was famous, either. Ciel guessed that if you lived on the same planet with Marie Antoinette and Hitler simultaneously, seeing a pop star wouldn't phase you much. But seeing an underage boy dressed live a rave slut? Well, that got people looking at Ciel like he was the one fucking him every night.

"Ciiiiieeel. You're not going to tell Claude if I buy some booze, right?" he asked.

"No. I will say that I bought it for myself." Ciel sighed.

"Good, because if you don't I will make a huge spectacle of myself right here and now." Alois said. He threw in some massive package of condoms. Ciel was not aware that you could buy condoms in bulk amounts but he knew that if anyone was going to find something to do condoms in bulk without half o them expiring, it was probably Alois.

"I'll cover for you, okay? Now stop acting like such a child." Ciel told him.

"Oh, I'm acting like a child, am I? Well, then dear Ciel let me tell you something._ I LIKE TO BE WINED AND DINED BEFORE I GET FUCKED._" Alois screamed out, mostly in Ciel's ear.

At that moment every pony in that grocery store stared at Alois and Ciel. What they saw was a teenage demon with a human child dressed up like a little slut with a shopping cart full of booze, condoms and anal lube. What they didn't know is that Ciel wasn't having sex with any one and that Alois wasn't supposed to drink in the first place and Alois was just being a little bitch.

"I hate you so much right now." Ciel said.

"Love you too, honey. Now go pay for this shit before I start shouting about my favorite sex position."

The clerk was as polite as anyone could be. Alois slapped Ciel's ass on the way out of the super market hard enough to make a loud smacking sound. Every one, once again, turned to glare at them. Ciel sighed and regretting ever going any where near Alois. When they walked back into the tour bus, Claude and Sebastian were fighting with each other over something or other.

"What did I tell you about drinking when you're on your medication?" Claude asked Alois.

"It's not mine, Ciel bought it!"

"After the stunt you pulled in the store, I am not covering for you any more. Deal with it." Ciel said. He retreated into the bedroom, knowing that Jeff didn't mind any one else being in there provided that they were silent and did not wake his furry napping.

"I am still not letting you drink it. You know that you can't be off your medication."

"Why not, what is the worst that could possibly happen?" Alois rolled his eyes, but Claude's composure remained firm and quite disapproving.

"Well, should I remind you of the murdering? Or how about theft? Or car jacking?" The demon lectured him, but Alois still didn't care.

"Oh come on Claude, those were just playful shenanigans!" he whined.

"You will take your medication, and you will not do anything that interferes with the effectiveness of your medication. If you don't do that, then I will ask Hannah for permission to beat you." Claude threatened him, and Alois knew that Hannah was still angry at him and she'd probably say yes and she probably wouldn't let him see his brother again a long time. He really didn't want to obey Claude, but Claude's decisions were air tight. There would be no loopholes to save him, not this time.

"But Claude." Alois protested, wrapping his arms around Claude's neck.

"Do you really want to go back there again?" Claude asked.

"No."

"Then listen to me, or I'll make it happen."

"Fine then."

Ciel decided to take a nap with Jeff, though he didn't have any need to nap. He just still enjoyed the bliss that came with sleep. If you have ever gone days without sleeping, even if your body doesn't need sleep, the feeling of soft blankets and warmness has no other comparison. Sleep was something pleasurable for even demons, and Ciel once again found himself in the bad habit of habitual, unneeded napping. Alois, as a boy who actually needed to sleep, soon joined Ciel in the bed and spooned around him for warmth. Claude had denied the boy a warm snuggle so Alois would get his cuddle on with another man. The only other man suitable for the job was Ciel, and Ciel was a joy to snuggle. While he wouldn't ever admit to this particular skill, Ciel was the most magnificent teddy bear Alois had ever known.


	26. soul rotting

_Finished up my superhell! sebastian (slutbastian) costume early so my weekly update schedule resumes as of now! I haven't updates since May and I hope that many of the upcoming "extra features" added to this story such as band interviews, videos, contests (with prizes!) and fake-advertisement posters will only help make this story even better. I have a lot of weird shit planned to add to this, but most of it will be uploaded to the 'official superhell! companion' which is known as "It's Always Sunny in Hell". Also my DA account will home to much of this. _

_Because 'official superhell! companion' sounded too pretentious and the last thing I want to be is some conceited douche kuroshit fan who refers to themsleves and their "clique" as 'goddesses'. I really dislike it when fanwork creators get all high and might about creating fan stuff and start coming off with all these fanclubs they've made for themselves, their OC's and their boring stories and terrible shiny-shiny desu art. So please add "It's Always Sunny to Hell" to your subscribe list if you haven't already! I promise it'll be fun and I promise you that'll try my best to not be a conceited douche and provide you all with entertainment and free stuff. _

Ciel wasn't sure how Claude had snuck into the locked bedroom or why or how Alois had suddenly disappeared or why he was pinned underneath Claude. He also didn't want to know why he actually enjoyed it. He had always assumed that Claude would be a bit on the rough side in bed, but really, he was fairly gentle and Ciel actually consented to this. He cleared remembers that he said 'yes!' a bit too loudly and Claude might've slapped him for it. It felt just right as Ciel sat straight up in bed and opened his eyes. Jeff was next to him, with one eye open.

"Hey, either go back to sleep or shut up. You moan in your sleep and it's weirding me the fuck out."

Ciel sighed and turned around, laying back down on the large bed that was probably orgy-sized. At least that whole 'sleeping with Claude and really liking it' thing was all some kind of nightmare cause by years of sexual repression. Before he shut his eyes again and enjoyed a peaceful way to ignore reality, he saw two amber eyes staring back at him. He muttered out 'fuck' silently before heading back to sleep. He wasn't sure whether or not he had actually slept with Claude, and there was a point where he stopped caring about his repressed pansexuality. This was that point in his life.

Every morning, at the same time, Claude and Alois would both do exercises for a total of approximately thirty earth-minutes, then spend the next forty doing acting and vocal exercises. Jeff was always booking gigs, phoning up others for favors, hiring up people to create web pages and fliers. Sebastian and Ciel would go days on end completely ignoring the fact they were in a band. Sebastian would get hopelessly drunk to the point here the only thing he could do was cry and stare into the ceiling and lament over the unfortunate path his life had taken. Ciel had found a fondness for drugs, violent pornography and copious masturbation.

"Are you two going to actually contribute anything to the discussion?" Alois asked.

The four of them sat at the table while some how, Jeff manned up the driving. Claude and Alois were conversing over dance moves and how it aligned with the music that Sebastian composed. They ere engaging in each other in conversation, while Claude too notes on the important points. Ciel was some what out-of-it, staring down the empty bottom of the tea cup he had filled with rum. Sebastian pretending to look at what Claude wrote down, but he was just day dreaming.

"You two are shameful." Claude said. "You put in no effort or passion into your art. It's sickening. Even if your music is mediocre at best and the least you could do is pretend like it isn't on purpose."

"Why bother?" Ciel asked.

"Because- that's fucking why." Alois told him.

Both he and Claude put more effort into one of their pop music dance covers than Ciel and Sebastian put into that entire album. They slaved away, day after day. If they weren't practicing, they were talking about practicing. Sure they occasionally fucked or went out on dates with each other or did some art but the vast majority of time they spent was done on their dancing. They wouldn't be any less than their best, and they got better every day. Both Claude and Alois cared about the quality of what they did- for anyone else to not care was almost offensive to them.

"All you two have done is get intoxicated, mope around, self-pleasure and sleep. You are so popular that you control a small portion of our interplanetary economy, and neither of you could spare a single moment of time in a vast space of time you both have to even care." Claude complained, though his complaints more than entirely justified.

"That is true." Sebastian said.

"You used to put all of yourself in your work. The both of you are shameful to just be around."

"Apathy is the disease of the soul." Alois said, looking directly into Ciel's eyes.

"I have no soul." Ciel said.

"It doesn't exempt you." Claude said.

Alois was at the end of his rope and he needed a break from all of this. He actually used to look up at Ciel because he was so 'cool' and because he took his duties as the Queen's watchdog so seriously. When ever he made public appearance, he was so regal. When Alois had to pretend that he was a normal noble, he used Ciel as his inspiration. Ciel had risen above the death of his parents to be the head of a successful company, he had a beautiful fiancé, he had a goddamned empire. Ciel was everything Alois wanted to be. Now he knew that Ciel was just like everyone else. He was a total fucking let down.

"Claude, I need a day off. Take me out some where." Alois said.

"As you wish, love." Claude said, taking Alois by the hand the same way a prince would lead his princess.

Claude was already ready after taking a hot iron to his curly locks. He thought for a second that he should cut his hair short again, just to avoid the annoyance. Alois took longer, because he was always working on his art, he didn't always have the time or energy to dress the way he wanted to. He wore bright purple eye shadow and a pale blue top with sparkly black shorts with sequins on them. His hair was adorned with fake flowers, and his lips had a layer of pink lipstick. He thought it looked cute and cheerful, he liked being cute for Claude. Claude, even at his happiest, was just so damn moody and gloomy. Alois thought that Claude could stand to smile more, so he dressed smile-worthy.

Jumping out of a moving bus that sped by at hundreds of miles an hour was no problem for Claude, though Alois had to close his eyes and hope he didn't fuck up and miss the jump into Claude's arms. Claude held him bridal style, and it was miles away from anything and Alois wore heels so it was practically mandatory that he carry him. Claude couldn't complain, he always enjoyed the physical closeness between them. When they were together before he couldn't say it. He didn't have the words for it. He wasn't in a position to say it. He didn't even know it. Now he did.

It was a lovely day in hell. Not too hot, at a very low, nearly freezing temperature of one hundred and thirty-five degrees. Alois walked beside Claude, holding hands with them against the shore. The water was nothing refreshing, the temperature of lukewarm bath water; but it was nice to see how many times Alois could threaten to wreck Claude's hair before Claude got pissed off at him. Twenty four. They shared the landscape with nobody else, a thick jungle like blanket of forest blocked the entrance to the thin strip of rust-colored sand that made up the beach. Alois held up a green and purple colored flower, he thought that o place, not on earth, not anywhere else in this vast universe, could be more perfect.

"I love you." he said. Alois kissed him on the corner of his mouth. He snuck the flower into Claude's hair and braided it in place before he had the chance to protest it.

"I love you too, you emotionless rock."

"I'm not emotionless, I just don't show them often. There is a difference." Claude clarified. Alois almost ignored him, watching the vast green and blue sea wash up against the shore. He was entrance the simple rocking motion, or really, any rocking motion could captivate him.

Claude knew what time it was, and he took out a bottle of water and three pills. Alois obediently put them in his mouth and swallowed. He didn't put up an argument. He didn't want to ruin the moment with his bitching or by the eventual break down that would happen if he didn't. Claude knew that he would take his pills with out complaint, this time, anyways. Some days were better than others and chemicals could not always compensate for the sometime crippling delusions caused by Alois's brain chemistry. Yet, every time that Claude wanted to beat him senselessly for it in the past, had been replaced by the overwhelming urge to take care of him.

"You have gotten better." Alois said. By this of course, he meant that Claude had given up everything, including his own physical body, to be with him. Or at least that's how Alois saw it.

"So have you." Claude said, though he wasn't entirely truthful and might very well never be.

"Even if I'll never be cured, will you always love me?" Alois asked. He held Claude's hand and rested his head against his shoulder while kicking up sand with his bare feet. This is what they would call paradise, or what most people would call 'heaven'. Alois wasn't sure if 'heaven' was real, or if he would even make it past the front door (he sure as hell wouldn't); but if a place like this, the place that everyone was told to stay away from or threatened with was so perfect- then why call it hell anyways? Couldn't hell just be considered heaven for demons and those who love them? "Why would I ever not love you?"

"Fuck, I don't know. I just don't wanna' see us turn out like those two." Alois admitted.

He'd would rather die a second time than have what he considered a paradise ruined by whatever ruined Ciel's. Laziness ruined Ciel, Alois thought. Yet he noticed that while Lizzie had some how managed to get her away into the after life, that she was no longer seeing him. If anything, it seemed like she wanted nothing to do with the boy she loved so very much in her life time. Alois feared that if he ever stopped loving Claude or if something even worse happened to him, that he'd end up exactly like Ciel.

"Apathetic and full of directionless hate turned into stupidity and drug abuse?" Claude asked. Alois snickered a little bit, always amused by his sparsely-said and incredibly dry sense of humor. Claude always new what to say, even thought he didn't speak too much. Alois always spoke too much and didn't know what the fuck the words coming out of his mouth were half the time. Together they made one partially useable scrap of a sentient being.

"Let's never be that."


	27. whats your excuse

_Funfact: I am designing Super Hell (as in the band) t-shirts. I was gonna' make it for personal use only, but I figured that if there were any interest I'd open a cafepress shop to sell some and donate any profits made to a cat-related charity organization. After all, there are many cats out there who don't have loving homes or demon slaves to spoil them day in and day out. Please make your voice heard if you're interested in this!_

"Whatcha' doing, Ciel?" Alois asked, draping his over Ciel and leaning against him as he typed on Sebastian's computer. "Working on lyrics?"

"No. Something else." Ciel said, pushing Alois away. Alois could not be pushed away, the second someone would try, he'd come back with twice the enthusiasm.

"Ciel's pallid skin was set a haunted, ethereal glow against the auspicious sky, the blood-drop crimson orbs set a-fire with the look of lust. Sebastian nibbled and suckled and bit and pecked and licked his neck, as if to claim his final marvelous prize. The overwhelming sensual desires between the two of them…" Alois trailed off as he continued to the story Ciel write with a surprised, but not really that surprised look on his face. Ciel sighed, of course he knew just how jacked up this looked to someone who didn't know the full story about why exactly he was writing smut about himself and Sebastian.

"Ciel, what the fuck are you writing?" Alois asked.

"It's a long story." Ciel said. He felt like he was going to have to share it now that Alois had discovered his dirty, purple-prose covered secret.

"Claaaauuude." Alois called out. Claude was by his side before he had even finished saying his name in some elongated, irritating syllable. "Ciel has a story, we should listen to it together." Claude sat down across the table from Ciel with a far-too-happy Alois on his lap.

"Go on." Claude said.

"Well, surely you know about Melissa Rosewell?" Ciel asked. They looked at him in a way that said, 'no, we really don't, please tell us more'.

"She was a girl who had contracted Sebastian far before I came about. She subjected too far too much torture and trouble than she was worth, so he ended their contract by killing her. Because he clearly does not think things through she was sent to hell where she ha since made a living on writing prose about him under the name 'Virgin of the Luna'. She has a massive, almost insane party of fans who also write stories about him, and more recently, I and my father. This has made her incredibly popular and she does not take the slightest bit of criticism. Every time we would tell her to stop or at least not be such an awful writer, he hoards of fans would start cyber terrorism tactics against us.

Ms. Rosewell would stalk Sebastian when he was in hell, and eventually moved in next door to the condominium connected to Sebastian's. After we had tried everything else, my father dressed as a decoy copy of Sebastian to distract her while I shot her in the head fifteen times. After that we buried her body in Sebastian's backyard and built up a Japanese garden pond over it. In order to make it appear as if we have not killed her, Sebastian and I write underneath her one name over the internet to keep her obnoxious fan base from being suspicious about any recent losses. After we killed her we got bored of life, and then we started this band." Ciel said.

Alois and Claude just looked at him like, '_what the fuck did you get your sorry ass into this time, Ciel?_' before they burst out in laughter.

"Wait- YOU'RE Luna? I love her shit, man! I thought her recent stuff was different but I had no idea!" Alois had to have Claude read to him most of the time, but even though he had the reading level of a small child he still managed to enjoy Luna's writing. The fact that he had the reading level and over all knowledge of the English language of a small child was probably why he enjoyed them. Claude personally found them revolting, but Sebastian was his frienemy who wants to read about their enemies getting it on besides a mentally ill little boy?

"You have horrible taste in literature. Absolutely horrible." Ciel said, rolling his eyes.

"I can barely read. What is your excuse for being a shitty writer?"

"I am pretending to be a terrible writer online to prevent being charged with murder."

"Not that, your other writings. They're terrible." Alois said. Ciel knew he wasn't that bad at writing, or in the very least he wasn't on VOTL (Virgin of the Luna) levels of shitty words-craftsmanship. The fact that he wasn't nearly as bad as he pretended to be, was good enough for Ciel.

"Are you talking about Melissa Roswell?" Sebastian asked.

"Yes." Claude said. "Those mentally insane women just can't stay away from you, can they?"

"Don't say it in that tone of yours. Both you and I know I'd rather die than spend a night with any of them."

"You say that now and then I'll find you in bed with one of them later on."

"Are you calling me a hypocrite, you sneaky spider bastard?"

"What are you going to do about it if I am?"

Sebastian grabbed Jeff and threw him at Claude. Of course this meant that nobody was driving the tour bus but at the time, Jeff had gotten so incredibly stoned that he put on auto-manual. However, the auto manual setting on the tour bus was something that ha just been perfected by Lucille and so, nobody else was aware that the bus could drive itself. Jeff was far too busy panicking by clawing at Claude's face and yowling to really inform them of this.

"What in the hell is wrong with you?" Claude shouting at Sebastian. He punched him the face, which led Sebastian to punch him back, which led to a full-on fist fight.

"I put ten dollars on Sebs." Jeff said.

"Samesies. I fucked Claude into the mattress last night so he is probably still tired from that." Alois said in a far too casual way. Jeff just shook his head in response to this. Sexuality seemed so stupid to him.

"Of course you did." Jeff said. He gave Sebastian's exposed stomach a quick swipe of his claws before he returned to the drivers seat of the bus and promptly took a cat nap on it.

"Should we worried that our driver feel asleep at the wheel?" Alois asked.

"Yes." Claude said. "Very much so. _JEFF._" he yelled.

"p...it...'" Jeff muttered before wrapping his paws around his face and curling into a ball of cat blubber.

"What?" Alois said, not yet able to translate Half-asleep-Jeff-blabber.

"This bus has an autopilot system." Sebastian said.

"A what?" Alois asked.

"It drives itself."

"I don't get it."

"Neither do I, it's a Satan thing. She makes really high tech items that she doesn't often put on the market because she hasn't deemed it necessary for society to have them." Sebastian explained. He had been to Lucille's house on several occasions and aside from being a vast palatial mansion inside of a house the size of his bedroom, it was really beyond anything that one could imagine without having been there.

Claude was busy doing the singular thing that calmed his nerves, crochet. Now he also enjoyed origami, interpretative dance, knitting and tatting, but at the moment in time he only had a singular crochet hook and a ball of string-thick yarn. His pace was both rapid and relaxed, Claude was lost in the zen of his work, completely ignorant to the world around him. Until he felt a slight tugging on the other end of the yarn. He ignored me but like a fish on the end of a pole, the tension kept increasing then suddenly jumped back and forth.

He looked down and his eyes met two round eyes looking up at him. Jeff continued to bat at the thread, even going as far as to jump up on his lap and slap at his crochet hook. Claude sighed and tried to shift away from the cat, but Jeff would not be swayed. He even took the slight opportunity to swat at Claude's hair before going back to the ball of thread. He smacked at it until it fell out of Claude's reach and rolled across the room, leaving a trail of pure thrills for the Scottish fold. Jeff leaped after it, rolling around in the string and eventually tangling himself in it.

"Do you mind?" Claude asked.

"Not at all, you're not distracting me." Jeff said.

That wasn't what Claude meant. Jeff didn't care.


	28. extreme home makeover: life edition

_People continue to plagiarize this story, and my design concepts for it without the slightest apology, nor comment, nor alert, nor consideration for me as an artist. This has become a norm for me that no artist should ever have to face. I recently opened a charity shop (zazzle [dot com slash] superhell4charity) for fake band merch. **ALL profits go to the ASPCA**. All requests for custom items to be posted for sale can either be posted as reviews, messaged to me or emailed to me (demon-milklive dot com). If I catch any one even thinking of profiting from my designs, well, I have no moral dilemmas concerning cannibalism. You've been warned. _

"They are so irritating to be around." Alois said.

Sebastian sat at the table with a bottle in one hand, a razor-sharp scalpel he used to cut fabric with in the other. He twirled it with his clumsy drunkard finger tips, looking at nothing but the shininess. As a crow, he was easily seduced and bewildered with shiny objects. They were his thing. He wished upon the shining star in the scalpel's gleam that Ciel would be human again, so he could kill him. He'd stab him again and again and again and again until the screaming stopped and a few more times more after that to make sure he was really dead that time. He wouldn't even eat the soul. He'd cut his losses and be over it.

"They need like, I don't know. A fuckin' life make-over or something. It's painful looking at them."

Ciel was in the bedroom, napping. His daily schedule often included eating, getting stoned, napping, napping, maybe some writing and then another nap. Because he'd really been working hard all day. The amount of work he had to do from day to night was just the exact definition of 'stressful', never mind that he did not actually do a single fucking anything in the times when he was awake.

"I used to be jealous of them." Claude said. "I have not an idea as to what I was thinking."

"You weren't, you derp." Alois said.

A 'morning' for Alois consisted of whatever location in time he would wake up. The first thing he did was brush teeth and give Claude a morning kiss. Then he would eat breakfast and take his medication which varied between three and fifteen pills depending on how he felt that day. Some days were great, some days were tolerable and others were just prolonged episodes where he couldn't even stand himself. Alois had no idea how Claude could put up with him. Usually he shared his morning toast with cheese with Jeff who sat at Alois's feet, pawed at his ankles and meowed until he got something.

After breakfast, he would get dressed in his dancing clothes, with were just spandex shorts and a tank top. Claude would clear out the kitchen and living room in the bus and they would practice for an hour or two. Somewhere in this time frame, Ciel would come out from his cave underneath the covers of sloth and grab some drugs. Not the make-you-sane drugs, but rather the make-you-forget-life-and-sleep kind of drugs. He might bitch at Sebastian about something and Sebastian might just groan and do nothing.

"I think most of their shit is because they hate each other." Alois said. Claude nodded.

"So… let me guess, and I ain't cheating here, you two are going to try and make them not hate each other?" Jeff asked. Claude stroked him behind the ear.

"Precisely." Claude said.

"Well, I'm gonna' surf extra dimensions until you're done. I'm not sticking around for that clusterfuck." Jeff said and was no longer sitting there.

"You can fix Sebs and I'll fix Ciel, okaaay?" Alois asked.

"We'll meet up to compare results in eight hours before proceeding."

"Got it."

Ciel was in bed and Alois took hold of his hand, dragging him out of the bed and unto the floor. Ciel groaned, looked up at him for a second, and then crawled back into the bed and wrapped himself in a fluffy blankety cocoon. Alois pulled him out again, and sat him into the walk-in shower where he turned on the faucet to 'really goddamn cold'.

"Good morning, Ciel!" he cheered. Ciel looked up at him with long wet hair that hung over his face like that possessed demon girl from 'the ring'.

"I hate you." Ciel groaned.

"Nope!" Alois said. "I'm gonna make your life all happy-wappy. Or I'll just fucking stab you in the neck with a fork until you let me. Really, I don't care which one it is but either way I am fixing you."

"I'm not in any need of your fixing." Ciel said.

"Yes you are. Trust me. I'm your sassy gay friend." Alois told him.

The first step to satisfying Alois's ludicrous demands to 'repair' him was for Ciel to let him do his hair and his make up. This included a hair cut, that Ciel didn't want and fought back against. Alois may have accidentally stabbed him a few times and drew blood all over the bath room counter, and it might have looked less than decent in Ciel's opinion, but Alois did manage to give him a much-needed hair cut. His hair hung plainly past his shoulders and half-way down his back in a blue-black witchy mess that was illgroomed, untamed and most unbecoming to him. Alois had managed to give him some slightly uneven bangs and cut about four inches of split ends from it.

"See, you look… better." Alois turned Ciel so that he could face the vanity. Even Alois winced at his hack job, though it was an improvement… kind of. Not really.

"I look like a lunatic attacked me with a pair of scissors." Ciel said. He reached up to feel one of his horns, which Alois had chipped in the process.

"The politically correct term is mentally ill, Ciel." Alois corrected him.

When Alois got out the makeup, Ciel was as well-behaved as a demon child could be. The ding he received was exceptionally painful, as was any contact he received to his horns. Such as knocking them against head boards, windows, and car doors. All very painful things, all about a hundred times worse than stubbing your toe. Alois put on a thick layer of foundation, something Ciel hated, and an even thicker dusting of shimmer to his cheeks and nose. He glowered at Alois as he applied the rhinestone-covered false eyelashes to the outer corners of his eyes.

"Why are you doing this, again?" Ciel asked.

"Because I am sick of looking at your sorry mopey ass all day."

"Since when is that any of your business."

"Since I made it my business. Now shut up and stop complaining."

Sebastian was being semi-productive, and was at least attempting to write music. Of course, he was so completely plowed that he could not muster up the energy or concentration to make a single mark on the paper, but for what it was worth, he was at least making an attempt. Claude remembered a time in which he wasn't like this, and was in fact, talented, sober, and very productive. He had friends, he had a larger house, he spent time with only the highest on the demonic popularity charts.

Things had really gone down hill for him, though Claude couldn't say he felt sorry for Sebastian. Everything that happened was not only his own damn fault, but also deserved. If he just given up Ciel Phantomhive's soul- none of this would have happened. Still, he had made a deal with Alois and he would keep that deal. Plus, Claude had nothing better to do. It was hard to get anything in a band done when half of the band is incapacitated by their own existential depression.

"Are you going to do anything but sit around feeling sorry yourself?" Claude asked.

"Fuck off." Sebastian said. He reached for his glass but Claude took his anti-sobering devices away from him, to which Sebastian only looked at him like he was going to murder him.

"If you don't give me my things back, I will run you through with a sword for a second time."

"Do it."

Sebastian tried to go after him, lunging forward to grab the bottle from him, but ended up stumbling and falling on the floor and ragging down a lap top and about a few dozen wires with him. If this wasn't rock bottom, than neither he or Claude could really know what that meant. Claude decided that he was a lost cause and resigned himself to getting hammered until Alois demanded to know what 'progress' he had made with Sebastian. Which to say, was nothing at all.

He couldn't force Sebastian to do anything he didn't really want to, and he wasn't feeling up to it. Claude could have bitched at him all day, but it wouldn't have done shit. So instead, Claude had assigned Sebastian the duty of being his personal foot stool while he moped on the floor and Claude drank all of his booze. He'd make it up to Alois with some lovely sex, and everything would be solved.

"Do you even know how to drive this?" Ciel asked, looking at the hydrogen-fueled black and shiny masterpiece in front of him known as Claude's massive motor cycle.

"I've seen Claude drive dozens of times, how hard can it be?" Alois asked. This should have been the first warning sign, yet Ciel got on the bike behind him anyways and secured his arms just above the boys waist.

Alois could just hardly reach the foot pedals on the behemoth, and he could only reach them because his sneakers, for some unfashionable reason, had large chunky heels on them. He revved up the ignition and the bike flew off unto the road at top speed in under a few seconds. In this speed, Alois decided to kick it of by attempting to do a 'wheelie', which resulted in Ciel losing his grip and falling off the bike.

"Fuck!" Ciel shouted out. "Alois, stop the damn bike! Listen to me you fucking idiot!"

Though unfortunately for Ciel, his clothing was not clothing so much as a large collection of chains that looped around the bike. He was dragged on for a few hundred feet, screaming as loud as he could for Alois to stop before Alois pulled over to the shoulder. He tugged on the chain until it fell apart and Ciel could free himself from the bike. The entirety of his back and most of the surface on his arms had the skin completely pulled off of it, or was in such terrible condition that you couldn't even call it skin anymore.

"Damn it." Alois muttered out.

Ciel looked at his arms and that was not as nearly as painful as the current state of his back. He could not look back to see it, but judging from Alois's expression alone, it was probably just as bad as it felt, I not worse. He sat on the side of the road waiting for it to heal up. He could see the skin on his arms growing back in under a minute.

"Is it healed?" Ciel asked.

"Almost. Give it a few minutes." Alois said.

"What are you doing with my bike?" Claude asked. He looked at Ciel's back and rolled his eyes. "I can't leave you alone for a few hours with out seriously injuring yourself or someone else."

"I was just gonna' take Ciel out somewhere fuun." Alois defended his actions with a cheeky smile.

"You don't even know how to use the kick stand properly."

"Soooo."

"You injured him severely."

"He's fine now."

"That is no excuse for putting other people in danger." Claude scolded him. Alois sighed and thought of his best plan of defense, which was changing the subject.

"How's your end of things, shouldn't you be workin' on it?" he asked.

"I have it under control." Claude said.

"You should go back and take care of it." Alois told him.

Claude lifted his motor cycle from the ground, noting that Alois did scratch the paint of it and that it would be in need of some cleaning from the dusty road. Without so much as a single notification, he sped of in the opposite direction Alois was headed in. Alois sighed and hopped on Ciel's back, which had been entirely healed and held onto his horns like handle bars. Ciel held onto Alois to keep them both from falling down.

"Let go of my horns. That hurts." Ciel told him. Alois let go of his horns and smacked his ass.

"Giddy up, Ciel!" he cheered. Ciel just started waling. Like everyone else had learned long ago, some times it was just not worth putting up a fight with this boy. You'd never win, anyways.


	29. fuck the patriarchy

It's a Grell chapter. What can I say, I love pretty girls with red hair.

When Grell left hell, she felt herself feeling a bit depressed. After all, even the reaper's association seemed like some terrible dismal shit-hole compared to the sub-tropical paradise. Earth? _Completely unacceptable_. It was a gray, bleak, unsatisfying hole in the universe that was painful to be around and entirely unenjoyable. England was a culprit in this. While her infamous exploits as the Jack the Ripper will remain for all history to remember, the red got washed off that streets with rain years ago. The dismal atmosphere did nothing to satisfy her.

Grell had been spoiled by the many luxuries of hell, the main one being that hell was matriarchal state, if there was any bias against gender- it was actually in her favor for once. Gone were the days of hoop skirts and corsets, though Grell kept the corset. Gone was hiding in fear that she maybe found or beaten or killed or raped for her gender. She was on the top pf the world there. A respected member of the community, she had friends that respected her in stead of keeping her around as a curiosity, a boy friend she'd never replace, and never ending places she could go for fun. There was no fun to be had here.

The way men looked at her here was disgusting. While she didn't mind it when William occasionally forgot to look at her eyes instead of her chest, for anyone else to do so was simply unforgivable! Grell felt no better than a piece of meat in boring female clothing here. The free drinks were unnecessary- she had plenty of money of her own. The cat calls were irritating and humiliating at best. A part of her thought life might've been easier if she could still pretend to be a (miserable and struggling to cope) man rather have to spend every last day here. Lonely, and treated poorly for her gender.

At work it had been no better. She got fired the instant she walked into the office with her long red hair tied back in a bow, a tight pencil skirt and fishnets around her legs and her breasts peaking just oh-so-slightly out of her dress shirt. Nobody cheered for her. Nobody congratulated her on finally getting the body she had wanted her entire life. Nobody sent her flowers or get well card or invited her to parties. Nobody even cared to as where she had been for over a year.

As a female reaper in a male reaper's body, she had completely avoided traditional female gender roles. While female reapers were isolated to the desk, male reapers were sent of missions. Grell was offered a place in the female work force- which she had declined in favor of old-fashioned blood letting. Her male body allowed this happen without question. Now that she had a female body, complete with the ability to make babies- she was told to get out and never return again. Grell did not have the training or the will to be a 'female' reaper. She wanted her old job back and they weren't going to give it to a_ real_ _woman._

"You're a sexist piece of shit, Ericson!" she shouted out at her super visor as she revved up her death scythe for the final time and threw it across the office. This destroyed nearly half the office and injured two reapers. Grell stormed out of the place, her heels clicking against the side walk. As she arrived at her old apartment, safely secured in the suburbs around the reaper's association- she had been kicked out. Whatever things she had owned were either confiscated or left in a small designer handbag.

Ronald was always willing to help her out, or at least he always allowed Grell to walk into his flat in London without permission. She helped herself to some chocolates and champagne that Ronald frequently used to seduce the women he brought over. If he complained, well, Grell had a vagina now. She could use that to her advantage in this particular situation.

"Grell!" Ronald cheered out, greeting her with a hug. "You're back!"

"Not for long. I got terminated." Grell admitted.

"Why?"

"Some sexist bullshit. Now that I have this body, it doesn't matter if I'm the strongest reaper or not. I'm so mad right now that I could kill a pack of whores!" she cried.

"Come now, killing whores never solved anything."

"Says their best customer." Grell cried on Ronald shoulder even though he held a tissue in front of her.

Ronald sighed, there was no telling Grell to leave because she'd only put up even more of a fight. But still, he had wanted to get laid and having a crying girl in his den would really kill the mood. He could always write Grell off as his sister, but even then. She had already eaten his supply of seduction food, and he had a reservation to a nice place for dinner anyways, and it would have been mean to let Grell starve because he didn't have any real food on hand ever.

"Do you want to go out with me tonight? As my friend, of course." he added in the last bit to make sure Grell didn't think he was still crushing on her. He was, but it was one of those unattainable I'm-not-even-going-to-waste-the-energy-kidding-myself things.

"Are you asking me because my being here ruined your plans?" Grell asked him.

"Maybe…" Ronald winced, thinking he was going to get punishment slap. Then he remembered that Grell no longer had the authority to make him her lacky. He would almost miss it.

"You're the best friend ever!" Grell hugged him around the neck just a little bit too tight.

Dinner was at a place, that was really expensive, and Grell being ever more conscious of her body ordered a simple house salad while Ronald enjoyed a steak. She had to inject herself with hormones daily for the rest of her immortal life, and like most "older" women, her metabolism had slowed to nearly a grinding halt. Grell was still Grell and would always be Grell, so she whined about the entire time.

"We can share desert, you know." Ronald said. His manners were different around Grell than most women. Most women he had a chance with, but Grell had him permanently put in the friend zone. So he didn't cut his meal into tiny bite sized chunks, or cared if he used the 'correct' fork. He had nobody to impress, though Grell was impressed by his kindness alone.

"You have something on your cheek, Ronnie." she reached forward with her napkin and wiped it off. If anyone else had called him Ronnie, he might've killed them. But Grell always got away with it.

"What are going to do until William comes back?"

"I have no idea. I don't even have the cash to pay to call him and ask for money." Grell muttered under her breath. "The only thing I'm good at in life is reaping! I just can't do anything else!" she cried out, loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to not only hear her, but give her a dirty look.

"Maybe you could do some drag shows?" Ronald asked

"No vaginas allowed." Grell said.

"Porn?" he whispered.

"I wish, but I can get pregnant now, so that option is a no…" Grell said.

"Have you tried killing people for money? It's not quite reaping, but it does use your skill." Ronald asked.

"I'd get caught." Grell whined.

"Not if you had some help covering your tracks." Ronald said, winking. Grell smiled and leaned forward, nearly knocking over her expensive glass of bottled water, and kissed Ronald on the cheek.

"You really are the best. Never forget that." she told him. "Wanna' dash?"

Ronald looked into his wallet, and nodded silently. He took Grell by the hand and together, they simply vanished into thin air leaving nothing behind. They could try to take everything from her. They could take her job, her scythe, her apartment- but they couldn't take away her brilliance, nor could anyone take away her best friend.


	30. whats behind door number 1

_Thirty chapters, and still nothing but low-brow comedy! Surely, if there were a record for most pointless fanfic ever, I'd probably get like 5th place. Also I should say I'm spending the Friday I'd be updating this story with a new one. Though after that, Superhell will be going back to Fridays. idk. I really should make a schedule for all these chapter fics. _

_Hey everyone, check this shit out! It's AWESOME: (http:/)(/fav).m(e/d4)5hstr Please remove all parentheticals in the url. _

"You're not Lizzie." Ciel said. He crossed his arms and stood in front of Sebastian at a table in the middle of an isolated beach somewhere. The atmosphere was the dark-ish shade that it got when it was 'night' and the tide was mostly calm against the shore.

"We have indeed been lied to by Claude and Alois."

"It would not be the first time. I expect you to be a better judge of character." Ciel told him. Sebastian could do nothing but nod at him in a feeble act of 'I have to agree with you no matter how wrong you are.'

Ciel looked inside of a box that Alois had given to him as a gift to Elizabeth and he was actually happy that she wasn't here, because if he had actually given her any of these items- she'd have surely have tried to kill him another time. Inside of it was a large bottle of '600 proof' liquor, which Ciel handed to Sebastian. Then there were two boxes of condoms; one of the boxes said_ 'extra small for dwarves, fairies and xenomorphs'_ and a sticky note on that particular box said_ 'for ciel ;) -love alois'._ Ciel frowned and muttered a semi-distinct fuck-you-alois-trancy under his breath. Also inside of the box was a bag of cannabis which said 'from Jeff' on it. It was greenish grey color with noticeable bits of purple and orange bits in the buds.

"That's funny." Sebastian said, reading the note Alois left on the box of dwarf condoms.

"No it is not." Ciel told him. He was wrong, and Sebastian had to agree with him anyways.

Sebastian had already consumed a good part of the large bottle. The high proof alcohol was not quite like the standard alcoholic beverage. A high proof alcohol is stronger than a 100% non-denature alcohol. In it's real state, the "600 proof" is in a gaseous state. In order to remain in a liquid drinkable state, it must be chilled using liquid nitrogen to quite-close-to absolute zero. This makes it both incredibly refreshing and incredibly expensive. After all, to a demon there is not a drink that is quite as satisfying to hold in the hand as a status symbol telling everyone else "I am rich!" even if no one else is around.

Apathy is cool. Apathy is a good thing that everydemon is expected to have. Apathy is the same as wearing the most expensive shoes money can buy, or having a fashionably outrageous hair cut or drinking expensive liquor that'll get you plastered in under three point two seconds. Everydemon wants to be apathetic, because apathy is cool and if you don't got it, then you might as well have a lame hair cut, crooked teeth, and wear tacky shoes. It is the quintessential accessory. A must have for every season.

Ciel was apathetic before it became cool for him to be apathetic. He had been steadily practicing his apathetic expression since he was ten years old and it shone through. He was cool as fuck. Sebastian had been born before the concept of 'looking cool' came along, and so he suffered the same fate as humans who watch too much anime or have chronic hygiene problems and a flabby body. He had celebrity power, everything he could sell was sold for thousands more because he had touched it or put his signature on it. But he didn't have that bored, expressionless look on his face. He was just miserable. Yes, it did make a difference.

They didn't talk to each other because they couldn't stand each other. Ciel had become just as boring, just as selfish, just as completely looks-based-vain as every other demon on that planet. Sebastian had become more depressing than Edgar Allen Poe on Sunday with an empty liquor cabinet. Neither of them had anything to say to each other unless they were getting work done or if Ciel wanted Sebastian to do something he could have easily done but was too lazy to bother with. There wasn't a single positive thing between them except for the joint they were passing back and forth.

"Hand me the bottle, Sebastian."

They were not the same butler and tiny human child that had lived together in the manor. Then they could at least say they were partners in crime or in the very least comrades. Now they had nothing in common anymore. Even the contract that had kept Sebastian on his 'best behavior' as a butler had been mostly forgotten, as Ciel no longer needed a butler and instead just needed someone to be his personal bitch. Sebastian had rarely done anything at all, and both of them were horribly bored and fell into a cyclic, tiring life style of sex, drugs, rock-and-roll. They were burnouts. Burnt out from their time spent together, burnt out from the sudden changes that brought apathy and nearly suicidal bouts of depression. The only thing left for them was apathy, aids, and techno.

"Is this what you did before you went to earth?" Ciel asked.

"No." Sebastian told him. He had friends, and something resembling a family, and he want places he actually liked and there wasn't some irritating child-demon pestering him. One could say that before this, he had actually been a some what happy demon despite his rather depressing childhood.

"What did you do before this?"

"Many things." Obviously.

"For how long?"

"Longer than you could imagine." Sebastian had been coming on and of earth for a time span of possibly around three thousand years. He was thousands older than that of course, his age older than human civilization itself, though he started things off a bit late, to say he lived to be sheltered for a long while.

"So you've always been this irritating and boring to be near? How shameful that the man I made a hero out of turned out to really be like you."

"Please forgive me for destroying your child hood idolatry of me. After all, I have done a terrible misdeed to you that in no way could possibly be repaid by an eternity of servitude. My complaints are all quite needless, as no one's suffering quite compares to yours." Sebastian said. Sarcastic as he always was, of course he had seen hundreds if not thousands who made Ciel look like a spoiled brat. Alois was one of them, and he could think of many others who suffered more in one day than Ciel suffered in his entire life. After all, it is hell.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Ciel asked.

"That you complain endlessly over what surely will amount to nothing." Sebastian told him. This earned him a smack across the face, a red hand print and claw marks across his cheeks. It didn't bother him.

"Don't you dare trivialize my suffering!" Ciel yelled at him. Sebastian looked up at him, and he had no expression on his face, except maybe one of mild annoyance. They did not talk to each other for the rest of the night. This was limited to talking, how ever. They could do several things without talking ot eahc other, or hell, evne looking at each other because goodness knows, they didn't find each other all that physically attractive. Even when drunk.

The next morning looked like a crime scene in a typical cable drama series. Splashes of blood had bled into the sand and stained it a dark brown color. Both Sebastian and Ciel were a mess, covered with red welts where cuts would have been hours before. Alois, Claude and Jeff looked onto the scene. Claude and Alois snuck in a high five before Alois got to work with a red marker. Circling certain points on both of their unconscious bodies. Jeff chased a black crab-comparable creature with twenty needle looking legs across the beach, swatting at it with his paws and grabbing on it with his teeth.

Alois took the empty of bottle of liquor and pranced to the shore, where he filled it with the warm sea water and poured it over the both of them. Ciel and Sebastian both jolted up from their hung over slumber and found themselves in a rather strange position. Both of them struggled to recall what happened the night before but the smirks on their rivals' faces told them exactly what happened. They didn't have to remember, when they had those to tell them. But soon enough, they both had very clear recollection of the night before and really wished that they hadn't.

"You two are sluts." Alois said, laughing.

"No we are not." Ciel said.

"I can prove it!" Alois cheered. "If you please…" he trailed off. He felt like Vanna White.

"Here." he pointed to a red circle drawn on Ciel's face. Inside of it was a black and red glittery smudge. Another smudge on his neck and a nearly invisible one on his collar bone were both circled.

"It's lipstick." Ciel said.

"It's_ Sebastian's_ lipstick." Alois corrected him.

"Anyone can wear black and red lipstick, Alois."

"Yes, but you're also half naked, covered with scratch marks and there's a used condom laying in the sand some where on the beach. Even an illiterate fuck like me can figure this one out." Alois said. Ciel wiped the lip stick off his cheek with his hand, but the red circle remained.

"And exhibit number two!" Claude said, as equally cheerful as Alois, pointing at Sebastian.

"Leave me alone. I am tired and sore and I have head ache." Sebastian muttered, already hiking back to the tour bus the was most likely parked somewhere around this location. Ciel dragged his feet along with him, but Alois and Claude remained on the beach.

"I just thought they'd get higher than a fuckin' kite." Alois said

"It appears as if they just had some kind of shameful, hatred-based sexual encounter." Claude said.

"What ever. Who the fuck cares, we tried, right?" Alois asked. If their efforts really didn't amount to that much.

"Dudes, look at this shit!" Jeff said. He totted over, carrying the black creature in his mouth. It was a slimy-looking thing with dozens of eyes and legs. It was still alive and squirming in Jeff's mouth like a live baby octopus in a Chinese restaurant. He held it down with his paw as Alois cringed. He lifted his paw for a second, letting it get no more than a few inches away before pouncing on it again and biting down hard. Eye juice squirted everywhere as Jeff munched down on his new kill.

"Ewwww. Don't eat that, Jeff!" Alois said, trying to pry it out of Jeff's mouth.

"I'll eat whatever the fuck I want!" Jeff said, happily carrying the left overs of his kill in his mouth towards the tour bus. He walked along with a little extra spring in his step, feeling particularly satisfied by the sheer pleasure that came with murder.

"I never thought my life could ever get stranger than what it used to be." Claude said.

"Same here, but it's cool, isn't it?" Alois asked, grabbing Claude's hand. He was in a hand holdy mood and Claude wasn't going to get in the way out of that.

"Yes it is." Claude said, bending down to give Alois a kiss on the cheek because nobody was looking.


	31. destroy yourself

_Trigger warning for pretty much everything that would require a triggering content warning in this particular chapter. I am well aware that some of my readers are kiddies. I put the mature rating on it for a damn good reason. Some of you are like, twelve or thirteen. I am not condoning kiddies reading this story, this chapter is a good reason why. I'd block all you under-16's from reading this if I were able to do so. However, I can't do that. So I can just insult all of you isntead, and hope my obnoxious attitude puts you off from reading this. _

It wasn't a lie to say that Ciel couldn't dance. Even with his new found abilities, he still struggled to even manage to do even the most simple of routine. To say that even Claude, whose patience was so infinite that he even put up with Alois daily gave up. But Alois would not give up, for he had faith in Ciel yet, and he wanted to him do good. Even if teaching Ciel to dance was similar to pulling teeth or eating glass or having bamboo splinters shoved under ones nails.

"Ciel, you're the most uncoordinated demon I've ever seen! You fucking suck!" Alois said.

"Well sorry we can't all be good at dancing." Ciel said.

"Do it again." Alois said. Ciel groaned, making the motions with rather half-hearted attempts.

"I don't dance, I'm a violinist. I play violin. You're the one whose job is dancing." Ciel argued. He had a point, a very good point. He couldn't dance alone in his bare feet, how would he dance with a violin in his stage costume? Plus he wasn't the dancing kind of guy, which was an understatement. He danced no better in his casual clothes as a demon than he did as a human in a ballgown.

"You're the one whose going to bore every last fan. Now shake your ass properly or so help me I will electrocute you." Alois said. He had a tazer that he stole from Claude, and he'd use it.

"He has a point." Jeff commented between bites of his grilled cheese. "It's economics, bro." He jumped off the counter to go do something else less painful than watch Ciel embarrass himself by dancing.

The process by which a demon commits suicide is not an easy one. For one, it is almost impossible to murder a demon, even by supernatural means. As an example, as is what happened to Claude, he was run through with a sword that destroyed not only his internal organs but made it impossible to heal himself. Even this, though it may have destroyed his body, did not kill him. It killed his body. The rest of him was then sent to the library of records, where it was then put into queue, and once sorted, was set free. Despite a massive scar across his chest and back, he is no worse for wear than he was before he had been impaled. It takes much, much more than just a run through to kill a demon.

Actually, the only one hundred percent, never-goes-without-failure way to kill a demon is to have it be eaten by another, much stronger demon. Most demons do not have the abilities to do this, and most of them will just end up throwing it back it up in a matter of days. Some demons can barely choke down an entire human without getting sick at some point. It takes an ancient and powerful demon to eat even the weakest of them, and it's damn near impossible to swallow down a strong one. It's part of the reason why they had managed to get up so high in inter-galactic politics. Would you fuck with a society of creatures that didn't get old and were almost impossible to murder? Granted, many sentient species were like that but all of those were photosynthetic and pretty harmless. Demons did not fall under the category of photosynthetic or harmless.

He did want to die, he was just rather uncertain as to which direction to take. He knew all of the reason as to why he'd like to die, after all most people would consider suicide in his position. In their society, suicide was more of something you did once you were bored of life or had gone insane and simply were no longer contributing anything worthy of life. So they'd take the old demons out back and go Ol' Yeller on them because that was the morally responsible thing to do. It wasn't responsible to be a pussy, but it was a show of morality to make it so that nobody had to put up with him being a pussy anymore. Of course there was always poison, as expensive of a route as it was, and that it had to be hand mixed, custom built with the exactly correct proportions of poisons and toxins and carcinogens to kill Sebastian and Sebastian alone, for it would simply be inert for any other demon. It was not cheap or easy or legal for that matter, but it would work, in theory.

Of course there was the actual dying to be tended to, and he locked himself in the bathroom with the excuse that he had to put on makeup, with told everyone else that it would at least be four hours before he's come out, which gave him about five hours before they'd bother giving a fuck about why the damn hell it was taking him so long. Maybe longer if Jeff had broken out enough drugs to make everyone else particularly forgetful. He wasn't sure if poisoning himself would be physically painful, but he assumed that it absolutely had to be or otherwise it wouldn't be very effective, would it? Though on the other hand, dying could be a very pleasurable experience, for life itself was so immensely unenjoyable and painful, and if the death the opposite of life...

Sebastian was never exempt from being vain, and mostly because he couldn't trust them to do anything honorable with his corpse once he was done living in it. If anything, they'd scribble on him with sharpie marker again before tossing his body out to sea. Not to mention that well, if he ended up hacking out all of his internal organs, he may as well have some pretty part left. On the outside, he is perfect and always has been perfect looking. Most demons are, but even in a society where anyone can choose to look however they want and cover all genetically-given flaws, he never once needed to do this. Of course, on the inside he truly believed himself to be rotting and sallow and filthy and incomplete, which he of course, was entirely right in thinking this and knowing that he was right and always would be right was of no pleasant feeling.

It was of no consolation to him that this body he polished and exercised and painted was to be the constant spectacle of someone other than himself. This so-called brilliant body that was constantly gawked at, advertised, stared at, stalked, demeaned almost every day in person, but also in every existing form of media he was plastered on. To be constantly viewed an object of people sexual frustrations, jealously, hatred and convoluted ideas of 'love'. For he was always to be photographed, prodded, harassed, and even raped, for he no longer belonged to himself but to every other person who could ever exist on any plane of existence. Every last detail, task, rumor, or what-have-you posted to and about him only said one thing to him that he could understand that was: "destroy yourself".

The vial was a dark amber glass, the liquid inside of it was clear and smelled faintly like a combination of apples, almonds and what Ciel's soul should have tasted like. Sebastian could not quite ascertain whether they were the ingredients to the poison itself, or items used to mask a foul smell and even worse taste. He felt the inside of his nose burn from it, which was a good sign considering what he was using it for. Sebastian's lip curled around the top of it and swallowed only about half it before he dropped the vial to the floor, it shattered on impact with the marble tiles.

Claude stood in front of him, coming out from behind the black shower curtain. It didn't take him long to figure out what Sebastian doing nor did it take him long to plan out what he'd do about it. He could smell the poison in Sebastian's breath, and the sudden retraction of his pupils into tiny black slits. Claude pressed Sebastian against the bathroom sink, using his spider legs to him his hands behind his back. Sebastian felt the distinct feeling of broken glass from the mirror against the back of his head, tiny pieces of it fell into the sink.

"Do you really want to die?" he asked, Sebastian squirmed in his arms.

Sebastian had not ingested enough of the poison to kill him, as the directions said that only a precise amount would kill him. Too much of the poison would not kill him, too little would not kill him either. Instead, he was rendered nearly helpless until it processed through his blood stream and wore off. Claude pried his jaw open wide with his fingers. Sebastian was too weak to fight back. Claude was to pissed off at Alois to really realize what he was doing aside from what he thought would be a good idea. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, but Claude would rather be a powerful but blind man than a dead one.

"Not like this." Sebastian said, Claude's fingers pressed against his lips, smudging the lipstick that he wore so habitually. Their mouths were now dangerously close together. Claude had his long, spider-like fingers halfway down Sebastian's throat, ready to rip out his soul and eat it.

"Stop it." Sebastian said, glaring directly into Claude's eyes. "Now." He was serious, and if he wasn't nearly poisoned to death, it would have been easy for him to not only fight Claude off, but kill him for a second time. Which is what he would've liked to do.

"You are in no place to command anything of me." Claude told him. Having several sets of black and sharply pointed legs was of practical use to Claude, but of less-than-pleasant use to Sebastian, who could sit by and watch as both the poison and Claude took control of his body. The poison had managed to cause his vision to not only become blurry, but for his entire field of view to be entirely black. Sebastian lacked the ability, any ability at all, to fight back.

"You never were." Sebastian was reminded of this by Claude, who had previously promised to never bring it up again, yet was now using this against him in some disgusting act of betrayal. Claude stripped off Sebastian's pants which were tight enough to be considered a second skin while Sebastian was hanging between the realms of suffering life and suffering death, his very last chance of happiness was taken away from him in a violent, unforgiveable act.

"I loved you." Claude said. Sebastian was not sure which was the worst thing that Claude was doing. If it were the outright lie, the preventing him from killing himself, or the rape. The combination of three of those things was disgusting, even in a culture of general depravity. Most of the nerve endings in his skin and his body had been killed, his body was paralyzed, his muscles were useless. Sebastian could not feel a thing physically, but he could feel the urge to kill him.

"I have always hated you." Sebastian said. As muffled as he was by Claude's hand halfway down his throat, the sentiment rang loud and clear. To Claude, this was possibly the most patronizing thing that any one had ever said to him. Sebastian was blinded, yet Claude could see his bright purple eyes glaring back up at him, loathing him, thoroughly detesting every last atom in his entire existence, wish death upon him and they both knew there was no coming back from this. Sebastian did not cry, or protest again, only showed him a lifeless, emotionless expression. He did not care if he lived after this, but if he did- there would a swift revenge involved.

Claude, who believed his own actions as a form of justice, felt some what hurt by this particular sentiment. After all, if Sebastian was going to lie to him, what bit of mercy did he really deserve? In Claude's mind, it amounted to none. With that finished, and his needs satiated, Claude dropped Sebastian, who was unable to hold up his own weight. He hit his head against the bathroom sink before falling to the floor with a loud thunk before Claude left the bathroom, feeling quite pleased with what he had just done. Jeff was waiting outside the bathroom door, he hissed madly at Claude.

"_How fucking dare you._" Jeff said, his tail resembled as bottle brush and flung around wildly, his back arched up like one of those halloween cat caricatures.

"Excuse me?" Claude asked, playing innocent.

"I am showing my mother." Jeff said, not threatened. A threat may or may not be carried out in an actual situation. This was more of a promise than anything else.

"I should inform you that rape is legal on this planet." Claude said. An excellent point, if not for the simple fact that Jeff was immune to any implications of rule breaking.

"I should inform you that neither I nor my mother give a flying fuck and after the ball, you will find yourself in the Ministry of Punishment. There is no question about that. I hope you have a good excuse for your little boyfriend because you're never coming back." Jeff told him.

"Does this look like the face of someone who is afraid?" Claude asked, smirking at Jeff. Jeff, who could not possibly hate him anymore, swung his claws at Claude's face at full force. The wounds bled instantly, lines of blood went from one ear to the next.

"I know your future." Jeff said. Claude shrugged it off, which was, by all means, an idiotic move.

Sebastian awoke to himself no longer on the bathroom floor. He was also not dead, or injured, and Claude was nowhere in sight. Jeff sat beside the bed, staring up at him, a concerned look on his face. When Sebastian opened his eyes, he saw Jeff shake a few times before leaping on the bed next to him. Jeff nudged at Sebastian's face with head.

"Feeling better?" Jeff asked, and for once, he was not sarcastic or rude about it.

"No." Sebastian said. He could actually feel things and he felt like he was about to die, though not as quite as on the edge of death that he felt before, but still immensely awful.

"Take this." Jeff said, dropping a pale green glass bottle on the bed.

Inside of it was a light blue glowing thing, that Sebastian could clearly see was a soul. Sebastian sat up in bed, holding the vial and staring down at it's contents, almost unsure if he should really be ingesting it, for he was not exactly allowed permission to eat anything. Jeff glared at him and pawed at his hand with his soft paws.

"Eat it." Jeff told him. Sebastian uncorked it and swallowed the contents. Jeff nodded at him in a way that clearly said that the cat was more than capable of keeping a secret. He almost instantly felt better, the amount of energy in the soul was more than substantial.

Sebastian slid back into a sleeping position, feeling a sudden case of the 'itis. Jeff flopped down on the bed next to him, stretching out and then curling up into a ball of cat blubber and soft fur. Sebastian stroked Jeff on the head, the cat instantly purred. Sebastian held Jeff closer to him, holding the cat as he feel asleep. The comfort of a purring cat beside him felt like a miracle cure to take away the pain from everything.


	32. justice and grilled cheese sandwiches

"Good morning!" Lucille cheered, teleporting into the living room of the tour bus as it parked outside of the space flight compound.

All of the men looked up at her, tired, hung over and none of them the least bit energetic with the strange exception of Sebastian, who was almost beaming with energy he hadn't had in a few centuries. Jeff rubbed up against Satan's leg, happy to see his mother again. She picked him up, grimacing at him and noticing that he was a lot heavier than he was the last time she had seen him.

"What have you been feeding him." Lucy asked. "He doesn't look healthy.

"Whatever he asks for." Sebastian said.

"Grilled cheese, fried butter balls, sushi, donuts, pasta, fresh sea food, cupcakes..." Jeff listed off, and with every item, Lucille's glare got deadlier.

"_What the fuck, Sebastian?_" she shrieked.

"He yells at me!" Sebastian said.

"He's a cat, you can't just feed him greasy food! Put him on a diet!" Lucille scolded Sebastian. Of all the demons out there, she trusted Jeff to him, and even he managed to fuck it up.

"But I like greasy food. It is delicious mommy." Jeff pleaded, rubbing his paw against her face, but the paw of softness was no match from the rage of Satan.

"But nothing. You're going on a diet of lean meat and whole grains and if I find out that anybody is helping you get out of it, it'll be a month in the ministry for them!" Lucille said, talking to everyone, but Sebastian in particular.

Lucille clapped her hand and within seconds all the equipment which had been sitting in the corners every where was neatly packed and ready to go. She snapped her fingers and everyone was at work carrying items for her, without her needing to actually form a question. They all knew how it worked with Lucille. Hell was a democratic dictatorship, but mostly a dictatorship. The luggage was loaded into a shuttle, painted jet black out of a material that felt soft, almost like fabric but neither dented nor stretched and at the tip of the fingers, it felt cool to the touch. The inside of it was similar to a high class private jet, the interior a plush show of wealth. William Spears sat on the couch, going through books, scribbling down mathematical somethings or others. He looked up for a second, rolled his eyes at everyone and continued his work.

"He's an awesome bookie." Lucille commented on him, sitting next to him on the couch. She summoned chair for everyone else. Jeff sat in his mother's lap, purring as she stroked his fur.

There were no windows to look outside, but everyone could feel the slight vibration of the ship. It was not strong enough to shake the wine in the glasses they drank from, but this constant feeling of vibration and resonation of space within their skin, pulsing in everyone's veins in constant tune to the other systems of blood and lymph and whatever else. Alois felt nauseous, a feeling not unlike car sickness but immensely worse and yet as undetectable as background noise. As he stood to use the bathroom if felt as though he step he took, he took in several dimensions at the same time, he could almost see five or six parts of himself at a time. It was enough to make him throw up.

"Well, I've looked through your set list and I am not pleased by it." Lucille said, earning a groan from everyone in the band. She went on, "Firstly, a song about oral sex is entirely inappropriate for an interplanetary meeting of cultural exchange and Sebastian, nobody will ever be thrown off the gay trail so long as you wear that rhinestone studded horror." she pointed at his thong, to which Sebastian sighed, knowing that as cruel as she was, she was entirely right.

"I have rewritten your set list and you will changing out of those." she pointed at Ciel's hot pants, which barely covered anything, but were comfortable and practical in the searing heat of hell. Lucille sighed, feeling the pressure of being an omniscient over-seer. "The things I do for you. Really. I prepared your set list, your stage costumes and I'm starting to wonder if you're even competent enough to play the music by yourselves." she said.

Lucille was under tremendous stress, the never-ending task of being the sole diplomat to a rather infamous and disliked assortment of characters. Demons had the curious to shapeshift, not only in form but in chemical composition- right down to the DNA. Naturally they were carbon based, their DNA not entirely dissimilar from a human beings, but with just the slightest shift they could become anything, whether it be based in silicon, nitrogen, arsenic or otherwise... This gave them the unique ability to have fertile offspring with all known forms of life, well perhaps not all of them but as far as sex went, there were few corners of the galaxy that demons hadn't infiltrated the gene pool of.

To put it in blunt terms, demons were the sluts of the universe, and even as such- had immense political on this basis alone. Who would say no to a race that had a major presence on nearly every planet in several galaxies, and was as technologically advanced? Not to mention as a politician, Lucille was extremely charismatic, often charming her very way into the hearts of many. Most viewed as polite and sweet woman ,though you crossed her- you'd suddenly disappear from all existence without a single memory of you from anyone. Still, even with the power, there was always the underlying tension of those who didn't want their societies infiltrated and taken over by the culture of demons. Of course they'd either change their minds or die, but as a pacifist, Lucille usually preferred polite diplomacy over murder though she'd do both.

"Claude may I speak with you?" Lucille asked, pointing at the small isolated room that was really something akin to a broom closet.

Claude nodded curtly, he took it without the slightest complaint nor acknowledgment that anything was out of the unusual. Everyone went about their business, as the room was oh-so-conveniently sound proofed and nobody really gave a fuck anyways. Claude and Lucille exited room, neither of them showed any shows of anything being different, but Claude had the expression of man who had just came back from ten thousand years of war. His eyes wide, his features even more sharp and gaunt than usual. He was sweating, his expression one of genuine fear as he glanced at Sebastian who could only smirk at him, feeling quite pleasured at Claude's obvious discomfort.

Sebastian's cellphone rang, upon reading the number that displayed on the screen he answered it nearly immediately, an unusual feat. Most of the time, no matter who it was, he let it ring until it nearly hit voice mail and then, and only then would he pick up the phone. Everyone listened closely, though the voice on the other end spoke softly to the point where it was nearly impossible to hear though Jeff quite clearly heard the phrase _'I went through all the trouble to make you that poison, so you might as well do me the favor of drinking it_'. Ciel just looked at him weirdly the entire time he answered the call.

"Who was that, Sebastian?" he asked.

"Nobody you know of, master." And that was the end of that.

As the ship landed and everyone exited the building to view the arena, they were left nearly speechless. The area itself was behemoth of a structure, taller than the Olympus Mons and covered an area slightly large than the area of Manhattan. It was made entirely of a glass-like substance that had the qualities of a clear opal, the walls were thick and steady enough. The chairs of the stadium had enough space to hold at least two million visitors, if not more, each area of the arena set up for the needs of the different species present. The planet itself was a tiny, previous uninhabitable rock in space, cleared off and remade entirely for this event down to the very atmosphere itself, nebulae lined up perfectly with the pink colored sky. It was a spectacle of wealth and a symbol of prosperity for only the most developed species in the known cluster of diplomats in the Milky Way, Andromeda, and Triangulum galaxies.


	33. make revenge, not war

_If someone can write me a Superhell! theme parody of the song "Friday" by Rebecca Black, I will... I don't know. But you'll get something out of it. Friday, Friday, gonna' get damned on Friday. Everyone's looking forward to the mind scarring, scarring. _

Ciel stared at the vision before him, never before had he even imagined such a place to exist. Before this, his mind was still stuck in the rather 'human' way of thinking of the universe as the earth, the solar system it belonged to, heaven and hell. Life was something that happened on earth and earth alone. His race, his planet, was special. Nothing like that could have happened anywhere else. The error in his conscience thought, his mind could barely wrap around it, the consequence of all the things said around him being proved, was truly mind blowing. Life existed in many forms, many base elements completely unimaginable. Life was not unique nor was it anything particularly special. Many of the other people there he could not quite imagine it, though he wasn't much of a young man with an imagination.

Some of the other attendees had blue skin, such as Pandorans, who stood tall looking like blue, bioluminescent anthropomorphic house cats, or the Xenomorphs who were bipedal but other than that bore no real resemblance to anything Ciel could imagine existing though Ciel had seen several xenomorph-demon hybrids that lived freely in hell and rather enjoyed the high temperatures. Inteligence wasn't unique amongst the universe, it was plentiful. But every last nation, or society rather, blended into the next where people, whether they be from Gleise, or Persei-i 8 was noting special, but rather a single mass. The only description of this mass, as diverse as it is can be described as 'life'. No other blanket statements could have been made. Curiously, enough a familiar face amoungst the huge amount of foreigners appeared.

"Hello Ciel." Isabella chimed, bending down to speak directly into Ciel's ear, her long talon traced along his shoulders and Ciel suddenly didn't care that she was a hermaphrodite. "You look so much cuter with long hair." she said. Cute? Well, there destroyed Ciel's hope.

"I heard that the slut called you. She said shes going to be watching you_ veeery_ closely, daddy." Isabella told Sebastian with a scowl on her face, her tone almost hissing, her purple colored forked tongue stuck out.

"Don't call her a slut."

"But she_ is_ a slut."

"Well, that may be true but it is still impolite and as a diplomat, you should not use words like slut."

"Oh fucking please. You got invited here to dance around in a man kilt singing songs about having sex and you tell me to act classy?" She asked. "Go back to hell."

"I concur entirely." said a woman, even taller than Isabella, perhaps even taller than most buildings that currently stood in hell.

Though upon coming closer, she shrank herself down to an almost reasonable height of around twenty feet, though their necks still strained to look at her. She was gaunt and reptilian looking, her skin a pale shade of greenish gray or grayish green. She had two rows of eyes, a bright yellow that existed without pupil nor iris, long green hair that seemed to wave in the wind though the air was still and had two large horns similar to an Ibex. She looked vaguely, just barely similar to Isabella in the way that one would have to guess that if Sebastian was one half of Isabella's odd appearance, this was surely the other.

"You are quite similar to a hypocrite at many times." she picked up Sebastian as if he were a child, as was quite child-sized compared to her. She smiled a mouth full of jagged, gold colored teeth and gave him a light kiss on the head. He kissed her back with little to no hesitation, though it had been more than a thousand years since he had last seen her, much less spoke with her.

"Hello Methylene." he greeted her kindly as she put him back down on the ground.

"My mother will always side with me." Isabella said, attempting to guilt him, though it did not work.

"I suppose we should attend to our seating arrangements before those tribal things come like missionaries to teach us the virtues of denying technological advancements." Methylene said, once again growing to her full height. Isabella trailed behind her, winking and waving to Ciel.

"Don't even think about it." Sebastian warned Ciel.

"I'm not thinking. I am planning." Ciel said, to which Sebastian mentally promised him a swift death.

A man, around six feet tall, in an expensive looking designer suit that may have very came from the 1930's approached Lucille with the look of repulsion on his face. His bone structure could be considered quite similar to William's, rather handsome and looked delightfully good in glasses, though his colored was quite different. His hair was a stark shade of silver white, obvious dyed, his skin was nearly as pale, though not the intentional pallor of Lucille's. He seemed uptight, and snooty and not in the introverted way that William was, he simply had the air of "I'm too good to be here." An arrogant tone that every hated with a choir of angels behind him. It could be said that those around him, no matter who they were, did not view him quite favorably.

"Lucifer." he said.

"It's Lucille. Lucifer is a_ male_ name_, Kevin."_

"Oh, you're still going on about that, are you?" he said.

"No, you're the only one who has missed the memo. Behind the times, as you always were, struggling just to keep up with the rest of us. This is your first exchange conference, isn't it?" Lucille asked, her voice was sharp, and she couldn't possibly have been more demeaning or sarcastic.

"You are disgusting." he said. He had all the charm of an old man in a bathrobe at a nursing home.

"It is better to be a disgusting success than to be an honorable failure. We are going to make you look like the failure that you are tonight." she snapped her fingers in his face three times. "Minions!" she said. Sebastian, Ciel, Alois, Claude and Jeff all lined up behind her, giving him a stare of 'we hate you because she told us to'. They walked away with Lucille like a line of tiny ducklings. Lucille looked back at him, and stuck out her forked tongue at him in a childish manner.

"Was that..?" Ciel asked as Lucifer applied his makeup according to her own tastes.

"Yes, that was he man some of you refer to as 'God' Or Yah-weh. His real name is Kevin. So don't call him God, it inflates his already unwarranted amount of self worth." she instructed him.

"That man is a complete tool." William said.

"Takes one to know one." Sebastian said back, slipping up his stockings and snapping garters on them.

"You have no rights to talk."

"Enough of you two!" Lucille said. "You both are like lovesick children pulling at each others pony tails and tripping each other in the dirt." Sebastian and William glared at each other, but stopped.

"You go on in five hours." Lucille said as he laced up Ciel's boots, making sure they everything was done perfectly without the slightest blemish. She still had Claude and Alois to dress. It would take her the entire five hours to do that.

"I need to take a food break." Alois said.

"Same here. Let's get out the panini maker." Jeff suggested.

"No. No. No." Lucille said, pulling out two wooden boxed. "Both of you will be eating a healthy meal in which neither of you are overloaded with carbs or grease."

"I don't eat carbs, any ways." Alois said, opening it.

Ciel looked at the programming, some of these songs none of them had played in such a long time that Ciel might have forgotten the music to them. He checked his large binder full of sheet music he and Sebastian had scribbled down and memorized them. The program was more than satisfactory, the songs all seemed to blend in with each other perfectly, though in an almost unexpected way. She had picked out the idealistic set list, though one that was rather challenging to play. This was entirely expected.

"This is going to be televised." Lucille reminded them. "And in that accord: No beat downs. No oral sex behind the curtain when you don't think anyone is watching, Alois. No leaving the stage until the set list is finished. No crowd surfing. No fuck yous to the audience. A fuck you to god is acceptable provided you make it classy. No wardrobe malfunction. No showing the audience your genitals. No obscene hand gestures. No tongue kissing. No profanity. No making me regret letting you do this, is that clear everyone?" she asked. Everyone nodded.

"I have a question." Ciel said. "A minor change to the set list." he added in.

"As long as it follows the rules." Lucille said.

Just before Super Hell went on stage, the choir of angels played their hymns. They waited behind the curtains, all of them peeking at the show in front of them. It was a historical chorus of latin opera with no backing music, protesting the greatness of Kevin. The crowd looked jaded, and quite frankly bored. Not a single person in the crowd was smiling, and everyone looked genuinely unhappy to be there, with the exception of god, who was giving them the lines in sign language from the front row. This was not going to be a pleasant crowd to perform in front of.


	34. deck the halls with blood and gore

_I can imagine that reading a long story like this is probably pretty intimidating because of the general "30+ chapters and not even close to being finished yet" thing. Probably because I was going to read a fic but then saw how long it was and said "oh fuck this" and now I understand others much more. Thanks to everyone who is sticking to this story, because even if you don't comment, Superhell! still gets more pageviews per month than my entire deviantart galley has gotten in over three years._

The stage has been decorated, quite lavishly, really. It was the sorta decorum only Alois Trancy could think of. Silver glitter, glass frames, bright white fizzing fireworks. Something really sparkly, but with just a slight tinge of class that may have very well said "_well, we're not that unprofessional_". But when they walked out onto the stage, covered with silver glitter, fake eyelashes and white roses nobody believed for a second that they were anything other than pointless eye candy. An image band devoid of any kind of originality or substance that stood only to explode the ovaries of women and men alike. The satanic version of _"My Chemical Romance"_, if you will.

The concert started off with an electric violin instrumental lead by Ciel and with Claude maneuvering the synthesizers. In addition to having more dexterous fingers than normal, Claude's extra legs aided in the careful, quick and precise movements across the computer keyboards. Alois set off explosives in background. The diplomats looked onto the display of all show and no substance. It certainly proved to display the worst parts of their culture. Rampantly obsessed with sex, and boring, boring, boring. There was a over all compulsion in the audience to suppress yawning. Though Lucille sat in the front row waving to them like a soccer mom at the middle school christmas pageant.

"Some minions you have." Kevin retorted. Some how he had gotten seated next to her. Lucille only glared at him. oh he would just have to wait and see for the grand finale when they'd set off fireworks. Kevin had little faith for one who demanded from every one else.

Even though dancing with a violin made from shards of stone and glass was an impossible task, it was not entirely reasonable that Ciel was so clumsy, or that he had all the dancing abilities of a quadriplegic. While everyone else was dancing in perfect synchronization, he stumbled about like a drunk even though he wasn't drunk, and over all made an idiot out of himself. Ciel looked even worse that way than he did just standing stationary. Yet somehow, Lucille was sure nobody was paying attention to him. She made sure that he was less visible in costumed flamboyance than everyone else, and exactly for that very reason.

As the Sebastian's voice vibrated the glass, something unexpected happen. Every last atom has a frequency at which it vibrates. Every last atom has a frequency, that if exposed to, will cause it to become well, unstable. To expand on this concept, the rife machine is an excremental treatment used to treat patients of chronic illnesses, such as lyme disease or cancer. The rife machine works by sending vibration waves of a specific frequency that lines up with the frequency of the offending cells and causes them to die, disintegrate, explode, self-destruct. In the same way, a woman singing at the right pitch can cause a closely placed glass to shatter.

The arena is made out of an alloyed mixture of opal, and silicon melted down to an extremely high temperature and spread into sheets that extend in miles for both width and length. They are then peiced together with an infrastructure made from the very same glass molded into shapes like beams that connect together in a way similar to a puzzle. There is not a single hinge or nail or screw in the construction, just pieces of glass fitted together with such meticulous precision that it would be impossible, even in theory, for human being to imagine it.

Being entirely made out of glass, it was not entirely thought ahead of time what would happen if a band that played violin-industrial music played in that arena. Nor did anyone consider the slight possibility that Sebastian had an impressively wide vocal range and the ability to sing at incredible volume, even without the aid of an amplifier. Rarely did he ever use a microphone, this night was the one exception.

At the point at which Sebastian hit a certain very-high-almost-inaudible note and held it for perhaps less then a few seconds, large cracking sounds could be heard. However, the members of the band could not hear the sound of the glass shattering over their own image-band-making noises and continued to play on without a care or concern. Not that they'd care anyways, because they were just there to play and didn't care about anything else.

The glass shattered and popped, leaving large pieces of razor sharp opal and glass to rain down on the entire crowd like tiny droplets of death. Some people had their arms detached, some had severe lacerations, some were even cut in half and some completely lacked the ability to regenerate at all! The meeting went from a peaceful meeting of everyone to a scrambling mass of screams and panic as countless persons, some where in the thousands, were maimed or killed by the falling glass. Others were trampled to death. Some were killed by the sudden drop in air pressure. Still, the entire event had come to a premature closing from the unfortunate happenings involving death.

Lucille pulled out an umbrella from her purse, opening it and holding it above her head the arena cleared itself out, everyone clambered back to their space ships to head home, some carrying the corpses of their fallen diplomats. Kevin gave her a snide remark as he pulled glass shards out of his eyes. She trodded over to the stage, and even though it had collapsed, and even though they danced with pieces of glass embedded in their skin, the show went on.

"You can stop, boys. Party's over. You fucked it up." she said. They all stopped playing and packed up their equipment faster than she could get the chance to repeat herself.

"You all fucked it up more than I have words to explain. You have ruined everything in sight, do you have any idea how much this cost to make? Because the numbers can't even be conveyed to creatures of less than demi-god status, that is how much you've fucked it up!" she yelled.

They all sort of hung their heads in shame, except William who looked almost smug about Sebastian's failure. Lucille escorted them back into the space craft with a sour, murderous look on her face. Once they boarded the craft, however, she seemed a lot less angry.

"Now that I no longer need to uphold diplomatic relations for another fifty years, I will say that the amount of slaughter you have created was truly quite amazing. Of course it was mostly a freak accident but surely, they won't be fucking with us if they think that it only takes a single demon to kill a few thousand people." she cracked open a can of soda and relaxed on a reclining chair. "Did you see the look on Kevin's face? Priceless!" she cackled.

"Do you really think that you should be encouraging the slaughter of thousands of diplomats?" William asked her. His constant focus on doing what was 'right', was particularly tiring.

"Well, no. But it's not like I'm going to say that it didn't have an unexpected up side." She told him.

While everyone else more or less had protection from the falling or healed up quickly, Alois was still picking pieces of glass out of his arms and legs. Lucille almost cursed the amount of glitter, since they had tracked it all the way into her space craft and now the inside of her inter-dimensional high-class space limousine now had the glittery after-shocks similar to that of a strip club. It was not something she was happy about. It would take her hours to vacuum all of the glitter out of the carpet.

"In any case, I still have to punish you." Lucille said, instantly distracting them from the open bar.

"What exactly is the punishment?" Sebastian had the audacity to ask.

"You'll find out." Lucille said. The space craft landed and she shooed them out of the craft as quickly as she possibly could. Jeff stayed behind everyone else and once they were all busy putting their equipment back into the tour van, he leaped unto Lucille's shoulder and butted his head against her chin. He purred though Lucille just wasn't buying into his kitty bribery.

"Can you tell me what it is?" Jeff asked. Lucille picked him up and brought him into her arms, snuggling him closely and kissed him on the head.

"No." she said, setting Jeff down on the ground.

"It was worth a try." Jeff said, running off to bother his band for another seige of demonic shenanigans.


	35. a badass rockstar from hell

_Frequently Asked Questions:_

_When will you update?  
__Friday._

_How often do you update?  
__Weekly. On Fridays._

_Update again!  
__I will update on Friday._

_Update Faster!  
__I will update next Friday._

_How long will you update Superhell ?  
__Every Friday until it is completed._

_Is there anything I can do to make you update faster?  
__You can mark "Superhell! Update" on every Friday of your calendar for the rest of 2011._

_I update every Friday no matter what, and I mean no matter the fuck what. I got arrested this morning and this night I nearly got killed in a road accident- and I'm still updating this story. On time, none the less. I will continue to update this story every Friday regardless of how many hate letters I do get, how many comments I don't get, or if I spend a good part of the day almost going to prison and having near-death experiences. I have a semi-reliable update schedule that I quite specifically say in the story summary. There is no need to continue to ask me in messages, whether they be here, tumblr, whereever. I'm always gonna update on Friday._

Ciel looked at himself in the mirror. He had run out of the ability to really know how many years it had been since he'd changed species but still looking like a twelve year old human that looked even younger than his physical age felt like it was growing old faster than he was. Which was not at all. Of course it had it's advantages, but it also had so many draw backs. He was not a child, and even still he was treated like one every single day of his life. The long hair and the makeup and the clothing did net to nothing to make him feel better about this.

There was the_ "where are your parents?"_, and the_ "aren't you too young to be at this show_", and the reply of _"I'm the fucking violinist!"_; and the constant stares, and the pitying, and the gawking, and the way people censored themselves around him, and the way that women would brush him off as too immature for sexual relations. Not to mention that he couldn't reach the cabinets, that he was shorter than all demonic children, and really, what kind of woman has sex with a adult male who looks like a little boy?_ None_ of them, in fact.

The only thing about Ciel that had grown, were his horns, which now we're over a foot long, twisting and black, which made look down right silly. Like nature just slapped an oversized pair of shiny black_ 'things that get hit on everything and make it impossible to put on most shirts and say good bye to hats for ever'_s on his head and called it a day. Then there was the fact that Ciel had no idea how to shape shift and Sebastian wasn't very good at it either and so he nobody to ask.

"Stop staring at yourself with a look of anguish and misery. You've been in there for two hours and I need to shit something fierce." Jeff called from the other side of the bathroom mirror. Ciel let out a sigh at his unchangeable condition then exited out the bathroom door. Jeff stared up at him.

"After I'm done eliminating the curry I ate for breakfast I will show you the solution to all your problems." Jeff said. Ciel waited patiently, leaning against the door frame before Jeff came out.

"Al right, let's do this shit." Jeff said. "As you can see, I know how to shapeshift." Jeff said. Ciel just looked at him with an unamused glare.

"Well no shit you can shapeshift, I've seen you do it before." he said. Jeff smacked him shins.

"And if you'll stop being such a sarcastic limey fucker, I will teach you how." Jeff said.

"Sebastian said that I can't because I'm not old enough"

"That was a lie. Anyone can shapeshift, human demon, _cat_. It is a skill that one develops over time, not an inherited ability." Jeff said. After all, the idea of demons being the only ones who could shape shift could have easily been rendered quite void, with all the legends of Skinwalkers or the slender man or Grell Sutcliffe's ability to disguise her flamboyant hair and nightmarish teeth.

"Advantage?"

"Well you see, demons are silicon based and humans are carbon based. Right now you're still in a carbon-based body. You're all fleshy and human-y except with horns and fangs. Once you cross over your dna to the right base element, you'll look like the adult male demon you're supposed to."

"But I'm not very old, not even for a human."

"Here's the cool shit kid, demons mature much earlier on in lives than humans do and stay that way forever. You were lied to because you still have the cultural knowledge and maturity of a young human adult and I probably should not even help you because there is a great deal of probability that you may very well fuck this up, because you're too stupid to control yourself. Which has already been proven because you've really taken advantage of the whole immortality thing."

"Then why are you helping me?" Ciel asked, Jeff leaped onto his shoulder and booped his nose.

"Because there is this thing and you should be able to protect yourself." Jeff explained, of course he spoke in future tense, but he also knew the future so it wasn't like he didn't do it often.

"So you care for someone who isn't yourself?" Ciel asked. Jeff glared at him, swishing his tail back and forth in annoyance.

"It is in my very best interest that you and Sebastian are safe. It would be very detrimental to my profit margin if either of you were to be severely injured or maimed- physically or mentally." Jeff drawled out, almost exasperated that he even had to explain why. Ciel continued to look at him, and Ciel wasn't entirely convinced in Jeff's honesty.

"Okay, so you two aren't the worst people I've hung around in my life."

Ciel continued to glare at Jeff with his glowing red eyes. It was a "you better fucking tell me because if you don't think I can't make you say it after I've spent years out smarting and bribing Scotland Yard, you've got another thing coming to you, cat." kind of glare.

"_Fine._ I worry about you. Jeeze, you little fucker, just take my help and stop it with the damned interrogations, I've already seen enough of that shit in my studies on the Inquisition." Jeff said, leaping onto the counter of the sink. Ciel looked into his reflection in the mirror, once again unhappy every time he saw that fleshy, really quite out-dated body.

"The way you feel right now is how I feel whenever I take on a human body."

"It feels wrong. I hate it." Ciel said. Jeff patted him on the shoulder with his soft paw.

"It's okay but I have to warn you. When that woman made you a demon she basically injected you with a walloping dose of her DNA. I don't know what her genetic contents are but they can and will effect your appearance in a noticeable way. You may grow extra arms, your hair may fall out, you might spontaneously change gender. You might want to just take this body and deal with it because you may very well be better off not knowing what you actually look like. You're not the just the son of Vincent and Rachel Phantomhive, you're also part of who ever that woman was."

"You mean Hannah Anafeloz?" Ciel said. "She's very attractive so I'm not too worried about it."

"Just sayin'." Jeff said. "Demon biology is fucking whacked-out because they're all a bunch of sluts that can have fertile spawn with anything else in the universe."

"Don't call me a slut."

"Shut up. And start concentrating on your DNA. Feel your DNA. Feel like a paw of softness and wisdom. Reach deep back into the confines of your mind and bring forth your inner urges to feed on energy and propagate yourself. Clear your mind of all thing but the eternal pursuit of slacking off, and sales on gothic foot wear."

"I don't see how meditation is go-" Ciel complained.

"SHUT UP AND FEEL YOUR INNER EVIL._ DO IT NOOOOW._" Jeff yowled as he scratched Ciel's face, the bleeding wounds closed themselves up after a few seconds.

Ciel closed his eyes, concentrating on the thing he personally found awesome about being a demon which was really, everything. He didn't mind the new dietary plan, he was too busy enjoying everything else that came with the package. Life as a demon was infinitely more fun than life as a human had ever been. All the money he could spend and more, a job that was actually fun to do instead of physically and mentally and psychologically exhausting, and pretty much all the free reign to do whatever the fuck he wanted no matter how disgusting or immortal what he wanted to do was. It was good to be a demon, and it was even more awesome to be a bad ass rock star violinist from hell.

Whether or not he had fucked over a lot of people, some of whom might've actually respected or loved him in the past to get there well...losing their love and respect was worth it and then some. He was, for all intended purposes of explanation and description, happy now. He had not known happiness in years and after a long battle with depression, feeling like this was about as good as it got. He had gone from a nearly dead bosy in a cage to multi-millionaire who traveled across planetary and gallatic lines. Instead of jeering at him because he was too pale or too oddly dressed or too gloomy- he was cheered on for it. He was not only encouraged to be himself, but encourage to be as much of himself whenever it was possible, even if it was incredibly annoying to everyone around him.

Ciel opened his eyes, to find that once again, the mirror that Sebastian had spent so much time replacing, was broken. The shower curtain was shredded and Jeff found himself swatting at Ciel's legs hissing at him and scratching his shins with his razor sharp claws.

"Hey! Watch where you put those things, faggot!" Jeff shouted.

"What?" Ciel asked, turning out, scraping the paint off of the walls. He picked up a large piece of the mirror he broke and looked at himself. He was old, definitely somewhere in his late teens or even if he was lucky enough, his early twenties. He moved the mirror around and his horns, which had previously looked silly and almost impala-like, were now a group of two smaller pairs of horns, still as black and twisted as before. His legs now had an extra joint and while it looked like something that would be quite difficult to stand on, Ciel found his balance now felt slightly more natural in his high heeled sandals. Even more surprising were two large black, bat-like wings that took up almost the entire span of the bathroom, which knocked over items, tore up the paint and wrecked the mirror.

"HOLY FUCK." Ciel shouted, dropping the mirror, which made even more of a mess to clean up. He kneeled down to see tiny pieces of himself reflected all over the bathroom floor.

"I'm hot... I'm really, _really_ hot. I'm fucking sexy." he said, almost entirely unconvinced that this is really who he was, but hell, he wasn't complaining.

"Ciel, are you okay?" Alois opened the bathroom door, suddenly concerned that he had been injured, and though the condition of bathroom was clearly in a state of needing serious repair, he just gawked at Ciel's body. His jaw hanging loose.

"Holy fuck, you're fucking hot." he said. Now Ciel was much taller, he had to actually look up at his friend instead of looking down at him like he normally did.

"I know." Ciel said, beaming. "It's like my outsides match how I feel inside." he was downright giddy, which was almost frightening considering that he stopped looking like a laughably adorable demon and now looked like one you wouldn't dare laugh at.

"My bathroom!" Sebastian shrieked. "My paint! My mirror! My designer shower curtain! You've ruined it! I just fixed it and you ruined it!" he knelt down to the floor, picking up glass shards. He did just fix it. Sebastian was too angry about the sorry state of the days of work that he had just done to the bathroom interior to really even care that Ciel's eye level was just about even with his.

"It's nice to see to that you're really paying attention to your master." Ciel sighed, exiting the bathroom, Alois has to fold in his wings for him just so he could get out of the room.

"You've spilled all my shampoo and conditioner!" Sebastian yelled. "Now what I am going to do with my hair!"


	36. like niagra falls, but with more camp

_Originally this chapter comes in a lot later in my hard copy, but because Superhell! has arc-like miniplots rather than one huge plot, I can rearrange chapters where ever the fuck I want them and the story will still make chronological sense. This happened because the arc-like miniplot before this one is getting completely redone because apparently everyone else has better ideas for my stories than I._

"So..." Alois crawled on Ciel's lap. This was not out of the ordinary, as Alois completely lacked whatever set of manners or skill or knowledge it took to accurately gauge what was and wasn't considered personal space. Though usually Alois didn't have his hand down Ciel's pants either.

"What are you doing?" Ciel asked. Alois cuddled up next to him.

"We should make out." Alois suggested.

"Claude will pissed off at me and I am not putting up with his complaining." Ciel told him. Alois pouted and played with Ciel's hair.

"Get a room, fairies!" Jeff leaped on Ciel's lap and pushed Alois aside. He rested his head on Ciel's thigh and looked up at him with his big, brown eyes. "Make me a sandwich." he mewed.

"_Fine_." Ciel said. Jeff followed him out to the kitchen, purring behind him. Ciel cut the sandwich from the diagonals and placed in on Jeff's favorite plate. He leaped unto the counter and nibbled at the sandwich while he held it down like prey with one paw. Ciel scratched behind his ears and Jeff purred instantly, his mood one of a contently spoiled kitty cat.

Sebastian's mood aged like milk, his expression sour, his demeanor lumpy and over all he looked like some one had taken curdled milk and poured it down his sparkly rhinestone encrusted man-thong. Ciel and Jeff just stared at him while he washed paint and dust off his hands from fixing up the bathroom. His expression towards Ciel was one of general hatred and contempt, but he patted Jeff on the head and scratched behind his ears, which made Jeff the happiest scottish fold alive. What could he say? Ear scratchies and sandwiches were an award-winning combination.

"So help me, if you ever do that to my bathroom again, I will fuck over this contract and rip your damned throat out with my teeth. And you won't beg me for more that time." he threatened. Ciel shot him a glare, making his hand burn, blood dripped from the seal and feel on the floor. Claude laughed and leaned against the refrigerator with a frosty bottle of liquor in his hand.

"Just because I loosened the leash, does not mean that I will not punish you." Ciel told him. Jeff leap off the counter and into the closet for a nap on Ciel's clothes. He didn't stick around to watch the aftermath of Ciel's sudden bouts of unwarranted anger.

"You need to get me another batch of hair products." Claude said. "We can't perform if I'm stuck here with a bloody poof ball because your incompetent master destroyed all my relaxer." His hair, even on a day when it looked it's best was course, incredibly thick, and almost impossible to get a brush through. On this day, it was poofy and kinky; frizzed out and wrecked by the heat and humidity.

Sebastian sighed. He hand mixed all of their hair products. His positively obscene to have everything be in perfect, tidy and working order made it so that he could not possibly use anything on his hair, or anyone else's hair that was something less than top notch quiality. Of course the ingredients were thousands of miles away in an undisclosed location but by the way Claude looked at him, Sebastian knew the bastardly bastard would demand he make the trip. Just for his needs alone.

"I will leave today and I'll be back in a few days. It takes a long time to make. And this time," Sebastian said as he looked directly at his master. "I will make enough to account for a large pair of wings knocking over all of it." he said. Jeff mewed and rubbed against his leg.

"Bring me back some home made bread?" Jeff asked. "Mew mew mew mew?"

"Of course." Sebastian knelt down to pet Jeff on the head and then jumped out of the window of the still moving tour bus.

"You should not be so cruel to your little pet. He does not like that." Claude said. Ciel slapped him across the face with his ring hand, which was almost permanently bedazzled with rings of various sizes, some, well most, oh which were covered with sharp point of some sort.

"Go fuck yourself you exploitative prick." Ciel hissed, having overheard of Claude's misdeeds from a conversation between Sebastian and Jeff.

"Say that to a mirror, why don't you?" Claude smirked at Ciel, licking the blood off his ring with his long tongue and curling it around his finger in a rather sexual way.

"The two of you better shut the fuck up because in a contest to see who is the biggest goddamn dickhole on this tourbus is a tie between myself and I." Jeff said, leaping on Ciel's shoulder and sinking his claws into Claude's face. In reality, Claude always won the contest, though nobody would give him the satisfaction of telling him that nobody except his delusional boyfriend could stand him. Claude got a rise out of being hated, one that was most likely sexual.

Days past and Sebastian was not seen. Ciel was starting to get irritated; both Jeff and Alis were also getting sick of Ciel's cooking and Claude's wasn't much better. Jeff pawed at Ciel as they sat on the couch and Jeff lapped up some of his miso soup with tofu cubes, courtesy of Lucille's Jeff Diet TM. Alois chewed on a tofu cube, enjoying his low caloric intake for the day.

"Ciiieeel." Jeff mewled. "I miss Sebs."

"I agree. You should never be allowed to fucking cook again." Alois said.

"What do you want me to do about it? Teleport over there and tell him to hurry it up?" Ciel asked sarcastically. Jeff's floppy ears perked up instantly.

"Well of-fuckin-course! Shit, why didn't I fuckin' think of that. Later bro!" Jeff pushed at Ciel with his paw and then Ciel was no longer in the room. Alois looked at Jeff, raising an eyebrow.

"What the fuck did you just do?" he asked.

"Teleported Ciel to Sebastian's location using the frequency between their contracts to gauge the distance between them and then place Ciel within a shorter range of him."

"Dude, that's fucking sick." Alois commented.

"I know. Science rules." Jeff said.

Ciel soon found himself in the middle of a jungle, or was it a house? He couldn't really understand if he was in some kind of ruins or if he was in a patio porch or something of that nature. In front of him stood a waterfall that was thousands of feet in height, which then poured into a small lagoon like pool that had a table set up to the left side with a hot tub and a mini bar. On the right side was a domed hall way to a modern building, much like Sebastian's condo but more minimalist. The glass arches in the hallway were lit up with white lights and seemed to wrap up and around the mountain the water fall carved into. The building behind it, just barely visible beyond the trees was painted bright white with large glass windows, all of which were illuminated by the white light.

The sleek combination between futuristic minimalism and nature blended almost seamlessly. Ciel walked over to the minibar and fixed himself a scotch before proceeding down the long, well-lit hall way into the building. The hallway elevated into a tube with black obsidian stairs, Ciel stared downwards to the jungle below him. Black slithering creature he didn't know the names for crawled around on the forest floor and slaughtered smaller black creatures he also did not know the names for. He stood in silence just watching the nature around him with a drink in his hand. He had become so accustomed to the technology all around him that he forgot how nature could be so beautiful, and yet so brutal at the very same time.

The hallway split into two section, one that went to what seemed to the the fourth floor, and another that went downwards with a handwritten sign that said "basement". Ciel didn't think Sebastian would be in the basement so he opened the glass door into the room. The wals were painted white with a large television in one corner with the kitchen in the far back corner. Ciel looked around, and opened the refrigerator. No Sebastian to be found anywhere in sight. Which was odd, because from his previous place in the hall way, he could see almost the entire home and it's insides through the glass panels.

"Sebastian?" he called out, unsurprisingly, he did not receive an answer.

Ciel walked out of the living room and kitchen area, into another glass paneled hall way. He took the first exit, which left him entirely out of the house and on the very top of the water fall. The top of the mountainous area was covered with a large lake with several geothermal pools scattered around it. He walked casually over to the edge in his high-heeled open toe shoes and looked over the side. It looked a lot taller from up here. Behind him he could see the entire island, a good part of it was occupied by this house, except a large spanse of jungle to his left and decently sized black sand beach to the right.

"Enjoying the view from the top of my mansion?" Sebastian asked. Ciel jumped, looking behind him. Sebastian was standing in the shallow river, laughing at Ciel's look of awe and bewilderment.

"It puts mine to shame." Ciel said. He still owned the Phantomhive manor back on earth, not like he'd ever planned on going back there again, but his name was still somewhere in the deed.

"Indeed it does. Now if you don't mind, I have things to do and you are impeding on that." Sebastian said before jumping off the top of the water fall, doing a backwards dive.

Ciel looked over the edge, Sebastian did a long sequence of a black flip, twist, front flip, pose, back flip, back flip, front flip, somersault, some weird acrobatic thing, and then he fell the pool below, him but before Sebastian could hit the water, he disappeared into thin air. Ciel, was confused at first and then he remembered that Jeff was able to teleport him, and assumed, almost immediately, that Sebastian just teleported through some invisible portal. Ciel jumped forward off the waterfall, folding back his leathery wings so that they did not interfere with his aerodynamics. However, as he hit the lagoon, he soon discovered that the area in front of the water fall had a scant two-foot depth of fresh water right above solid rock that has been artificially covered with a thin layer of beach sand. Ciel's body hit the bottom in a splattering mess that stained the entire expanse of water a bright red color.

Of course, Ciel recovered from his shattering fall in just a few minutes of the pure agony that happens when your entire body turns into mush after falling from a few thousand feet. He sat up in the water, his entire outfit was ruined and wet and he didn't have a change of clothes. After this, his head was pounding, and he could feel the throbbing ache all the way from his toes to the tips of his horns. Sebastian sat the bar, laughing hysterically at his master's misfortune.


	37. giant ass margaritas

_I drew a comic featuring Ciel here:_  
_{http}{:}/{/fav}.m{e/d4b}9vs3 (remove brackets, please)_  
_I've been wanting to post it for awhile but I didn't want to spoil the fun of Ciel's adult form, though admittedly, he should probably look a bit older than this but this comic is also poorly drawn and the quote is stolen from Stephen King. I should actually get to doing better Superhell! drawings but my carpal tunnel has been an item of brutality for the past three months and is not improving._

"This is the most fantastical building I've ever been in. How did you even build this?" Ciel admitted.

"I didn't build it, I won it from Claude in a bet." Sebastian said.

"Good call." Ciel said.

"Do you want me to mix up some margaritas and give you a tour or do you want get the hell out of my house and leave me alone so I can actually get some work done?" Sebastian asked. It was a rhetorical question of course, the first option of which had no intentions of actually doing.

"Mix up some margaritas. I order it of you." Ciel said, laughing at Sebastian's misery as he mixed what could be described as the perfect margarita. He salted the rims of two over sized margarita glasses and filled up. He handed one to Ciel and added an extra bit of tequila to his own. With a sigh, Sebastian started the tour by waving at the water fall.

"That is the entrance to my personal quarters, which is only accessible to me." Sebastian said.

"How does it work?" Ciel asked.

"Magic."

"I'm serious."

"So am I." Sebastian told him. "When this was Claude's island, he created a gateway to an extra dimension, and used that dimension as a sort of secret sound-proof area to do what ever he wanted that escaped what few laws we have in hell."

"What was he doing in there?" Ciel asked.

"Raping children, cutting children into pieces and sewing them back together wrong, severe maiming to the point of disability."

"...And you're doing that?"

"No. I'm playing MMORPG games." Sebastian told him.

"What?" Ciel asked.

"World of Warcraft." Sebastian sighed. Ciel started laughing and he could just roll his eyes and hope that he'd tire himself out.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Ciel asked, trying to stifle his laughter. "What are you, some basement dwelling nerd? No wonder why Melissa liked you so much, you two are one of a kind."

"Some of us have hobbies outside of the music industry."

"I have hobbies." Ciel said.

"Heroin, groupies and setting things on fire are not hobbies." Sebastian said.

"They are if you do them in a row and call it a triathlon." Ciel explained.

"There is no such thing as a heroin, groupies and pyromania triathlon."

"There will be if I invent it." Ciel said triumphantly.

"There is no such thing if you are the only one who partakes in it." Sebastian reminded him. If there were such a thing, Ciel would be sitting at the finish line with a crowd of groupie, a thousand syringes of heroin, a hundred lighter and nobody to share the glory with. Sure, he'd win first place, but there was more to competition than winning first place. It wouldn't be fun to do it alone.

"Yeah, because I'm the only one who likes smack, sex and fire. The only one." Ciel said sarcastically. Sebastian had to agree, it wasn't a bad combination. But Ciel's constant attitude, obnoxious behavior and disregard for responsibility tended to make everyone hate him; and they hated him for a very damn good reason.

"Master, you are turning into the worst kind of person." Sebastian told Ciel.

"I know. It's awesome."

Claude sat on the high backed black chair in front of the vanity mirrors that were set up in the small bedroom. He had made the grand mistake of going out in the rain and now his hair was a wild mess that Alois was trying to brush and failing miserably at. He had parted the sections and gently combed through them once, which almost made him look presentable... if he were a circus act. Alois picked up a large wire paddle brush which could power through any tangles and was of course, extremely expensive. He ran it through Claude's hair but soon found it getting stuck. He tried pulling on it but it was a hopeless cause.

"Uhm... Claude?" Alois asked.

"What?" Claude asked.

"The brush is stuck in your hair and I can't pull it out."

Claude reached back to pull the brush out his hair. He pulled on it as hard he could, and managed to break off the handle of the brush before he could remove the brush from his hair. He held the handle in his hand and felt that the bristles still kept the brush firmly lodged in his thick hair. Alois took out a pair of scissors and smiled at Claude.

"I can just give you short hair again. It look so much better on you, anyways!"

"It does not." Claude said, taking away the scissors. "We will just wait until Sebastian gets back so he can help us pry the brush out of my hair."

"Oh come on! You look so much younger with the short hair." Alois begged. "I promise I'll do a better job on your hair than I did on Cieels..."

"No. We are going to wait." Claude said, crossing all of his arms.

Sebastian walked around the jungle, carefully kneeling down every now and then to pick up a strange assortment of herbs, flowers and other plants. Even with all the roots, dead animals, trees, and rocks he was still able to walk in a way that was fairly graceful while Ciel tripped over roots and even the tiniest pebbles. By some strange miracle, not a single drop managed to spill from his over sized martini glass as he drank it and followed Sebastian around the jungle. Sebastian did not like the unwelcome spectator, but there was no reasoning himself out of it, there was no telling Ciel to fuck off and leave him alone, so Sebastian dealt with it by politely ignoring him.

Ciel followed Sebastian through the glass hall way, up into the main house and then they descended underground in some glass elevator into a sterile looking laboratory. Sebastian poured the contents onto a white marble counter and washed the dirt off of them. Then he carefully stripped the petal off one kind of flower and ground them to a fine mush and mixed it with a series of oils and emulsifiers. Ciel looked over Sebastian's shoulders as he worked methodically. He was as careful mixing the various hair products as a scientist or master chef would be. Using funnels, Sebastian poured them into amber colored bottles and corked the bottles tightly. He stocked the bottles in large boxes, packing enough of the products to last for a very, very, long time and allowing for anytime Ciel's large wings might knock them over or break them.

"What now?" Ciel asked. Sebastian packed the boxes and addressed them to the main office for their record label, where they'd pick them up later. Living on an island, he had to find a new way to mail out things, which was an automated service where he could easily send out a courier ship, which would transport it in a timely manner and was also biodegradable, allowing for it to be disposed of with absolutely no environmental waste. Hell was a green planet.

Sebastian looked back at Ciel, then towards the ocean. Yes, he supposed that his job here was done and that he should get to the some what cramped tour bus where he had to spend all his time around an annoying talking cat, an annoying bipolar psychopath, an annoying rapist, and an annoying protege of charlie sheen. Or he could take a day or two off, but the latter annoyance would still cling around to him all day asking stupid questions.

"I suppose that we should get back." Sebastian said. "I have a jetski that I used to get here and we should be able to fit on it if you don't knock me into the ocean with your wings."

"Can't you just swim?" Ciel asked.

"No, I can't swim across an ocean. You may not have noticed it because Jeff teleported you here but this island is a few hundred miles away from anything else, and even farther from where we were."

"Why do you have to live in the most remote corners of hell?" Ciel asked.

"Because I like the privacy."

Together they trecked back through jungle on a path that was more clear than before, but Ciel still found himself tripping up at every possible chance until they got to the beach. A dock was there, along with the jetski Sebastian had used to get there but there was also a young man with a black mohawk hair cut who jumped on the jetski and sped off before either Sebastian or Ciel could get to him. Ciel glanced over at Sebastian.

"What do we do now, oh private one?" he asked.

"I have an idea." Sebastian said.

Jeff was sitting on Alois's laptop, the warming feeling of the battery and purring fan beneath him made him purr and fall asleep. Alois sat at the couch painting his nails a light pink color with a pale purple glitter over them. Claude snickered at Jeff while he snored during his cat nap.

"It would be funny if we painted his claws pink while he slept." Claude suggested.

"No this baby blue color would be better." Alois said as he led up a bottle of light blue polish and unscrewed the top. He very slowly and carefully approached Jeff, lightly squeezing his pink paw pads and running the blue polish over Jeff's claws. Jeff instantly woke up to the noxious chemical smell of the polish and started hissing at Alois.

"FUCK YOU!" he yowled and jumped off the laptop and underneath the couch.

"C'mon Jeff, I'm sorry." Alois kneeled down and stuck his hand under the couch to pet him, but Jeff let out a loud hissing sound and scratched his hand.

"Jeeeefff." Alois called out. Jeff hissed again.

A few hours later went by and Alois was still sitting on the floor waiting for Jeff to come out. On a plate he had make Jeff's favorite sushi, a futomaki eel roll complete with extra wasabi. Alois pushed it in front of the couch. Jeff's paws, one of which still had blue claws came forward and grasped the plate, dragging it under the couch with him. Alois would not be winning this battle.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Ciel asked. He sat on Sebastian's shoulders while Sebastian kept a tight grip on his legs. They stood at the very top of the mountain by the lake that fed the water fall on Sebastian's private island.

"Yes. Now when I leave the edge, unfold your wings and I will use you as a hang glider." Sebastian said, and started at one side of the edge and ran across to the other, Ciel let his wings and unfold, and much to his surprise, they did not plummet to the island below them.

They actually managed to stay in flight long enough for Ciel to suddenly develop a fear of heights. Sure the sight of the many little islands that dotted the ocean of hell were a very nice view. It was pretty much unparalleled to any view Ciel had ever had before, though every time that he visited more and more places in hell, the more he realized how beautiful the world could be, depending on which world you were located in. Yet, even still, his appreciation for the world was mostly stunted by his moral gray areas which were really more like moral black areas at this point.

"If you drop I will never forgive you." Sebastian said. It wasn't that he had a fear of the ocean, so much that he had a distinct dislike of falling into it from an altitude of a few thousand feet.

Sebastian landed on the roof of the parked tour bus. As inertia would have however, the second he let go of Ciel, Ciel continued moving forward and hit the ground with his face landing most of the blow. Alois looked out the window and waved to Ciel.

"Nice landing!" he shouted and took a picture with his camera.


	38. rinse, repeat, regret

_Hey, if this gets exactly 666 reviews, I will put on my slutty costume and sing you all a song while pretending to be Sebastian. It'll be fun. Everyone loves cross dressers in slutty costumes and breaking into song. Well, not everyone. Just Rocky Horror enthusiasts, really. _

Sebastian unpacked his bottles into the bathroom, stocking the shelves with amber bottles with hand painted labels. While he did that, he tugged the brush out of Claude's hair with minimal effort but he also ripped out a good amount of his hair. It was not noticeable, due to the thick wiry nature of Claude's hair but it was still painful. Sebastian did not care if he hurt him, if anything, he enjoyed it. Claude glared at him as he threw the broken brush pad into the trash can.

"Have you seen Jeff? I can't find him." Sebastian asked.

"Those faggots put nail polish on me!" Jeff meowed from under the couch.

"You two are idiots." Sebastian said, pulling Jeff from under the couch. Jeff sank his claws into Sebastian's shoulder and purred up next to his chin. "Nail polish makes kitties sick." he scolded the both of them and set Jeff on the kitchen counter. He squeezed the claws out of Jeff's paw.

"Sorry, this might sting a bit." he soaked a q-tip with nail polish removed and carefully buffed the nail polish off Jeff's claws one by one. He then picked up Jeff and rinses the nail polish removed off his paw underneath sink and dried it with a towel.

"And here's some colby jack." Sebastian said, patting Jeff on the head and placing a thick slice of cheese in front of him. Jeff scarfed it down.

"Thanks Sebs." he said. Jeff leaped down from the counter and happily trotted over to the couch, and on his way he hissed at Alois, then returned to his favorite napping spot, Ciel's lap.

"You have chick thighs." Jeff said. Ciel looked down at him, feeling rather insulted.

"_What_?"

"You have soft and squishy thighs. Like a woman."

"_Excuse me_."

"Deal with it. It makes you makes you comfortable unlike the two anorexic bony-ass fuckers over there." Jeff said, clearly referencing both Sebastian and Alois. With Sebastian, he was bony as hell by nature but Alois quite purposefully limited his diet to almost insane restrictions.

"Whatever." Ciel said, petting Jeff. Jeff rolled around on his lap, purring and nipping at Ciel's fingertips while Ciel tried to use the internet on Alois's phone.

"Why are you always taking shitty photos of me?" Ciel asked.

"I post them online." Alois said. Ciel chocked on his drink for a second.

"What?"

"I run a fanblog all about candid photos of you."

"I thought that was Jeff's."

"No. I blog about a little bit of everything but you get mentioned all the time because you're a bunch of faggots who tire me day after day." Jeff corrected Alois.

"Plus I'm using tumblr as a blogging platform and Jeff is on blogspot." Alois explained. "You should really get more involved with your fans."

"One word, Alois: _Melissa_."

"Shit, we forgot about the whole Virgin of the Luna thing. We better fuckin' update this before her batshit fanbase puts a jihad on us." Alois said. He quickly grabbed his laptop and logged in to the website, only to find that he couldn't log in.

"Ciel, did you change the password?"

"No, why?"

"Because I can't log in." Alois said.

Ciel and Alois exchanged a look with each other that needed no replication. It was simultaneously clicking gears and scaring the shit out of them. Ciel stood up and walked over to Alois and looked at the screen of the laptop. They both wanted to shout out no no no no no no no but there ws no shouting that could save them. Being quiet would have been a better choice.

"Sebastian!" Ciel called out. Sebastian walked over and looked down at the screen.

"Lovely." Sebastian said.

"Lucille is evil." Alois said.

"That she is." Sebastian stated.

"My mother must've have been pretty fucking angry for her to do that." Jeff said. "It usually takes a miracle and a half for her to even consider putting someone on the IRQ much less putting them on it for the very sake of spite." Jeff told them.

"What is the IRQ?" Sebastian asked.

"The Infinite Reincarnation Queue. It means they'll just be constantly incarnated into a singular chosen form at the place of death at the time of death with out needing to be sorted into the approval queue or soul library in hell." Jeff said. Alois, Ciel and Sebastian stared him like_ 'what the hell are you are you talking about?'_. "You know Kenny from South Park? It's like that."

"Fuck." Alois said. "I wonder if she's still mad at Sebastian." he mused.

"Considering that my father dressed up as him for bait while I shot her in the face and then had Sebastian bury her corpse under his koi pond- I would say so." Ciel said.

"I wonder if she'll ever come around again." Alois said. "I'd really like to meet her, she seems nice."

"Nice?" Sebastian asked. "This woman used me as some deranged sex slave and published pornographic graphic stories about me without my permission even after I quit the contract I had with her. Do you have any idea how many restraining orders I have put on her that she completely ignored?"

"Seventeen?" Ciel asked.

"Close. It was sixteen, but the point remains!" Sebastian said. "She deserved to die and stay dead!"

"Maybe you should talk out your issues with her." Alois suggested.

"Maybe _you_ should go back to sucking cock for money." Sebastian snapped.

"Too far, man. Too far." Alois said as he wiped tears out of the corner of his glitter lined eyes with a tissue given to him by Jeff.

"That was too mean, Sebastian. Even for Alois." Ciel scolded him, but Sebastian stayed by his point.

"Hey guys I have the best idea ever." Jeff said, leaping on Alois's shoulder.

"Does it involve getting rid of Melissa Roswell?" Sebastian asked.

"No. But it does a way for us to make money that I thought of by you mentioning your crazy ass horny fan girls. We're going to make a girly calender of you."

"So you're going to degrade me for the sake of profit again?" Sebastian asked with a sigh.

"Damn straight." Jeff said. "Now I bought a uniform for you to wear."

"I hate you so much." Sebastian said. He stood in the bathroom. Alois had tacked white curtains around the walls of the room and put in lighting equipment to make it into a cheap, but effective lighting studio. Sebastian wore are black cheerleader uniform with red trim that said "Super Hell" on the front of it in bright red lettering. The top showed off most of his stomach and skirt barely managed to cover anything. Sebastian scowled as Alois set up the camera on the tripod. Alois stood back and raised an eye brow, this simply wouldn't do, it was too bland. Alois left the room and came back with a very large machete that nobody had any where it came from and didn't want to know.

"Claude get in here." Alois said. Claude entered the room and looked at the machete in his hand with a sigh and a roll of his eyes. Then he laughed at Sebastian's cheer leading uniform.

"Now put your head on the edge of the tub." Alois said as he pointed to the tub. "This for a photo shoot." Claude obediently got on his knees and kneeled down with his head over edge of the tub.

Alois lifted the machete over his head and brought it down on Claude's neck. However, Alois was a fairly weak human dosed on enough tranquilizers to bring down Charlie Sheen after a coke binge. It was going to take him more than whack to decapitate Claude. He barely made it past Claude's spine when Sebastian asked him, "Do you need help?"

"No, I've got this." Alois took another swing and Claude's head dropped into the bath tub which already had a large pool of blood forming in it. He handed Claude's head to Sebastian and stood back behind the camera. A bit of blood was splattered against Alois's face, which he didn't notice but it was a firm reminder to everyone in the room that even though he was medicated into a stupor most of the time, underneath that layer of drugs was a violent psychopath whose idea for a good photoshoot featured in a pin up calendar involved decapitating his boyfriend with a machete... for fun.

"Hold us his head." Alois said. Sebastian lifted Claude's head about waist high by his hair before Alois tip toed forward and posed Sebastian like a doll with his hand on his hip.

"Watch the hair, Michaelis." Claude said.

"Shut up and look dead." Alois told Claude. He stepped back behind the camera and looked through the screen on it.

"Tilt your pose to the right." He instructed, which Sebastian did. Alois hit the button on the camera's touch screen and it looked about right.

"Perfect. Now sew his head back on, I have another idea." Alois said.

"I had no idea he was such a nutter." Jeff whispered to Ciel.

"I once shared a body with his soul, it was much closer than you'd ever want." Ciel told Jeff.

Sebastian took out a line of thick gut sutures and a large, sharp needle normally used for embroidery and stabbed it through Claude's skin, carefully reattaching the head. He was careful to line up the vertebrae perfectly, though Claude's tendons were already regenerating themselves back together by the time he had sewn half way around his neck. Claude could feel the blood rushing back to his head in a normal matter and he admit that while his head remained unattached to his body, the lack of oxygen was strangely enjoyable.


	39. a pyramid of mediocrity

_Greetings humans. :3 I hope that some of you will continue to read this story, at least up until the end of this particular arc. It promises to be riotously funny and about twohundred and fifteen different kinds of fucked up. It also proves that I'll pretty much put anything in Superhell if someone I like asks me to. _

Jeff had called a band meeting, which meant that everyone was to sit at the small table set up in the kitchen and listen to him ramble on and on about numerical statistics, and then finish up the lecture with a long winded bitchy cat-rant about everything that they had managed to fuck up on. Just so that they knew and were entirely sure of the fact that they would be absolutely fucking nowhere if it had not been for the kind and generous nature of their furry band manager. They also would have been back at Sebastian's condo watching porn on the couch if it had not been for Jeff's ingenuity.

Now instead of a relaxing but boring life they spent their days being over popular super rock stars. Raking in millions in cash but absolutely nothing in the way of personal integrity. If anything, they were in some kind of integrity debt where they had no real self respect at all. Yet on the plus side, they were swimming in cahs and for the first time in his life, Jeff could safely say that he enjoyed going to work. Not that taking care of them wasn't incredibly stressful and annoying, it was, and they were very, very, trying on his patience. But Jeff genuinely enjoyed studying the effects of music and how certain kind of music or lyrics appealed to different audiences and how he could manipulate for optimum profiting efficiency. Plus, he was getting paid millions.

"These calendars are selling great." Jeff commented as he scrolled down the incredibly long sheet of various name, calculations and totals. "Alois, crazy as hell or not, your photographic style has really attracted more buyers." Jeff complemented him.

"Thank you. I do my very best." Alois said as he patted Jeff on the head and scratched behind his ears.

"Do you have any more ideas?" Jeff asked. Alois's expression lit up immediately, he pulled out a small pink notebook and opened it up to a page in the middle. Jeff looked over the notebook and turned a page with his paw.

"I like this idea." Jeff said.

"Really? It's awfully high budget, isn't it?" Alois asked.

"It is high budget but this is the kind of stunt that'll get us plastered all over every magazine and web feed in the galaxy and that will pay itself off in the long run." Jeff told him.

"I'm not sure if I can agree to being an attention whore for money. It is hard to deal with the fact that we can't kill Melissa Roswell anymore, much less deal with all the other insane fans." Sebastian said. Everyone else at the table glared at him. After all, none of their bodies would've sold millions of calenders. Claude was kind of creepy and gay and only really appealed to a niche market. Alois was a little boy with a gaping hole for an eye socket

"You're the vocalist. You will get up there, whore yourself out for their attention and by the great wisdom of capitalism, you'll fucking like it." Jeff said.

"So, we're on for this?" Alois asked.

"You bet we are." Jeff said.

"Yes!" Alois cheered. He stuck his tongue out at Sebastian. "My idea are _betteeer_ than_ youurs._" he mocked him, but Sebastian didn't care. Alois could keep his stupid ideas.

Alois's idea, like all of his previous idea, was really only something you could come up with if you a bipolar psychopath with disassociative identity disorder and about a years worth of medication was giving you three times a day by your gay lover, who also happened to be a demon and a pedophile. It was the rambling of a raving mad man, and hardly more sane than the time that he tried to kill of Ciel's family and friends by inviting them to a party that was actually a plot to kill them using Hannah's ability to make music that causes humans to go into violent fits of rage. This how ever, made it marginally nicer than any of Jeff's ideas, because all of Jeff's ideas were money making schemes that ignored morality just for the sake of profit. Alois also ignored morality, not because he benefited from a lack of it, but because he had no idea what the fuck morality was.

_"Join the cast of Super Hell on a weekend luxury cruise through the ocean. This cruise will feature a full course inner, dessert, and a live show. The ship itself is a full sized cruiser with several rooms, casino, spa, sporting center, and other facilities. Ten winners will be chosen through lottery and from that lottery, five lucky fans will be voted on by the members of the band. Please send us a good reason to select you through email or by post to one of the addresses listed below:_

_cruisecontest (at) superhell. foldedearsrecords. com_

_Folded Ears Records_  
_2164 Hexen Haus Drive_  
_Gotham, Southwest District_  
_Gleise_

_Andromeda Glxy, Sctn V-28_

_All entries must be no longer than 1,000 words. All contestants must be at least thirteen years of age. All selected winners may choose to bring one guest. All contestants must be able to fit underneath a 16' ceiling. The Folded Ears record label is not responsible for any damages, stolen items, deaths, injuries, or freak accidents. Folded Ears Records maintains all rights to legal action if the following and other unstated rules are ignored. All contestants must sign a legal waiver before boarding the ship."_ Claude read out slowly and Jeff looked over his shoulder to see what he was typing. Jeff typed in the last bit with his paws. There it was. The bait. The perfect. perfect attention bait and every single idiot with a career in media distribution would willingly swallow the hook.

"What if Melissa shows up?" Sebastian asked.

"That is why the final winners will be hand-picked by us. To shut your ass up." Jeff said. "Your phobia of a fairly harmless but gross human is pathetic."

"I agree with Jeff. If you_ had_ the ability to fight me off, surely she would be no problem." Claude's snide comment and smirk made it difficult for Sebastian to fight off the urge to punch him in the dick.

"I hate all of you." Sebastian complained.

"If you don't want people staring at you like a piece of meat, you should probably not design costumes that make you like a bondage slave." Ciel told him.

"I don't approve all the designs, Jeff does. I hand him a pile of designs and he chooses which ones I make. And if he doesn't like them, I design until he approves of them." Sebastian said.

"And I submit them to some idiot fan for approval because I don't feel like looking through Sebastian's shitty art work." Jeff told him. The method used to pick out the stage costumes for the band Super Hell was a hierarchy of stupidity and laziness.

Before they could say anything more, Alois found himself a comfortable place on Claude's lap where he giggled in delight at the hundreds of emails that found themselves into their email inbox. It came within a matter of minute, or was it seconds? Fuck, they typed fast. Randomly Alois clicked every other message that made it's way into the inbox and deleted them as they came in. These people never even had a chance, but they were lazy and there was no way that they were reading a few thousand emails for gushing and begging fans.

As cruel as it was, and as much as Alois cared about his fans, he could barely read english not to mention all the ones that were in written on all kinds of languages that nobody else in the band, not even Jeff, knew. Letters from as far away as the outer edges of the triangulum galaxy, letters as close by as some one down the street. The downside to being media fodder was that every little move you move was now ten times more difficult, more viewed, more publisized, and far more open criticism and therefore needing closer attention to detail. There was no more makeup less trips to the convenience store in his skimpy shorts without someone, in some far corner possibly staring him down.

The money totally made it worth it. The money always made it worth it.


	40. big titted whores

_Updating at 12:01 AM on Friday. If you're all nice to me I may post another chapter later on today. Or maybe I won't. Or maybe I'll just post it anyways, regardless if what you all do. You never know. And a super-awesome__ thank you to Scrappel, for throwing that suggestion my way. I hope you'll like what I've done with it._

"It's fanmaiilll time!" Alois cheered. He held five print outs from emails, two faxes, and three mailed and hand-written letters. Alois laid them down the table where all the band members sat at. They all had glasses and a bottle of gin sat in the middle of the table.

"Drinking rules: When someone wants to sleep with Sebastian." Ciel said. Claude and Alois snickered at Sebastian but he didn't find it funny.

"Not everyone wants to have sex with me." Sebastian said.

"Name some one." Ciel said.

"Jeff." Sebastian said.

"Name someone who doesn't want to fuck you and _isn't_ asexual."

"Isabella."

"Or your relative."

"We'll find one." Sebastian said.

"Face it Sebs, you are universally fuckable and that makes you universally profitable. Sex is the lowest common denominator of almost all races." Jeff said.

"First letter, from a Melissa Ros-"

"**Throw it out**." Sebastian said.

"C'mon, we all get to vote. And I vote yes." Alois said.

"As do I."

"I vote no." Jeff said.

"No." Ciel said.

"That's three nos and two yes, you throw it out _right now_." Sebastian said and Alois casually crumpled the letter into a ball and tossed it into the trash. As per the rules of the table, every one took a drink.

"Alright, here's one from Neko Neko." Alois said, then read over the letter quickly before passing it around the table, with a smile on his face.

"What the fuck is a Neko Neko?" Jeff asked.

"Neko is the japanese word for cat, Jeff." Sebastian told him. Jeff should've known that.

"I think it also means european boyfriend stealing slut." Claude said.

"_Dear Super Hell,_

_I really enjoy your band and your music but I wrote this letter for Alois. Alois, I am your biggest fan of all time and I would really like to come on your week end cruise trip with you because it could be a lot of fun. I am a teenage european girl hailing from earth (just like you!) but I've found my happy home here on this planet, and I'd love to have sex with you. I consider myself to be an unique person, I never try to do the same thing as anyone else or listen to what others tell me to do. I am so unique that I wear cat ears everyday. I am fluent in seventeen langauges, including enochian. My biggest passion in life is art and I'm a really talented artist and costume designer. My favorite things to do are hand cuffs, and cosplay, especially costumes that are slutty and involve cat ears. I love big titties and whores and below, I've drawn a picture of myself for you guys to look at. I totally consider myself to be a hot, big titted girl who loves to please!_

_Good bye, My dear Alois!_

_-Neko Neko" _

Underneath the letter was a drawing of a thin girl with long blonde hair and massive, Hannah-like tits wearing a main costume and cats ears which didn't cover much of anything at all. Underneath the drawing was the caption, _"I'm so awesome!"._ Alois wolfwhistled at the drawing while Claude glared at the drawing of the girl with a look of absolute hatred on his face. As if glaring at the picture could kill her from miles away.

"Did she just call herself a big titted whore and offer to sleep with Alois?" Ciel asked.

"Fuck yeah she did! So help me if any of you vote no, I'll never forgive you." Alois said.

"Absolutely not. I refuse to have this girl go anywhere near you." Claude said.

"I vote yes." Ciel said.

"I vote yes, as well. I want to see what happens." Sebastian said.

"So it's four to one." Jeff said.

"Why are you voting yes?" Claude asked Jeff.

"I fucking hate you and I want to see you miserable." Jeff said.

"So basically the same reason why I voted yes for Neko Neko?" Sebastian asked.

"Hell yeah." Jeff said, raising his paw in the air for a high five, which Sebastian would not normally do, but any reason to touch Jeff's paw was a good one.

"Fuck yes!" Alois cheered, writing down her contact information from the email address.

"Please don't tell me that you're experimenting with heterosexuality." Claude asked.

"I don't have to tell you shit." Alois said. "Next letter!"

"_To the cast of Super Hell- _

_I am a professor of plant biology the University of Andromeda from Methazine-49 and I have been developing a range of biolumnescent cosmetic products and I would like a night alone with all of you to try it out. If you select me, I'll gladly sponsor you with my full range of makeup products as well as develop custom made colors for you.  
_

_-V.M. _

_PS-  
please enjoy the samples." _

Alois took out a set of plastic bags with various powders in them. Sebastian casually open a bag that contained a fine glitter with small bits of black and purple that said "stay-still glitter" on a hand writen label. Sebastian curiously swatched the back of his hand and upon attempting to rub off the glitter, a task that any make up maven knew was a simple as breathing (as glitter is oh-so-difficult to keep on) the glitter would not move at all. This person knew what they were talking about. Also the choice of the blended colors wasn't bad either.

"Yes." Sebastian said.

"Abso-fucking-lutely" Jeff added in.

Upon swatching the colors for himself, Alois nodded enthusiastically.

"Next leeetterrr..." Alois chimed and cleared his throat while pretending to adjust an invisible pair of glasses on his face.

_"Dear Sebastian, __I think you're really hot-"_ Alois read.

Ciel and Claude took a drink.

"Throw it out." Sebastian said and thankfully, Alois crumpled it up and threw it into the wastebin.

"You are really mean to your fans." Alois said.

"You're too tolerant of those who treat you like a thing and not a person." Sebastian rebutted.

"_Dear Super Hell, _ _This letter may come to you as a surprise but I really prayed to God to help me choose somebody that will be my true partner. _ _My name is James Nandu Savimbi. I am the first son of Mr. Jonas Savinbi, the leader of the HPH movement on Prozion. May be you know that my father was killed recently in Prozion by the Interplanetary Space Squad and he has since been cremated. _ _Two weeks before he died (May be he knows he will die), he called me and showed me a box containing $20 billion and some Diamond value about $15 billion. He sent the box to a security company in Prometh for safe keeping with a false name.-" _Alois read, stopping after he got bored of the long, obviously fake email.

"Did a scammer seriously think that'd fucking work?" Jeff groaned.

"Niggers." Alois sighed. "Stupid fucking niggers."

"Dude you can't say nigger." Jeff said.

"Indeed, nice racism, Alois." Sebastian muttered.

"Whatever." Alois groaned.

"Perhaps I should read the next one." Claude suggested, cutting open the latter. A bundle of rose petals fell out of the envelope. Yet Claude unfolded the letter and smiled as he started to read it

. "_To My Darling Sebby, _ _I know that you have rejected my heart-felt offerings of love to me and that you believe that I am perverse. But I have change, changed. I would ever so much enjoy making adorable babies with you now that I have fullyfunctional uterus and a vagina to match! It is just so cold back here in London without your love all over to keep me warm at night."_

"Stop reading that. Now." Sebastian warned Claude.

"No." Claude said, smirking; and continuing his quest to read the latter though he was now holding Sebastian back at an arm's distance so that he could not grab the letter from him. Ciel and Alois giggled while Alois poured a generous amount of rum into his tea when Claude wasn't looking.

"_I do recall that time where, oh and this is so nostalgic for me to think of! My body is just shaking in pleasure from recalling it! You belived me to be nothing but a plain brunette butler with a boring ol' suit, and no makeup. But you saw past my boyish facade. You saw the woman that was burning red-hot inside of me waiting to come out. When you took me on the boy's desk as Lady Angelina was so naively playing chess in the next room over. How you used the pen in such a daring way! You made me feel like an abused slut in a way that no other man could. Your rough treatment is beyond that which I had ever know. Oh dear, I feel aroused just thinking about it. So Sebby, you make this woman feel complete and I'd love to spend an entire weekend just revisting such a love moment. Between you I. Alone. With tongue! Everywhere. _ _Love, _ _Grell Sutcliffe" _

"You did what with what now?" Ciel asked as he glared at Sebastian.

"I may have bent over Grell on your desk and fucked her senseless back when Grell and I were still pretending to be butlers instead of inhuman monsters." Sebastian admitted.

"Ugh. I bet you used my favorite pen, didn't you?"

"Indeed. And I will have you know my dear master, that I never washed it afterwards."

"Nice!" Alois cheered. Sebastian and Alois shared a highfive.

"_To the band Superhell, _ _I am parasitic alien attached to a rather hopeless and sometimes rather stubborn human. For example, he did not like it when I used his arm to write you this. I am however, sentient enough to write you this letter and say that I very much enjoy your music, even though I only have one ear to listen to it with. It however, greatly displeases my host body and it would be a time of grand merriment if I were to force him to sit through an entire weekend of it. _ _Sincerely, _ _Alistaire" _

At the end of reading even more letters, from a whole variety of fans that ranged anywhere from perfectly sane and reasonable to Grell Sutcliffe; and the members of the band ranged anywhere from mildly annoyed, laughing hysterically or incredibly drunk for no real reason. Yet even through the trials and tribulations, thy had managed to choose five of the least painful to be around fanatics from all over the universe for the trip. Jeff looked over the list until he was personally happy with it and typed up a long letter then copy-pasted it to every single winner and just changed the name each time.


	41. revenge is nigh

_Ask and you shall receive. Or don't ask. I tend to deliver anyways no matter what anyone else does or says. I try to do the best I can even if nobody notices. Also I'm finding humor in updating chapters 40 and 41 almost exactly 24 hours apart from each other. Not sure why. Just go with it. My timing is a fucking art. _

"Ta-da!" Alois cheered as he stood on the dock, waving his arms enthusiastically towards the cruise ship, which was really more like a cruise ship yacht hybrid boat of some sort that Jeff had bought for cheap under the condition that the inside of the boat was an absolute blood fest. And it was. Alois and Claude had spent tow entire days cleaning out the boat, which most consisted of scrubbing blood of the walls and ceilings of it. They kind wanted to know how it ended up like that, but it was better off for everyone involved if the reason went unsaid.

As Jeff walked through ship, checking each and every room on it to make sure that all of them were clean, and they were. Claude had done most of the interior decorating with a few suggestions here and there from Alois, which made the entire ship look incredibly fruity. The stained whie wall paper was now replaced with a pastel mint green affair throughout most areas of the ship with certain rooms carrying a pink rose floral against a mint green background. The trim around the entire ship was mostly painted a brilliant, though incredibly tacky gold. Various pink accents decorated the ship here and there, with the occasional bouquet of roses here and there. Claude's taste was rather, Chateau de Versailles.

"Congratulations, Claude. You've truly out gayed yourself." Jeff stated. Though he didn't find it an unreasonable choice, for their fan base was almost exclusively female and goodness knows, were those girls a bundle of fag hags.

"I happen to this it looks lovely and that floral themes are timeless." Claude said.

"Timelessly _gay._" Jeff added in.

"Quite. I find the bright color schemes to be thoroughly distracting and impeccably gaudy." Sebastian said. Claude glared at them, but everyone already knew that Claude and Sebastian had the almost antithetic tastes in interior design. Of course, Sebastian was just as tacky, if not more so with his almost radical preference for extreme, stark, minimalism.

"Almost everyone who won the contest was female." Jeff said. "Even though he didn't intend to, this fairy has probably catered more to their tastes than we give him credit for."

"Thank you Jeff." Claude said.

"You're still a fucking faggot, though." the cat added in.

To prepare for the evening, Sebastian and Ciel had taken to setting up the stage, for if Claude had been given the task, he most likely would have put little floating cherubs and a large golden fountain in the center of it. The stage itself was decorated in a very "Sebastian" style, complete with heavy black vinyl curtains edged with red glitter and instead of Claude's tacky props, the background was mostly going to contain a rather interesting light shoe that Jeff had programmed for them. Though Alois managed to sneak in a few (hopefully well contained) piles of stage explosives hat would launch fire and glitter everywhere, in what could either look incredibly awesome or go horribly wrong.

For eight hours they spent their times carefully executing the finer details. Such as the dinner schedule (which was made even more difficult by the fact that there was an uneven mix of demons, humans, vampires and some unknown organisms) and the various rules that had be enforced, which were mostly written down for Alois's sake and to prevent him from getting into the sake and killing everyone in sight. Which inevitably, is what happens when Alois goes off his meds. Sometimes there is arson, over thimes there is grand theift auto, but at all times, it usually ends with at least one person dead, Alois having "no recollection of it happening at all" and Claude trying to cover for his ass. Luckily, there were waivers in case he did kill everyone but for the sake of all parties involved, it was best to try and prevent any murders from occurring. Plus it would be a shame to get blood stains all over the brand new floral wallpaper Claude had just to put up. An absolute shame.

"Hi big brotheeeer!" Luca cheered, jumping around the ship merrily, running from side to side of the boat looking over the edge and pointing at the various people standing on the dock.

"Luca, does Hannah know that you came here?" Alois asked. Luca shook his head.

"Noo..."

"Luca, don't go anywhere without Hannah, it isn't safe for little boys like you running around everywhere without anyone to keep people who want to hurt you away."

"But-"

"No buts. I'm calling Hannah to tell her that you're safe here and you're going to tell her that you're sorry for running off with out her permission." Alois said as he pulled out his pink glitter covered cellphone and dialed Hannah's number and in a way that was almost too calm to really be Alois, explained to her that Luca had 'ran off somewhere and I thought he had asked you and it turns out he didn't but he's safe now and I'll watch him for the weekend to make sure he doesn't cause any trouble'. Alois handed Luca the phone and gave him the kind of glare that showed Alois's more... batshit-insane-i-will-fucking-kill-you-and-giggle-about-it side.

"Sorry for running off Hannah." Luca apologized.

"I had no idea you could actually be a responsible and caring person." Ciel said.

"Oh yeah, what makes you think that?" Alois asked.

"Because you beat Claude's face in with a cast iron skillet for misplacing your eyelash glue." Ciel explained and Alois sighed.

"What can I say? We all have our manic moments." Alois said.

"Your manic moments are violent, psychotic outbursts." Ciel told him.

"Hey look!" said Luca, pointing at Ciel, just suddenly noticing that the five foot tall rather pathetic looking excuse for a demon was now a much taller, slightly less pathetic looking (but still pathetic none the less) demon. "the midget faggot got a growth spurt!"

"What did you just call me?" Ciel asked, looking down at the little boy.

"Midget faggot!" Luca sang.

"You don't even know what those words mean. You're just repeating what Alois told you." Ciel said and Luca smiled wide.

"It means that you sucked butler-guy's cock." Luca said. Ciel glared at Alois.

"You are a horrible influence on children." Ciel told Alois.

"And you're a midget faggot!" Luca chimed in rebuttal.

As Ciel had such little patience, and because he just liked using his newly practiced abilities to piss other's off, he grabbed Luca by the back of his shirt and carried him as he flew up in the air and held Luca over the side of the ship. Luca looked down and the drop meant a near certain death and if not death, drowning or being chewed by the ships propulsion system was eminent. Still, Luca laugh and pointed at Ciel while Alois threw every single profane word that existed at Ciel.

"You put him down right the fuck now or so help me I will kill you." Alois threatened, to which Ciel dangled a still-laughing Luca over the side of the ship.

"If you insist..." Ciel said, pretending to loosen his grip on Luca.

"Damn it Ciel, this isn't funny!" Alois shouted at him.

Ciel then dropped Luca, which caused Alois to scream out for Claude's help and cry all the way into the main hall. He looked over boards for any sign of Ciel or his brother but found absolutely nothing. Alois sobbed hysterically into Claude's shoulder while Claude tried to make him feel better, but instead ended up making Alois feel even worse. Even as Ciel and Luca walked into the room laughing and Luca safely enjoying some icecrem, Alois was still crying.

"That was so mean, Ciel!" Alois cried as he held an embroidered handkerchief to his face.

"But it was funny." Ciel said.

"We got you good, didn't we big brother?" Luca asked, pointing at laughing at Alois. He truly had no concept of empathy for others, but one could really expect hat from any boy who was basically a tinier, red headed Alois.

"Making me think you had been murdered by my friend isn't funny!" Alois said.

"Yes it is." Ciel said. "And we got you ice cream, princess."

Alois accepted Ciel's peace offering of fig flavored geleto but still still had a scowl on his face, even after Luca hugged it out with him.

"So help me Ciel, by the end of this trip, I will get you back for this. I will get you back so fucking bad you will cry and beg me for mercy." Alois threatened; and he was dead serious.

"Do it, then." Ciel dared him, a move that he would most certainly regret if Alois had anything to say about it, and oh boy, did he ever.


	42. the stalker has arrived

_No double post this week. :C Though, on the plus side, on Monday I will be posting the Halloween side-story "Superhell!: A Very Fucked Up Halloween" and I promise you that it is pretty much exactly what the title says it is. So feel free to check for it Monday, or subscribe to the Superhell! Side-story "It's Always Sunny In Hell", because it will be posted on that particular story instead of a stand-alone piece. It's only slightly longer than a normal chapter so it shouldn't be a heavy read and I wish you all a wonderful weekend for free candy, parties, and probably acute alcohol poisoning._

"And so it begins..." Sebastian said with a solemn tone as he open the door to the cruise ships while tens fans gathered into the room. Some were calm, others were as loud and rambunctious as they could possibly be. Claude heard the breaking of one of his vase's and swore death the culprit if he were to ever find them.

Jeff sat at a desk in the front, checking everyone's ID to make sure hey weren't getting on without permission. Some creepy redheaded vampire came up to him with an id as well as an entire cooler full of human blood and makeup ingredients. Jeff took one look at the person and then asked, "Are you the one with the makeup sponsorship?"

"That and I brought some homebrew for you guys." they added in.

"So, how did you manage to formulate that glitter?" Sebastian asked them.

"I used a clear powdered adhesive that melts at skin temperature and is water soluble." they explained. "That way it does not effect the opacity of the glitter or become difficult to remove but is still easy enough to apply and wear for several hours without the need for a separate glitter adhesive."

"Clever. What else did you formulate?" Sebastian asked.

"Well, right now my best creation is a powder pigment that changes colors in different light sources" they said. "It's not like a duochrome or a subtle change. This one goes from purple to red to black depending on what spectrum of light hits it."

"What if there is no light?" Sebastian asked.

"But you see that only applies to visible light. In a dark room it would still be influenced by the other present spectrum but the color change would only be visible to those who could see in them."

"So Claude would be able to see a change in the color?" Sebastian asked.

"What spectrum does he see?"

"I think some ultraviolet and mostly infra-red." Sebastian said.

"Most likely. It took me a long time to formulate this because I can only see visisble light with a very limited amount of infrared. But because I studied with the methazonian's who can see in all light spectrums, I was able to test it with them and come to that conclusion." she explained.

"Do you make normal cosmetics?" Sebastian asked.

"Absolutely, but the niche market for those with hypersight pays way more than the market that buys all my traditionally made cosmetics. I can get away with charging some pretty exorbiant prices for them because nobody else can manufacture them, but for my regular lipstick, eye shadow and glitter affair, my profit margin is a lot lower even if more people buy them."

"So you inflate the fuck out anyone you possibly can?" Jeff asked and they nodded quite enthusiastically in response.

"Absolutely!"

"I like how you think." Jeff said as he leaped onto the red head's shoulder. "We are totally going to be discussing some serious-ass business."

Ciel sat at a table with Alois on one side and some brunette girl walked up to Alois and gave him a hug. Alois could only raise a single eyebrow and ask himself, just who the fuck is this girl? Then he saw the cat ears, and the silly lolita garment that wasn't exactly what Alois considered flattering. He'd been lied to. He bought into the idea that some hot blonde chick with huge tits would ride him off into the sunset. This was not a dream that could be realized or accomplished, though she may very well ride him, he'd probably only fuck her in a dark room and considering that Alois was still very much afraid of being in any room that was remotely dark- he would not be getting any tonight. Thank hell for Claude.

Ciel looked back at Alois, trying his best not to snicker, but he couldn't help himself. Then Alois got a chance to laugh right back at him when they both heard a familiar high-pitched squeal. It was none other than a certain stalker who everyone was sure was not on the list of people allowed on the ship and definitely on the list of people Sebastian had a restraining order against.

"_Oh hell no._" Ciel muttered, but it was too late. She was on the ship. Jeff's folded ear's perked up and Sebastian ran to the nearest room he could lock himself into. Claude however, was taking all of this in at rather grand proportions as he howled in laughter at Sebastian's obvious discomfort.

"How _the fuck _did she get here?" Jeff yowled.

"Oh, Loony?" NekoNeko asked. "Shes my bestfriend and super-awesome mentor!" she said a little too cheerfully while Alois sank in the despair that he was partially to blame for all this.

"Hi Ciiiel." Melissa called out waving at him.

Ciel waved back out of politeness but he was also tempted to beg Sebastian to let him join him in that locked room. Luka, being like a tiny unmedicated Alois, simply look up at the rdiculously tall and not particuarly well-shaped women.

"You look like a stalker." he said. "Stalker! Stalker!" he accused her, quite accurately really.

"I am not! You're just jealous and hating one because I'm more popular than you!" she shouted at Luka, who only gigled in reply.

"I don't fuckin' know ya', lady! But I have this feeling that you're lonely biddy who wanks it to pretty boys like midget fag over there because you're ugly and weird and creepy!" Luka said. Melissa was about to raise her voice but then decided it was too much work and went away, presumably to do something like stalk Sebastian for the rest of the weekend.

"I just don't know where he gets that foul mouth from." Alois said, shrugging. Melissa glared at him but her glares did not work on either of the two brothers.

"You are the worst possible influence any child could have." Ciel said.

"But at least I'm not a grown ass demon wearing girly girly makeup with his tiny dick hanging out." Luka said. "See Alois? You are the best big brother!" he cheered, giving Alois a hug.

"Awww..." Jeff said. "See Ciel? Even little kids know the real reason why Lizzie left you."

"Shut up." Ciel said, hitting his forehead against the table and consequently knocking over his glass of scotch with his horns.

Sebastian slowly joined Ciel at the table. "Is she gone?" he asked.

"She's looking for you but it'll take awhile for her gross ass to walk around the ship." Alois said.

"You look like midget fag but with gayer eye liner." Luka commented.

"That little brat..." Sebastian said.

"Drop it, Sebastian. He feeds off anger like a leech." Ciel warned him.

"Of all the annoying human children to save, why did Hannah pick you two brats?" Sebastian asked.

"Because she's not a dumb motherfucker who ends up getting enslaved for life by her human contractors." Alois told him.

"He... has a point, Sebastian. You really could have prevented this from happening." Ciel said.

"_You_ could have also prevented this from not happening." Sebastian added in. Which really was entirely true, Ciel didn't have to enslave him, though honestly, who the hell picks death over getting immortality and a free servant for all eternity? _No one._

"Yes but you knew better than anyone else that I fight with no honor." Ciel reminded him.

"You're also weak and impulsive." Claude added in.

"You're also about to get another sword through the chest." Sebastian retorted.

"Like that really worked last time." Claude said.

NekoNeko sat quietly drinking her soda and picking at cake while everyone else around her was full of tension, she really didn't want to intrude, and after all, she admired them so much. But she didn't understand that how anyone who seemed to have that much chemistry on stage hated each other in real life. She had lived in the delusion that they were all good friends for the longest time so that she couldn't possibly know anything else. Of course, she had always asked Melissa, who was such good friends with Sebastian as to what he was really like as a person but her faith in her friend's honesty dwindled as she approached the truth of it all. Though the second she realized the truth was less than what her fantasy chalked it up to be, NekoNeko forced the very ideas out of her mind ,refusing to believe in anything but the delusional dream she made it out to be.

"Neko!" Melissa cheered. "Sebby!" she wrapped her arms around the both of them, something that Sebastian was about to remind her violated that whole restraining order thing he had.

"I'm soooo happy all of my close friends are here with me!" Melissa said.

Sebastian and Ciel shared a glance that quickly meant that both of them may very well put their arguments aside for the weekend, as they clearly had enough annoying people to deal with already. They didn't need to add any more drama to what was already going to be a long, drawn out thing.


	43. absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

_I want to try and do more double updates, or start updating twice a week instead of once a week. So if you have any comments/encouragements on me changing my update schedule, I certainly don't mind taking suggestions but keep in mind that I do have carpal tunnel syndrome so don't expect that I'll update every day or something insane like that. I plan on having Superhell! completely uploaded and finished by the end of the year. Which means I may very well end up posting ten chapters on December 31st, 2011. lol._

Sebastian was almost never in a good mood so it's wasn't surprising that he spent the entire dinner service next to a chatting Ciel and Luca looking an antisocial gloomy Gus. He also spent it looking over his shoulder for his favorite stalker. Melissa had managed to sit herself at a reasonable distance from Sebastian or at least one that complied to the 'not within twenty feet' part of the restriction order. Ciel looked at him for a few seconds before Sebastian had to ask;

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"You look depressed. Have a drink or something." Ciel told him.

"Not all of us drink our problems away."

"Well I order you to drink until I'm right." Ciel instructed Sebastian, who only sighed in respose as Ciel filled his glass with sake.

"I suppose that you'll have to take care of me then, because there is no amount of brain cells in my mind that I could destroy in order to make me happy." Sebastian told him.

"Talking like that will get you nowhere." Ciel told him.

Luca tugged at Ciel's wings, causing Ciel to hiss at him. Luca only laughed at his anger, he was completely unphased by the concept of death, but then again, he also willingly died just to get revenge for his brother, so there wasn't a surprise to be found.

"Once you get him all liquored up, are ya' gonna' fuck him?" Luca asked.

"Where did you learn that?" Ciel asked him.

"Jimmy and Claude." Luca said. "Sometimes Claude liquors him up even though Hannah told him not to and sometimes he uses other stuff too, but Jimmy doesn't know."

"Thank you for telling everyone that." Claude said.

"Yeah really. I prefer to not know if I've been drugged." Alois added in.

"Is that really the only problem you have with it?" Sebastian had to ask.

"You bet it is." Alois said. His standards were not particularly high and he'd pretty much put up with anything Claude said or did or forced him to do to himself. Alois wasn't that lonely, he wasn't that bored or really that incapable of finding someone else to be with. He just liked Claude enough to not care if and how many awful things Claude did to him, most of without him knowing. But if Alois ever got the choice between knowing and not knowing, he'd just rather believe the best of Claude. Even if it wasn't true. Especially because it isn't true.

"How foolish." Sebastian commented.

He was shot gunning down one (rather large) glass of every kind of liquor they had on the ship, which there was hundreds of. Sure, Ciel had ordered it of him but he was going to drink a ridiculous amount of just for the sake of spite and the _sake_ of spite. Though now he was drinking cake-flavored and even he though he hated cake, he found the alcohol content to be acceptable enough for him to not just pour it on the floor instead of drinking it.

"You're really taking his orders seriously." Alois said, his head perched in both of his hands, looking up at Sebastian in admiration.

"I have to." Sebastian replied. Note to himself: The walls are moving but they are in the same place.

"He doesn't really get a choice. Which is kind of mean but if I gave him choices, there is a one hundred percent chance that he would do something unpleasant to me. He even has a list." Ciel explained.

"How tragic!" NekoNeko cried out. "The story of two lovers, but no! One is trapped in a never ending vice of servitude while the other waits in pain, that the second he let's lover go, that he'll truly be lost! So he keeps him chained, so they'll never be apart!"

"I think you have missed a few details." Sebastian told her.

"Yeah, the like the entire fucking story." Alois sighed.

"What do you mean?" NekoNeko asked.

"I know it may seem different because we kiss on stage a lot for the fanservice, but we actually hate each other and if I was not personally attached to this one for the rest of eternity, I would probably never speak to him again." Ciel said.

"I have a list of various torture techniques I'd use on him." Sebastian added in.

"They fight all the time. I'm shocked Sebastian still hasn't found a loophole in the revised contract but Hannah wrote it up, which makes it pretty much air-tight since she does have an advanced degree in demonic legal relations regarding slavery contracts." Claude said.

"So they're not star crossed lovers unable to admit their feelings for each other?" NekoNeko asked. Th expression on her face looked so sad and disappointed, but nobody was about to spare her feelings, or actually even cared to.

"Not at all." Ciel said.

"Complete disdain between us." Sebastian added to it.

"Hatred." Ciel added.

"_Total _hatred." Sebastian clarified.

NekoNeko was almost sad, just almost. Her mind was still not capable of seeing past what vacuous fanservice existed so of course- it was immediately pushed out. Anything that did not follow her discourse of brain power was pushed out. Anything that questioned whether or not she was right was both pushed out and defamed until further notice. Anything that raised questions was stamped out immediately. All other queries would be met with sweet, distracting words that did absolutely nothing to answer the question but did everything to distract from it. This was all fine and good to anyone that was dumb enough to believe in her charades as NekoNeko was- but for anyone else, simply being around such a delusional, dishonest girl was quite honestly tiring.

Jeff was about to surf dimensions before he realized that he had to be there and had no other choice but to be there. He was the holder of the label and the manager of the band and a lawyer and a few other things Jeff may have forgotten but was still obligated to do. He quickly found out that while some of the guests were mentally competent enough for decent conversation, the loudest of the guests, namely Melissa and her buddy NekoNeko were positively unbearable to be around for longer than five minutes. So Jeff and everyone else with intelligence above that of a piece of fruit suffered in relative silence while they listened to these idiots drag on and on about things that obviously weren't true while stroking each other's egos. It was a quite a pitiful ship to sail on, that night. Luckily for everyone, Luca was hilarious. Cruel, completely inappropriate and unabashedly rude, but listening to that kid speak counted as a form of comedic therapy for the mind-numbing neurotoxin of listening to Melissa and NekoNeko talk.

"So help me if they don't silence their mouths, I shall poison them before the night is over." Claude muttered in enochian, a language that gratefully, NekoNeko and Melissa weren't fluent in though NekoNeko had claimed that she was.

"I would pay for their silence." Sebastian said back.

"Are you two speaking voynich?" NekoNeko asked. Claude laughed in reply.

"Let's just say that." Claude said.

"I can speak that language too, you know!" NekoNeko said.

"I am sure that you can." Sebastian replied, politely stifling his laughter.

"What fool doth this mortal be." Claude told Sebastian in voynich. The both of them cracking up.

Ciel was the only demon in the room who couldn't understand what they were saying. NekoNeko "translated" it for Melissa, who only spoke english. Jeff listened in the conversation, but his knowledge of demon language was not the same as Claude and Sebastian's knowledge of demon language. Demons had a different number of languages that depending on which planet you were on, counted from anywhere to five distinct language with several dialects to somewhere in the realm of two thousand distinct languages and those dialects. Sebastian and Claude, both hailing on earth around the same time would have a different dialect to their voice than what Jeff normally understood. Though he certainly got the jist of their conversation.

"You two are old as fuck." Jeff said to the both of them in english. "I can barely fucking understand your dialect. It's worse than trying to talk to Beelzebub."

"I'm not old." Sebastian said.

"According to my research, which is never wrong, you're over fourteen thousand years of old as fuck." Jeff corrected him, and Jeff's research was well, never wrong.

"Considering that the average age of death for a demon is in the realm of the hundreds of thousands of years, I am far from old. I am not even middle aged." Sebastian argued.

"Considering most demons die in accidents or murder before they hit fourteen thousand, and even considering that suicide is considered a natural cause of death after the age of one hundred thousand, you are still mighty fucking old. Not as old as Claude, but you're getting' there."

"I'm not old either." Claude said.

"And you're eighteen thousand." Jeff said.

"Why the fuck are you counting?" Alois asked.

"Because I have a huge fucking boner for history, thats why." Jeff told him. Which was true. History, above everything else, was Jeff reason to be. The same way that Alois's reason to be was Claude, in the same way that Ciel's reason to be was hedonistic pleasure, in the same way that Sebastian's reason to be was to be left the fuck lone, and that Melissa's reason to be was stalking Sebastian. Everyone had this one little thing that they pursued more than others, and while everyone (mostly) had a large range of interests, there was always one that would win out. Jeff liked a lot of things, but he liked history more than all of those things combined.

"This is going to be the worst weekend" Sebastian said under his breath, mostly to himself though he was sure that Jeff could probably hear it too.


	44. all work and no play

_Since Neneko told all her fans to come find me, I have gained thirty new subscribers to this story, ten new subscribers to my entire account and I've received a huge spike in page views. Which makes her go from my #1 Idiot to my #1 PR person. Thanks, bro! _

_To my readers, who will put up me no matter what drivel or drama or horrible prose I give you, I don't know why you've stuck around so long but I really do appreciate it. You all really kick a lot of ass and I'm happy that I'm surrounded by a neato group of people. I wish I could make a superhell! readers holiday and give you all hand baked treats bu that's never going to be possible. But if it was, I totally would because you deserve way much more than the terrible entertainment you receive. _

"Jimmy, can I call him stumbles?" Luca asked innocently with his big brown eyes staring up at Alois. He was pointing to Sebastian, who as his nickname would say, was stumbling around like a drunken idiot most likely because he had drunk himself silly. Granted, Sebastian would normally have never done such a thing in public, much less a public in which the other people around him were liable to sexually assault him, but his master did order it and therefore, he had no choice.

"Yes." Alois said, laughing. "We shall all call him stumbles."

"I suppose I should have told him when to stop." Ciel said.

"I am not sure if he is going for a planetary record or doing this out of sheer spite, but in any case, I am very impressed by his drinking abilities." Claude said.

"I'm impressed he can walk in those heels." a man in an extravagant ballgown and feathered tricorn hat commented as he walked by.

Sebastian stumbled over here and there, barely clinging to the walls. Nobody bothered to get in his way, but they didn't bother to help him either. Everyone just sort of watched him make a complete ass of himself in morbid amusement. Sebastian ever acted like that in public. Sometimes he acted like that on the tourbus when he thought nobody else was around. Ciel was halfway between amusement and shock when he picked amusement because it's easier to be amused by someone's pain than it is to actually empathize with it.

"I better go watch after him in case catgirl or Melissa try to jump him." Ciel said.

"Oh NekoNeko." Claude said, looking at Alois and smirking. "So much for a big titted blonde whore, am I correct?" he teased. Alois growled at him.

"Shut up. It's your ass getting into bed with me tonight, then." Alois told him.

"That's soooo cute, Aloisu-kun~" Melissa said.

"What is an Alois...ooo..kun?" Alois asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"_You_, silly!" NekoNeko cheered. "Aloisu-kun is the the most kawaii!"

"What is kawaii?" Alois asked. Claude groaned and wanted to drag Alois away or in the very least make him stop asking these girls questions.

"Cute!" NekoNeko cheered, hugging Alois tightly. Melissa joined it, and together the two weaboos crushed Alois between their out of shape bodies to form an Alois Trancy sandwich. Claude crossed his arms and waited patiently and silently with a rather unpleasant expression on his face for them to leave him and Alois the hell alone.

"I bet you're like, the most sugio kawaaaiiii in bed, Aloisu-kun~" Melissa cheered.

"I bet Claude like, rapes you all the time and you're the cutie-wutiest wittle uke!" NekoNeko added in.

At that very moment, Alois knew that Claude, not being fond of ignorance, would say something and so, Alois seperated himself from the two girls and pressed his his hand over Claude's mouth. At the moment of them being within close proximity to each other, Melissa and NekoNeko sighed and then promptly let out loud, pig-like squealing noises.

"I know what you are going to say and it's not very nice so don't say it." Alois told him. Claude used one of his spiderlegs to remove Alois's hand from his mouth.

"I absolutely _will _say it. I am gay, and I am currently dating a young human man, but there is nothing wrong or unnatural about our relationship. It is nothing special. We are gay and that is no reason for you two idiots to stalk us or harass us with demeaning questions about our sex life or our relationship. We are_ not_ together just to give you something to faun and squeal over so I suggest stopping the inappropriate and ignorant commentary." Claude told him. NekoNeko and Melissa seemed genuinely hurt or offended by it, and were completely unable to understand why Claude or anyone else would react that way from what they had said.

"Eh... Sorry about that!" Alois said cheerfully. He pushed Claude down the hallway and waved goodbye to Melissa and NekoNeko. He shoved Claude into a random room and locked the door.

"What?" Claude asked. Alois glared at him.

"Stop being mean to our fans." Alois scolded Claude.

"They should consider themselves lucky that I take so much pride in the decorations on this boat or otherwise I would tear them into tiny bits and play around in their blood." Claude said.

"Claude." Alois stood on his toes and flicked Claude on the forehead. "Don't threaten, insult, tell off or maim our fans." he told him. Claude pouted in response.

"I will not tolerate ignorance." Claude said.

"I knooow and I love that your defend our relationship, I just don't want us getting in trouble or losing from it, 'kay?" Alois said as he hugged Claude round the waist.

"Fine but if they touch you again, there will be dismemberment." Claude said.

"Speaking of members, darlin', maybe some sex will distract you from hating our fans, yes? Possibly?" Alois asked. "I have condoms in my puuuurse."

"Really?" Claude asked.

"Yeah. I have those, a flask and a lighter in here along with my makeup and a cellphone. I don't care how fruity it looks, this thing is fuckin' handy _and_ it matches my blazer." Alois said.

"Give me the lighter." Claude said, holding out his hand.

"I promise I won't set anyone one fire with it." Alois told him.

"Give me the lighter and I'll suck you off." Claude bargained.

"Okay." Alois said, handing Claude the lighter and taking out his condoms.

Ciel had lost Sebastian, but he hadn't lost any of the strange people that were following him around he ship. He had a semi-enjoyable drink with the two cliquey vampires, Jeremy and Vivien, who were exactly what Ciel had expected. _Vampires._ Were of course notoriously elitist and very rarely hung around with humans and when they did, often made snide remarks without a single care as to whether or not the person they were making those remarks about could hear them. Ciel hadn't particularly cared for them much but anything was better than the squealing death. Even listening to the two of them talk about idle gossip over a tall glass on blood.

Alois and Claude were no where to be found but Luca was happily following Ciel around like a profanity-spouting puppy. He made comments on everything, and spared no expenses like calling Claude's golden vases "super queer" and even giving the guests nicknames like "stupid fucking catears", and "turd stalker". Ciel was wondering just how Alois put up with this for so long, then immediately felt sorry for Hannah for having to take care of both of them in Hell.

"I bet Jimmy and Claude are fuckin' in a closet somewhere." Luca said.

"I'm sure they are." Ciel replied.

"Ciiiieeelll~" Melissa cheered, snapping a quick picture with her camera. She didn't turn the flash off which made Ciel let out a low hissing noise as the bright light offended his delicate eye sight.

NekoNeko was trailing behind Melissa like her favorite little intern. She still felt sad and dejected from Claude's long lecture on how her fetishizing homosexuals was just as bad as discriminating against them but Ciel was here and his bare skin thoroughly distracted NekoNeko from rational thought. Ciel of course had no choice on the matter of showing off most of his torso, as having horns and wings made it incredibly impractical to even attempt wearing a shirt. Surely, if himself from decades on decades ago was told that one day he'd walk around without a shirt on wearing high heels shoes and pants that only just barely fit the requirement of being called pants, h would have never believed it. If the younger, human Ciel had seen what he'd turn into, he would have been repulsed.

But the current Ciel, the much older, much less responsible much happier and more willing-to-take-risks Ciel saw no problem in wearing nearly nothing. After all, it was incredibly hot in Hell, and he also couldn't really be bothered to cover up a body that he was actually proud to be the owner of. Still, his pride did not excuse the rude behavior of the women gawking at him. He was sure if he gawked at them like hey were a piece of meat, they wouldn't like it too much, either. Yet NekoNeko and Melissa still stared at him creepily with smiles on their faces, just happy to check out his bare skin. Ciel was starting to understand why Sebastian had such a personal distaste for showing off his skin in front of other people. Attention was not always fun to receive.

"Are you two going to follow me around all night?" Ciel asked.

"It depends, where're you going, Cielu-kun..." NekoNeko said.

"Trying to find Sebastian but he's probably safer where he is now." Ciel told her. After all, the two main people Sebastian wanted to be far, far away from were now following Ciel around. If there was anything Ciel could do to keep Sebastian safe, keeping these two distracted would be it.

"_Humans._" Jeremy commented as he and Vivien walked by with a tall human-esque, human-like human with a large, plantlike growths covering his body.

"You can come talk with me some place quiet if you want to." Ciel suggested. The two of them let out a highpitched squeal which Ciel assumed meant 'yes'.

"Oh fuck you, Ciel!" Luca exclaimed before skipping off somewhere. Ciel was worried about him at first but decided that it might just be better to let Luca run off to bug someone else. Maybe he'd give those snooty vampires something to talk about.

Sebastian had stumbled his way up to the top deck of the ship where there was a pool and as fate would have it a bar where Jeff sat. The metal shades were drawn over the shelves of liquor but the lights were on and Jeff mewed and pawed at it. Sebastian pulled up the metal shades with a rattle and slumped over the edge of the bar, mixing Jeff a drink. Jeff sat patiently at the bar while Sebastian scanned the rows of bottles, the text was now fuzzy and he had managed to even forget what he was doing or where he was twice. Jeff meowed at him until he remembered.

"Good evening, Mr. Torrence." Sebastian said. He filled up a shallow but wide margarita glass with some delicious cat-friendly and approved liquor.

"Thanks, Lloyd." Jeff replied.


	45. cheap perfume and a filthy pout

_I might double update if you all are kind to me. Or maybe not. The amount of my daily word processing is much more effected by my carpal tunnel than by how others treat me. Though if anyone would like to treat me to free surgery, I'd appreciate it. _

"That was fun." Alois said, closing the door behind him. He buttoned up the white blazer that he wore and in the golden cherub-bordered mirror adjusted his captain's hat so that it tilted at the perfect jaunty angle and made sure that his epaulets weren't out of place. Claude combed his thick hair, as it didn't take much of Alois grabbing on it to make it looks like even more of a wild rat's nest than it already was. Alois took the lighter out of Claude's back pocket as he pinched his ass and slipped it back into his white purse, that really did look great with his outfit.

"I think I have gotten out my rage for the next few days." Claude said.

Luca stood outside of the hall, leaning against one of the expensive tables that a vase and some icecream stood on. He stared at Alois and Claude, and then pouted at them. Claude couldn't possibly imagine what Luca could've wanted or why he was staring at Claude like he was about punch him in the dick but Alois always knew how to interpret every silly little move his brother made.

"You two need to learn what quickie means!" Luca said, crossing his arms as Alois hugged him.

"I do not even want to know how you know what that means." Claude said.

"I know what is means because Ciel fucking ditched me to sleep with two grody girls and I had to fucking sit here and wait for you to stop fucking my brother up the arse so I could have someone to cool hang out with." Luca complained loudly.

"Wait, gross girls?" Alois asked. "Like the cat ears?"

"Yep. The really tall smelly girl too."

"Hoooolyyy shiiiit." Alois said, taking Luca by the hand and running off into the distance as fast as he could, the two brothers leaving Claude behind. Claude had no idea what they were up to but he also didn't really care to know and besides, he felt like going up to roof for a nice drink against the warm ocean breeze, where hopefully, it was more quiet.

The top of the ship was quiet, since nobody really knew that there was actually a bar and hot tubs up on the roof. Or perhaps they did know and just didn't really care about it. Most of the guests consisted of people who should never be allowed to wear swim wear or those who simply lacked the ability to go out with their skin facing the sun light. Though Claude mulled over the idea of possibly getting Alois to ditch his younger younger brother so they could have more alone time, it was almost certain that Luca, being the annoying brat he was, wouldn't let Claude get in another minute.

"Dude you are sooo wasted." Jeff slurred. He laid on the smooth wood of the counter, laying on his back with his fat rolls hanging off the edge. Jeff purred as Sebastian scratched the underside of his chin.

"So are you." Sebastian said back. He was slumped over the edge of the bar, incapable of being coordinated enough to carry his own weight around in his pointy stiletto heels.

"You're both completely inebriated." Claude said calmly, taking out a bottle of liquor and hoarding it all for himself. He didn't even bother with a glass.

"Hey... hey..." Jeff said, trying to find the words but finding much difficulty instead. "fuck you."

"We should uhhh... push Claude off the roof." Sebastian suggested.

"You can not even stand, much less push me off the roof." Claude said. He climbed on top of the marble counter and laid down on it.

"I really can not stand being around that little brat." Claude said. Jeff and Sebastian stared at him with a glare of contempt. They may have been drunk but neither Jeff or Sebastian were the kind of persons who became more tolerant after a few drinks.

"I really don't give a fuck." Jeff slurred.

"Get the fuck outta' here." Sebastian added in.

"And to think that I was going out of my way to be nice to you two." Claude stood up, and flicked his hair back as he glared at them.

"You look like such pathetic fag, tryin' to hang out with us." Jeff said.

"Nobody wants to be around you. Even your little brain-washed fuck toy is starting to get tired of you." Sebastian told Claude. Jeff leaped unto Sebastian shoulder.

"Maybe you should you just jump into VY Canis Majoris and get over it."

"You two are incoherent drunkards, who cares what you think?" Claude asked, as he walked away.

"We care." Jeff said, as he raised his glass with his fuzzy paws. Sebastian clinked it with him.

The ship was a lot larger if you were searching frantically for a single person inside of it, Alois noticed. When he was decorating it it seemed almost small but now he was running through each floor looking high and low for a single demon and two rather unattractive human girls. Was that really so hard of a task? Apparently so for Alois.

"What are we looking for?" Luca asked.

"Ciel." Alois said.

"Whyyyy." Luca asked.

"Trust me. This is very fucking important. Our very lives depend on finding him." Alois said, laughing.

He stumbled upon the vampires again, sitting on the rail of the boat and he was tempted to see what would happen if he pushed one of them off. They were smoking cloves cigarettes and probably making that wallpaper Alois had spent hours putting up tarnish and stink for the next of forever. Alois wasn't paying attention to their conversation but it was probably about something pretnetious.

"Have you seen Ciel?" Alois asked.

"He walked by us with those loud girls about forty five minutes go when we were by the bar." Jeremy explained. Alois's face lit up with delight at the prospect of this new lead.

"Which direction if I may ask?"

"That way." the red headed vampire said, pointing towards the bow end of the ship.

"Thankyouuu~!" Alois cheered as he grabbed Luca by the hand and they continued running after their goal. Neither of them had the time to catch their breath, for there were much, much more important things at stake if they were to do so.

Alois and Luca enetered the hallway where the guest rooms ere. This was actually the last palce they looked because Ciel had a tendency to not have sex in the conventional places one would expect. Most likely because he though he slept around as much as he could and was essentially a slut, Ciel still had no idea how sex worked. Then again, Alois doubt Melissa or NekoNeko ever got laid in their loves so at least they wouldn't know how fucking awful Ciel's technique was. And it was awful. Though maybe at least the two virgins had some idea that having sex on anything resembling a kitchen counter or pool table or gym equipment or bath tub or hood of a car was a bad idea.

Luca took the left side of the hall way and Alois took the right. They opened every door, and good for them all of them were unlocked. Alois had his camera phone at the ready. He was already video taping the entire conquest through the hall way. Alois reached for the knob and turned it. It was locked and he smiled with glee and quietly waved Luca over. Alois pressed his ear to the door and he could defiantly hear the tell-tale pig squealing.

"Let's kick it down on three." Alois said. They each pressed one foot against the door, then pushed back, still holding their positions. It was just like the good old times they had raiding the empty vacation houses of the rich in rural England. Alois had his camera at the ready.

"One... twoo..." they chanted out together. "Three!" they shouted before launching themselves into the door. It split it itself open for their viewing pleasure as Alois held up his camera.

"REVEEENNNNGEEE!" Alois cheered. Luca jumped up and threw glitter into the air.

"Revenge! Revenge! We're getting reveeenge!" he sang.

The video which was now being recorded was one of both shock and horror and thing no body would ever want to see. It was right up there next to Abu Ghraib on disgusting acts of sodomy. Ciel was of course, accompanied by NekoNeko, whose body was actually not the worst but painfully average, flat and lacking of any of kind of real curve at all. Then there was the scene similar to that of a war crime, the hairy, sweaty, slimy-textured, unshaven, spread-eagle body of Melissa Roswell, for all intensive purposes made Alois thank the very gods themselves that he was gayer than Richard Simmons. They were all huddled together in some moaning, gasping mass of flesh slapping against flesh.

Ciel, NekoNeko and Melissa stared at Alois like deer in the head lights. Luca covered his own eyes but the damage was already done. Alois blinked, still holding up his camera for everyone to see with smirk on his face and a stifled cackle in the back of his throat. The three fuckers stopped fucking and after a few seconds of awkward silence; a loud and shrill cry sounded out as NekoNeko covered herself with a pillow and ran around he room trying to reassemble her idiotic looking excuse for a 'lolita' outfit. Strangely enough, she had kept the ears one during sex. Melissa ran into the bathroom with ears in her eyes while Ciel stared at Alois, just now noticing that he was recording it.

"Alois you fucking tart." Ciel spat out.

"Revveeennge." Luca said, still covering his eyes with his hands.

"I am SO posting this on facebook, and tumblr, and myspace and livejournal and googleplus and and and and... I'll reanimate friendster just to post this photo!" Alois said as he let out girly trail of giggles. Ciel leaped off the bed with his pants still around the ankles.

"You better not!" Ciel warned him, trying to grab at the phone but Alois jumped back. Ciel tried to run towards him but tripped on his pants and fell face-first into the carpet, which caused Alois to laugh even harder as he showed Ciel the screen which read 'upload complete'.

"Revenge!" Alois cheered. Ciel pulled up his pants and reached for Alois but Alois had started running down the hallway.

Alois clammered up the stairwell with a very angry, very homicidal demon charging after him with all intents to harm him. It was all fun and games to him, the anti-psychotics made it almost impossible for Alois to fear for his own mortality and in the worst case scenario, Claude liked him too much to let him be killed by such a weak demon. He was laughing all the way and Ciel growled in annoyance.

"Give me it!" Ciel shouted.

Alois stood on the roof top and without hesitating, threw the very fucking expensive phone that he spent hours glueing ceramic roses and rhinestones to off the side of the roof into the ocean. Ciel and Alois looked down as it made the tiniest of splashes. The phone could be replaced. The feeling of exuberance and thrill as he sought revenge could not. Ciel glared death into the very depths of Alois's soul, but the little psycho could not be intimidated.

"You can't delete it because you don't know my passwords!" Alois cheered.

"Fuck you!" Ciel shouted.

"It'll be viral within a few hours too so theres no stopping me! My revange is complete and you will forever be known as the guy who has low enough standards to have a three-way with Melissa and NekoNeko." Alois cheered.

"What?" Sebastian stumbled over to them, over hearing Alois's proud and loud declaration of outing Ciel as a man who'd stick his dick in just about anyone.

"Ciel fucked Melissa and NekoNeko and I videotaped it and posted it online." Alois boasted.

"Duuuuuuudde. No fucking way! The drama and exposition over his sex tape will rake in soooo much caaaash." Jeff slurred, jumping from Sebastian's shoulder to Alois's and licked Alois on he cheek with his sand paper tongue. "You're liiikee, my heroo, maaaaan."

Ciel was doomed, complete and entirely doomed. His sexcapades would be broadcasted in shitty definition all over the internet and probably on some lame excuse for a 'journalist' television channel. There was no hope and no redemption for man whores. Not to mention what his parents would think, or even worse, now that his ability to lower his standards greatly with the help of alcohol was discovered even more ugly girls would want to fuck him. He'd never sleep with a pretty woman (or man) again! So in his desperation, he grabbed unto Sebastian's lower arm and jumped off the edge of the ship, flying off to some where the fuck else to hide after this whole clusterfuck of events. Maybe it would blow off quickly, or at least Ciel hoped that it would.


	46. the ophelia treatment

_I'm doing some recordings of scenes from Superhell and uploading them to youtube for shits and giggles. So find the first one of those over here:_  
_**htt p: / /tin yurl . com /sh cr uise **__(please remove the spaces)_

_And I hope to have one for each new chapter. So if you have any favorite scenes so far from Superhell that you want me to narrate, send me a request. Or any other fics, for that matter. I'll pretty much record any thing that you want me to. A lot of you seem to prefer sending me messages on tumblr or bb. net rather than through reviews, which is fine too. just tell me what you want to hear and I'll do my best to make it happen. _

From the top of the ship looking down at the ocean, it always appeared as if it were a plate of smooth, deep purple and blue glass. Though even after venturing away from the ship and away from the long wakes that trailed behind the ship, it seemed so uneasy. Though the ocean of hell was always like this for there was no naturally occurring ice and because of this the weather currents were not only unstable but particularly violent. This was why you'd get fined if you built your home to lose to shore, because it would dissapear under even some of the smaller waves.

Even though Ciel was flying thirty feet above the waves, he swore that they were high enough to hit him, though Sebastian was rather unknowing and unnoticing. Possibly because he had passed out in Ciel's arms hours ago and Ciel was now carrying the dead weight of Sebastian, who was fairly light; and all the jewelry that Sebastian was wearing, which was incredibly heavy. Though Sebastian seemed to have signs of still being alive, he only stirred a little bit before realizing that he was not on the ship, and that he was being held high above the turbulent ocean by a very irresponsible fledgling. Then he remembered why they flying across the sea and the answer that particular was 'because my master is an absolute idiot'.

"Where are we?" Sebastian asked.

"I have no idea." Ciel admitted.

"So you're lost is what you're saying." Sebastian told him.

"Yes, and I am also getting tired."

"You will not drop me into the ocean."

"I will if you continue to complain, and we're bound to hit land eventually." Ciel said.

"Oh yes, and what land will we hit? Some private island owned by someone who will probably try to murder us. Some deserted rock in the middle of nothing. What I lovely plan you have for us, master. The only downside is that you have no soul for me to consume and the second we get back Jeff is going to claw our faces off for you flying away and taking me as your accomplice."

Ciel flew closer to the surface of the ocean the tips of Sebastian's heels slid across the water as he made loud growling noises at Ciel. Who was not really bothered or phased by them anymore. Ciel lifted him from the edge of the water so that the only thing really stopping Sebastian from touching the rough waves below, was a few inches.

"Do not get these wet." Sebastian warned him. After all, these particular pair of obnoxiously expensive shoes were not water proof and would surely be ruined. Ciel nearly dropped Sebastian but caught him within the fraction of a second it took for the tip of his boot to hit the water again.

"Stop it!" Sebastian yelled. "It's not funny!"

"Yes it is." Ciel said, who now dangled a wiggling and pissed off Sebastian by his arm over the ocean as waves ran across the tops of his expensive and effeminate foot wear.

If Ciel was a smart man, he would've noticed that rogue waves were not common but expected and hat was part of the reason why Sebastian was so pissed off, because the rest of his clothes could have been ruined as well and considering that his jewelry alone was worth more than Ciel's english manor, for it to be damaged would have been an awful thing indeed. It also would have been a very, very large gap in the band's budget to replace it and for that, Jeff would have gotten incredibly angry. Ciel was too busy laughing and tormenting his slave to remember that rogue waves existed, and Sebastian was to busy trying to not to get wet to notice it.

In the same way that even if you don't know an item is hot and you touch it it will still burn you; if you do not know there is very large wave coming towards you, it will still knock you into the water. And if you're wearing massive plat forms and 90 lbs of jewelry and if you have large wings and if neither of you know how to swim, you're as good as dead. The only perhaps saving grace that is available, is that the temperature in hell is so warm that you can't freeze death in any section of the ocean and that it is impossible for marine life to live at any depth above 60,000 feet as the warm temperatures make it nigh impossible for large creatures that breathe gasses to live. The temperature is more like a tepid bath water than the often cold oceans on earth.

Ciel was only kept above the water because, while his wings were very aerodynamic, they acted like a large set of floaties that made it impossible for him to sink down. They were completely and utterly useless in he water. They were too large and had too much surface area to let him be pulled underneath while the weight of them combined with the weight his clothes pulled him down in a strange balance that was just a fraction away from leading to him being drowned. Sebastian however sank immediately, his body was thin and aerodynamic and his beloved designer boots were just about as helpful to him as having cinder blocks tied to his ankles.

He managed to grab hold of Sebastian and drag him up to the surface by his hair, which was unpleasant and painful but kept Sebastian from having his lungs fill with water, which would have caused him to sink into the ocean, forever unable to swim back to the surface, yet live on for thousands of years as his body rotted and starved. Though if given a choice, Sebastian would chose death over Ciel any day. While death was cruel, it was the lesser of many evils that Ciel made him put up with.

"Are you alright?" Ciel asked.

"My lungs are almost completely filled with water, my clothes are ruined, the clothes I spent hours tailoring on you are ruined, and neither of us know how to swim." Sebastian said. "Oh, and we are in the middle of the ocean and there is another rogue wave coming towards us."

Sebastian's rant was finished by a large wave hitting against the both of them, which was really the final weight needed to push Ciel's careful balancing act of buoyancy right underneath the water. Of course neither Ciel or Sebastian can breathe underwater. Not that demons can't breathe underwater, so much that neither of them were expecting it and it takes a little bit of time and effort for them to learn how to do so. So naturally, they drowned.

Claude and Alois, after a long Jeff-rant, retreated back to their room on the ship. The vampires were up all night in the casino playing slots with Jeff and all the humans and the demons that slept with those humans were heading off for some sleep. Alois had tucked Luca into bed and read him a story and Claude had given Alois his night time medication before crawling into bed with him.

"We should totally fuck again." Alois said.

"I was just about to suggest that." Claude said.

It didn't take long for Alois to take off his pajamas and hop back into bed with Claude, who generally didn't wear anything to bed at all. They were absolutely content with a generous amount of foreplay before they both heard a slight knocking at the door. Claude and Alois ignored it, assuming it was either Jeff or one of the bat shit fan girls trying to get another Super Hell sex tape out there on the internet. Still they continued to knock to he point where the both of them were getting annoyed.

"Jiiiimmy!" Luca howled, banging on the door. Alois pulled on his shorts from the floor and answered the door. Claude groaned and covered up his erection with a pillow, since Alois tended to not want Claude flashing his younger brother even if flashing little boys was one of Claude's favorite past times.

"What?" Alois asked.

"I'm not used to the ship and it's scaring me. Can I sleep with you?" Luca asked, holding his pillow close to him. He furrowed his brows and did his very best to look pitiful. Not that he needed to, since Alois would never turn down anything Luca asked for anyways.

"Sure." Alois said.

Luca hopped on the bed in between Claude and Alois and the second his head hit the pillow next ot his brother's, he fell asleep. Not quite like the normal off-the-walls hyper and profane child that he was during the waking hours. Alois turned around to grab Claude's pants and in the second that his back was turned, Luca stuck his tongue out at Claude and then resumed his position of pretending to be asleep. Alois didn't suspect a thing but it could be said that Alois either was incredibly unobservant, or intentionally unobservant.


	47. it's not what it looks like

_It appears that no amount of revision can calm the massive boner I have for interior design. Fun thing is that I have another audiopost. Just make it easier to bypass the whole no-URL thing, I put every thing on tinyurl. I'm not going to rickroll you guys or anything. The Audiopost is titled "Things Jeff is Not Allowed to Do" and here it is:_

_**(htt)(p):(/t)inyur(l.c)om(/7)uv358s**_

_Also, it's not entirely related but fanfictiondownloader( dot net) is a website hosting a program that lets you download and convert fanfics into .pdf and other formats so if you want to download my fics (or anyone else's, really) I think it has an extension option for e-readers too, though I'm not familiar with those since I will read my books printed on paper 'till I die. :)_

It was a sunny morning in hell and on the ship, nobody had heard from either Ciel or Sebastian and Jeff simply assumed they were going to hide from him for a week or two or at least until the cat would be less angry at them. Jeff knew however, there would never any time at which he would be pissed off at one of them for some reason or another and that attempting to wait out his fluffy fury was completely, and entirely, useless. Jeff made a memo to scratch them in the faces and vomit in Sebastian's boots the second he saw them again.

Some where on an island, seemingly deserted, washed up two obnoxious looking men wearing black and silver from head to toe. One of which seemed to wake up, completely unphased. His makeup was smeared horribly, the PVC fabric which made up his outfit was water logged, cracked and peeling. Sebastian sat up with sand in his hair and tried to shake it out which not a great deal of success. This would not have been the fist time he washed up on a beach, confused as to how he had survived but hoping that Ciel was washed far away from him or killed in the process. How lovely it would be if he were. Sebastian wasn't opposed to living out in the wilderness for a century or two if it meant that he got some time to himself.

He took a casual stroll on the beach in his heels, which sank into the sand left distinct holes in it. A few yards away, he found Ciel, who may very well have been dead. It wouldn't be entirely unusual for a such a young demon to die or become comatose. Sebastian wasn't sure how long they had spent drifting unconscious beneath the water, only to wash up on the shore somewhere strange, he couldn't tell and passed out second after going under. Ciel did not move when Sebastian lightly prodded his cheek, which had become far less squishy, though his skin was still fairly soft.

He looked like he could have been dead, his unresponsiveness was a nice sign towards the positive. His horns had several chips in them and the thin membrane of his wings was more holes than flesh. The frail and hollow bones were snapped which caused them to take on a mutated and warped appearance. Ciel was breathing, which was rather unfortunate but the rest of his condition was pitiful. Sebastian wondered if they had sank down far enough so that it became possible for Ciel to have been partially devoured by some kind of sea creature. Sebastian flipped him over so he could see more of the damage.

"What are you doing?" Ciel asked, spitting out a mouthful of sand and two lungs of sea water.

"Your wings are so badly damaged that it's quicker to grow them back then let them heal."

"What?"

"Try not to scream too loudly when I do this." Sebastian bent over Ciel's back. He clamped his teeth around the joint, between where the wing and spine connected; then pulled on it hard. Ciel completely ignored Sebastian suggestion to stay quiet and instead, started crying hysterically. To Sebastian, it was a throw back to seeing a much smaller, more human Ciel cry after hitting his toe against the side of the bath tub. Except that stubbing his toe involved a lot less blood.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he shouted.

"Stay. Still." Sebastian held him down. The second one made the distinct sound of tearing flesh but with an absence of crying as Sebastian kept his hand around Ciel's mouth.

"What are you doing to my son?"

The position Sebastian was in was not the position you'd expect a completely innocent man to be in. He practically had Ciel shoved into the sand, with his wings battered, beaten and completely ripped from his spinal cord. The high volume of blood from the open wounds was stained the sand around them a bright red color and Sebastian was caught well, with blood splattered across his mouth. Vincent Phantomhive stood in front of them with a very large gun in hand with his lover, Diderich standing not far behind him with a large hunting knife.

"We drowned and washed up here."

"You two have been missing for quite some time. Jeff called and asked me if I could call Rachel and have her check to see if you were hiding at the condo but she said she would not help. So I phoned Mr. Spears and he said that he was enjoying peace and quiet so I assumed not." Vincent said. His developed skills of detective work, while previously used under the british crown, were still put to good (though insignificant) use.

"Washing up here seems like a very lucky bet, does it not?" Diderich asked. A healthy dose of suspicion to Vincent's never-dying love for his son.

"It does but Ciel does not know anything and so, Sebastian would not know either." Vincent said.

"What wouldn't I know? Ciel asked.

"Eh, Rachel kicked me out. I took all our cash and bought this island." Vincent explained. He walked through the shoddy pathway that Diderich had hacked to the beach. Sebastian let Ciel use him as a personal crutch as they walked over branches and roots through the jungle.

Vincent's new home may not have been nearly as grand as Sebastian's physically-implausible home made from glass and marble, but it certainly had the regal quality one would expect coming from a man of nobility. It wasn't a particularly large building, no larger than a normal two-story house but it was built more like a castle sitting in the middle of the jungle. For no real reason. The dichotomy between the jungle, clearly tropical I nature and the castle, a building more normally found in colder climates was an attractive one. Even though it was newly built, vines were already making their homes in the small cracks between the bricks and mortar. The building had the same personality that Diderich did, it was cold, dark, and strangely gloomy amongst any settings whether they be happy or not. This was probably why Vincent loved it so very much.

"This is the foyer." Vincent said cheerfully, taking Ciel on the full tour of his castle even as he limped around the house, hanging on to Sebastian shoulder like a crutch.

The living room had unfinished brick walls, a fire place (though why anyone would want one in a place that is one-fifty degrees on a cold day is truly a mystery) and furniture in deep purple and reds. The walls were decorated with tapestries, swords and assorted memorabilia that was even older than Vincent's first mansion back in the 1870's. The entire interior of the castle was dark and lit up only by candle light, though Vincent did have solar panels installed on the roof of the building. There were windows but the tall trees above blocked most of the light from ever reaching them. Vincent was positively glowing with pride as he lead them into the kitchen which had a shockingly modern look to it with stainless steel appliances, gray marble counter tops, but this was contrasted by the antique wooden round table in the middle of it.

"Do you mind if I use your bathroom to clean all his blood off of myself?" Ciel asked.

"Not at all, just make sure that you wash out the tub because you'll stain the porcelain. It's upstairs near my bedroom and I have soap, which you could really stand to use by the way" Vincent told him.

Ciel looked at the condition he was in, and he looked much worse than he felt. He could see bite marks on his shoulder that were too large to have come from Sebastian. The skin on his back had regrown itself over the open wounds left by the amputation but the blood was still caked on his skin in layers thicker than Sebastian's foundation. He managed to scrub his skin clean from all the blood but for some reason the bruises hadn't healed up quite as nicely as Ciel would have hoped. He wondered just how long it would take for him to be able to fly again or if it would take so long that he'd have to completely relearn the skill again, if he'd able to relearn the skill again.

Still, there was little or nothing he could do about his clothes, the plastic fabric was already peeling, and he could almost feel the seams tear a bit as he pulled the skin tight one piece over his legs and over his arms and back. It felt lighter to not have massive appendages attached to his back, but it also felt rather empty and lonely. As if he'd lost a close friend or if he even knew what a close friend was anymore. He forgets if he ever had any at all, all of his past seems so distance that it's hard to remember whether he moved to hell ten years ago or a hundred and ten years ago. Time flies when you're having immoral fun and your perception of it is fucked by a lack of seasons and standardized time. It was dd how very little time mattered to demons, and how it also meant everything.

Ciel brushed through his hair, it now reached slightly past his shoulder blades and became difficult to manage. It was more dry and fine and easily tangled than it used be and he wondered if maybe the color was starting to become darker as well. He walked back downstairs, and eventually figured out that everyone was congregated in the foyer, or at least the was mot likely when Vincent made everyone else sit for the night. Ciel sat in a comfortable red brocade arm chair with gold painted and elegantly carved out legs like vines climbing up a tree trunk.

"Sooo...what do you think?" Vincent said, relaxing on the velvet couch with his legs resting on Diderich's lap as he attempted to read a book.

"The 1500's called and they want everything back." Sebastian said. His elitist distaste for clutter, dark and overly colorful decorated was showing.

"Yes well, I'm sure the 1980's will let you keep that lame line." Vincent told him. "Oh, speaking of lines, Ciel, I saw that video of you on the internet of that cruise ship you were on."


	48. sassy gay father

_I've uploaded yet another side-story to this story titled "Master" yesterday, and I'll be updating it again tomorrow and Sunday. It's sort of uploaded by itself because while it makes complete sense as a prequel to this story, it really doesn't because it's all told from Sebastian's perspective rather than third person perspective so putting in with all the other side-stories to his story wouldn't make any sense if you were read it all in a row. (Which I hope you don't. I can't even read them all in a sitting without wanting to die.) _

"Let's go for a walk." Vincent suggested. He held a tumbler of bourbon and ice in one hand and swished it back and forth like a b-movie villain.

"Usually he says that when he's about to shoot people in the back of the head for the british monarchy." Diderich said, snickering at Ciel.

"Now I say it when I'm pissed off at my son." Vincent said. "I should bring my pistol, too." he said as he climbed on the back of the sofa to retrieve the ornate pistol from the wall, with he drink still in his hand. He stumbled, nearly kicking Diderich in the face but he still managed to get it from it's proper display. He inspected the murder device carefully, as if he was greeting an old friend. Like most of his decor, it was beyond antique, the gold floral inlay across the pistol showed that it was a relic passed down from Phantomhive to younger Phantomhive- Vincent even died with it nearby. The pistol did not make it to Ciel, for Vincent's corpse was never found in the aftermath of the fire. Vincent inspected the inside, the chamber was nearly full, with all but one of the bullets present.

"Get walking!" Vincent shouted, jumping down from the couch with his gun pointed at Ciel's forehead.

"You're too drunk to _actually_ shoot me in the head." Ciel said. Vincent fired off one shot, hitting a small glass cup all the way in the kitchen. It shattered on contact with the bullet, creating a massive mess that Diderich would probably clean up later.

"Really now?" Vincent asked. Ciel found himself walking towards the door and out of the castle and back out into the tropical jungle in the middle of the night.

This path was slightly less freshly carved out than the previous one. Still, Ciel stumbled even over the tiniest of visible tree roots and the least-offending of pebbles. Vincent almost wanted to laugh at his incompetence, how could he even be related to this spoiled demon? Sure, Ciel as a child was weak, spoiled and of ill health. But that was a far cry from the rockstar with a rotten soul and an even more rotten attitude. Even still, if given the same changes and the same temptations that Ciel was given on a daily basis, Vincent couldn't fault him for giving in.

"Why on earth would you fuck _Melissa,_ of all the women to have ever existed in this galaxy or the milky way galaxy or in the vast space in the universe- would you pick her?" Vincent asked. Ciel didn't have an answer because he knew it was a mistake. And an easily avoided one, he wasn't nearly drunk enough that night to make the ham beast named Melissa Roswell or her poorly dressed, pathological liar friend NekoNeko attractive.

"I was offered." Ciel said.

"If I offered you free poison would you drink it?" Vincent asked.

"Would it taste good?" Ciel asked.

"Don't be a smart ass. You are not nearly witty enough to get away with the sick behavior that you've been getting up to. Do you understand why I moved here?"

"Because it's a nice place to live?"

"No, because Rachel kicked me and Diderich out of the house. After Lizzie wrote down what happened to her, Rachel disowned you, and because I refused to agree with her, disowned me as well. I've been exiled from the Phantomhive family. And so have you." Vincent explained.

"If you're so bloody displeased with me, then why not agree with them?" Ciel asked.

"Oh please, Ciel. The things you've done so far have been _nothing_ compared to the atrocities I did when I was your age. Sure, I didn't change species but I took out a hit on my parents, kept Diderich as my maid for years, oh, _and _I stole France's underwear and wore it every time a suitor visited our house. Then there was that time I got sent to prison for being well, me. Then there was all the people I killed with my own two hands, and oh, I'm sure you know the details of the job. The point is that everything you can even imagine doing, even in your sickest dreams- I've done worse. There's not a damn thing you can do that would make me _not_ proud to be your father." Vincent told Ciel.

He still had the gun out ad it was still pointed directly at the back of Ciel's head, and he was still dirnking bourbon on the rocks, and Vincent was still a retired hitman. Yet, even still, it was the sentiment of the entire moment that really mattered. A father and son chat over a iron pumped into the brain and liquor absorbed by the liver. Ciel, despite his rather fearsome appearance, and despite towering over Vincent, couldn't help but feel the slightest bit of intimidation. He would never live up quite to his father's legacy of brutality and for once, he was started to assume that was for the better.

"But please, Ciel, have some damn standards. And according to Diderich, you're pussy when you eat pussy. If you're going to have a three way with the two least appetizing specimens of the female race, at least fuck them right. For the love of everything, if you can shape shift, why wouldn't you shape shift in the one place where it actually _matters._ Even I could court a girl better than that, and let me be completely honest here, I'm entirely repulsed by all women. I get floppier than a wet noodle. How I manged to conceive you is beyond all reason."

Ciel cringed at the last statement- for he never, ever, wanted to hear the details of his conception, even in the most abstract sense. He always left it up to Vincent to break their shared antiquated notions of what just wasn't a proper detail to share. A detail that he'd never want to know but now that he did know it, Ciel just could not erase it from his mind. It was permanently scarred there for the rest of all time, only to be resurfaced by his unconscious at the most inopportune times in the future.

"You know, when I was younger, I might not have had to deal with that situation you did, but I was still an unhappy person. I lived in a society that told me that I and the only person that made me happy were rubbish. That I was disgusting, that my very existence was crime against nature. I don't want you to feel like that just because you are the way that you are. There's nothing wrong with you, and even though Rachel and Lizzie don't want anything to you with you because you are a demon, I'm not going to leave you. I already left you for dead once and I will never forgive myself for that." Vincent explained.

He spent his childhood being sent back and forth between private schools from his uncaring and unkind parents who figured out that there was something 'wrong' with him since he was able to talk. Being sent to the military baracks to make a 'man' out of him. After all, nothing made a queer boy into a proper man quite like spending his teenage years in the navy- surrounded by lots of men and absolutely no women for miles. After all, it was illegal, first and foremost, to love someone of the same sex. Sure it was never written like that but the month he spent doing hard labor only seemed to prove that was the case. Even after marrying an openminded woman, he always felt like Rachel hated him for never _really_ being able to love her. Vincent thought that maybe, she was using their son's behavior as an excuse. An excuse to get rid of their friendship of many, many years.

"You know, you are really good at not talking while I'm talking, see _this_ is why I always carry a gun with me when I need to have serious discussions with people. It really does help them listen to me when I have something to say and I just don't know how to converse without a weapon in hand." Vincent said, twirling the gun about on his finger tip. Ciel sighed and wondered if it was really safe letting him play around with antique weaponry so casually, but said nothing.

"Can you stop pointing the gun at my head now?" Ciel asked.

"Fine but usually I like to end these things by shooting something." Vincent said. Ciel took the gun from his hand and took a shot out in the dark with the pistol.

"Damn it, Vincent!" Diderich shouted. "Don't fuckin' shoot at me when I made you muffins!"

"Nice shot. I did not even hear him walking towards us." Vincent commented. Ciel handed the gun back to Vincent and Vincent put the gun in the back pocket of his pants where Diderich couldn't see it, though it wasn't like Vincent shot him to begin with.

"I could even hear him stirring batter in the kitchen from across the forest." Ciel said.

"And to think that you're one of the weak ones." Vincent laughed. As Diderich hiked through the jungle even closer to them, Vincent reached out his hand to find a perfectly baked cranberry muffin placed in it. The king of all muffins with a slight crunchy topping of natural cane sugar.

"Thank you, dearest. See Ciel? You don't need Rachel to have a mother. All you need is to put Diderich in a dress and a wig." Vincent said, which caused Diderich to scowl and flip him off.

"Oh come on, you came out here just to give me a muffin." Vincent explained.

He hooked one arm around Ciel's shoulder (which was difficult for him to reach and hold a drink at the same time, but Vincent managed to do this anyways) and another around Diderichs waist as they headed back to the entirely out-of-place-and-time castle. So what if his best friend practically ditched him after they had been married for decades, and so what if his only child was an embarrassment to the entire family lineage. None of that really seemed to matter at all, not now and not ever, because the strangeness of their family wasn't important. The really important thing was that they were happy. Though sadly, he wouldn't be getting laid tonight because Diderich's muffins tended to be a delicious, non-verbal _'sorry but I'm really tired and you need to get up early in the morning anyways'_.


	49. to lose your own game

_I have progressively unenthusiastic about writing fanfiction lately. But if you got harassed every day just because people really, **really** hated your writing, you'd probably feel jaded and unenthusiastic too. I'm pretty bored of getting a few dozens of spammy "go die slut" reviews every time I update this story so I turned off anon reviews. I know this is a guilty pleasure story for a lot of you and y'all want to stay anon but I spend way too much time deleting reviews that just insult me. Not that I don't welcome brutal critique, I do. I love brutal critique. I love grammar nazis and canon obsessions. I love having all the faults in my writing pointed out. It helps me improve. You're all welcome to hate my writing. You're all welcome to rip it to shreds, but I draw the line when the critiques turn into insults. I know I'm a raging lesbian fuckhead, I don't need 20+ anon reviews on this story reminding me. If you want to hate on me, just do it on tumblr or something._

Ciel sat in the kitchen of his father's kitchen and took something out of the pocket of his suit. Sebastian looked his shoulder as the crinkling of a plastic baggie let him know exactly what it was. Ciel took out a large, metal serving spoon and poured the contents of the bag into it, which happened to be a fine white powder. He set the spoon on the table, careful to not let even the smallest of grains spill out. He raided the cabinets searching for it- and he found it. Taking a pinch of bicarbonate of soda, baking soda, he added it to the spoon and added a few drops of water to the mixture. The tip of his finger set itself a flame as Sebastian looked on rather impressed as Ciel baked his witch's brew.

"I'm impressed that you have learned that so quickly." Sebastian said.

"Jeff has been teaching me magic." Ciel informed. The cocaine, baking soda, and water mixture boiled in the contents of the spoon, making very audible crackling water evaporated out, leaving behind cloudy looking white rocks.

"No, I meant the part where you're baking crack." Sebastian specified.

"What about crack?" Vincent asked. He looked at the rocks sitting in the spoon. He hadn't seen any decent looking crack rocks since that time him, Diderich and Lau all took a summer trip to Shanghai and spent the entire time... doing whatever it was men did in Shanghai.

"Can I smoke some?" Vincent asked. Diderich grabbed him by the collar of shirt and pulled him away.

"No, you have to get up with me early in the morning so we can get the chores done because you keep putting them off." Diderich told him.

"Okay, _mom._" Vincent said. "Leave me some and I'll smoke it in the morning. Good night Ciel, try not to wreck the house while the humans are sleeping."

Ciel set the spoon on the table. He then managed to pull a small glass tube out of nowhere. Sebastian looked on with an annoyed look on his face as Ciel divided the rocks and placed one on the tip of his finger. He held the glass pipe in his mouth over his fingertip as the flame coming from it dissolved rock and he inhaled the toxic fumes. It numbed not only the entire insides of his mouth and throat, but also his mind and his conscious control over his actions. Yet as quickly as the high came, it went down again, bringing him even lower than he was before. So he took another hit, and then another, and then another. Until his finger was coated with resin and Sebastian was looking at him as if he had three heads and not a single bit of brain in any of them.

Ciel stared back at the much older man, though Ciel was no longer than young in appearance. Sebastian did nothing but glare at him, in vague but unsurprising disappointment, for after all these years, Sebastian still was not desensitized to seeing Ciel poison himself so casually. He could've said that he expected more of Ciel, but he really didn't. He had learned to not expect anything grand or valliant or even half-way towards decency from him, at least he didn't remember quite what it was like to Have Ciel Phantomhive by his side. Instead, he was accompanied by a spoiled, overly-indulgent, primadonna, hack job, junky, sex addicted, self-destructive and selfish monster. Granted most of those qualities had existed in the human Ciel. He had always been selfish, and he never really had anything close to empathy, but it was never_ this _insufferable to be around.

"Even if I were to eat you, you'd have no substance." Sebastian pointed out. Ciel dropped the glass pipe and it hit the floor with a shatter before he summoned up the pieces and melded them back together with some kind of demonic alchemy.

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"There is nothing left of you but chemicals. If you had a flavor, it would be salt and ash. All the bitterness and pleasantries, but without the pleasant aftertaste."

"Is that an insult?" Ciel asked.

"It is whatever you wish it to be." Sebastian told him. But yes, it actually was an insult, as about the least kind of ones he could think of, though Ciel would probably never understand why.

"Are you trying to undermine my power?" Ciel asked. Sebastian could almost feel how angry Ciel was, and how he'd hit the exact spot to make him fly off the handle. This was his new form of entertainment.

"Are you implying that you actually have any real authority over my actions?" Sebastian asked.

Ciel wrap one hand around Sebastian's neck. His hands were unusually long and thin, though Sebastian was so thin that the circumference of his neck couldn't have amounted to much. Sebastian could stare down at Ciel as he sat in he chair with a hand rapped around his neck as if it would actually harm him. As if Ciel was dumb to think that simply choking him would enough to destroy an ancient being far more powerful than himself. He had seen Sebastian take all kind of hits, impalement, iron poisoning (from said impalement), a sword through the head, a ten rounds of bullets in his chest, and countless amounts of other injury, from weapons both human and inhuman- and yet Ciel tried to choke Sebastian as if he was really going to accomplish anything from doing so.

"Are you implying that I don't?" Ciel asked.

"You can make me suffer but you can not harm me. You can try to all you want, but even the worst damage you could do would not even scratch the surface of my skin." Sebastian said.

Ciel couldn't even grab his neck hard enough to constrict his vocal chords, much less harm him. Sebastian didn't laugh. Laughing would have been too rude in this situation, though he was certainly laughing his head. Laughing at Ciel for becoming so shallow. Laughing at him for being so willfully ignorant. Laughing at him because he'd become everything he set out not to be. Laughing at him because he was a hypocrite. Laughing at him because it was the only he'd ever feel better about the shitty situation he was indefinitely stuck in. Sebastian smiled without noticing that he was smiling, which only made Ciel grip tighter and tighter until his hands ached and Sebastian could do nothing but look at him with a vague sense of accomplishment.

This did nothing but set Ciel off. His high was crashing, leaving him irritably sober and murderously angry at anyone who would dare insult him. And to be insulted by his servant, no less. It infuriated him beyond belief, that this man would so much as consider the possibility of mocking him so openly. Now, he had gotten used to Sebastian's snarky requests, his sarcastic remarks, but Ciel was not about to and absolutely would not tolerate his infernal insolence.

"Have I angered you, master?" Sebastian asked. Ciel slapped him across the face. His expensive designer rings dug trenches into Sebastian's cheek but Sebastian healed almost instantly from it, though the blood remained splattered across the wooden table.

"What do you think?" Ciel asked. "Does it seem that I'm happy with you?"

"Have you ever been is the better question to ask." Sebastian said.

Ciel backhanded him again and again until blood was caked in his jewelry and under his fingernails. Yet, it did not harm him, and it could not harm him, because Ciel was not, and probably never would be strong enough to inflict any real damage on the man. Even as the reality of his own obvious weakness set in, he would not give up and to Sebastian, this was the most amusing that had happened to him in decades. Sebastian stood there and took it with a smile on his face. Though he had always preffered to be on the giving rather he receiving end of sadism, he watched his master abusive him as if he was watching the best television show that ever existed. His master's eyes glowed an ominous red that would have scared any one who didn't know better.

"Are you done?" Sebastian asked.

"No." Ciel replied. He let go of Sebastian's throat.

"Excellent." Sebastian told him. He walked over to the kitchen sink where he ripped the skin off the top of his left hand by hooking his long bedazzled nail underneath surface and prying it up. Ciel looked over and he could see the tendons and muscle that the skin concealed. Blood dripped down into the sink as he washed the bare muscles with the water. Sebastian hissed under his breath, trying his best to make a sound that Ciel couldn't hear, but his hearing was better than Sebastian's was anyways. He wrapped the exposed tissues with a towel to soak up the blood.

"Was that not enough pain for you?" Ciel asked.

"No, that was quite refreshing. I managed to remove my skin past the dermis, which gives me about fifteen minutes before it'll grow back." Sebastian told him. The towel was already heavy and soaked with blood, but that wouldn't be too much of a distraction, he could still move his hand just fine.

"Before what grows back."

"Our contract, of course. I can't remove it but I can delay it's effects for short periods of time by mutilating myself." Sebastian said.

Ciel found himself lifted by the wrists, the tips of his platforms were not able to touch the floor as Sebastian held him in the air above his head. Ciel tried to kick him but missed every attempt that he got. Sebastian laughed at him, out loud this time. Ciel tried to scratch himself free but he didn't get anywhere with Sebastian. The towel wrapped around his hand stopped Ciel from actually digging into the exposed flesh, it also gave him a nice grip around Ciel's thin wrists.

"Let go of me!" Ciel shouted at him.

"Absolutely, master." Sebastian said. He slammed Ciel to the floor, and they were both sure that even the sleeping humans on the second floor could hear the sound of Ciel's shoulder break.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Ciel shouted. He could feel the bone start to fuse back together, but Sebastian stamped down on his clavicle and pressed all of his weight on the bone, it snapped with all the resistance of a wishbone.

"Nothing is wrong with me, you just need a change of perspective." Sebastian told him, and he'd gladly deliver it to his stupid master. He sat on his chest, his weigh wasn't much but it did aid him in keeping Ciel still so he could kill him.

"Get off of me, right now!" Ciel commanded, but he couldn't do anything about it and he knew that he had lost.

"I don't _have _to. So I won't." Sebastian told him. He dragged his fingernails across Ciel's chest over and over again, scratching down to the sternum, exposing the cartilage that covered the bone. The only shameful thing in this act of betrayal is that it could only last for fifteen minutes. He pressed his lips against Ciel's and even though he was dreading how awful he was going to taste, and that he'd probably give him awful indigestion. That in the morning, he'd be gone and Vincent would have to mourn his son's death all over again and Sebastian didn't care because he had it with everything and he wasn't about to attempt suicide again.

Then, Sebastian felt something pressed against his thigh. He stopped for a second and looked down at his soon to be victim. Ciel looked up at him with a smile on his face, as if he actually wanted Sebastian to go through with it. It was exactly what it had felt like, of course, Ciel has the only demon in existence that was idiotic enough to become aroused by nearly getting killed. He had actually enjoyed it, in some sick way. This completely ruined it for Sebastian. Murder and torture against someone who deserved it wasn't fun if they were having fun too.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Sebastian asked. He stood up and stared down at Ciel, who was still laying on the floor as if he was expecting something.

"Why did you stop?" Ciel asked. "I thought you were into sadism."

"I was trying to _kill _you." Sebastian told him.

"Oh, that's unfortunate. Halfway through I thought we were-"

"We _weren't._"

"We could." Ciel suggested.

"I suppose." Sebastian said. He unwrapped his hand and the skin was already growing back. It looked like a web of white skin crawling over his hand. Threads of flesh linking and fusing back together. Soon enough, the mark would be back on it and there wasn't any time and there wasn't any pleasure left in trying to kill Ciel.


	50. you get what you deserve

_Six words to describe me as a writer: **Sell out, sell out, sell out**. Seriously, this chapter is just mindless sex and a scene I stole from Metalocalypse. _

_I wrote a Christmas special but I was a dumb fucker who doesn't pay attention and added in characters to it that haven't been introduced into Superhell!/King of the Hell. So I'll post it next year. Happy Saturnalia, everyone! Human sacrifices and presents for **EVERYONE. **_

Ciel walked himself into the kitchen, following the trail of blood. Sebastian was off somewhere looking for condoms, and if any castle in the middle of forest had condoms sitting around, it was probably this one. He searched high and low until he found a package of them just sitting around in the medicine cabinet next to pill that neither Vincent or Diderich probably needed to take. Sebastian looked at the bottle that read 'cialis' on it and laughed, and he wasn't surprised to find prescriptions for all kinds of opioid painkillers, adderall xr, ritalin. There was a rainbow of uppers and downers and all-arounders in their medicine cabinet. Sebastian was genuinely shocked that Ciel didn't notice this. Maybe he did, but most of the bottles were almost full or half full and if Ciel had gotten at them, they'd all be empty.

"Did you find condoms?" Ciel asked. He managed to strip himself down already, a task usually left to Sebastian to do, but clearly, Ciel was feeling incredibly enthusiastic.

"Yes." Sebastian said.

"Lube?"

"No, I'm going to fuck you using your own blood as a lubricant." Sebastian said sarcastically.

"Really?" Ciel asked, oblivious to the sarcasm. Then again, he was also completely oblivious and did not care about the fact that Sebastian had just tried to murder him. 

"Of course not. Who do I look like, _Claude_?"

"Well," Ciel started off. They did look terribly similar. They were both tall, strangely thin, and if there was a color paler than white, then that would be the only color able to describe their skin color. Yet Sebastian looked far too 'human', his inhuman characteristics were limited to his strange eye and that fact that any human as thin he was would immediately be placed under the category 'anorexic'.

"Stop talking." Sebastian told him.

Ciel bent over the kitchen table. One part of him wondered why he'd let Sebastian, someone who wanted nothing more in life to inflict endless pain and suffering onto his person, have complete trust and control over his body. The other part of him answered: _"Masochism and crack cocaine"_. Sebastian would never spare Ciel any pain that he could inflict upon him, which Ciel enjoyed in secret. Though unfortunately, Ciel was about as vanilla as any immortal slut possibly be. This always bothered Sebastian, who reluctantly let Ciel fuck him with dismal performance whenever ordered. Sebastian slammed Ciel's face against the table and held him down for no real reason other than the sake of doing so. Because he could.

"Are you still trying to kill me or are you going to nail me?" Ciel asked, as Sebastian answered him quite honestly by banging him. Ciel's nails dug trenches into the wood. The carefully restored and lacquered wood was no match for the demonic silver and black keratin extremities.

"Stop talking." Sebastian hit his head against the table, and slapped Ciel in the face while he was held down. Ciel laughed in a way that Sebastian found unsettling and both out of character and place.

"Put your arm into it." Ciel said. "That was _weak._" Sebastian slapped him harder. Ciel arched back in a some formation that wasn't physically possible for a human being but entirely possible for him.

"For someone who doesn't let anyone fuck him, you're not very tight." Sebastian commented. Ciel looked back at him just to give a glare of absolute hatred, though he was enjoying Sebastian fucking anyways. Was the rude commentary truly necessary, sexy or even relevant? **No. **

"Excuse you." Ciel said. The nerve of Sebastian, honestly.

"Tell me, did those filthy women touch you like this?" Sebastian asked, referring the last sexual encounter he had. Sebastian stroked the inside of Ciel's thigh as he teased far too much for Ciel's comfort. That horrible three some that would forever haunt his reputation.. Ciel shook his head. Sebastian thought so.

"Or like this?" Sebastian stroked Ciel's small prick. The veins protruded from it's surface, making it look as if it was covered with blue parasitic vines. The organ twitched in his hand as Sebastian gave him one hell of a handjob. Ciel squirmed in his grip and Sebastian responded by only being even rougher than he was before.

"No." Ciel said, his voice quivered quixotically. No, Melissa and NekoNeko were clumsy. Their sausage like fingers couldn't get that great of a grip around them. Neither of them had the manual dexterity or experience that Sebastian did. Sebastian was the god of fuck, Ciel decided. Though he wasn't the most coherent demon right now. He came in Sebastian's hand too fast, so Sebastian withdrew his cock from Ciel's ass even though he still was not particularly pleased at the moment.

"You come too quickly." Sebastian told him. Ciel scowled in Sebastian's general direction.

Sebastian flipped the table over, sending a few glasses and Ciel tumbling onto the floor. The glass shattered as Ciel fell on top of it. Ciel hissed loudly as he felt the shard embed themselves in to his skin. Sebastian smiled down at Ciel as a pool of blood formed underneath him. Ciel knew exactly what he wanted just by a quick moment of eye contact and rolled over the pile of glass unto his stomach. Sebastian in front of over Ciel, pulling out the pieces of glass and dragging them across his back, only widening the deep gouges in his flesh instead of actually helping them.

"You got something on my boots. If you don't lick it off, I may liable to harm you for it." Sebastian said, nudging the tip of his boot on Ciel's chin. Ciel looked up at it for some sort of confirmation as to whether or not Sebastian was actually serious. He was. Ciel hesitantly licked his blood and semen off of Sebastian's expensive designer footwear. The textre of the rhinestones and spikes against his tongue was strange and rather dick-softening.

"Good master." Sebastian said with a condescending tone. "Now turn around."

Ciel turned around, still on his hands and knees. Little bits of glass broke underneath him as he moved, but right now he was distracted from the pain by Sebastian's dick worming it's way into his bum. Ciel tried to cover his mouth but Sebastian positioned both his arms behind his back and held him like that as he fucked him. Ciel tried to keep quiet but found himself screaming way too loud when he was pressed, face first, into a pile of bloody glass. Sebastian covered his mouth with one hand but still maintained a hold on his wrists with the other.

"You're too loud." he scolded him. Ciel bit his hand and Sebastian slapped him, the sound his hand hitting Ciel's skull was even louder than Ciel's screaming.

"Am I hurting you?" Sebastian asked.

"Not nearly enough. I thought you'd be rougher with me than this. Don't you hate me?" Ciel said, smirking even though Sebastian couldn't see it.

"Is this hateful enough?" Sebastian asked, running his nails from Ciel's collar bone to his hips, and down to his thighs, leaving large, bleeding wounds across his body. Ciel found himself becoming hard at the very start of this pain, which Sebastian found greatly dissatisfying. He wanted to see him suffering, not aroused.

"No." Ciel answered, though he was starting to tear up as Sebastian nailed him as roughly as possible while nails and glass dug into his skin.

"Are you crying?" Sebastian laughed, pulling his cock out of Ciel's arse.

"No." Ciel replied.

"No what? You are obviously crying and you are obviously not a good liar." Sebastian told him.

"Don't stop." Ciel said. He was the one in control here, after all.

"Do you like it when I hurt you?" Sebastian asked.

"Yes. Now shut up and fuck me." Ciel said. Sebastian slapped him in the face, his bloody hands smeared blood across Ciel's face.

"Say it nicely." Sebastian instructed him. Ciel could feel himself almost getting soft.

"_Please_, shut up and fuck me." Ciel groaned.

"I'm not sure if that's nicely enough." Sebastian told him.

"Sebastian." Ciel growled. 

"You are a selfish master. I can't stand you." Sebastian said. He sat on his knees and pulled Ciel over towards him by the roots of his hair, dragging him across the cobble stone flooring of the castle. Ciel growled at him again, but did nothing, only eager to see what horrid teasing he'd go through next.

"Suck on it." Sebastian told him. Ciel didn't bother trying to argue this one, thought he hadn't really ever given much thought to giving head. Sebastian grabbed him by the hair again and nearly choked Ciel with his penis. Still, he managed to move Ciel's head up and down, making the man's mouth seems like a very nice and inviting place, even as the very tips of Ciel's teeth raked across his head.

"Pleased?" Ciel asked, spitting out Sebastian's semen on the floor.

"Quite." Sebastian said.

Sebastian set up the table again, but largely ignored the mess of assorted bodily fluids and glass on the floor. Ciel crawled up on the table and Sebastian joined him. Ciel grabbed unto Sebastian like a teddy bear and snuggle him close, even though they both sort of hated each other and the night's events went from a murder attempt to sex that had the result of looking like a crime scene.

"I find you almost tolerable to be around when you're underneath me." Sebastian said.

The next morning, Vincent and Diderich stumbled out of bed. Last night they had fallen asleep relatively quickly but had woken up several times to the shattering of glass, and the pounding of various flesh-like sounding objects against stone, wood and said shattered glass. After being woken up the second time however, they both put on some noise-canceling headphones and enjoyed the next six hours of their sleep blissfully unaware of the late night satanic sex romp that happened in their kitchen. And the foyer, and the basement... and the television room.

They brushed their teeth and hair and as they walked downstairs, they found trails of blood and semen leading from all over the house to the round, wooden kitchen table where Sebastian slept quietly in Ciel's arms. Ciel was curled around Sebastian like protective cat curls around a teddy bear, on top of the kitchen table surrounded by a mess of bodily fluids not just limited to blood, broken glass and even though neither Sebastian nor Ciel had any sign of altercation except for the blood smeared across their nude bodies, both men knew exactly what had happened.

"Take his legs." Vincent instructed Diderich, as he hoisted Ciel off the table by his shoulders.

Even though most of Ciel's bones were much less dense and much more hollow than a human's, Vincent and Diderich found it difficult to carry the heavy man out of the house by his legs and shoulders. Still this did not deter them from doing to Ciel what they did to the kids at their victorian-era military academy boarding school. They wrapped a piece of rope around his ankles and knees, and Ciel slept like a rock, he didn't notice it. Vincent tossed the rope over a tree branch and they both hoisted Ciel into the tree tops by his ankles and left him there to wake up upside down. They tied the rope very securely, making sure that whenever he woke up, he'd spend a nice hour or so trying to untie himself.

"That was mean." Diderich commented.

"He'll survive." Vincent said.

"It is still cruel to play pranks on your son."

"If you think that is cruel I'm reassigning all our chores to Sebastian." Vincent said. It was an adequate punishment for splattering blood and god-knows-what-else all over his castle.

"What a novel idea. That way I can spend less time on my knees cleaning the house." Diderich said. After all, he did plan on spending the entire day scrubbing he house from top to bottom. To be honest, he was never that great at cleaning in the first place. Having Sebastian do all the work was as far as Diderich could place, the best idea Vincent had come up with since moving out of Rachel's condo.

"And more time spending time on your knees in front of me."

"Why must you make such filthy jokes so early in the morning?" Diderich groaned.

"Why not?" Vincent asked. After all, there was never a wrong time for dirty jokes to be had.

Back in the kitchen, Sebastian was already on his hands and knees, scrubbing the caked up blood from in between the cracks in the stone floor. Why anyone, any one at all, thought that cobblestone _flooring_ was a good idea for in-home furnishing, he would never understand. Vincent had given him a tooth brush, soap and a death threat if his floors weren't clean or ended up damaged. Diderich stood at the counter, assembling his breakfast sandwich. This consisted of two thoroughly blistered flour tortillas, scrambled eggs, beans, chorizo and a large amount of colby jack cheese.

"Our manager would love you." Ciel said from behind him. Which was true, for the melted, cheesy, beany and sausagey goodness of Diderich's breakfast sandwich would have easily swooned Jeff into a mood not quite unlike reaching kitty-nirvana.

"How did you get untied so quickly?" Diderich asked.

"I chewed through the ropes." Ciel said.

"There is no way you could hang upside down and still be able to reach your head to your feet well enough to chew through rope." Diderich said.

"I absolutely can. I'm even flexible enough to give myself a blowjob." Ciel said.

"Really?" Vincent asked, more impressed by that than Ciel's feat of chewing himself free. After all these years of making Diderich get up in the middle of the night to give him blowjobs when he couldn't fall asleep, he could have done it _himself_? How fantastic.

"All you need to do to lay on your back, put your ankles around your neck and lean forward." Ciel explained. This very well could have been mankind's greatest discovery.

"That is amazing." Vincent said. And suddenly, he was gone from everyone's sight.

"Please don't tell me you actually... Ciel, I have a hard enough time getting him to leave the bedroom as it is. If he can blow himself, he'll never see daylight again." Diderich complained.

"OH DEAR LORD." Vincent shouted, everyone able to hear to him from upstairs.

"Damn it, Ciel!" Diderich shouted.

"SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME, I'VE THROWN OUT MY BACK." Vincent shouted. "CIEL YOU LYING CUNT, SO HELP ME IF I COULD GET OUT OF THIS POSITION, I'D KILL YOU." He cried out in pain.

"I probably should have mentioned that I'm only able to do this because my spine is more flexible than a human's and that I can bend to a near ninety degree angle." Ciel said.

"You think?" Diderich asked.

_Words I had to edit out of chapter: hagfish, blood sponge, discostick, love cushion. Which it took an extra eight hours. Whoops. I might've been distracted by Homestuck for most of that time though. _


	51. a day in the life

_Clearly, I didn't update last week. And theres is a REASON for that, so listen here!:_

_I certainly won't withhold updates or act like a petulant little bitch for a lack of reviews or negative ones. I just sort of..uh, forgot to update. Because my memory is fucked. The point of the matter is that my brain chemistry is entirely unreliable and makes me just as much so and I'm not trying to be a loathsome motherfucker. I just forget sometimes, it's not intentional. I'm not perfect enough of a person to warrant that big-ass ego I flash everywhere. _

_That being said, here's to the first update of 2012, and I thought Superhell! would be finished by now but it's not and there's 24 more chapters left anyways so we all might as well make 2012 the year that SH! goes viral and takes over the human race. :P_

"I hate you so much." Vincent said to Ciel, he bent over to get something on the bottom shelf of his refrigerator and his spinal fluid let out a loud snapping noise.

"You should've known better not to try sucking your own dick." Ciel told him.

"You should've have known better than to trust that Vincent wouldn't try some stupid stunt." Diderich told Ciel. Which was, unfortunately, entirely true. Vincent's body bore several scars all of them had some story behind them that always ended up with him doing something idiotic.

"The three of you should cease the Phantomhive family argument as Jeff wants us back because of a recording something and he's still rather angry." Sebastian said.

"New idea. I'll boat you there and we can argue on the way." Vincent said.

"Fine. Ciel's wings still haven't grown back to their full size yet." Sebastian said.

"How big do they get?" Vincent asked. He unfolded one of Ciel's wings, holding it up and trying to guesstimate the measurement of one. Maybe about twenty feet. It took up an immense amount of space, he had to wonder how Ciel managed to fit those in the tour bus he shared with four other people, well three and a half. Jeff took up far less space than most other sentient persons.

"My wing span is about 50 feet." Ciel said. He wiggled his wing out of Vincent's hands and folded it up against his back again.

Diderich started the speed boat. Ciel was already drinking vodka with Vincent and they'd be plastered before they even hit shore. Sebastian cursed the wind as the boat speeded across the ocean, for the win currents would most assuredly fuck up his hair even worse than it already was and there was no end to the amount of tangled he'd have to comb out of it when thy got back to the tour bus. Diderich ate a sandwich and wrote down a list of groceries they would have to buy once they got to shore. He was the brains of the operation, while Vincent was the even smarter, but more irresponsible brains of the operation. It was hard to keep him reigned in, but Diderich wouldn't have anyone else.

The harbor in the city was nearly deserted and there wasn't any one, not even a security camera, to check to see whether or not Vincent paid the fee. So he walked past it without paying a cent. Jeff said they were waiting in a parking lot behind a grocery store but there were so many fucking grocery stores. There was the grocery store behind the starbucks hat only sold organic foods. There was the grocery store next to the pottery barn that only sold meat and things catering to the Na'vi population. There was the grocery store across the street that only catered to allergy, gluten-free and so and so forth all the way down every street in the metropolis. There were coffee stores, tea stores, butcher stores, vegetable stores, grain stores, store that only sold human meat, stores that only stored food edible for humans, stores that sold nothing, stores that sold everything. Then again, this was Jeff and he'd definitely be parked in front of the expensive whole foods across the street from star bucks. But this, the most obviously obvious solution, didn't stop the group from walking up and down streets for two hours trying to find the tour bus.

"You three can go and find it, I'm going shopping and loading up the boat." Diderich said. Things would get done much quicker if Vincent didn't drunk-grope him in the spice aisle.

"You two are fucking laaaate." Jeff said as Sebastian opened the door to the bus.

Vincent looked around, this place was a bit of a shit hole. Alois and Claude laid on the couch watching porn on television while Alois ate chocolate cereal out of a bowl made out of a human skull with the name "Doctor Cale" spelled incorrectly as "Dr. Kale" on it's temple. Used dishes were stacked high next to the sink in the tiny kitchen. There were used condoms laying around on the floor. Jeff's fur was shed all over the dark furniture. Without Sebastian to clean up after all their messes, the band had gotten out of hand and Jeff wasn't about to reign them in. There was something about Claude's relationship with Alois that Vincent thought that should have been considered illegal. Chronologically, he was the same age as Ciel, but he still looked like he was fourteen not to mention it was pretty clear that he drugged into oblivion. There really should've been laws against that.

"I can't fucking believe you fucking sold copies of me having sex with those ugly bitches!" Ciel screamed at Jeff. Vincent could hear the breaking of several glasses and a lamp.

"Really, Master? You couldn't believe that Jeff would exploit your dignity for money?" Sebastian asked sarcastically before he had a wine glass smashed against the wall two inches from his face. Or from Jeff's view point, his money maker.

"Chill the fuck out, bro." Jeff said. He leaped down from the cupboard with a check in his mouth and placed in Ciel's hand. Ciel looked at him, still incredibly angry. Then looked down at the number on the check. Issued to his name. That was a lot of money. Several zeros ringed out in a symphonic matter that cried out like a chorus of angels on acid, quelling all of Ciel's rage.

"Still mad?" Jeff asked.

"No." Ciel said. Money wasn't the key to happiness but it made a great substitute.

"You are a sell out." Sebastian insulted Ciel.

"The writer of this story is a sellout too, so suck it." Ciel rebutted.

"No thank you, I've had enough of you to suck on." Sebastian told him.

"So you two fucked while you were away?" Alois shouted from the living room.

The nerve of those two, really. Not only do they stick others with their shits, they also spent all the time that everyone was taking over their shit having gratuitous, fan-servicey hate sex. It was believable, though. Out of the all the band member, Sebastian and Ciel were the least reliable, did the least of the hard work, and somehow were the most crucial members of the band, Super Hell. Without them, they lost the most of the money-making. After all, this band is just the debauched and demonic version of N'Sync. Without Justin Timberlake and Lance Bass they would be nothing.

"Do they ever stop fucking?" Vincent asked.

"Do you?" Jeff asked Ciel and Sebastian.

"Ask him." Ciel pointed at Sebastian. Sebastian just looked at him.

"Me? I'm the one with a contractual obligation to engage in sexual intercourse." Sebastian said.

"Well, I'm not an insane sadist who tries to kill people by fucking them to death."

"I'm not the one who enjoys it!" Sebastian said.

"What the fuck happened?" Alois said, tossing the skull into the sink. He against the counter at urged Sebastian and Ciel to continue their argument. The gossip to come out of it would surely be juicy, and by juicy, he meant interesting. By interesting, Alois meant that it was something he could put on his blog now that he replaced his phone with a shiny new tablet computer.

"He mistook my attempts to stab him to death and play in the blood for foreplay." Sebastian told Alois.

"Sounds like all the foreplay we had, doesn't it?" Claude asked Sebastian as he wrapped his arms around Alois's waist and gave everyone in the kitchen a needlessly showy display of affection. Vincent could feel the hairs rise on his back on his neck That is how creepy he found Claude's relationship with Alois. Well, with anyone. There was something about his attitude that made Vincent suspect that he was some kind of pathologically lying criminal rapist pedophile. Like he was the male and demon version of Melissa Roswell and was seriously harmful.

"This band is full of really faggoty men who like to each other and cause drama."

"Stop using the word faggot." Vincent corrected him.

"Sorry, you fucking overly sensitive, politically correct gay lord. Let me correct myself:" Jeff said.

"This musical trope of queer-ass motherfuckers is full of fudgepackers who like to cause girly-girly bitch-bitch drama by railing each other like a pack of faggoty-ass fucking gorillas in a gay bar."


	52. another day in the life

_Happy Friday the thirteenth. Incase you haven't seen them, I have a few more Superhell! drawings in my DA gallery here: **tinyurl. com/ shgal  
**Last week this story got way more traffic than all my tumblrs and DA combined. Aaaaawwww yeeeaaaah._ **  
**

"I can't believe you kiss your mother with that mouth." Vincent said.

"That's the cool thing with having La Diabla as your mother, nothing you do will ever seem evil in comparison." Jeff said. El Diablo was the correct spanish, but for the wrong gender.

"Thats what it's like for Ciel and I." Vincent said.

"You don't seem so evil." Jeff said as he pressed his paw against Vincent's face. "My paw is not detecting any kind of serious evil from you."

"Your paw detects evil?" Vincent asked, raising an eyebrow.

"My paw detects motherfucking miracles." Jeff told him. He pressed his paw against Vincent's nose and patted it. "Honk, honk."

"Get your paw out of my face you adorable cat." Vincent said, booping Jeff on the nose.

"Hey. I'm a _handsome _cat." Jeff corrected Vincent. He leaped to Ciel's shoulder.

"Ciel. Guess what you have to fucking do." Jeff said in Ciel's ear.

"I don't know, fuck more ugly bitches so you can sell tapes of it." Ciel said sarcastically. He poured himself a glass of vodka. Straight. No ice. Fuck ice.

"We could do that but you guys need to record a fucking record. Like, now. Like right the fuck now so put down your fucking vodka and start coming with music or I'll break out Sebastian's cattle prod and prod your eye with it until you do." Jeff said.

"So this is what you do for work?" Vincent asked Ciel. He always assumed that the only thing Ciel did was sit around and get drunk, but he actually did work? A truly shocking revelation.

"Yeah, you want to spend a day in the life of a rockstar?"

"Actually... that would be fun. Let's do this." Vincent told him.

"Are we really going to do this?" Sebastian sighed.

"Yes. Seeing the older Phantomhive faggot being taught how to be an even bigger faggot by the younger Phantomhive faggot is totally going to make my day." Jeff said.

"I'll go get him dressed up, then." Sebastian said.

"I get to be dressed up?" Vincent asked.

"Sure, why not. You can't possibly look any more gay, in any case." Jeff said.

Jeff's homophobic comments were reaching the apex of Vincent's patience. He wasn't a patient man to begin with, and he had spent a good portion of his life in a society that shamed and ostracized him. Vincent didn't tolerate it then and he sure as hell wasn't about to tolerate it now. What Vincent didn't know, however, if Jeff was not and never would be a homophobe. After all, his mother was a pansexual transwoman that dictated a pro-LGBTW _(lesbian, gay, bi, trans, whatever)_ empire all across the galaxy. Jeff never thought that hatred based on sexual orientation was okay, but he completely endorsed trolling everyone. Everyone had their own little weaknesses, and Jeff took great delight in pin pointing them. For Ciel, it was his appearance. For Alois, it was his rocky, lie-dominated relationships with Claude. For Claude, it was the reminder that Jeff was on to his schemes. For Sebastian, it was the constant whore jokes. For Vincent, it was homophobic slander.

So Jeff poked and prodded at the weaknesses of others. Even as he said things that he didn't personally agree with, it was a small price to be paid. The reaction, which he found oh-so-hilarious was the prize on his mind. He was rewarded handsomely by Vincent's death glares and scarlet face. Sebastian led Vincent into their bathroom aka the dressing room aka Sebastian's beauty product hoarding area. Mostly because Sebastian needed to get work done and he just knew there was going to be a fight if Jeff was still making bitchy commentary.

"Is this really necessary?" Vincent asked. Sebastian buckled the busk closures of the corset around Vincent's waist and pulled on the laces tightly, before readjusting the laces and tightening up on it again. Vincent felt pleasantly thin knowing that Sebastian's corsets were almost too large on him, and Sebastian was thin enough to qualify under the _'run way model in the mid 00's'_ category.

"I think you look better in Sebastian outfits than he does." Ciel said. Sebastian scowled at him.

"That's because I'm not one tuck over the line from being a drag queen." Vincent said.

"I don't tuck." Sebastian said.

"Oh." Vincent said, trying to conceal his laughter and failing at it.

The pants he wore felt loose around his legs, as his body proportions were not nearly as feminine as Sebastian's were. The makeup was done by Ciel, so he didn't look nearly as ridiculous as Sebastian did but it wasn't nearly as precisely applied as it would have been if Sebastian did it. Ciel peeled off his ruined outfit and replaced it with a pair of pants and nothing else, because he didn't really care for dressing up everyday. Sebastian's stage outfits and his every day wardrobe were the same fucking thing. Sebastian was in a permanent state of glamor over kill.

Vincent almost admired himself in the mirror. He felt like the man reflected back at him was somewhere being looking human and looking inhuman. Like he had taken a wild vacation straight through the uncanny valley and came out looking like an almost-realistic doll. This reminded Vincent of that time where he had stolen his sister's clothing and pretended to be her lesbian lover in order to convince Leon Middleford to not marry her; a plan which backfired completely. Leon even invited Vincent's female persona "Vivien" to the wedding, though she obviously didn't show up. His only complaint was the black nail polish, which he would probably be stuck chipping off for weeks as he didn't own nail polish remover and never planned to.

"Let's get down to business." Sebastian said.

Ciel dragged out his electric violin and notebook of paper with the black music lines already printed on. Sebastian took out his laptop and opened up a new session in a music program while Ciel primed his bow and tuned the violin. Vincent sat there confused as he watched them to start writing out things and conversing about music back and forth. Sure, he had helped set up equipment for them on their tours when they first started out, but he still didn't know shit about music.

"What words rhyme with suicidal?" Sebastian asked.

"Stop-using-the-same-words-in-your-lyrics-idal." Ciel answered sarcastically.

"Stop playing the violin without an amp. Do you have any idea how fucking pathetic an unamplified electric violin sounds?"

"But really, stop using the word suicide. I think you used ten times on the last album and I don't feel like psychoanalyzing you in my head because of it." Ciel told him.

"Yes, but don't you see, Ciel?" Jeff said, leaping onto Ciel's shoulder and pressing his paw agaisnt Ciel's cheek. "Suicide makes money! The monologue of Sebastian's inner teenage human girl angst in his lyrics help sell more CDs. Stupid girls _love _the sappy shit." he explained.

"And now back to words that rhyme with suicidal." Sebastian said. He felt rather victorious.

"Idol, Bridal, Sidle, Idyll, Idle." Ciel suggested, rolling his eyes.

Just as Sebastian was sitting down, ready to concentrate on his work, he was interrupted. As Ciel was getting ready to write down notes in his book, his train of thought was immediately halted by the superman of all writing distractions- sex. To be more precise, everyone could hear Alois and Claude doing the good olde' Sodom and Gomorrah routine in the bedroom. And so could everyone else in the parking lot. Vincent looked completely horrified by this, but to Sebastian, Ciel, and Jeff- this was just another normal day in the life of a cliché industrial-glamrock band.

"This is so sickening." Vincent commented.

Sebastian pulled out four head sets and passed them out. Ciel helped Jeff clamp the headphones over his adorable foldy kitty ears. Everyone adjusted the microphones. The headsets were sound proof and they all attached to the same radio frequency so they could hold up a conversation without having to listen to the creepy and depraved sounds of Claude and Alois fucking.

"Can everyone talk and hear?" Sebastian asked. Everyone nodded. "Excellent. Now I was thinking that we should do another concept album."

"Oh come on, another concept album. I think for our third album we should do something different than our second album." Ciel said.

"I have to agree, the second album sold more concert tickets and merchandise but the record and download sales were absolutely pitiful." Jeff added it.

"I was not aware the manager was onvolved in the art process." Vincent said.

"Please, I'm in every part of the album making process. I'm here to maximize profit, baby. Without me, these two would be dirt fucking poor and wouldn't know what to do." Jeff said. He was the cornerstone to the bands livelihood, or at least he liked to think that he was.


	53. battle of the sandwiches

_Superhell! is moving to... Sundays! Because Of my classes and because I'm trying to make this story more than a cult classic... but a cult itself. After all, why go to church when you read stories about demon rockstars getting it on and pulling mass shenanigans on the universe? Not really though. There is no Cult of Superhell! and even if they were, I wouldn't even know what to do with it. Maybe I'd just start an online campaign to change the 1,375:2 views:comment ratio. I'm not changing the frequency of updates, I'm just moving them to every Sunday instead of every Friday. This is going to be the last Friday update, next week will start Sunday updates for the next 5 ½ months._

_After that, well, there won't be anymore Superhell! Which is probably good because the same annoying batshit weaboos are still bugging me, and damn it if I'm suddenly not having fun with fandom anymore. But no matter how bad it gets, I'm going to keep writing these horrible fucking stories because fandom is what you make it and I'm going to make it hilarious. I refuse to be intimidated by people that lack my intelligence or skill. I'm going to reclaim this fandom in the name of lulz, gay pride, snarkiness. And the nonexistent cult of Superhell._

"Vincent, we're going home." Diderich said.

Vincent Phantomhive was currently sitting on the ouch with his head resting on Sebastian's shoulder, loudly whispering something about time pieces and the creative sexual uses for them into the microphone of his headset. Diderich had a look of supreme disapproval for this sort of behavior, though he wasn't particularly surprised. He had a tendency to get handsy when he was drunk and Jeff had scratched Vincent from ruffling his fur earlier. Or at least that is what Diderich presumed from the deep red cuts up Vincent's arms. Since Vincent was not a masochist and Diderich generalyl regarded cats as a lot of annoying, stuffy fur bags that puked everywhere.

"Why? We were making a breakthrough!"

"You are dressed up like a wayward victorian idiot."

"You're dressed up like someone who wears too many clothes!" Vincent said. Diderich was in his suit with his stylish hat that could either be a captains' hat or a military captains' hat depending on the occasion in which it was worn. Vincent was in a corset, stockings with garters, a fluffy feathery collared bed jacket, all in shades of white and gray that contrasted the bright red lipstick and the crimson colored crystal coated pumps that he wore. The pumps obviously borrowed from Claude.

"Your legs look stubby in stockings and heels." Diderich said.

"That was too mean." Vincent sighed. "Too mean."

"Yeah, and only a major homo would notice that detail, too." Jeff added in.

"Who are you?" Diderich asked.

"Oh you did not just fucking ask that. I am Jeff. Son of Satan, time-traveling scottish fold extraordinaire, professor of human history, sandwich master and manager of the supremely popular and profitable band, Super Hell."

"You act as if you're something special." Diderich scoffed. Jeff's ego did nothing to impress him.

"And what the fuck are you, another_ human? _As if there aren't billions of humans in the universe already, but there's no other sandwich-mastering history-buffing cat in this universe."

"Sandwich mastering? You don't even have thumbs." Diderich commented.

"As if a mortal would understand my abilities to make sandwich so delicious that even the gods would bow down before my chef-master layering skills." Jeff said. "I bet your pathetic human taste and smell makes your sandwiches taste like shit."

"I bet your filthy paws make your sandwiches taste like fur!" Diderich said.

"Are you seriously fighting over who can make the better sandwich?" Sebastian asked. Though Sebastian was a foolish, foolish demon to think that he could quell the mutual rage between two food snobs.

"Silence, men are talking!" Diderich corrected Sebastian. Who was a man. Sebastian was not much of a man and not a man that actually looked like a man as Diderich knew them to be, but still. Sebastian crossed his arms and glared at Diderich, pouting like a little girl.

"If you think you're such a good sandwich maker, then fucking prove it." Jeff said. "I challenge you to a sandwich making contest. Loser has to shut his fucking annoying german face."

"I agree. Prepare to get your ass handed to you." Diderich said.

Sebastian and Vincent looked over to the kitchenette. Jeff had already shifted himself into his hairy ginger human hipster form. He wore a stupid 'ironic' beret and an apron that said that said 'kiss my ass' on it. Diderich rolled his eyes, if anyone had a tacky hair cut and stupid clothes- it was this fucking hipster. Jeff glared at him, and only just then did Diderich notice that he wore bright turquoise claw polish on his finger nails. Diderich tried his best not to laugh at him. The point where a cat suddenly became a short man was nothing that he had not already became accustomed to. After all, anything was possible in hell.

"What are they doing in there?" Vincent asked.

"Having a sandwich making competition." Sebastian sighed.

Jeff's sandwich consisted of freshly baked sourdough bread that was buttered and then toasted in a frying pan on one side for a crispy, buttery and perfectly browned finish. On each browned side he slathered out a thin layer of olive tapenade- a mixture of finely minced olives, anchovies, capers, olive oil and a super-secret blend of spices. Over the tapenade he put a layer of curly endive lettuce, to add some bitterness and texture. Then he placed one slice of provolone and one slice of swiss cheese over the curly endive. The sandwich was then places open faced, the sides with the cheese facing forward were set underneath the broiler until the cheese was melted and bubbling and then both sides of the sandwich were smashed together and served with a cheesy, garlic covered artichoke dipping sauce.

As Jeff prepared his sandwich artistry, Diderich looked over. Clever, that cat was, but not nearly clever enough to beat Diderich. He first blended a mixture of cream cheese, dill, fresh parsley, and rosemary. He spread this mixture on the sides of three slices of marbled rye bread and sprinkled roasted garlic over the herb cream cheese spread. Then he stacked one piece of the marbled rye bread, a few slices of thinly shaved rosemary roasted ham, a slice of swiss cheese, then another slice of the marbled rye, another layer of the ham, another layer of the swiss cheese and topped it off with the final slice of bread. To finish this, he soaked all sides of the thick sandwich with a mixture of beaten eggs, pepper and milk; then fried the sandwich with garlic infused olive oil in a cast iron frying pan.

Jeff placed his sandwich on the table across from Diderich's sandwich. They took a long hard look at the creations of their fellow sandwich maker. Jeff's sandwich was a light lunch time affair, strangely devoid of meat for something created by a strict carnivore. It gave off the air of being almost hipster in it's creation. However, Diderich's sandwich had the full bodied, flavor that one could probably eat as an entire dinner time meal. Diderich took half of Jeff's sandwich, dipping the corner of it into the artichoke sauce and taking bite. Jeff picked up Diderich's sandwich and did the same.

"You may be a complete tool, but this is a great sandwich." Diderich said.

"I have to agree, your take on the monte cricso is top notch." Jeff told him.

"I think we may need a second opinion." Diderich said as her took a bite.

Alois walked casually out from the bedroom and into the kitchen. His appearance was the same as it always was, even though everyone heard the distinct slamming that was usually his face against the wall. His hair was styled to near perfection and not a single bracelet, ring, necklace or scantily covering items of clothing was out of place. He reached into the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of ice water to help him swallow this hour's round of medication. Diderich and Jeff looked at him.

"Get your ass over here and tell us which sandwich is better." Jeff commanded him. Alois looked over at the sandwiches. Cheese? Artichoke dip? Fried?

"Ew, carbs." He said before swallowing a fistful of pills and retreating back to the bedroom.

Diderich rolled his eyed again and sighed. Jeff just glared at Alois and returned back to begin the universe's cutest, squishest and rudest cat. Diderich couldn't believe that Alois was actually serious. He looked like a bad characature of every gay stereotype. If it wasn't the purple streaks in his wavy blonde hair, or the brightly colored eyeliner, it was probably the aqua colored tights that were torn up and worn in conjunction with bright green glitter fishnets. Or perhaps it was the rainbow colored beaded bracelets that concealed rows of self-inflicted wounds on his lower arms. Or the white studded belt around his waist. Or the crop top with the word "cute" on it. Jeff was just glad that Alois decided not to wear his pink and red fairy wings today.

"That kid is a fag." Diderich said.

"Agreed." Jeff told him. He then shared the ultimate fistbump of truth with Diderich.


	54. paging dr shenanigans

_Note: This story has been discontinued FOREVER thanks to "Maiden of the Moon" who got so fucking angry over it's content that she harassed one of my family members into needing therapy for PTSD. Thanks, Melissa Roswell! And thank you to all my readers, except the ones of you who are going to heckle me for stopping updates on a story that I've already finished writing months ago. Because screw you guys. I'm going HOME. (because I need my kitchen to write a recipe book)_

_I've gotten so used to seeing stories that sound like shitty ripoffs of mine that I barely notice it anymore. But still, a big thanks goes to everyone who has told me about them through pm here or tumblr, because I still bother to tell people to knock it the hell off. Even if it never works._

_I (sort of) wrote and recorded a song. It's told from Melissa Roswell's POV to Sebastian. It's based off a Stephen Colbert song and it's called "I'm Right Behind You, Sebastian". Feel free to watch it and observed my constant laughing and word-slurring: **h tt p: /t inyurl. Co m/s hsss **There are also a few more SH! vidyas on my youtube channel, and now all forwards notes have been forwardly-noted, let's begin this Sunday's addition to the (imaginary) Cult of Superhell!_

Jeff jumped on the kitchen counter holding a set of multicolored papers stapled together and a pen. He yowled and mewed loudly until all the eyes were on him. The band stared at the papers, and they all knew what they were for. Not specifically, but it was easy enough to figure out that it was another money-making sell out ploy. They had already signed off the finishing touches to the newest album, which was going to be released soon. They couldn't just release an album the second it was totally completed, they had to make their fans agonize over the possible outcomes.

"Guess what our advertisement scheme for the new album is!" Jeff demanded.

"Is it my new makeup line?" Sebastian asked.

"Is it the liquor commercials I've been doing?" Ciel asked.

"No. It's reality television." Jeff said. "Now I want you all to take a look through the paperwork and tell me what you think of it."

Sebastian took the paper, flipped through them and handed them to Alois, who couldn't read the fine print on the thin colored sheets of paper and instead handed them to Claude to read for him. Claude flipped through the pages, reading each line just as carefully as he did quickly. He extra care to look for any and all qualifiers, or what Jeff referred to as 'way to make you give me money for no reason' or 'things you didn't consent to do, but have to anyways'.

"You forged on our signatures on this." Claude said.

"How do you know that I just didn't go forward in time, take the papers after you signed them and then came back to this time to show it to you?" Jeff asked. He could have done that. It was entirely possible for Jeff to have accomplished something like that. Though it was just as, if not more likely that Jeff would forge the signatures, as well. This was Jeff, after all.

"Because I normally sign my signature in fuchsia ink, not pink." Alois said.

"Damn my color blindness." Jeff said. He had finally been foiled by his precious cat-like qualities.

"What I'm impressed by here is how well done this is." Sebastian said.

"Yeah, I've been signing your names on shit for so long I spent some money buying laser cut stamps to use. Shit looks so legit." Jeff admitted.

"There really is no such thing as morality in the music business, is there?" Ciel asked. His feet were propped up in the center of the table in everyone else's space. His hand held a glass of some liquor that had such a toxic effect on his body that it was illegal in Hell. In order for something to be made illegal in a culture dominated by demons- it had to be really fucked up.

"There's no such fucking thing as morality in any business." Jeff said. Greed meant absolute monogamy to the concept of immorality. Business meant swearing loyalty to greed.

"There's no such thing as morality in this world." Claude said.

"No. Some of us do have morals." Sebastian said.

"The majority says we don't." Claude said.

"I have have morals." Ciel said.

"No you don't." Claude told him. "You're just as smarmy and disgusting as I am."

"As much as I hate Ciel, I gotta say that nobody is more of a disturbing, irritating, fucked up, desperate,conniving, son-of-a-cock-sucking-spider-shebitch as you are. Nobody." Jeff said.

Which was partially true. Ciel had turned himself from being a detestable human being to an absolutely loathsome demon. Yet among demons, he really wasn't that bad. What he did was consider morally indecent by demon standards, but everyone else was doin' it. Which by demons standards, was pretty acceptable. After all, it is perfectly fine and justifiable by societal standards to do something horrible provided that everyone else you is doing it. If it is normalized in society, then it truly can't be considered unfair or immoral, can it? What Claude and Ciel had in common was that the both of them knew what they were doing was wrong, and they did it anyways. Just because the standards of demon culture said they could away with it.

"Though you're a self-righteous shit stain, Sebastian." Jeff added in. Because he has to insult Sebastian constantly. It's a Jeff thing.

"Why must you think that you're better than anyone else?" Sebastian asked Jeff.

"Because I am better than anyone else. Shit, I wouldn't say anything unless I knew it was true. It's not like I am a liar like Claude is." Jeff told him.

"I am not a liar." Claude argued.

"Sorry, my mistake. You are a pathological liar and a manipulator." Jeff corrected himself. Claude glared at him but Jeff refused to back down from his honest portrayal of Claude's personality.

"All banter aside, we need to get down to fucking business here." Jeff added in, biting down on the on switch to a projector, which projected images on the white ceiling. Since there was no wall space available, he had to give all power point presentations on the ceiling.

Grell sat on the couch that she had grabbed from an alley way in an even shittier section of London than she currently lived in. I had been moldy and covered with stains but some pesticides and a couch cover later, it was alright piece of furniture. She had been tight on money since William wasn't able to post money to her very often. Postage from Hell to Earth was exorbitantly expensive and slow considering that space ship landing to earth just to deliver mail were well... in the mews papers everywhere. Everywhere there was a fucking UFO conspiracy theory and photography only made it more difficult for her to get any mail. Luckily, there were always text messages from her upgraded cellphone that held her through. And William called her once a week for phone sex and once a day for idle conversation.

The inside of her new apartment was about as nice as she could make a studio apartment be. The curtains were hand sewn from a nice antique brocade she stole the houses from one of her 'patients'. Working as a hit-woman was not exactly a huge money maker, but one of the benefits was that Grell had stopped being above theft was once she started killing people to die for living. Or at least killing people that weren't on the Reapers Association list of people to die. She'd take some wallets, pawn some jewelry, try on some new shoes, and take out the food from the fridge if there was anything good to be found. It's not like they needed things in their condition, any ways. Grell stabbed her chopsticks into a piece of fried and then sauce coated chicken and dipped it in way too much soy sauce. The salty piece of meat slid down her throat where she nearly choked fro mthe shok of the phone ringing. Who the fuck was calling her at two in the morning?

"Talk to me." Grell said.

"You're that red headed tranny thats always hitting on Slutbastian, right?" someone asked.

"Who the fuck is this?" Grell asked.

"I'm Sebastian's manager and I am willing to pay you large sums of cash." they clarified.

"And who exactly do you want me to kill?" Grell asked. "I can kill anyone, even people that high security around them, though I will charge more if that is the case." Though, from that tranny remark that this guy had just made, Grell was about to kill his ass instead. She noted that the number on the caller ID was a fake number, it didn't have enough digits. Even still, she could still trace it.

"Nobody." They replied. Grell sighed and rolled her eyes, and gulped down another heaping chopstick full of orange chicken and fried rice. Mediocre at best. She put a bit of sriracha on it, improving the taste of it by making it taste like fire.

"Okay, then what the fuck do you want me to do?" Grell asked.

"Whore yourself out on a reality television program that will be broad casted in the Andromeda and Triangulum galaxies. " They answered.

"Too expensive to travel." Grell replied. The amount it took to go there? Her rent and food costs for the next ten years. If it was cheap, she would already be there.

"We will cover as transportation costs as well as your rent while you are away." This definitely sweetened the deal. It seemed like a great way to waste some time, make some cash and maybe retire her chainsaw for awhile.

"Why?" Grell asked. All of this sounded incredibly suspicious. After all, she wasn't a celebrity. William might have been well known, Jack the Ripper may have been infamous, but nobody knew Grell Sutcliffe. Which in her line of work, was a damn good thing. Grell had become an invisible woman of the night, leaving nothing but a directionless trail of blood in her path. She had no fucking business being on a television show, but she did enjoy getting paid lots of cash. And it was pretty obvious that Grell could use a stable and decent paycheck.

"Because this is going to be absolutely fucking hilarious." Jeff said. His motivation was shady at it's very best and a ploy to do something incredibly fucked up at its' worst. It was fine by Grell's standards, she was more fucked up than anyone else could be. She could handle this.

"Okay, fine. I will be on your seedy little show." Grell conceded the jerkass manager's request, she really needed some new furniture. And maybe a better diet.


	55. speak of the shebeasts

_Like the story description says and this suggests: Superhell! is BACK and it's now located ON IT'S OWN FUCKING WEBSITE. (Which actually is a site I made just to post crafting tutorials and promote my sales. but I decided to bring this back for reason I'll go into into now) The website is:** theamazingfet. us/hell/sh .html** which will be updated far more often than this mirror, but I'll still update chapters here after every few chapters are posted and such forth. I won't promise a regular posting schedule again because being a medical science major is serious business. But I will promise that because nobody can ban me from my own website, that the chapters posted on the main SH! site will contain heavier (pentuple-x) content. Because believe-it-or-not, this story is more tame on the internet than it is on paper. Also it'll also involve some illustrations, if anyone wants to get a nice look at a bunch of full-frontal male nudity, that'll happen too._

_Why am I doing this? Because you're all amazing. thats really the ONLY reason why I'm even considering this. It took thousands of constant messages, real-life stalking, and death threats to get me to take down Superhell! but it only took a few dozen (okay... 60 or so) kind and supportive emails from all of you to convince me that it was a bad idea. So to all of you who bothered to treat me like a human being- thank you. I usually don't expect to be treated nicely so that's always a great surprise. Though going back on reasons, I realize that the people who are bothering me continued to do so months after I stopped updating this story. So if they're not going to stop- then why the fuck should I stop? Thats not hardly fair. They took away my weapon of choice but they still expect me to me to fight them. Well, fuck that. Satire is my weapon of choice and I will take the shit they've done to me, I will mock it and through mocking it- I will be taking it back. I'm going to take what they've used to harm me and reclaim it in a sarcastic display of middle fingers and one-uppance._

_So three cheers for the reemergence of the nonexistance Cult of Superhell!. May my silly stories continue to be entertaining and thought provoking at the same time. _

_Also if any of you wanna' submit art to the SH! art gallery, please email me (demon-milklive. com) with the link and your credit info and I'll put it up ASAP. I have all the images saved on my computer but I don't want to post anything without express permission, y'know._

_May the Fonz Be With You- Vi. _

_Welcome to The Big Surreal Life Brother or TBSLB. This is what you get with ten people, one mansion, and with no way out. All the doors have been replaced with ten inch thick steel and all windows have been locked and replaced with bullet proof glass. _The speakers in the ceiling played a continuous loop of this sound bit, as if it was mocking the residents of the home. They couldn't leave. They were monitored constantly. They were in the matrix or something of matrix-like comparison. Like a some what less unpleasant form of prison but with all the constant paranoia of being constantly watched. That is essentially the plot of all reality television. Physical prison for the entertainment and distraction of those in a metaphorical, economic prison.

"I am already regretting this." Ciel said.

"I hate Jeff for this." Sebastian said.

"Hey fuck you." Jeff told him. "I'm trying to sleep here and all I hear is you two moaning and groaning like a coupe of bitches. It's a-nnoy-ing as fuck."

The house looked your general, upper class, white suburban, closed gate community, house. It was really more of a mansion than a house but for rich people- it was really a house. After all Sebastian was used to living on his science fiction looking island dream home. Ciel grew up in a legitimate manor in the forest in Britain. Jeff's home was actually a five thousand pantheon type building that he somehow managed to transport (don't ask how) from Rome to hell connected to a manor that looked an awful like the faux-peasant ranch Marie Antoinette. He tried to say that it wasn't a replica, but actually the same exact place- nobody believed that one. It was overpoweringly uppermiddleclass white american.

The furnishings of the house were so mainstream that they may very well have snored. Sebastian, Ciel and Jeff sat on the couch of the living room, behind them was a large kitchen. It was all marble, or-was-it-granite tabletops and brushed stainless steel appliances and it was empty. The first thing Ciel and Jeff had checked out was the nonexistent liquor cabinet. Sure there was a fuckin' wine cabinet and rows of cabinets labeled things like, "vodka", "whiskey", and "scotch". Yet there was booze, no pills, no fun drugs and nothing to get stoned on anywhere inside of the house. It was shocking how slowly Ciel could get basic things such as getting dressed and getting his own food done, but when it came to finding drugs- he had the entire house scanned and turned over and then put back in proper order in less than a few minutes.

Jeff applauded that complete lack of morality. Sebastian used to approach with cautious worrying at first and then decided that he might as well turn a blind eye. Sebastian really spent up all the caring he could have ever spent on Ciel well over a hundred years ago when Ciel stabbed the knife in his back and twisted it hard. Jeff just found it funny and it's not like Ciel could die, he could only make stupid decision after life-devastatingly stupid decision. It would be like watching TV but Jeff would be inside of the television and everyone knew that HD TV had better resolution than real life but it wasn't always about the megapixels. It was about the actual firsthand experience of giving him those first hits, of giving the number to his dealer, of the whole train wreck down fuck-it-all-up hill.

"Aren't we supposed to be sharing this with like, seven other people? Where the fuck are they?" Jeff asked. He sat Buddha style on the couch with Sebastian scratching behind his ears like a good demon.

The front door opened, well, not really. Because all door were CIA-grade reenforced steel with more locks on them than the vaults at Fort Knox, opening the door took a good three minutes. The three of them had made a sharp turn in perfect synch to see who was there but after watching the door refuse move and listening to profanity being shouted for longer than forty seconds, they all lost complete interest and sat back around on the couch properly. Or as properly as three dudes could sit on a couch when one of the dudes had a forty foot wing span jutting out of his back. In the distance, one could hear the gears in the door jiggling around as someone pounded on it. If was built to keep two fully grown demons inside of it- whoever it was outside wasn't going to be able to break it down, but damn it if they weren't giving it their best effort.

"Well howdy over there handsooome." a voice called out. Sebastian and Ciel flinched the second the sound waves made their way into their ear drums. Sebastian felt long nails taping against his shoulder and it wasn't Ciel trying to cop a feel. Ciel didn't wear red nail polish. Ciel's hair was long enough to drape over Sebastian's chest, but it wasn't bright red.

"You're finally setting my hunk radar off, Ciel!" Grell said. She jumped over the couch and landed herself in the most inconvenient position. One half of her was sitting on Ciel's thigh, and the other was sitting on Sebastian's. Both men were bony and uncomfortable, but what did she care? She was sitting on hot, half-naked man island.

"You know, dear Phantomhive, I remember when you were the most hideous child. Though I'm sure you are certainly over coming your previous inadequacy." Grell said, sliding over onto Ciel and practically ignoring Sebastian. This was a thing Sebastian was very, very grateful for.

However, Grell just didn't fit Ciel's needs in a lover. Sure, Grell was an attractive lady. The sad thing was Ciel didn't want an attractive lady. If he had learned anything from fucking anything, it was that ugly girls were the generous lovers. What they lacked in physical beauty, they made up for doubly with an intense desire to please any man, especially a really pretty one. Sure, most demons still found Ciel to masculine, too tall, and not dressed enough, but Hell was a host planet to a large number of species. Most of which, Ciel discovered, were pretty damn nice in the sack. Especially the Radiator Princess from the Radiator planet. She was smokin' hot. Even with Grell's well toned ass pressed up against his crotch, Ciel just couldn't be excited. He knew that she'd end up just being another attractive but selfish lover who would probably complain about the whole 'small penis' issue.

"Whatever." Ciel said, shrugging her off. Grell scoffed in his general direction but refused to move off of his lap for whatever reason. Ciel gave Sebastian a look something like, 'please trade with me?' and Jeff gave Ciel a look of 'nope'.

"Where the fuck is everyone?" Grell asked.

"We have been here for a long time and you're the first person to show up in hours." Sebastian said.

"Aren't there supposed to be ten people coming here?" a new voice asked. Everyone turned around and Sebastian let out a sigh of relief- it wasn't another reaper. She was a tall human with ratty looking blonde hair that looked like it had never been conditioned. Her top was too tight- and not even in an attractive way, plus she piled on eyeliner in a sloppy manner that made Sebastian and Grell cringe.

"What is wrong with your eyeliner? Do you have parkinsons?" Grell asked. Sebastian glared at her. While he agreed with Grell's sentiment, he wasn't particularly fond with the blunt way that she worded it. Plus, someone with parkinsons could've done better. The human girl glared at Grell.

"It's so obvious that you used to be a tranny." she commented.

Ciel and Sebastian shuddered in unison as Grell's expression turned on to the sinister setting. Please, oh please show producers, don't have let Grell bring the chainsaw. This game show would've have been over quicker than a joke about premature ejaculation. Grell glared at the girl, her red lips pouted at the frizzy-haired bigoted bitch. They had a short eye-to-eye stand off before the girl started to tremble. Was Grell really that scary? Absolutely.

"Oh you did not just use the t-word." Jeff said. He knew that using transphobic slurs in front of a sassy, psychotic red-haired fiery bitch like Grell was a fatal mistake.

"She just used it." Sebastian said.

"You are so dead." Ciel added in. Grell got off Ciel's lap and stormed close to the offending human. In her red pumps, Grell towered over her and pressed the sharpened tips of her glittery nails to the center of her chest.

"Look at you, you're a fucking disaster. Your hair looks like a mixture of straw and pubic hair, and your eyelashes might as well be invisible. Do you even know what mascara is? And look at that eyeliner, not even the worst-dressed queen in London would make such a childish mistake. Where the fuck are you going in an outfit that illfitting, the children's store to return it after you found out that you're a size eight trying to fit into double zero? Are those pants from a fucking walmart? You look like dimestore muff cabbage that hasn't bathed in weeks. So who in hell do you think you are to start calling me a tranny when even Hulk Hogan has more feminine grace than you?" Grell asked, every sentence in her rant was puntauted with a stab of her finger into the girl's chest.

"My name is Madeleine." she said.

"Really, I would've guessed that your name was Pa Kettle." Grell laughed.

"Gently apply water to that burn." Jeff said. "You got schooled, cunt."

Madeleine started at the ouch like she wanted Ciel to move over and make room. Which Ciel could have easily done but chose not to based on the merits that he was going to be siding with Grell on this one. After, there would be challenges and it was always better to have a reaper on the team rather than an unattractive human. That and well, Ciel was famous. She'd fuck him even if he back-stabbed her dozens of times in this stupid game. It was one of the advantages to banging ugly girls and being a level ten. Ciel was privileged as fuck and taking full advantage of the situation. Madeleine had no other choice but to sit at he kitchen table alone because every time she tried to sit within Grell's eyesight, she got a glare powerful enough to kill the god themselves.

"I hope we don't run into those girls." Ciel said.

"You mean the ones you had completely sober consensual sex with?" Sebastian asked. Ciel rolled his eyes and sighed. He was never going to live that one down, at least not while the internet still existed.

"Yes, those ones." Ciel conceded.

"Speak of the fuckin' she-beasts." Jeff added in. It was... none other than Melissa and NekoNeko.

They came in a tide of pig-squealing, hugging Ciel and Sebastian tried to scuttle away but he was caught up in the flabby arms of the flailing fangirls. Jeff was the lucky one- he jumped away and hid under the couch. Stupid lucky goddamn cats and their ability to crawl under furniture. Ciel mentally cursed himself and Sebastian cursed Ciel ever harder. This was all his fault for nailing them in the first place. If Ciel had never done them- then they wouldn't be coming back for more of his inadequate loving. After their nonconsensual group hug, they gathered around Madeleine, cheering her on. They made their oen little clique of stupidity. Sebastian and Ciel wished they could mentally will away fan girl cooties. But there was no willing away what would happen to them next.


	56. mandatory surgical enhancements

_Make sure you read the contest chapter if you'd like a chance to win some money. :) _  
_-Vi_

People came in and entered the house in pre-formed groups. Most of the contestants had entered for the competition in their own little cliques. One friend dares another to submit an application- and they'll only do it if they do it together. Until they actually got into the asinine television genre. Then the producers just said 'the hell with it' and let people enter in groups rather than strangers. Creating tiny caucuses of alliances that were already formed. It was just another technique to create a war between groups. In most shows you waited for the contestants to get to know the other people playing the game. Enemies and friendships and bonds and cattiness took time to develop- and that was time in which the audience didn't give a fuck. So they cut out the middle man and just put in people that already knew and trusted each other. And why would they reach out to any of the other groups? It was artificially created gang war fare.

The contestants were a rowdy group of people from all over Hell, that could more or less divide themselves into three groups based on either prior friendships or similar interests. The first group was what the producers named the "Human Group" aka "The Expendables" they were chosen primarily on the purpose that their interviews were so fucking irritating that they would add instant drama to the household. The first one chosen was a Melissa Roswell, a twenty something appearing human with a fetish for all things most people normally didn't think was sexy. She tended to be pretentious and treat everyone else as if they were her loyal and doting fans, even if that person was a stranger to her. Everything she said was some kind of melodramatic thing, not at all shocking considering that she insisting that she was famous for her dramatic romance-horror novels. In actuality, the producers had to get past page five of google just to find her damn books so they assume that she was either a pathological liar or had serious allusions of granduer.

The next one was NekoNeko, (which wasn't even her real name but rather a Japanese-fanatic interpretation of Nicky) a self-proclaimed artist and linguist with an interest in psychology. Though after the interview, she prove to know nothing of the subjects she claimed mastery of. After giving a short quiz on the basics of psychology- she had failed. Same thing with language literacy tests for japanese, latin, and several demon languages she claimed to somehow be able to understand despite humans physically being unable to hear the pitches spoken in demon language. She was the only subject the producers quizzed and they only quizzed her because they thought her idiocy was hilarious. Demons could seriously waste cash if they were having fun doing so. They were reprimanded by the network executives. Then there was Madison, who had already proved herself to be an excellent source of the entertainment. The second she entered the house, she had already gotten into a cat fight with Grell Spears. Ka-ching. That's all there was about her.

Then for the hell of it, the producers managed to pull (buy) a few strings here and there to allow them to hire two famous serial killers to be on the show. However this was only done on the promise that they would be on their very best behavior. Then again, what the hell even constituted good behavior for sociopaths? Nobody really knew or cared to know because the only righteous thing in this entire broadcasted shenanigan was cash. Of course, they had interviewed several men and women for the job but only three of them seemed able to be coerced into promising good behavior for freedom and money. Strangely enough, the criminally insane were not very good in business negotiations.

They had finally settled on three. Vincent Polyethylene, former owner of a casino, drug cartel and creator of strange alchemized human animal hybrids. Richard Ramirez, known as the "Night Stalker", and serial murder of several; now recently discharged from a prison from California, Earth. Then there was Jeffrey Dahmer, another American serial killer who primarily killed attractive young men and had a charismatic personality. They were the most polite out of all of the contestants interviewed and seemed genuinely friendly and glad to be on the show. However, that wasn't fooling anybody. It's not like they really posed a threat, after all the entire house had cameras covering every last inch of it so it's not like they could get away with any crime.

Oh, but then, there was that group. Worse than the squealing, pathologically lying humans, they were. More ill-mannered than the mass murderers, they were. They were a select group of the immortal creatures all signed up under the same contract by a single, foul-mouthed, bargain-driving cat who was actually able to wriggle his way out of most legal obligations. Though he claimed to have no formal training in law, the attorneys at the show were thoroughly impressed by his knowledge of legal jargon. These were the people who were actually famous, and would bring revenue, viewers, and merchandising opportunities to the show. So as much as the producers hated their "manager", they were welcome to come aboard as cash cows.

The producers weren't stupid, they knew how much money having the famous band "Super Hell" on their show would bring in. Jeff knew how much money having his band on the show would bring in. It was a win-win situation for the both of them. Though by all means, both parties were unhappy about the entire affair anyways with the exception of Jeff and the network executives. They thought the idea was a grand marriage of entertainment and economic exploitation.

In the living room the group of persons congregated in a display of clique behavior. On the couch was half of the band Super Hell, their manager and their only (semi)sane fan, Grell Sutcliffe. NekoNeko, Melissa and Madeleine sat on a love seat together and the fact that they all managed to fit on it together was nothing short of a miracle and encroached upon being physics-bending. Vincent, Richard and Jeffrey were playing cards at the bar in the kitchen. Nobody knew where they got the cards but they didn't seem to talk to anyone else. Though Jeffrey did give Ciel a highly suggestive head nod while he checked out his pleather covered ass. Everyone around noticed it but Ciel was completely ignorant to the fact that all the humans in the room wanted to nail him. He was pretty used to being considered unattractively masculine by demon standards and even forgot that humans were still attracted to male secondary sex characteristics.

Sebastian silently fumed at Ciel while petting a content and purring Jeff. As if he could ever begin to consider the possibility that he wasn't the hottest dude in the room. Ciel had stolen Sebastian's autonomy, his dignity, his freedom- and now he had his stolen his place as the hottest dude in hell. This was unacceptable. The television had changed channels and now there was nothing but an irritating static to be stared at by the ten persons in the house. Nobody changed it, nobody questioned it, nobody said a fucking thing, nobody cared. The brazen display of apathy was a compelling force of sentient nature.

"Two options for the douchebags on the couch. Turn off the static or receive mandatory surgical enhancement." Vincent said. Richard glared at him.

"There is no off option." Sebastian said.

"There is an off switch for everything." Vincent told him as he hurled a heavy lamp at the television. The lamp and the television shattered. Pieces of plastic and glass rained on the group of three girls. They screamed in surprise as Vincent laid his cards on the table.

"ASSHOLE." Madeleine shouted at Vincent, but he was uncaring towards her dislike.

"Full house." he told his card partners and they sighed.

"How the hell are you winning every hand?" Richard asked Vincent.

"Used to own a casino on earth." Vincent said.

"Nice. I used to kill people." Richard replied.

"Same here. It was a nice little side hobby of mine." Vincent said. "Surgically created mutations, mind control, alchemy, gene therapy. Most scientists worked for centuries to perfect the art I created in a mere decade or so." he sighed in his hands as Jeffrey shuffled the cards and dealt them.

"How did you conduct the mind control, if you don't mind giving up your secrets?" Jeffrey asked.

"Oh that's an easy one. I found the most effective way to get into someone's head is to mutilate them so they can't leave but not so much that they can't move or speak, emotionally abuse them and keep them heavily sedated at all times. Why, what were you doing?"

"Acid injections." Jeffrey said, Vincent laughed.

The television had caused the static but while it took mere seconds to destroy the damn thing, it still only took minutes for the pieces to recollect themselves on the wall. However, instead of blaring static it only had a white screen with the message 'pay attention to me' on it. A long chain of bleeping noises continued for a solid minute until everyone was staring at the screen. Somehow the television 'knew' who was looking and who wasn't. Actually, it was controlled by a team people consistently monitoring the eye movements on everyone in the house at every hour. Once everyone was looking at the screen, a middle aged woman who looked a lot like Tina Fey popped on screen.

"Good afternoon. Welcome to the Big Surreal Life Brother." named Tina Fey impersonator said.

"Hey there, fuck ass." Jeff replied.

"Don't be a smart ass, Mr. Kitty Cat."

"Fuck you."

"Shut it and listen to me, you petulant little fluff ball," She said, Jeff hissed in reply. "As your contracts said, you're on this show and you will be monitored twenty four hours a day. Every Friday, there will be one contest and after the challenge, you will vote one person out of the house."

"If we're voting the people out, why the contest?" Richard asked.

"Because your contracts said you fucking have to."

"Bullshit." Vincent grumbled.

"It's Thursday so enjoy your rest before the challenge. You now have access to the food for those who need it and no, we do not stock human souls in this house." she said. The television turned off.

"Oh well, at least there is plenty of humans around in case we get hungry. Right, Sebastian?" Ciel joked, but it wasn't really a joke.

"Absolutely, master." Sebastian agreed with Ciel for once.

"I think we should all like, totally get to know each other, desu!" NekoNeko blurted out.

"What is desu?" Vincent asked.

"It's japanese for 'yes', duuuuh." NekoNeko said. Melissa, being the master she was at the spoken and written language known as japanese, nodded in approval of her tutelage's use of the word. Sebastian sighed and shook his head, tired of correcting Melissa and NekoNeko's linguistic fuck ups.

"Why would you just add random japanese words in your english sentences?" Richard asked.

"I think she's retarded." Vincent whispered to him. Richard sighed, yeah he should've assumed that. She had frizzy hair styled like 1970's white trash and cat ears and some tacky, mismatched and really poorly put together outfit. Richard thought that, for a second, even an orange jumpsuit was a better fashion choice than the cheap lace clusterfuck NekoNeko wore.

"Because it's kawaii sugoi desu neee." NekoNeko replied.

"We speak english in this house, motherfucker." Jeff told her.

"B-but I won't be cool if I don't and that's totally unfair and racist!" NekoNeko

"I'm a demon and I say it's totally fine for us who don't have english as our first language." Sebastian said.

"Let's take a vote." Jeff said. "If you want this to be an english-only house, raise your hand."

Seven hands of the rational adult persons of mixed species raised their hands and/or paws in the air. Only three hands remained unraised and it was no shock that those hands belonged to a certain group of three very irritating human beings. Madeleine, Melissa and NekoNeko glared at the rest of the household. Of course, they were all fluent in english and had no problem articulating themselves. In anything, they had more of an issue with speaking japanese than any of the demons had problems speaking english. Yet still, they petitioned the idea with the idea that if they bitched enough- everyone would let them get away with being bitches. Jeff wouldn't have any of that shit.

"I vote for democracy, democracy says: speak english motherfuckers. Now that is settled, lets get the hell on with the half-hearted introductions." Jeff said.

"I'm NekoNeko de-yes! I'm from Europe and I'm human and I'm a famous comic book writer. I love writing about Sebastian and Ciel making love de-yes!" NekoNeko squeaked, stopping herself short everytime she tried to say 'desu'.

"I'm Richard, I'm from California, and I'm a satanist and let me tell you, I am very glad that hell is such a welcoming place." Richard said.

"I'm Jeffrey." Jeffrey said, waving quietly and not saying anything else.

"I am the most talented Melissa also known as Virgin of the Luna! I'm a suuuper famous writer and I write horror stories about Ciel and Sebastian. I publish novels about them alll the time, and it's like, so super romatic and well written."

"Sebastian Michaelis. I have a restraining against Melissa that nobody has ever enforced or paid attention to, I do not condone or endorse her novels nor do I endorse the fact that Ciel and Jeff have ghost written under her name and I also express that nothing Melissa or NekoNeko has said about me has ever been true." Sebastian said quickly. Melissa and NekoNeko huffed out their cheeks in a cartoonish and immature display of rebellion. Melissa didn't believe in Sebastian harsh words, for nothing could ever stop her blossoming love for him. Not immense hatred or a restraining order.

"Ciel Phantomhive, part of the band Super Hell and I play violin and I will assure you that while Melissa's literature has it's down falls, but her recent work is very accurate to my-"

"That is a lie." Sebastian interrupted Ciel. "I have lived through his boning and let me tell you that those horns are greatly overcompensating for the size of his di-"

"No it's noooot." Melissa whined.

"It is." Sebastian said.

"Continuing our adventure of interpersonal communication, I am Vincent Polyethylene, owner of what was once known as the Looking Glass Casino in lovely Las Vegas, drug cartel leader and mad alchemist. I am always looking for new patients." Vincent said.

"I'm Madeleine Bethany Dickson, a professional artist and I must say that I look very asian today with the eyeliner that I'm wearing. I also do web design and I am tres popular on the internet which directly correlates to how my artistic values would be judged in the real world."

"I'm Jeff, the most motherfucking badass cat in the known universe and I will probably end up scratching all of you in the face at some point during this competition. I may even piss on you." Jeff warned.

"I kill people for fun and for a living." Grell Sutcliffe said.

"Cheers to that!" Vincent raised his bottle of beer.

"Indeed." Richard said.

It was going to be a very, very long season of "The Big Surreal Life Brother".


	57. embracing change

_Instead of going to church on Sunday, why not read some Superhell! instead? The Cult of Superhell! endorses sleazy satire, contests in which you can win some money, and drunken hatesex. If enough people bother to enter in my contest, I will make drunken hate-filled threesomes happen the next time I get around to updating this story. I can always add in more filler. -Vi._

It was a well known fact that demons didn't need to sleep. It was also fairly well known that they did so anyways to stave off boredom with the pleasant dreams that nearly all creatures from earth seemed to have. In fact, many demons were prone to taking decades long hibernation naps. For those of an infinite lifespan, wasting years upon years sleeping made no indent in their quality of their life spans. It would have polite if Sebastian and Ciel didn't stay up all night arguing but they did so anyways because everyone else picked out their own rooms in such a way that left Sebastian and Ciel assigned to share a double sized bed and Sebastian wasn't having of that. Even if the last he slept was literally eons ago, he still didn't want to be degraded by a forced sharing of room arrangement with Ciel. Who took up the entire damn bed anyway with his ridiculously large wings. He also poked holes in the pillows and the wall with his stupid, over compensating horns.

Melissa had fallen asleep on Ciel's lap and now Ciel couldn't stand up which left Sebastian laughing at Ciel and outright refusing to pick the fat girl up despite lifting fat things to be part of the whole slave-for-all-time thing he had going on. Sebastian watched on as Ciel looked uncomfortable at best, and completely disgusted at worst. After, this was all his own fault to begin with. You give a crazy girl an inch and she'll take hundreds of miles. You complement her writing, and she'll take it an invitation to bang you. Sebastian defended his not-helping Ciel with the whole "technically, a restraining order works both ways' line. And damn it, it was a good and convincing line.

"I'm going to go play cards with the two Jeffs until morning." Sebastian announced. Ciel rolled his eyes. He wanted to play cards with the Jeffs.

"Fine, traitor." Ciel said.

"You will be there all night, crushed under the vast, undispersing weight of your own stupidity." Sebastian told him.

"I really can't stand you sometimes."

"I really can't stand you all the time." Sebastian responded.

Jeff, Jeffrey, Sebastian and Vincent sat on Jeff's assigned king sized bed. The room and sleeping quarters were done by the 'first' rule, and not the virtue that one cat having the entire king size bed to himself while Sebastian had to share a tiny bed with a guy who took up a huge amount of space was unfair. they held their cards, playing the satanic game known as go-fish. Jeffrey had learned to be very, very good at cards in prison, for there was very little else to do in prison but play cards and gamble on the outcomes of prison fights. Jeffrey once lost five dollars betting on whether or not he'd be beaten to death in the laundry room in the prison. He was and there was no victory in it.

Vincent was also quite good at playing cards, thought his specialties were poker and black jack. He was really more of a quiet dude than a not-quiet dude but it depended. he could go on rants that lasted days if anyone brought a certain currently-deceased doctor up in conversation or dare suggest that his surgical enhancements were unethical. They were perfectly ethical. Just not to humans, or vampires, or demons or pretty much anyone that actually had received some of his surgical deformation. Still, Vincent found himself getting along with everyone provided they weren't a complete buffoon. Those three girls that apparently made a living off stalking two musicians- complete buffoons. Though Vincent, growing on the 2000's made him think that maybe judging them was unfair for he was at least somewhat sure that one of the girls was mentally ill or mentally retarded. He felt bad mocking someone for that reason but they deserved it. They really did.

"Do... they ever shut the fuck up?" Vincent asked. He could hear chattering from the other room and he felt killing a bitch even if killing a bitch meant that he couldn't be a free man anymore.

"No." Sebastian said. "Just be glad they aren't writing stories about you raping people." he let out a groan just remembering that this 'fan' fiction him existed. Yet, it not only existed, no, that was not miserable enough. This libelous, sleazy fan fiction was completely legal to be published online for profit that Sebastian never saw a dollar of and couldn't sue them about. Thousands of people read nothing but pure lies about his life and considered it a valid hobby. It made Sebastian feel sick to his vestigial stomach.

"Here I was thinking that what I did was fucked up." Vincent sighed.

Melissa was still peacefully pinning Ciel down. Ciel looked like a ferocious demon, alright? He was taller than most demons were, trim as fuck, had obnoxiously long and pointy horns and wings that took up most of the space in an average sized room. He was not cute. He wasn't even "pretty". Back in his day, if you saw a guy that looked him on the street- you'd fucking run into the nearest church and pray to god that the myth that demons can't go into churches was true. (It isn't. The only reason Ciel couldn't get into a church is because his wings wouldn't fit through the door.) It was pissing him right the fuck off that she didn't back the fuck off. It was pissing him off that he'd receive unsolicited affection from the last person he'd tolerate it coming from. He was just one angry demon, though not the angriest in the house.

Ciel was a weak demon. When he was first turned he was weaker than most humans, and even years and years later he still wasn't much better off. It was a slow process, really. It took him ages to learn how to get into the proper body shape, then he had to completely re-learn how to do things. How does one type with talons? Carefully. Filing down your horns and fangs hurts like fuck but chipping them hurts worse. Walking when you're two and a half feet taller than you used to be is a lot harder of a change than most people would think it was. Not to say that it didn't have it's advantages- it did. People finally treated Ciel like and adult instead of a child for the superficial reason that he looked like adult now. Still, he was far, far weaker than most demons were. He just got flying down, he still couldn't shape shift, and Ciel was still barely stronger than most humans.

Sebastian could snap him half and Ciel wouldn't be able to do shit about it. Some badly dressed and chubby human could pin him down using her own weight and he couldn't do shit about it. It was pissing Ciel right the fuck off and he felt the urge to kill someone and the only person around was this one and he actually planned on sleeping her with again later. So he couldn't kill her, but only on the premise that Ciel wasn't into necrophilia. That was literally thing that was going to save Melissa's life. The fact that she'd be useless to Ciel's degenerate needs if she were a corpse. Ciel told her this, but she was a heavy sleeper in the two ways that she could be hard to wake up and that she was really heavy and dead weight.

"You stuck, Mr. Hunk?" Grell asked.

"No. I'm sitting here because I like her." Ciel hissed with a sarcastic tone.

"You can't lift her, can you?" Grell laughed.

"You can either go away or help me." Ciel gave Grell two choices.

Grell lifted Melissa with little to no problem. Like the human was nothing heavier than a sack of creepy fangirl potatoes. Just another thing to make Ciel feel pathetic, and another reason why he was glad that he could stand up and get a drink. Grell set her on a chair, sitting Melissa up so that she wouldn't do something like die choking on her own vomit; though if she did it wouldn't be a loss. Ciel stood up, his legs had lost circulation awhile ago and he stumbled in his platforms into the kitchen to pour himself a gin and tonic without the tonic. Grell followed him, quickly letting down her red hair and fluffing it into a more 'alluring' style when Ciel wasn't paying attention. Not that he was ever going to pay attention to begin with.

"Would you like a drink?" Ciel asked, actually sounding like someone who hadn't become a degenerate drug addict in the past century or so.

"Absolutely." Grell said. "Make me something fruity, fruity boy." she said, smiling with those dangerous looking teeth and looking right into Ciel's eyes. Damn, Grell turned into a gorgeous woman after getting that sex change surgery. He almost forgot that she used be that drab-looking butler his aunt had an affair with but was then later murder by. Almost.

Ciel mixed two different kinds of vermouth, vodka, and apple syrup into a fancy glass and topped it with a wedge of an already cut up apple in the refrigerator. Grell inspected the drink, after all, a fine lady like herself need not be exposed to such dangerous follies as cheap liquor. She took a careful, tentative sip from the glass as she gave Ciel a swift batting of her false eyelashes. For a second, Ciel was sure that Grell was hitting on him, but wasn't she married to William? After all, everyone was aware that William signed himself to serve Satan for a century just for Grell's sake. You didn't get in between that kind of love. Sparks would fly if Ciel did, and those sparks would probably come from a whirring chainsaw. Plus Grell did murder one of his close family members. Ciel still had his jimmies rustled from that 'incident'.

"And?" Ciel asked. taking a drink of his own drink.

"Excellent." Grell said.

"Good enough, then. I'm going to go bugger Sebastian now." Ciel said. Human Ciel would have never so much as thought of uttering that kind of sentence, but Demon Ciel said it casually, as if it were something he did routinely. It was something he did routinely, or rather, someone.

"Can I join in?" Grell asked. Ciel shrugged. Why the hell not? Times had changed, he had changed, Grell had changed. Why not embrace the change? Why not take change by its hand and run with it?

"He's in a pretty nasty mood right now, so why not? I'm sure he can't get anymore pissed of than he already is right now." Ciel said, shrugging and heading upstairs. He brought the bottle of vodka with him, Sebastian was going to need it.


	58. lie back and think of hell

**Reminder:** _The contest will continue until I get a reasonable amount of submissions. So keep those satirical drawings coming! You can enter as many times as you want. If you don't know about it, the contest info is located as chapter 56 and is titled "draw parodies and win twenty five dollars".  
_

Sebastian woke up with a wicked hangover, which was actually out of the ordinary for him since he rarely drank enough to give himself a hangover. He sure as fuck wouldn't normally drink so much when he knew it was going to be broad casted, but he still did. Or at least that is what all of the evidence pointed to. The empty vodka bottle cradled under his arm like a newborn child. The pounding headache that was surely the results of drinking the contents of that bottle. Ciel snuggling up to him like he was the best teddy bear ever when actually, Sebastian probably made the worst teddy bear of all considering how nearly of all his bones were clearly visible and stuck out at odd angles. All hallmarks of a night spent drinking and probably having sex.

Grell was sleeping on the floor next to their bed, yeah there was definitely a threesome that happened. Sebastian was fuzzy on the details, but it was probably if he didn't remember anyways. He would have preferred to forget the shameful memories of well... whatever it was that he did. Sebastian pried himself out of Ciel's arms, gathered the bedazzled thong he wore like pants and got himself dressed. The amount of clothes he wore was minimal. His 'pants', boots, a cape and way more jewelry than anyone would consider acceptable. Jewelry does not count as a clothing item but for demons, it may as well have. Who would even bother wearing clothes in this heat anyways? There was no purpose to it at all except decoration. And for the purpose, jewelry alone did just fine.

Melissa and NekoNeko started their day by having tearful ad pathetic conversations about what they dreamed about the night before. It was a total chick fest, and it wasn't a festival for fuzzy yellow baby chickens either. They got dressed, which was a horror of things most people would pay large sums of money to un-see. Melissa wore something unfashionable with clunky color-blocked layers of what she tried to pass off as 'cute'. What NekoNeko wore was a pair of cheap halloween isle fishnets that probably itched like a bitch, a 'lolita' skirt which was too plain, and too convex shaped to be a skirt actually by lolitas, a tacky red tuts over the skirt, and a blouse with miles of cheap lace ruffles. Her outfit looked like an itchy, cheap, faux-lolita monstrocity. And to top it all off, she added a pair of cat ears because it just wasn't tacky enough before.

They joined Madeleine Bethany in the kitchen who actually wasn't hung over to the point of having dark black bags hanging beneath her eyes. That was just really badly applied eyeliner. Sebastian looked just as damn fine as he always did, the daily routine of looking his best was a process that he never skipped over. Ciel trudged miserably into the kitchen, not even bothering to put on shoes, or to Sebastian's horror- makeup. Jeff was a hipster who got into the kitchen before anyone else did and he was merrily sleeping in the sink. Richard poured himself a cup of coffee and Ciel poured himself a cup of vodka because being hung over sucked and it was easier to get drunk again than to get sober. Or at least it would take more cups of coffee than shots to wake up. Jeff perked his head out of the sink at the smell of coffee, were those freshly ground beans? Oh hell fucking yes they were.

"Sebs, go pour some of that into a bowl for me." Jeff said. Sebastian took a shallow but wide bowl out of the cabinet, poured in the coffee, added two spoonfuls of sugar, three of milk and shot of rum to it. Just how Jeff's mother would make it for him. Sebastian did this on some kind of instinct and was somewhat reviled by the fact that this had become a mechanical sort of routine for him. Jeff did not complain and lapped at his morning coffee while purring.

"The first competition starts in approximately thirty minutes and it is apparently required that we play a game of... strip poker." Vincent read off a note left for the contestants. His tones had an extra bit of disgust added to it on the word strip. As if he wasn't really okay with doing it. Not like he had a choice, it was in their contracts and demons were excellent, if not heartless lawyers.

"Oh, I'm soooo ex-ci-ted for this!" NekoNeko cheered.

"You know, I'm sure not all of our fans are entitled, irritating, sex-obsessed, childish, perverted douchebags," Sebastian told Ciel, nodding in the direction of Melissa and NekoNeko. "But our most prominent fans are some of the worst people I've ever come into contact with in my entire life."

"Good luck with that, I think we're stuck with Melissa for ever." Ciel sighed.

"Like you should complain about your free booty call." Sebastian said.

"She's not my booty call."

"Yes she is. You have all the ugly bitches on speed dial every time you get horny because anyone whose had sex more than five times in their life would know how bad you are at it." Jeff said.

"Is he always this repugnant?" Richard asked.

"You have no idea." Sebastian told him. Repugnant was possibly the kindest way that one could refer to Jeff's constant barrage of remarks. Jeff thought that they was witty but he was really a complete asshole that hurt people's feelings for some jokes that were, in honesty, not even that funny. Alright, a few times here and there Jeff's quips would be effective or wanted but most of the time, they were not. If Sebastian had a dollar every time Jeff said something inexcusably rude to him, he'd probably have enough buy his own freedom, which Ciel assured him, was extremely expensive.

The table was set in the other room, which was locked until that precise time that it would open. Everyone sat around a large round table, the chairs were labeled with name tags but everyone discarded them and sat at whatever chair they felt like. Jeff acted as the dealer of the game. As it was nigh impossible for him to play strip poker, being a cat who needed no clothing to begin with. Not that a cat should be able to shuffle cards, but by jove, Jeff dealt those cards as if he didn't have paws at all.

The experienced gamblers in the room did not make a single twitch of their facial muscles. Meanwhile, the three human girls squealed, which in in animalistic fan girl language meant that they had gotten a gotten a good hand. Sebastian had the look of slight satisfaction and Ciel sighed at the sight of the hand that he had dealt. Five cards were given to each player, leaving two cards left over. He doubted very highly that anything would help him at this point.

"If you want to put your cards back and draw new ones, now would be the time to." Jeff said. Nobody said anything save a few giggles from the stupid crowd.

"Show 'em bitches." Jeff said.

Ciel's hand consisted of a two of hearts, three of diamonds, five of clubs, ten of diamonds and a nine of club. Absolute. Fucking. Shit.

Sebastian faired slighty better and by better, he held all the aces, all of them and a king of hearts. Everyone else in the room sighed, but hell, at least they weren't Ciel. Everyone else laid out their cards. The only one to contest Sebastian was Vincent, who had a straight hearts flush. But according to "Jeff rules" aces kicked all the ass. Typical.

"Take 'em off, loser." Jeff said, knowing damn well that the only article of clothing Ciel wore was pants. Nothing else. Just pants. He peeled them off of his skin slowly and placed them on the chair.

"That was literally the shortest time anyone has played this game before losing." Richard commented.

"And also literally the shortest penis to ever play this game." Jeffrey added. The people around him shot him a glare, and he just shrugged it off. Can't blame a guy for lookin'. It was right there. Everyone saw Ciel's penis. Either they had already seen it before (the consequences of having your sex tape on the internet) or well, they happened to glance in that direction. It wasn't a secret.

It was a restatement of the battle of the bulge, and by that, it was clear that everyone in the room was closely judging the naked forms of everyone else while Vincent Polyethylene sat there fully clothed. He had not won all of the rounds, but he hadn't come in last place for any of them. Nobody was surprised by this and everyone was entirely sure that he was cheating. Though, to everyone's shock the person who had nearly beat him was none other than Melissa. It could be because she wore too many layers of ill-fitting, clashing clothing in a failed attempt at being "cute". It could have also been because of some outstanding luck. She sat there topless, covering her breasts with her arm. Everyone tried to look away from her. She batted her eyes suggestively at Sebastian whenever she could- which was constantly. Sebastian rolled his own and tried his best to ignore her.

Ignoring Melissa was just like Mission Impossible, in that actually achieving the accomplishment of being rid of her could have been considered worthy of a nobel prize. She and Vincent were each dealt five cards. She places hers on the table without looking. Vincent had a flush and she had a pointless mixture of cards that amounted to completely worthless. Her damp panties were sprung like a rubber band in Sebastian's direction. His expression was of revilement that such a grotesque object would come into contact with his precious skin.

Jeffrey stood back from the situation. One could possibly say that nothing really provoked him to think so thoroughly like being naked in a room full of murderers and girls too stupid defend themselves in the events that shit gets real. He pondered why anyone would find this Sebastian so attractive, anyways. He was too thin, but demons tended to err on the skinny side. But this was like looking a skeleton with plastic film pulled taught over it. He found it unnatural and offensive to his human sense of aesthetics. He wasn't sure why nobody else seemed creeped out by his appearance. He found that fragile frame, more similar to the hollow bones of a crow's wing to be far more shocking that the much taller and foreboding one sitting next to him. At least Ciel looked like something that could exist.

Yet still, he watched Sebastian be tormented by spectators as if he were an animal in a cage without saying anything. Goodness knows, Jeffrey knew what it was like to sit in a cell being watched like a magical carnival ride. He just didn't care. He did not feel pity for the situation, but only slight amusement. Melissa hit on him without a hint of shame. Madison eyed him like a piece of meat. NekoNeko tried to speak at him in a language that Jeffrey didn't understand, but somehow knew that she wasn't speaking correctly. Jeffrey didn't understand how or why but he was entirely sure that his part in whatever he heard going on last night wasn't because he actually liked any of it.

Or maybe he did. Demons were confusing to him. This game was idiotic to him. Vincent was a smug fucker and Jeffrey wanted to stab that smug smirk of his into a proper jaw-hinging smile off his face while laughing down at him. Though he had to say, if anyone in the room was attractive, he'd have to say that it was a first-place tie between Richard and Vincent. Ciel and Sebastian were too foreign, too disturbing for him to look at plus he was pretty sure they were already fucking each other. The human girls were also unattractive in the worst way. Not in that they were freaky, they were just flat out hideous while somehow thinking they qualified as "cute". Jeffrey tried not to think of the red head hat looked like she was half-shark. He was happy to be gay.

"I suppose that I am victorious." Vincent mused. Indeed he was, and he wasn't a modest man. He flicked back a bit of his knee length hair, the tips of it dyed a bright red that would never fade. NekoNeko's badly applied false eyelashes winked at him, the unglued end at the corner of her eye flapped in an irritating way that made Vincent disgusted. He was to hot to be here. He redirected his line of sight to Jeffrey who was looking back at him. Vincent shot him a smile when nobody else was looking at them.


	59. baka baka baka

_I've gotten some complaints about you guys pranking people and generally pulling off shenanigans. I've been pretty much commanded to discourage it, but I'm not going to because I always support shenanigans! If you guys have fun with my story by constantly referencing it at people- do that. If you have fun placing up fake concert posters at your local venues- do that too. If you wanna tag a bathroom- have fun! Any shenanigans you can think of that don't cause grievous bodily harm are down with me and I support you all in whatever it is that you're doing. I'm not going to stop you from enjoying your lives. I am in fact, going to encourage each and everyone of you to have as fun as you possibly can by any means necessary. Your mission: have some fun and maybe pulls some shenanigans. And tell anyone who tries to stop you from having fun to fuck themselves with a large, rusty implement. _

_Also if anyone is going to Anime Expo theres going to be a really big Kuroshitsuji meetup there, and I will be throwing a SH! party after the meet up. (I couldn't think of a better time, plus it's going to be massive and I figure if someone reads novel length kuro fanfics, they'll probably go to a kuroshitsuji gathering anyways) Just find me in my Superhell! Sebastian costume and once we've gathered some bros we'll figure out what the fuck to do from there because I've never been to California in the past decade and I wouldn't know where to go. _

Like all reality television shows, the big surreal life brother had a small section in which each contestant would sit in a room alone and speak into a camera feed. They were selected one by one, each taking a number out of a hat to place the order in which they would talk it out with themselves. The vlog room was a room in which a person could say whatever they wanted because the only one who would hear it is the audience. The other contestants would have no knowledge of what took place in that room. It was a sanctuary of sorts in which personal dramas and bitching could be broadcasted to the millions of viewers in hell to conversate over dinner with.

Jeff was the first contestant to receive his own personal monologue. Sebastian opened the door for the cat as he strolled on it the room and leaped onto the plush chair in front of the camera. Jeff rubbed the side of his head across the red velvet fabric to mark his kitty scent all over it. He curled up into a ball on the chair and napped for about fifteen minutes before sitting upright again.

"Well, I think Sebastian and Ciel have done well so far in not completely fucking this up and as their manager, I'm some what proud of them for that. But on the other hand, the fact that they decided to sleep around and show off their junk so early in the season really disappoints me. Though it's really none of my business, but the producers will see a sharp decrease in ratings if they can't find a way to continually pummel mindless smut into the show. Once you show viewers dick, they want to see more and more of it until basically all you're doing is showing off mindless sex scenes one after the other.

Sexual beings are selfish like that and even when given plot, if given sex after wards, they'll ignore the plot. Then as the creators to the show, they'll have to attention whore more penis in order to maintain viewers. It's easier to get commentary on plot alone, but if every other show on television is full of smut, then nobody gives a fuck about your plot and you have to put sex in. it's really a pointless and vicious cycle that demeans everyone, and eliminates all discussion of non-sexual beings and erasure is pretty shitty."

Jeff stopped his discussion and took another fifteen minute cat nap before scratching the door for Sebastian to let him leave the room.

Richard walked into the vlog room, where he sat on the cat hair covered chair. He stared into the camera, checking to see if the red 'recording' button was lit up. It was and he felt like an idiot for taking five minutes to actually find the damn thing. He had no ideawhat he was supposed to say, but from context, he assumed that this was a block of time in which he was expected to gossip about his house mates.

"Jeffrey and Vincent creep me out. Jeff is a hipster and doesn't understand microeconomics. NekoNeko is literally the most infuriating human being I have ever met, I'd like to slit her throat the second these cameras get off me. The other two girls aren't that annoying but I think that they could stand a good punch in the face. That one woman is way too tall to actually be a woman. And, honestly, let me tell you how disappointing demons are. Here I was thinking that they'd all be like me, and that Hell would be some kind of Disneyland paradise for a guy like myself to live in.

No, that isn't right. These two guys are about as fruity as they get. They're just like the demonic fucking Jonas Brothers. They are not dignified, they are just kind of pathetic and not really better than any human. No killer looks up to two effeminate men that are about as threatening as a pile of glitter covered kittens. I had always assumed that Hell was this far out place where killers reigned supreme and that everyone was just a little better cut than the rest. Like, nobody was supposed to be so ignorant or so vile or really so immensely unimpressive. Demons are not what I thought they would be. Though thankfully, Satan is a very nice woman. I was not expecting my patron saint to be female but over a cup of tea, I found that she's understood me all along." Richard said before he left the room, feeling even more bored than he was before.

NekoNeko practically skipped into the room and pushed Richard out of the way so she could sit in the chair. She was pretending that she was L from 'Death Note' and sat like an autistic super-detective even if she wasn't autistic and far too unintelligent to be a detective. "It's just so super uncool to be here..." she whined.

"I mean it's niiice that Melissa and Maddie are here and they're always like, a totally like, sugoi time to spend with but I don't know. Everyone else here is too uptight. They're always complaining about me using japanese words, and Sebastian keeps telling me that 'my horses don't like tight spaghetti' in enochian. And then Ciel keeps telling to like, shut the fuck and leave him alone before he files as restraining order against me and Melissa. But I don't think that's gonna' stop all this kawaii love that I have for him.

Also Sebastian told me that I was being a homophobic by asking if I could watch him and Ciel and draw it but I don't understand how that makes me a homophobe. Because I very obviously support their love! What other way to say that I support people of all types than by drawing porn of them? My art is the highest compliment that anyone can receive. I'm probably like, the best of their fans when it comes to all the comics that I write. I put in sooo much time in them, desu. But I don't think they really understand my love for them. But they'll come around for me!" she prattled on.

"I also think that like, everyone who isn't in the super awesome group of my friend is a huge baka. They're way too harsh and judgmental and they're also telling what I can and can't do and I don't think that anyone is right except for me and my friends. Jeff is a huge jerk and he's probably the biggest jerkface that I've ever met. All he does is tell me that my art violates his copyrights and that he has every right to sue me when he doesn't! He just doesn't understand Ciel and Sebastian the way I do and he should be more open minded to the art I create." she sighed.

"Oh aaaandd... my new comic book 'The Fear' is coming out soon!" NekoNeko added in at the very last minute before leaving the room.

Jeffrey followed NekoNeko, and rolled his eyes as she walked by in a loud flutter of shouting self-congratulatory words. Her friends embraced her for being so brave as to sit in front of a camera and talk and Jeffrey could feel rage bile piling up in the back of his throat. He sat on the chair and stared into the camera. This was the first non-murder related reason for him to ever be on television.

"I have nothing to say except that I'm surrounded by idiots."

Because The Big Surreal Life Brother was a reality television show based on challenges and drama mongering, there was this thing called 'tribal counsel', despite none of the participants actually being a member of any tribe. The Tina Fey lookalike host greeted them in the living room with a top hat and a stack of pieces of paper and a decopage covered tin can of ball point pens.

"Everyone takes a piece of paper, write who you wanted to vote out of the house on the piece of paper and put it in this hat." she said. Everyone gathered around with a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down a name, and put it in the hat. After the voting process, they sat bored in the room as the television host prepared to read the votes.

"One vote for NekoNeko."

"Another vote for NekoNeko."

"And another vote for NekoNeko"

"One vote Vincent."

"A second vote for Vincent."

"One vote for Richard."

"A vote for NekoNeko."

"One vote for Sebastian, written in his own hand writing."

"Another vote NekoNeko"

"And... NekoNeko is voted out by a land slide." the television host said. Everyone except Melissa and Madeleine let out a sigh of relief and happiness. It was a single moment in which all members of the household shared a moment of solidarity together in the fact that they had made their stay in the house far less migraine-inducing.

"You're all close-minded, hatefilled, ugly bakas!" NekoNeko said as she left the building.


	60. spit or swallow

The crew of now nine contestants sat in the living room in front of the television where the snarky television host spoke to them about the next challenge.

"This week's challenge is a food eating competition. You will each be given a number one through nine that corresponds to a certain covered platter, then you will eat whatever it is." Blonde Tina Fey said.

Everyone shrugged and made their way into the challenge room. This was laughably easy. Just inside of the room was one of those things you see in the supermarket where you pull the tab you get a number out of it. Everyone received a number one through five and lined up in the order of Jeffrey, Melissa, Madeleine, Richard, Ciel, Vincent, Jeff, Sebastian and Grell.

Jeffrey lifted the top of his platter to reveal a collection of assorted bugs with a place card saying 'eat one' on it. Each bug was different- and all of them were rather large. Jeffrey could identify a scorpion, a grasshopper, and a moth but the rest of them were completely beyond his rudimentary knowledge of insect identification. Though anyone would say there was also a large rain forest wasp, two different kinds of beetle, and an ant infected with cordyseps fungus in the bunch. Jeffrey looked down at the unappetizing selection before him with a grimace and wishes he had salt. At least they were dead.

"Go for the grasshopper!" Jeff said.

"Okay then." Jeffrey said, picking up the grasshopper, placing it in his mouth and chewing it. It was lightly salted, crunchy, and actually not that bad. It wasn't really that different from eating a potato chip. He probably could've eaten an entire bag of these things.

"That was easy." he said.

"Are you going to eat that moth?" Jeff asked.

"What? No." Jeffrey replied. Why the hell would he even eat a moth?

"Fucking sweet, I love moths!" Jeff said, jumping onto the table, grabbing the moth in his mouth and then crunching on the insect on the table.

"Ew." Melissa said.

"Shut up, bitch. Your pussy is grosser than this moth, or at least drier." Jeff told her.

"Douchebag." Melissa said.

"And proud of it." Jeff replied.

Melissa lifted the top off of her platter. On the platter sat what appeared to be some kind of gelatinous meat product. It was pink and kind of squishy when she poked it. There was a place card on the platter that read "Rocky Mountain Oyster" but the item didn't look like an oyster. Luckily, a human history professor was on the table next to her platter looking down at the place card.

"Those are bull testicles. Blonde Tina Fey knew you loved having them in your mouth, but Ciel wouldn't let us chop off his balls for this so thy had to find a substitute." Jeff told her.

Melissa was gagging- this was so gross. She picked up the testicle and just fucking stared t it while eight other people glared at her in a way hat clearly meant _'hurry it the fuck up'_. But she couldn't, it was just too, too vile. After years of writing nonstop gore, and plenty of instances of through testicle chewing- she just could not go through with actually doing it herself. Still, the people were staring at her and she absolutely had to prove that she the holy goddess of Sebastian/Ciel fandom by not letting down the two men she loved in the world. She popped the testicle in her mouth and took a bite.

"Does it have a creamy center?" Jeff asked.

She started gagging and chocking as she chewed down on the meat. Semen slid down her throat, but even still, she managed to eat the raw testicle and swallow it without throwing it up. Jeffrey honestly thought that she was over reacting. He had eaten many raw testicles before and they weren't that bad or that chewy. What was she, five years old? Then he had to remember... most people just didn't appreciate devouring the entire body quite like he did.

"It's okay Melissa. You did your best." Madeleine said as she lifted up her own platter to find a large hardboiled egg. She let out a sigh of relief. Thank goodness, eating an egg wasn't that bad.

As Madeleine peeled away the shell- she realized that it was simply not your average hard boiled egg. No, for in fact, it was balut- a common south eastern asian cuisine which was a hardboiled duck egg with a still growing fetus inside of it. Now, all consumption of eggs can be considered abortion, but this was an abortion of the utmost grotesque form, for it actually looked like an abortion. She bit into the head of the aborted duck fetus and chewed on the crunchy, feathery food item. Taste wise, it wasn't so bad, but the texture of the feathers that got stuck in her teeth were unbearable. Still, she choked down her challenge with nothing more than a look of utter disgust on her face.

Richard lifted the top to his platter to reveal a caramel covered scorpion popsicle that was tequila flavored. He carefully unwrapped the plastic off the sticky surface and bit into the scorpion. It had soaked up all that delicious liquor and candy flavor and was actually very enjoyable. As far as luck went Richard was treated to a great deal of it. He finished his candy quickly and shot everyone else in the room a smug smirk.

"That was simple." he said.

"Says the guy with the easiest task." Melissa said.

"I suppose it's my turn to subject myself to madness." Ciel said as he lifted his platter- just to find nothing under it except a white envelope. He opened the envelope and read the text 'a still beating human heart which will be given to you shortly upon reading this'. What the fuck? He looked around and saw nothing.

"So, what is it?" Madeleine asked, getting up in Ciel's face and taking the paper from him.

Ciel reached his hand forward and into her chest. Her sternum practically crumbled in his grip and her rubs cracked like they were nothing stronger than egg shells. His hand slid easily into her chest cavity and pulled out her heart without trouble. He held the throbbing organ in his hand and took a bite of it, blood sliding down out of his mouth and down his neck. Ciel chewed down on the overly muscular and chewy organ as it were nothing at all, his unusually sharp teeth cut through it without issue. He could taste something, something salty and bitter. Could it have been her soul? Probably. It was nothing special, nothing to brag about. Her soul was as mediocre as her artwork and as much of a let down as that pathetic thing she called her "sense of humor".

"WHAT THE FUCK" Melissa shrieked.

"It says that I have to eat a still beating human heart and that once I read the paper saying that, that said heart would be given to me. She came right at me once I read that- you all saw it." Ciel explained, holding up the piece of paper.

"Hey, someone opened the heart envelope-" said a guy in a chef uniform holding up a plate with what very obviously, a beating human heart. He looked down at the mess that was Madeleine's torn and partially devoured body.

"Master, you manage to fuck things up in more and more idiotic ways." Sebastian said.

Ciel shrugged as he wiped the blood off his face using his lower arm, smearing the red substance all over his body in the process. Melissa looked at him, in his shirtless glory. His large, black and leathery wings that took up so much, those twin pairs of shiny black horns. How well sculpted his upper boy was- those stunning back muscles that were required to hold up those wings. Melissa swooned then and there, unable to take her eyes off of Ciel. He was simply ravishing. Ciel looked back at her, just now noticing the crazed look in her eyes. He took a step closer to Sebastian.

"As you manager- that was fucking stupid but any attention is good attention in this reality TV bullshit, so job well done." Jeff said.

"I don't know whats creepier- the fact that we just saw a demon kill someone or that stupid girl giving him oogly eyes and hitting on him while he's doing it." Richard said.

"Oh, the latter. This is normal demon behavior, but that girl ain't right." Vincent said.

"Hey!" Melissa shouted.

"Don't blame me for calling you a fucking psycho when you act it, and trust me, it takes a great deal for me to use that word." Vincent told her.

"I think that we're all a bit off here and that we shouldn't throw stones when we have none to throw." Jeffrey suggested in a polite manner.

"She's still a fruit cake." Richard said.

"Totally." Ciel added in.

"You people suck!" Melissa said.

"Are you going to eat that?" Jeffrey asked the still bewilered chef holding the human heart. The man shook his head and placed the plate in Jeffrey's hand before running out of the room. Jeffrey smiled and took the accompanied fork and knife and ate the heart. It was a tasty, if not obnoxiously chewy snack. The heart in question had a great deal of fat but still possessed rich and healthy qualities.

"My, this looks...strangely normal." Vincent said, picking up what appeared to be a regular candy package, with the text 'Eatme' printed on the package. More candy, how delightful. Upon opened the plastic bag three tiny, crab like creature with big adorable eyes crawled into his hand.

"Eat me!" they cheered. Vincent stared back at them.

"EAT ME EAT ME EAT ME EAT ME EAT ME."

"Okay." He said, picking up one and placing it in his mouth.

It tasted like blueberry and literally danced itself down Vincent's esophagus. The other two were mango and strawberry flavor and made little happy noises as he chewed on them and swallowed. It was a tasty snack, if not just a little bit disturbing. The idea of eating sentient candies that begged to be eaten was weird, though Vincent would try it again. They were pretty damn good.

Sebastian lifted the top from Jeff's platter. Everyone in the room gasped as they saw the contents- a squirming monster. It looked like a mixture between a crab, a spider, and the 'body' of the thing was covered in human-like eyeballs. It was still squirming and attempted to make a run for it but Jeff, being a fat, hungry cat pounced on the thing and leaped back onto the table. He batted it back and forth in his paws and ate it one leg at time.

"Aw man, I fucking love these things." Jeff said as he munched down on an eye ball.

"Why?" Ciel asked.

"The same reason you ate that heart like it was crack. It tastes like lobster." Jeff said.

"Hearts don't taste like lobster, Jeff."

"Well, the eyespidercrab does and it's delicious once you get past the looks."

Sebastian looked at his selection. On it was a clear plastic bottle with a white, viscous liquid inside of it. The label on the container read 'horse sperm'. It was still warm. He winced, and Ciel and Jeff started laughing as if there wasn't anything funnier in the world.

"Fuck my life." Sebastian muttered, uncapping the sperm.

Melissa stood next to him and Ciel kept himself at a safe distance away from her and Sebastian. Sebs glanced over his shoulder and gave a Melissa a 'haven't you heard of personal space' glare before gulping down the warm liquid. Melissa fluttered her eyelashes at him even when she knew he wasn't paying attention. Sebastian's gaze momentarily found it's way to Melissa as he drank the entire 24 ounce bottle. Hr face was flushed and he could hear the heart beating out of her chest. She gasped and he suddenly felt ill.

"Seb, are you okay?" Jeff asked.

He began hacking and sputtering just as he finished drinking the horse sperm. Melissa's hands were resting on his shoulder, her body pressed against his back. He could feel her rubbing against him and he couldn't stop himself. He threw up all of the horse sperm. It had an even slimier texture coming back up. Normally, his body would have dissolved it but it was too thick and he couldn't stop his gag reflex once she was touching him like that. At the very apex of his stress induced vomitting (for naturally, his vestigial digestive organs by themselves did not have the ability to make him throw up) Melissa let out a shriek that sounded like a pig squeal but everyone knew it was an orgasm. Everyone in the room shot her a glare of, 'really, bitch, fucking seriously?'. For her behavior was always socially unacceptable; but this was just an example of wrongness that even a room of degenerates and serial killers wouldn't stand for. She had crossed right over he line and fell down a cliff of straight-up fucked.

"Okaaaay then, I guess I'll get this task finished so Sebastian can leave and take a shower." Grell said.

She lifted the cover off her portion of the challenge. On it contained a single strawberry. How delightful! She took a bite only to discover that is was infected with worms. It looked clean on the outside but the insides lay shelter to squirming masses of tiny worms that slid around her pointed teeth and she mashed them all to death. Grell swallowed quickly as a courtesy to Sebastian. Upon her completion of he task, he ran out of the room as quick as possible, with Ciel following behind him.


	61. reality is stranger than fanfiction

_Anyone going to Anime Expo this June/July? I'm throwing a Superhell! party. There will be MADNESS, DEPRAVITY, and probably **snacks.** I'm just going to say to say that it is right after the Kuroshitsuji meetup (because its easy to spot a huge gathering of Kuro fans and you'll probably already be there for that to begin with) and we can pick a location to migrate to. _

Ciel handed Sebastian his eighteenth cup of mouthwash. As if he horse sperm wasn't an awful enough taste, Melissa had stalked him outside of his bathroom and french-kissed him. This only made the bile Sebastian didn't know he could have rise up to the back of his throat.

"It's not that bad." Ciel said.

"I'd tell you to kiss her yourself and witness the horror, but you've already done that." Sebastian snapped. It _was_ that bad. Nothing could be worse!

"I thought this was the reaction to swallowing a pint of horse sperm."

"You know that I swallow. You also know that I'd rather die permanently than to kiss Melissa." Sebastian said.

He was trying to wash it all away with alcoholic disinfectants. He could remember the slimy texture of her tongue and the aftertaste of 'original' pink bubblegum. The accursed pink flavor combined with saliva and sperm and throw up with the aftershock of stalking and screeching. If there was bleach in the house, he would have drank the entire gallon of it and asked for a second. Draino, even. The most disturbing thing to him was that she felt overtly entitled to his body, that she'd touch him and invade his space without even asking permission.

"Did you know that they don't have any cameras in this room. Jeff was complaining about it while Melissa was chewing on your tongue." Ciel said, it wasn't a question.

"Are you seriously propositioning me for sex that doesn't involve Grell? Goodness, I believe that it is miracle o' clock." Sebastian said.

"It's miracle o' clock that the producers were too cheap and decided to look over this prime real estate of taping." Ciel told him.

"Prime real estate?" Sebastian asked. "You and Jeff have been spending too much time together."

"Is there ever a time in which you don't think of cats or suicide?"

"Not recently, no." Sebastian admitted. This was his 'normal'. Cats and suicide and complete revilement towards everyone around him who wasn't cuddly or soft enough to pacify whatever needs he actually had.

"Do you want to think about taking a shower?" Ciel asked.

"Already there. I need something to distract me." If getting undressed was a track event, Sebastian would be the olympic gold medalist.

Fitting Ciel into a shower stall by himself was a daunting task. He had to fold his wings as close to his body as he possibly could just to have them press up against the walls uncomfortably. The world was not made for demons with wings, which is probably why most demons pruned theirs off once they got too big. But not, Ciel, for he was both inconsiderate and quite protective over his ability to fly. It was the trouble. It was the handiest skill he had ever known. To fly above the sky was the dream of the bumfuck retarded humans he started life as. To soar with those higher evolved status was always so very unattainable, but here he had the gift, the ability, slapped across his back. He was lucky and you don't ever turn your back on luck like that.

Fitting Ciel into the shower with a whole extra fully grown adult demon was another task entirely. It was like trying to fit a week's worth of luggage into an over night bag. Ciel was planning on pressing Sebastian against the wall, but they really didn't have a second option. All they were was pressed together like it was a japanese subway train station in Tokyo at rush hour. A large squirming mass of elbows smacking awkwardly against other elbows and knees hitting the wall.

When they found themselves in a comfortable position, Ciel had Sebastian pinned against the wall with his legs bent over Ciel's shoulders and Ciel holding him up. It was cramped in there and it didn't matter if they didn't want to be skin-close. They were going to be. That's just what happens when you try to fit two people in a space where one can't even fit.

"Could you try not smashing my body into the wall?" Sebastian asked.

"I'm not trying to, it's just that the shower shall is too small." Ciel said. Sebastian smiled in a way that was rare. He was getting ready to say something snarky, and he was pleased with the joke that he was about to make. The joke that Ciel was blindly leading him into.

"If you make that joke, I will drop you." Ciel told him. Not that there was any space left to drop Sebastian and his hands had a tight enough grip on Ciel's obnoxiously long hair that he wasn't going to be going anywhere.

Outside of the bathroom, Melissa stood by the doorway like a pathetic creep listening to the various moans, the occasional swear and the sporadic tear of claws ripping open flesh and following scream. Everyone else was busy doing thing that weren't completely fucking over other people's privacy. But her friend weren't around and Melissa had to do what she thought she did best- write some fan fiction.

_'Sebastian into Ciel's limpid cerulean irises, with that expression of longing, of fear, of torture, of passion and compassion, and oh! It made that incepid thing in his abdominal cavity beat and pump and swell with blood down, down, further down into his throbbing demonic manhood. That pulses and twitches with every beat of his blackened heart.' Melissa wrote. _

"How long does it take you to put on a condom, seriously?" Sebastian asked. Ciel had just finished lubing up Sebastian's ass and honestly, he should've put the condom on before. But when did either of them think of things ahead of time? _Fucking never. _

"Well excuse me if I'm putting it on one handed while holding you." Ciel told him. He just wasn't coordinated enough to hold up Sebastian, put on a condom, and then do both of those thing in a slippery and small shower stall. With the shower running, because they haven't done that before. Ciel managed to pull off this maneuver and slip his dick into Sebastian.

_'His fingers undulated into the slick intestines. His heady groans were full of intention, of wanting and begging and wanton pleading. The crystalline saliva dripping out of the corner of his mouth. He squelched and slid, and burrowed and furrowed inside. Depravity glittered in Sebastian's infinite need, Ciel slumped over the side of his office desk, moaning until his voice husky and throat sore. His lips poke and prod against the supple flesh of Ciel's alabaster skin.' _

Things were going inside of the bathroom Melissa was writing outside of, though the events were not happening as she imagined. Not even close. Sebastian had to admit, as much as hated Ciel, he wasn't horrible in bed. No, but then something terrible happened. Ciel dropped the soap. Ciel didn't just drop the soap, the slippery little bar made itself underneath his his foot and he was too busy thinking about Sebastian kissing him to notice. He slipped on the soap and fell, but there was no room for him to fall. Ciel's wings made this loud snapping sound as they broke under his weight. Ciel screamed- it seriously fucking hurt. On the way down, Sebastian clawed into Ciel's back trying to get a grip on things and failing miserably.

"I can't move." Ciel said.

"You better move, you have me stuck here and if you didn't notice you're still inside of me and I think I might have broken my tailbone."

Sebastian's legs were pinned to the wall by Ciel's broken back, Ciel was sitting on his own goddamn knees which were probably dislocated and his arms stuck to the wall because of Sebastian's bony ass. They were literally trapped there in shower stall. In the middle of coitus.

"I'm sorry. This was a stupid idea."

"I really regret this. More than anything we've done." Sebastian said.

"Even more that time where we-"

"Yes, even more than _that_."

_'Ciel bleated like a baby, baby bird. His bitty little hip bones ground into the mahogany relic of a desk. Paper scittered and scattered everywhere as if they were in a love hurricane. The ivory fangs bit into his neck, causing him to squirmed like a little grub in the vicious jaws of a crow. _

_- Latinus Pretensionus, By Virgin of The Luna' _Melissa scribbled in her notebook, just ready and waiting to get to her computer so she could revise and publish it. She sighed in satisfaction that her fiction was of the highest caliber.

The second counsel started with a very angry blonde Tina Fey. She stood there with her arms crossed and a sour look on her face and a glowering status pointing directly at Ciel Phantomhive. Granted that his murder stunt did bring in money but that wasn't blonde Tina Fey's business. She was the host, not the producer, not the corporate bigshot, and she wasn't tolerating that shit. Not on her show. Though she'd be chided by the producers for not encouraging the inevitable violence that would occur naturally in any house filled with serial killers and demons.

"You people are idiots. Let's tally the votes." she said, hat at the ready.

"One vote for Jeff."

"One vote for Sebastian... once again Michaelis, you can't just vote yourself out if you're the only one who votes for you." blonde Tina Fey sighed.

"One vote for Melissa"

"Another vote for Melissa."

"A third vote for a Melissa."

"A second vote for Jeff"

"A fourth vote for Melissa."

"A third vote for Jeff."

The score was at the following: Jeff- 3 Sebastian-1 Melissa-4. Good bye, creepy bitch!

"Melissa, you are voted out of the game, you receive nothing." Blonde Tina Fey said. Melissa pouted like a child, and had some kind of short shriek filled, angry-crying temper tantrum before being literally thrown the fuck out by some large, armed guards. It was a thing to be celebrated.

"Fuck you guys, I am awesome." Jeff said.

"You're also a prick with no manners." Richard said.

"I do have manners. I know the social obligations of damn near every civilization that has ever existed on the planet earth. I just don't care about any of them. But I am still one cultured-ass motherfucker." Jeff told him.

"Referring yourself as a 'cultured-ass motherfucker' is the antithesis to the point you're trying to make." Richard said. Granted, he voted for Melissa, as he wanted her gone at a faster pace than he wanted anyone else in the house gone.

And with two counsels, the house in which they were stuck seemed so much less irritating to be in. For there was no more squealing, and no more kawaii this and that, and no more bigoted bullshit. It was relief to everyone to have them gone. There was as much peace as there could possibly be in a house of serial killers and demons. Though, being a serial killer and being a demon weren't mutually exclusive things. As relying solely on human lives for dinner tends to well, make you a serial killer. Just a morally justified serial killer. But the only thing worse than a murderer is a person so incredibly obnoxious that it makes ripping out their heart a justifiable act. Please, please, just make them shut the fuck up. Kill them if you must, but let there be peace for us all!

"Anyone want to play monopoly?" Vincent asked.

"Sure."

Somewhere in hell, there is a small island covered with hills and streams and magnificent hanging gardens. Where there is a building decorated like a combination of Versailles and Venice with out door golden moldings and high archways carved with angels and ivory and the entire accoutrement to the incredibly tacky display of old-fashioned baroque kitsch. Of course, the is no demon quite so infamous this ridiculous, over-the-top interior/exterior decorating style as Claude Faustus. For no other man loves pastel florals and gold detailing more than he does. So naturally, his private home is the most idiotic looking mansion in all of hell and all the other demons think it's an ironic joke. But it is no joke for he honestly, truly and unabashedly loves his hanging rose gardens and cherub fountains.

In one of the room decorated with velvet and tassels and more tacky molding, Alois and Claude sit upon the tapestry grandma-couch and watch television together. It is stuck against the wall where it stands as the only modern looking device insight except Alois's computer. Alois sighed and rested his head against Claude's shoulder as he laughed his ass off.

"Did they seriously think that there wouldn't be cameras in the bathroom?" Alois laughed.


	62. hardcore proper victorian

_Greetings, hellions! Time for an intermission for something very, very silly: cosplay Sebastian...Superhell! style. Because I decided that flying across the country to Los Angeles California would be a great idea, and what does a nerd do in California in the summer? Go to Anime Expo, obviously! Though I'm sure a couple of you know this because it was easy for you to spot me in my average goth jack off clothes, but nobody noticed the drag queen with the cat plush? I honestly think with the amount of glitter on my Sebastian costume, you would have found it easier. There was so much glitter, they'll never get it out of the hotel room carpet. I have pictures! Not many because I really hate having my photo taken and you can't see my face (the only good part) but you can see my short, flabby nerd body that hasn't sunlight or a gym... ever. And my only resemblance to Sebs was my pasty ass white skin. lol. All day I had people asking me if I was Sharon Needles or if I was a legit drag performer. I just went along with it._

**********h-t-t-p-:-/-/tinyurl -. c-o- m /72t5m4s (pushing Grell into the pool)  
****h- t- t -p: -/-/tinyurl- . c-o -m/ find jeff (Where's Jeff? Like Where Waldo but way more awesome)  
****h-t-t-p-:-/-/-t-inyurl-.-c-o-m-/c26m3lv ("You deal with him, past me!)  
****h-t-t-p-:-/-/-tinyurl-.-c-o-m-/7j7lx47 (Double Sebastian used 'dance'... it was pretty gay)  
****h-t-t-p-:-/-/-tinyurl-.-c-o-m-/7uryzjr (Sebastian tired of Jeff's shit and throws him into the pool.)**  


_Also I've been compared to the lead singer of blood on the dance floor. C'mon guys, I know I haven't so much as set foto in a gym my whoel life but I not that flabby, I only weight 85 lbs, jfc._

"Was killing someone really the appropriate thing to do? _Really?_ At first, I didn't think of them as particularly annoying, but I hope to shit that at least one of the demons get voted out of the house. At first, those bitches sort of made them less obvious but all they do is argue with each other, fuck, and kill people. Are they really needed? No." Vincent said into the camera before leaving.

"Ugh. I can't imagine that happened. As handsome as he is, that was soooo tacky!" Grell said.

"I could hear Mrs. Sutcliffe from outside of the room. Agreed." Richard said.

"Ciel is an idiot." Sebastian said.

"I don't see why everyone is upset with me." Ciel sighed. "I thought that I was supposed to eat her heart. The notecard even said that I'd get a human heart delivered to me. I assumed weird acts by coincidence rather than a chef preparing a fresh human heart. Besides, she was an annoying bitch anyways. I'm entirely sure that I did everyone here a favor by ripping her out an eating it. Also Jeffrey ate the other human heart so it's not like a perfectly good human heart was wasted in the process of me killing that girl." he said.

Ciel could not comprehend the idea that he had done wrong in this situation. To be fair, cultural bias against humans; and the prevailing notion that in hell, demon will is more important, and more right and more justified than human will. He could've given her a long and drawn out death while masturbating with her kidneys and demon culture still would've given him the thumbs up. On earth, that shit would not have flown; but they wouldn't have been able to stop Ciel anyways. So no matter which one of his perspectives he looked from, human or demon; the act of tearing out her still-beating heart and eating would always have been considered justified, morally right, and most importantly of all- delicious.

The next competition: cooking. The first two challenges had been the pits for Ciel and Sebastian but things were looking up for Team Super Hell. After all, demons could just make food appear out of thin air and Sebastian actually knew how to make food for real. This was going to literally be a piece of cake. Everyone else in the room aside from Jeff looked a bit uneasy. Sebastian had first hand experience with how well Grell Sutcliffe could cook, meaning that everything she did make was either made out of or tasted like a pile of ashes, baking soda, and salt. Not to mention that Jeffrey Dahmer was widely known to be a killer chef.

The rules for this competition were that:

-No demon powers.  
-No killing.  
-Seriously, stop it with the killing.

-If you don't stop killing people we will burn this house to the ground with all of you in it.

"I think those last three are for you, dude." Richard told Ciel.

"Whatever." Ciel said.

The stage was on for our competitors. Everyone was given their own space and could use whichever ingredients they found most suitable to use. There were no guidelines given to the contestants as to what they could make, but only that it had to be their own work. This is where shit got real. For once, the demons weren't at an advantage to the humans and the single shinigami was fucked anyways because she didn't know how to cook to start with. The cat however, was busy being a smug motherfucker because he had a serious sandwich in mind.

For Jeff- there was only one thing he could do. He started with a loaf of a hearty italian bread that had been baked with an outer coating of rosemary, garlic and butter. It was good sized loaf, maybe slighter larger than the ones used to make bread bowls. The top of the load was cut out in a circle and the insides of the loaf were pulled out to make room for the fillings. On the cutting boards was flank steak, swiss cheese, steak sauce, provolone cheese, one clove of garlic, salt, pepper, butter, bacon, mushrooms and one onion. Miracles were about to happen.

The garlic cloves were minced fine; salt, garlic and pepper was rubbed liberally and both sides of the steak. In a sauce pan, the steak was cooked until medium rare and let to sit on the cutting board. The fat from the steak was not drained and bacon was added to the pan. The bacon was cooked still slighty raw and let to drain on some paper towels. The onion was sliced into wide ribbons and let to cook in the bacon grease. Butter, more chopped garlic and mushrooms were added in with the onions and cooked lightly, with just a bit of bite left in them.

A thin layer of bacon was added to the bottom of the bread bowl. Then a layers of swiss cheese, then the flank steaks. Steak sauce was brushed on top of the steak, then a layer of the mushroom and onion mixture, then more cheese on top of that. A second layer of bacon, mushrooms, onion and cheese was put on before Jeff pushed the top of the bread bowl back on. The sandwich was wrapped in tin foil before the cutting board and a large stack of weights on top of the sandwich. The sandwich was weighted down until it was about one inch and half thick, flat and cold. Then it was stuck into the oven for fifteen minutes for everything to warm up and get melty.

Grell melted some milk chocolate in a sauce pan, and burned some of it on the bottom. Even still, she scraped the chocolate along with the butter, red food coloring, flour and milk into a single bowl. Grell stirred at the mixture with a short, metal spoon as quickly as she could manage. The mixture was homogenous and looked like cake batter. It tastes pretty good when Grell tried it. She poured the entire bowl of cake batter in a nine inch spring form pan and into the oven it went for about an hour at 375 fahrenheit. After the cake was removed from the oven, Grell mixed whipped cream and sugar into a mixing bowl until it had a consistency that was kind of like whipped cream. The red velvet cake was sliced in half and raspberry jam was slathered on the bottom layers of cake before the layers were placed together again and the outside was frosted with whipped cream. It looked like a fine ass confection, and for Grell Sutcliffe, that was an outstanding accomplishment.

Ciel had the speediest of kitchen appliances at his disposal- a blender. The blender; a simple and sleek design. Hit the button and razor sharp talon whirr around and completely macerate anything even remotely near them. Awesome. His plan was a sinister and creative. Did what he was about to do count as cooking? No, but it was close enough. Ciel got his supplies ready. 190 proof grain alcohol, one mango, some vanilla ice cream, flavored vodka, one vanilla bean pod, one habenero pepper, and some cream. He peeled and cut up the mango and pepper and blended them together, gradually adding cream and alcohol to the mixture.

He scraped the insides of the vanilla bean pod out and into the blender, added the ice cream and vodka and put the blender on the pulse setting. Excellent. Ciel took out a set of glasses from the freezer, they had an orange and red swirling pattern imprinted into the glass. They were ready and cold, and the mixture of liquor, fruit and ice cream was poured into them with a slice of mango as decoration. It was what Ciel called the fire breather- it heated you up while actually being very cold; and as a plus- you could literally breathe fire after drinking it. All it took was a lighter and being able to heal burn wounds very quickly.

Like Ciel, Sebastian had his own impressive standby that he pulled out whenever he felt the need to be particularly impressive. He mixed together flour, egg and yeast together into a dough and left it to rise while he completed the rest of his task. He combined a small amount of yogurt, curry powder, butter and meat together and let it simmer over the stove top until the meat was tender. Then Sebastian rolled out the dough into several circles and poured a bit of the meat mixture into the center of each one, folded the circle in half and pinched it shut. The balls of dough which contained the curry were then fried one at a time and put on a plate with a sprig of parsley on each for garnish.

Jeffrey had one onion, two pounds of stewing meat, two cloves of garlic, paprika, pepper, salt, two bay leaves, allspice, ground cloves, worcestershire sauce, four large carrots, and two stalks of celery. He lightly browned the meat in a pan and poured the contents into a large pot on the stove. He chopped the celery, carrots and garlic cloves and added them to the meat. He poured in about two tablespoons worcestershire sauce, two cups of water and a table spoon of melted butter into the pot before adding in the spices in varying amounts. He let it simmer over the stove for two hours before adding in a tablespoon of flour and allowing the gravy to thicken.

Vincent sifted together one cup of flour and one teaspoon of baking soda into a bowl. In another bowl, he creamed together one cup of melted butter, one teaspoon vanilla extract, and one cup of sugar together using a wooden spoon until the mixture had a non-grainy, uniform texture. Once the butter and sugar mixture was at room temperature, he beat in four eggs one at a time using an electric mixer. When the mixture became light and nicely whipped, Vincent gently folded in the flour mixture until it was mixed well but not enough to make the final cake come out tough. He divided the batter into two cake pans and baked them in the oven. A layer of whipped cream and fresh strawberries was placed in between the cake layers and the top of the cake was dusted with powdered sugar.

Richard looked around at what everyone else had made for the challenge. Jeff had some kind of steak sandwich that looked like the best damn steak sandwich ever made by anyone, much less a cat. Sebastian had made weird fried demon food, he assumed. Ciel had made some kind of ice cram shake cocktails and Richard could smell the booze in them from across a very, very large kitchen. Vincent had made a proper victorian sponge that looked good enough to feed the Queen of England as her last supper. Grell had made an equally as nice looking red something cake. Jeffrey had made a beef stew of sorts that looked topnotch.

"I can't cook for shit. I give the fuck up." Richard said.


	63. why has the add chapter function changed

_To the person who demanded a disclaimer: If you were retarded enough to replicated something in Superhell!, of all the insane fnafics in the world, the only disclaimer you deserve is one for your own stupidity. If you were dumb enough to try Ciel's "firebreather" cocktail, that is your own fault and I feel absolutely no pity or sorrow for you at all. Unless you tried it and liked it, in which case, good for you. I commend you and your strange taste in beverages._

_So if you REALLY want something to imitate, heres my scones recipe. They're fucking delightful. You're welcome._  
_2 cups flour (and some extra for flouring the dough)_  
_1/4 cup sugar_  
_2 1/2 teaspoons baking power_  
_1/4 teaspoon table salt_  
_1/3 cup butter (and extra for greasing your baking sheet)_  
_1/3 cup mixture of milk and half and half (I fill a 1/3 cup measure half way up with milk and then top it off with half and half. you can just use milk if you want. it's not a huge difference.)_  
_1 bag of dried cranberries_  
_1 large orange._

_+You want to zest and juice the orange. Because many oranges are coated with chemicals that make the zet taste disgusting, I highly suggest you only use organic oranges for this. Or skip the zest entirely and use orange juice._  
_+Soak dried cranberries over night in the orange juice. If you have access to fresh cranberries (you lucky bastard), then you really don't need to soak them in the orange juice. But you can if you want. I doubt it'll bother the recipe._

_+Combine dry ingredients._  
_+Add butter._  
_+Add milk, and eggs gradually, making sure it is thoroughly mixed. If it's too dry, add more milk or melted butter._  
_+Add in whatever filling you want._  
_+Flour a baking mat and knead out your dough and knead it. At this point it will be sticky but if you knead it and make sure it's floured it should form a large circle quite easily._  
_+Allow dough to sit in your refrigerator for thirty minutes to an hour or freeze them if you don't want to bake the dough right away. Now is the time to pre-heat the oven to 350 F. (though you want to go higher or lower depending on your oven since everyone's oven is a little different)_  
_+Cut dough into eight wedge shaped sections. If you want to coat your scones with sugar, brush milk onto one side and dip in sugar._  
_+Bake for 10-20 minutes (depends on your oven)_

_Sometimes I glaze them and for that I just mix cranberry juice, powdered sugar and a teeny bit of milk until the glaze is really thick and almost stiff then add that on top of the still-warm scones._

_If you don't like cranberry orange, I have also made this recipe by soaking three teaspoons of lightly ground up loose leaf english breakfast tea in a tea cup full of nearly boiling milk for ten minutes, and mixing the milk/tea leaf mixture in the batter along with crushed almonds and rose petals from my garden. Then cutting open the warm scone, slathering butter on it and basically enjoying the gayest breakfast ever. _

_Superhell!- it's the only fanfic that includes a recipe for scones. Making it both unique, informative, and delicious. _

"Well, at least Grell's food looks edible this time around." Sebastian said. Grell huffed and her food wasn't bad when she had last cooked in front of him. If anyone should apologize, it should be Sebastian for putting sea salt in her tea.

"Mine looks good too." Ciel said.

"I can smell the alcohol in it from across the house." Sebastian said.

"Which is the point of drinking." Ciel corrected him.

"Did you put chili peppers in this?" Richard asked Ciel, smelling his drink. It smelled of mangos, hot peppers, and college binge levels of alcoholism.

"Yes." Ciel said.

"That is disturbing." Richard told him.

"It is the patented fire breather." Ciel took a sip, flipped out his zippo lighter and blew a ring of fire in Richard's face. Yes, it is perfectly possible to drink an alcoholic beverage and then very carefully blow the alcohol vapors from the inside of your mouth into a fine mist of flammable liquid. But if you any are stupid enough to imitate Ciel's reckless habits, then no pity will given to you should you end up giving yourself second degree burns on your face. Monetary compensation will also be refused and all attempts to gain pity or capital will mocked at heartily.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Grell asked.

"Man, I want to eat this fucking sandwich. I am so hungry right now." Jeff said, staring at his sandwich. His butt raised in the air, and his tail swished back and forth, ready to pounce on the succulent steak sandwich. A hand swatted his paw away from the sandwich.

"Bad kitty." Lucille said, she snapped her fingers in front of Jeff's face.

"What are you doing here mom?" Jeff asked.

"I'm here to judge your cooking." Lucille said.

"Well try this fine ass steak sandwich I've got going on."

Lucille picked up the steak sandwich and took a look at it. Red meat. Ridiculous amounts of cheese. _Bacon._ Great, Jeff was eating more greasy shit _again_ even though Lucille gave Sebastian explicit directions to stop buying greasy foods and told to knock it off. The only passable part of the sandwich that met his kitty carnivore diet requirements might have been the steak if it wasn't covered with cheese, vegetables cooked in fat, sauce and sandwiched in between a carbohydrate festival. He didn't even use whole wheat bread.

She took a bite of the sandwich, and as she expected, it was a top notch steak sandwich suitable for a omniscient godlike being of her status. It was also unbearably rich and Lucille had sworn off anything but salads and whole wheat carbs for the past few millenia or so. The steak was tender, the mushrooms and onions cooked to perfection, the cheese was melty and stringy. It was indeed the perfect sandwich, but she was docking him points for directly ignoring her health lessons.

"Five out of ten." Lucille said.

"What the fuck." Jeff complained.

"I told you no fatty foods! I told Sebastian no fatty foods for you. And what do you? You make a heart attack waiting to happen sandwich. Were you expecting me to be proud?" Lucille asked.

"Look at this amazing buddha belly. You think I get that by eating lean grilled chicken?" Jeff asked, pawing at his gloriously squishy tummy. Lucille poked his belly.

"Yes, yes, you're very soft and squishy but just because you are immortal doesn't mean you get to do whatever the hell you want." Lucille said. She turned to face Ciel and Sebastian with a sour expression on her face that made both of them know that comment was more for them than Jeff. You can't get anything past satan. Not a single bloody thing.

Lucille lifted Ciel's drink, initially impressed with the presentation. It was a lovely pale orange concoction with a simple garnish that was visually pleasing. Though on the other hand, it was far too strong and the very smell of the grain alcohol mixed with vodka and chili pepper made her feel nauseous. It was sicky sweet, unbearably spicy and overpoweringly alcoholic all in one. It was like drinking tropical gasoline. She took a sip of it and immediately burped up a small fire ball. She set the rest of the drink back down on the counter.

"That was seriously vile. No points. Ever." Lucille told Ciel. Ciel took a sip of his drinks. Well, he thought it was a pretty tasty sense-fuck and that was all he wanted.

Lucille picked out one of Sebastian's fried curry breads. The outside was breaded and tender. And unlike her son's greasy heart attack, it wasn't dripping butter and oil in grotesque amounts. Yes, it was absolutely delicious. Not only was the bread on the outside soft, but the curry inside was just as delicious. He didn't use some shitty curry powder- good on him. The meat was tender and practically melted in her mouth. After a sip of Ciel's noxious concoction, this was a little piece of heaven.

"All of the points. All of them." Lucille said. She ate another curry bread quickly, just because she was satan and nobody told satan that they couldn't have second. The next food item she sampled was a slice of Vincent's traditional victorian sponge cake. The cake itself had a delightful and airy texture, though that was to be expected considering that it was a sponge cake. The strawberries and whipped cream added to the cake added a subtle sweetness that was not over powering. Lucille kind of wanted some tea to go with the cake.

"Ten out of ten." Lucille said. When Ciel and Jeff glared at her, she shrugged. "What can I say, I'm a generous grader." she told them.

Jeffrey had already done Lucille the courtesy of portioning her out some of his stew. It smelled pretty good, and it tasted just about exactly how you'd expect a beef stew to taste. The meat was practically falling apart at the touch of her fork, but that was an expected thing for any well stewed piece of meat. The carrots and celery were cooked, but still had pleasant crunch and were not overcooked to mushy, tasteless mess. Sadly, a common mistake in making a stew. How ever, something tasted different. It was not an unpleasant different, rather it was still very tasty. Lucille pondered on this, staring down at the stew for a second, trying to figure out what it was. An unusual spice? No, that wasn't right. She picked out the flavors. The answer was on the tip of her tongue.

"Did you cook up that human female?" Lucille asked Jeffrey.

"Yes."

"She tastes better than she looked. Eight out of ten." Lucille said.

Grell's red velvet cake was next. Lucille had sampled Grell's cooking before but she would give Grell suspension of doubt for the sake of being a fair celebrity in a competition. Unlike Paula Abdul, even if she's slept with the contestants, she will treat them fairly. It would reflect on her badly as a dictator if she didn't. Lucille cut a small piece of red velvet cake. The cake itself had a beautiful appearance, but it was far too sweet. Lucille could almost literally feel her teeth melt from the sugar content. It wasn't as light as it could have been but the over powering sugar content of it make her gag. Still, it wasn't as bad as Ciel's drink so she finish the slice and was grateful she had made it small.

"Way too much sugar. Five out of ten." Lucille said. Grell agreed, she probably could have used less but habit was habit, after all.

"Sebastian wins. There was really never a competition to start with." Lucille said. Though, if not for her punishing her baby, Jeff would have won. But she said no fatty food and she was not about to let her baby cat get away with it.

"Also I pulled some time loop shenanigans and I have your ballots here to count. Ciel, you're voted off. Everyone voted for you except yourself." Lucille said.

"I thought Sebastian always voted for himself."

"Apparently not." Lucille said.

"Tour bus is parked in front of Sebastian's condo, Alois and Claude are at Claude's island, and because you have time off, I expect some album concept art and music finished when we get back." Jeff said. Sebastian tossed the keys to his condo to Ciel reluctantly. He really didn't want Ciel alone in his house but really, what choice did he have?


	64. the problem with marathon writing

"Man, fuck those guys." Ciel muttered to himself as he took Sebastian's recording equipment out of the van and carried it into the condominium. Of course, it was absolutely no difficult task for Ciel Phantomhive to lift the machinery, even if it was several hundred pounds. He was easily able to extract someone's heart straight their chest cavity with ease. He could do anything he wanted to, he just often times chose to do so otherwise because he was lazy. It harkened back to a time; far, far away ago back when he was too weak and pathetic do anything. Now he's still in the same place, just for different and often time less justifiable reasons. Some times he feels like nothing has changed in his life after despite the radical changes that have happened to him in the span of a century or so.

When left to his own devices, Ciel was some what more productive of an individual than you might think. For one, he would usually have a verbal battled with Sebastian or Jeff over the couch, but now he could sit on it however he'd like to with his obsidian violin in hand. He would have made jokes to Alois about the scar on the back of his head from where the rough outer texture of the violin sliced his scalp open when Ciel bashed his face open with it. Which he totally deserved. Ciel wrote down note on the lines sheet of paper but he didn't feel any particular attachment or passion when he did so. He was used to Jeff smacking him and telling him to hurry up so he felt the need to write faster than he really needed to. Man, did he actually _miss_ those guys?

No. Not a bit, Ciel resolved. He found himself setting down the violin and listlessly changing places here and there on he couch even though he was just fine five positions ago. He found his mind full of ideas, but not the mental resolve it took to write them on the paper. In his head, he could hear endless melody of adventure but as he stood in the living room of the condominium all by himself, he felt something he didn't remember he could have. Maybe it was a leftover of what he had felt as emotions before he stopped being human and before he became a demon. Maybe Ciel just didn't give a shit because while he was technically doing what he was asked to without complaint he would have complained about it to Jeff. if Jeff were here to hear the complaints.

Three songs composed, four songs written for Sebastian to carefully pick through Ciel's lyrics and tell him how bad of a writer he is. Four songs written for Jeff to tell him to shut the fuck up because they should have replaced the violinist with a guitarist the second the band even started. Ciel grabbed Sebastian's laptop, but he couldn't figure out how to program the synths. He just stared aimlessly at the wafer thin screen. What was the... thing... the uhh... point? Ciel thought that maybe it would be funny if he threw some eggs at William's side of the complex it would be funny but with out Sebastian to laugh at it, what was even the point in doing that.

Still, Ciel kept busy and played the violin alone in Sebastian's living room. It sounded terrible because even though he was an okay violinist, an unamplified electric violin is one of the saddest sounds that has ever existed. Or ever will exist for that matter. While his speedy hand work had an amazing performance to it, the sounds that came from it were positively dreadful. Granted, Ciel just could've taken out the amp and plugged it in the wall but he was so lazy that he would have preferred the aching sound of metal screeching than to go back and just get the damn amp.

Ciel could have sat down and just written the entire album but instead he decided to waste the precious time he had just goofing off and doing nothing. He flipped through television channel, his mind glazing over like decomposing corneas. How mindless. How trite. The sad thing is that he provided all that mindless, vapid media for a hundred generations over. Pen written on paper faded and crumbled over the year but digital was forever. Files could be copied and pasted a thousand times to millions endlessly without a decrease in quality. What he did yesterday will always be out there in the universe in some form or another. A million years later and it's still hiding somewhere on someone's abandoned hard drive. Perfectly intact, a remnant of him doing stupid things he instantly regretted and actions that he would repeat more time than an OCD germaphobe washed their hands. Forget diamonds, the internet was forever. Zales should have totally let Ciel get all cathartic and philosophical on their ads.

In Sebastian's bedroom Ciel still had his old clothing in the wardrobe. Bits of Jeff's cat fur was still stuck against the velvet and brocade because all that cat seemed to do was shed everywhere. It didn't bother him, not anymore. Ciel would have thrown the clothes away but it seemed like a waste. Just them being there was a waste considering that he couldn't even get his hand through the tight sleeves anyways. He couldn't even wear his old rings, even on his thin fingers they were still small enough cut the circulation that he didn't need. For some reason, they still Vincent as well as they did before he was burned alive in his own office.

In between flicking between porno channels, Ciel packed a bowl and lit it up. He blew smoke rings and squiggles at the paper thin television screen he once thought was a poster. He felt numb inside and out, and after spending so much time bothering to do his work instead of arguing with his band mates, he was actually that thing he used to call tired. Or he could have felt tired as a side effect of just smoking a fair amount of cannabis by himself instead of letting Alois hit the pipe when his boyfriend wasn't looking. He fell asleep with the all-underage-all-the-time net work on with the pipe still burning hot against his chest.

"What the fuck Ciel." Jeff swore at him. "Didn't I tell you to get some work done, and all you fuckin' do is watch porn of underage females and get high? We could have done that when I got back but noooo, you had to go and smoke all my drugs with out me. You douchecanoe."

Ciel woke up with a start, the still hot ash burned his chest as the pipe knocked over and fell to the floor, staining that plush white carpet of Sebastian's living room. He could hear Jeff yelling at him and he could feel two soft paws slapping at his cheeks and the occasional claw scraping against his face. Ciel picked up a still-swatting Jeff and set him on the couch before pointing to the papers that contained the music that he had written. Jeff was surprised that Ciel did get something done on his own, he was actually expecting to find him watching porn and doing drags with absolutely nothing to show for it. Color the scottish fold orange, white and impressed.

"Even though you got things done, they're still terrible." Jeff told Ciel.

Man fuck this guy. Ciel wouldn't miss this shit, at all.


	65. alois becomes a domestic terrorist

_I am marathon finishing up the last ten chapters of Superhell!. Writing marathons are pretty much just like running ones except you stay up all night drinking tea and eating grilled cheese sandwiches, take some adderall instead of steroids, and instead of your legs giving out and your nipples bleeding you just get really bad handcramps. Why bother being an olympic athlete when you can be a legendary cult fiction writer? _

Ciel and Jeff were sitting on the sofa writing together when they heard a knock on the door. Jeff growled when Ciel picked up him up so he could answer the door. When Ciel opened the door, nobody was there. He took one step outside and looked around. Nobody running to the side of the condo, nobody running down the street. He looked up, nobody was on the roof. What the hell. Fuck that pranking son of a fucker who knocked on the door and made Ciel get up for no reason. Ciel turned around and Alois jumped at him.

"Hi Ciel." Alois chimed.

"How did you move so fast."

"I have actually been standing here for awhile, you just zoned out by the door for ten minutes."

"Don't fuckin' tell him that. He believes you." Jeff scolded Alois.

"Ruinin' my pranks, Mr. Kittycat." Alois said. He lifted up Jeff and played with his paws. Jeff clawed at him and Alois dropped his fluffy ass like it was hot.

"Jerkface." Alois muttered.

"Is Claude here?" Ciel asked.

"Nooo. I can go where ever I fuckin' damn well feel like. I don't need his permission to do jack shit, he doesn't own me." Alois told him, arms crossed. Considering that Claude ruled over Alois's life like a weird combination of emotionally abusive boyfriend and soviet russia; and never let him off by himself to do anything, it was a perfectly valid question to ask.

"Whatever. What are you here for? Sebastian hasn't been voted off yet, Ciel's doing most of the writing for the album and I haven't anything planned, it's a vacation for you kiddo." Jeff said.

"I can't hang out with my best friends just because I fuckin feel like it?" Alois asked. Ciel wanted to bring up everything wrong with that sentence, the first thing being that they weren't friends.

"Okay, fairy boy. What the fuck do you want to do? Sit on the couch and watch Ciel do stuff because I've been doing that for awhile and let me tell you this guy is fuckin' boring when he's mostly sober." Jeff told Alois, who didn't care. He sat on the couch right where Ciel was sitting and picked up his work and stared at it, trying to read it but only really understanding it halfway.

"This is pretty shitty Ciel." Alois laughed.

"Fuck you, it probably only looks shitty to you because you were illiterate until a few decades after you died." Ciel argued.

"You're right Ciel, because if he could read it well, he'd realize that your writing isn't shitty but is actually a ridiculous cesspool shithole of overly purple, pompous imagery." Jeff said.

"Okay this is bullshit. I want to have fun and get really wasted tonight and you are totally helping me with that." Alois told Ciel as he threw his papers all over the room.

"Really, thanks for giving me a choice. You are the most polite person I have ever met in my life."

"Let's go to the liquor store. And then the cake store."

"And then you can make me a sandwich." Jeff added in. Ciel glared at him. "What? You're over there being Alois's surrogate bitchboy for a quick fuck but you won't make ol' Jeffy a sandwich after all he's done for you? That's real cold, Ciel." Jeff told him.

"I am not anyone's bitchboy." Ciel corrected Jeff. Both Jeff and Alois laughed.

"Suuuuuure." Alois said, and he held out his hand for Ciel hold it.

Which he did without thinking, because really, can't a guy hold another guy's hand in public without other people thinking that he was a pedophile? It was a totally harmless, platonic sign of affection between two friends. That and chronologically, Alois was technically six months older than Ciel to begin with so it was kind of impossible for it to be considered pedophilia in the first place. It just looked pretty sketch because Ciel was a seven foot tall demon that appeared to be in his late twenties and Alois was a dead human who didn't look any different except that he changed the color of his blonde hair weekly. Today his bangs were pale pink and he wore a pale blue bow clip. Ciel just noticed that he actually thought Alois (of all psychopaths in the world) to be cute.

He was actually pretty manipulative, not as manipulative as Claude was but he walked into Sebastian's place demanding Ciel go out and buy him stuff and damn it if Ciel didn't really do it. A liquor store in hell was basically a liquor store in a heaven created for alcoholics. To demons, the procuring of high quality booze was just as much of an art as culinary skills were to humans. Because they didn't need to eat, but could still get drunk the next logical step was to be really good at making liquor. Ciel pushed the cart around the store with Jeff sitting in the child carrying basket telling him which bottles to buy and Alois tagging behind him like a lost puppy.

"They have grilled cheese flavored vodka, Jeff." Ciel told his fuzzy manager.

"Well fuckin' get some." Jeff told him.

After their trip to the liquor store they stopped by the local whole foods organic market. You could smell the patchouli from down the block. Ciel bought Jeff whatever he demanded, all of which was ridiculously expensive. You don't think Jeff can make a twenty dollar sandwich? Fuck that noise, he'll make a four hundred dollar sandwich and serve it on a trash can lid because he subscribes to twenty first century hipster ironic humor. The fact that the twenty first century has barely even started doesn't stop him from doing so. On their back to Sebastian's condo, Alois stopped by a shop window.

"Ciiieel." He whined.

"What."

"Let's make a rocket." Alois suggested, pointing to the window display of the ballistics store in front of them. This seemed like a really bad idea. Anything that combined getting Alois drunk and letting him handle explosives was a really bad idea, so naturally Ciel totally had to do it. Dangerous, reckless, and stupid was the checklist to a great party. Ciel, Jeff and Alois? Jeff alone was a party but two more people and it was starting to be one hell of a party.

Jeff was happily munching down on his kitty cat sandwich while Alois constructed his rocket. Ciel had no idea how explosives worked but Alois had been helping Claude program the pyrotechnics for their live shows for quite some time, so Ciel assumed Alois knew what he was doing. Even if the rocket Alois was making was primarily constructed of NASA grade rocket fuel, cardboard, and duct tape. It was anyone's guess as to what material there was more of in the rocket- duct tape or rocket fuel. Alois held it up and it looked pretty janky, but all three of them were pretty wasted. They didn't care and Alois perched the rocket on the peak of Sebastian's roof, and pointed it to the empty coast line.

"Got a light?" he asked. Ciel tossed him his lighter. It had pictures of kittens on it. Ciel stole it from Sebastian awhile back.

Alois lit the rocket and backed away from it as the fuse got smaller and smaller, and the rocket rocketed from Sebastian's roof off into the distance. Ciel had his binoculars ready, following the path to the rocket. First it soared into the air and above the ocean like some fantastic duct taped swan. Then it turned around, hit a large apartment building and exploded. This caused a small fire which soon became a relatively large fire. Alois borrowed the binoculars and looked at the burning wreckage that he had more or less had caused.

"Silence pact?" Alois asked.

"Silence pact." Ciel said.

Alois noticed that Sebastian was walking by so he threw an empty bottle at him, and an empty glass; and then Jeff threw a bottle with his pathetic kitty arms because Alois was doing it, and it seemed like fun. Sebastian looked up and flipped them off from the pavement before walking in his house, expecting the worst. It wasn't so bad for Ciel and Jeff staying there unsupervised for nearly two weeks. There were papers thrown every where in the living room but nothing was broken and that probably means that the party was contained solely on roof. Sebastian knew he would find a huge mess up there, so he wasn't too thrilled to go up there.

He wouldn't have to, because the group of drunken idiots descended from the roof though the upstairs bedroom window. Sebastian looked mildly pissed off, but Ciel didn't care. He still embraced Sebastian in a very awkward, somewhat spine crushing hug of unparallelled affection. Sebastian wasn't sure to be more surprised or disgusted by the brazen and public display of platonic affection. Ciel was hanging onto him like some kind of man-sized leech with wings and horns and bad taste in fashion.

"Why are you touching me." Sebastian asked. Ciel said nothing.

"Let me go of me." Sebastian asked. Still no reply.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Sebastian shouted, and still, Ciel kept hugging him.

"Is this some kind of contest to see how long it takes to make me both pissed of and uncomfortable because you can tell Jeff whatever oddly specifics amount of time he guess is right." Sebastian told Ciel.

"Can't I just hug you for no reason?" Ciel asked.

"No, and it's because I hate you to the very core of my being and you hate me just as much and you only do it to bother me knowing I can't fight back." Sebastian told him.

"Yeah, you're right. You can't fight back. So shut up and take my hugs." Ciel told him. Sebastian just growled in reply. What a horrible, sadistic master Ciel was.


	66. fame for fame's sake

The inside of the recording studio was a sound proofed cage in which a person was isolated by themselves in pure silence. Not white noise silence, but pure, filtered and cushioned and blockaded silence. It was actually unnerving after awhile. Outside the white-walled container, however was a cacophony of endless chatting, most of which was down right obscene. This was due to the fact that today, the band Super Hell would be recording their new album and it was an absolute mobscene of Jeff screaming orders, Sebastian and Ciel bitching about the orders, and Alois and Claude rushing around doing every last thing that Jeff instructed them to do.

"Get me a coffee!" Jeff yelled at Claude.

"Any thing else?" Claude asked.

"Can you get me a coffee too?" Ciel asked.

"Do I look like your slave?" Claude retorted.

"Nope. Sebastian, go get me a coffee." Ciel said.

Sebastian sighed and left the enjoyable quiet of his recording room. It was one of the few places he had to himself where he wasn't being surrounded by a constant amount of pure stupidity. Pure stupidity, being his bandmates and his manager, none of which he ever wanted to call his friend even though all of them took the self-elected position anyways. He was on his merry way straight to the nearest starbucks, because Jeff thought it would be pointless if they both got everyone else coffee. Sebastian shouldn't have to fucking do this, he was the lead singer of this band. Make Alois do it. He didn't do jack shit except follow Claude around like a lovesick puppy.

The line at the nearest starbucks was crowded, so Sebastian walked across the street to a different one and found that the line was still long but at least it wasn't so long that it curled around the street corner. He thought to himself that demons were the perfect combination of ruthless killing machines and hopelessly lazy motherfuckers, with most falling into the latter half of the spectrum. It was a flawless portrait printed on tissue paper and left out in the rain to slowly dissolves and wash into the sewer where it could no longer hold any meaning.

"Hey Dahvie, can I get your autograph?" a girl asked Sebastian. She was tall, had three sets of horns and smaller, feather wings on her back, the wings were about as fake as the shitty synthetic hair extensions she wore. They were all sort of clashing clusterfucked colors, including the dreaded 'coon tails' that were dyed across her bangs. She wore a neon pink tshirt with green leopard print jeans, too many cheap 'pearl' necklaces (that Sebastian mistook for anal beads), and took much shitty eyeliner that she probably purchased at hot topic.

"Excuse me?" Sebastian asked. On the inside, he felt a part of the soul he didn't have die as he has forced to look at her horrible countenance.

"Uh... Davhie Vanity. I'm like, a huuuge Blood on the Dancefloor fan." the girl clarified for Sebastian. Sebastian had no idea who the hell this 'Dahvie' person was and he didn't give a shit. He just hoped that they were a fashion consultant that could give her eye-searing appearance a makeover.

"I am not that person." Sebastian said.

"Oh. Okay." the girl replied before walking away.

Sebastian was glad to be rid of the badly dressed idiot. As the line shortened, he tried to remember what everyone had asked for. Jeff- one extra large iced caramel machiatto, whole milk, whipped cream, extra sugar. Alois- medium coconut flavored coffee, black with eight sugars. Ciel- an extra large cake batter frappuchino. Claude- twenty shots of espresso in a large coffee cup. Sebastian himself ordered a medium dirty chai latte. The barista looked at him weird because he was a grown man ordering a bunch of girly drinks, but he probably would have looked at him even stranger if he knew that everyone else back at the recording studio were also grown men.

"Thanks Sebs." Jeff said.

"Whatever." Sebs grumbled as he drank his coffee and tea mixture. He retreated into the sterile recording studio because he wanted to enjoy his drink in peace and quiet. Some where away from Ciel and Jeff arguing about whose mix is better and away from Alois and Claude's constant, endless combination of flirting and arguing with each other. Sebastian read over the lyrics, and he hated them because Ciel wrote them and they were horrible. Still, he had a job It wasn't much of a job, but it paid more than your job does.

y_ou think that you have won  
__you think that you are stronger than me  
__but what is a goddess  
__against someone who refuses  
__to believe or worship  
__the dying calls of a reluctant and neglectful  
__ignorant, bile-spewing pig_

_I refuse to be silent,  
__complacency is for the uneducated!_

_if you will sit upon righteous thrones  
__I will push you off every time  
__if you speak devious lies  
__I will cut out your tongue  
__and if you try to stand above me  
__I will break your legs  
__I have spent enough time trying to be you  
__just to realize that I was better all along._

_This is my rebellion, my revolution.  
__To bring you down  
__To spite your name  
__To make your face sin  
__To make you drink the same poison  
__that you sold me.  
_

_if you will make my name a profanity  
__then I will make yours criminal offense  
__if you will try to kill me  
__then I will disfigure you  
__and if you try to make this seem unjustified  
__then I will tell the truth, each and every time  
__I spent enough time deny what was was real,  
__now I will believe in nothing but honesty, and that isn't you._

_This is my reign, bring forth the reimagining!  
__To erase your existence  
__To melt your crown  
__To destroy all you have  
__To make you drink the same poison  
__that you forced on me._

"Fuck you for making me sing that. I'm not performing this live." Sebastian complained.

"Okay but when we start touring for this album you will be singing it live." Jeff said. He would be singing it live, too. Jeff didn't care how shitty it was, and neither did the audience.

"Fuck all of this." Sebastian grumbled.

"What is worse, being the lead singer or being a butler again?" Jeff asked.

Sebastian actually had to think about that. Being a butler that he had to do strenuous tasks and work day every day with no sleep or reprieve. Not to mention that the humans he worked with were insufferably incompetent at anything other than destroying everything they came into contact with. He recalled many long nights cleaning the carpets in a mansion on his knees. Still, his current gig at Ciel's slave had been far less physically demanding, but was something more of a psychological torture. Here he was stuck in tight spaces with three psychopaths, two of which wanted to violate him sexually at every moment whether he wanted to or not. He certainly made more money, a huge sum in fact, and traveling through the galaxies spreading cliché violin industrial music could be fun at times. Though, Sebastian had to admit, both of them sucked equally, just in different ways.

"I'd rather be dead than either of them." Sebastian said.

"Well, you've recorded an album, which we need to market presales for, and then you need to tour for said album to get ticket and merch sales. You being dead doesn't fuckin' help me with any of those things." Jeff told him.

"Speaking of that... I have an idea of what we can do to popularize your new album." Jeff told Sebastian.

"I'm not doing a full nude on the cover again. The photographer made me look fat and unbecoming." Sebastian said. Though the idea of a man who was seven feet tall and barely weight over one hundred and fifty pounds looking over weight was both stupid and hilarious.

"Fuck you, that cover was awesome!" Alois shouted at Sebastian. He was proud of that photoshoot, damn it. And it was impossible for over there to fat anyways.

"Yeah well listen up fairies, because this is the best idea I have had in a long time." Jeff said as he stood on his hind legs and motioned for them all to come closer to him with his soft, pink, squishy kitty paws.

"Sebastian and Ciel are starring in a pornographic film."

_(Yes, if you dress up as Superhell!Sebastian in public, people WILL mistake you for the lead singer of Blood on the Dancefloor. They will also mistake you for Sharon Needles.)_


	67. decay of the celebrity

_Sometimes I think I've hit the weirdness barrier, and that I can't possibly get any weirder. And then I write this. _

"No." Sebastian said.

"I am going to have to agree. The whole secret sex tape Alois leaked on youtube was bad enough. I am not having sex on high definition camera." Ciel said. He wasn't going back down that road. That road was paved with broken vodka bottles and poor choices.

"C'mon guys. This isn't going to be some sleazy attempt to exploit you for money. It's a legitimate videographic experience. With a studio, proper cameras, lighting and there is a proper script written out for you. I even paid a director." Jeff said. All of this was true, except he wasn't paying the director until they got the movie finished.

"Videographic isn't a word." Sebastian said.

"It will be in two hundred years. Get with the fuckin' times." Jeff corrected him.

"I might be convinced to do this." Ciel said.

"No." Sebastian said.

"It won't be that bad. At least it's nothing weird that we haven't done before." Ciel said.

"Plus, I've leaked so many nude photos of you on my blog that it's legit impossible that the video will contain any big secret that nobody has seen before."

"_Fine._ I will become a porn star. Just for an album promotion. You sleazy fuzzball." Sebastian hissed. It was becoming easier and easier for Jeff to rope Sebastian into his insane staged publicity stunts. As son as you'd know it, Sebastian would be having sleepovers with Paris Hilton and carrying around a tea cup chi hua hua for media clout.

"I knew you'd be okay with this, which is why I have a present for you guys." Jeff said.

"What is it?" Ciel asked.

"I have rented out a vip table at the most underground, most exclusive strip club in hell. You need to know about it before you even know about it." Jeff explained.

"I love you." Ciel said, hugging Jeff.

"I love you too, you sleazy motherfucker." Jeff replied.

"Tonight we party in hell!" Alois shouted. Everyone looked at him funny. "Well, I thought my punch line was funny. Fuck you guys." he said.

The Masquerade was not just the most metaphorically underground night club in hell, it was also the most literally underground night club in hell. (All the more reason and temptation for their hipster manager to take them there all expenses paid.) The reason being that it was one of those hard to hear about things, the kind of fancy soiree that you hear from a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend until it sounds like some kind of urban myth. Like sewer alligator or Sebastian's scrapbook. The other reason why was the club was so underground was the fact that it was in a cave a few thousand feet below the ground and could only be accessed by an elevator that was inside of a locked vault behind a large group of surly club bouncers.

The inside of the club was nice, but it was not unusual compared other high class underground nightclubs. The entire appeal of Masquerade was the sheer thrill of getting into the club, but once you were there, it was underwhelming. They already received your money so what the fuck did the club owners care? There was also a two bottle starting cost or you wouldn't even make it through the elevator. The walls of the club were painted a jewel tone of purple that Sebastian could identify as amethyst, with matching velvet furniture. The accent color of the entire place was gold, which made it gaudy. Claude enjoyed the fact that there was a golden fountain with cherubs spitting into a pool of gold-trimmed marble. Ciel enjoyed the fact that the little cherubs spat out liquor. Everyone did.

The band and their manager were dressed to the tens, and in accordance with the club's strict wardrobe rules and regulations. Everyone was checked and signed off by a snooty demon with grey skin and lopsided orange horns by the door before they could get in. Sebastian wore a black cropped suit jacket with spiked and feathered epaulets with a black rose brooch on the lapel, combined with his normal pair of tight leather shorts and black spike-heeled boots. He also wore a couple feathery necklaces and his hands were practically bedazzled with rings. He was the best dressed in the group, though Alois wasn't so bad. He wore white shorts, a white tank top that was three sizes too small with a bunch of pale pink and blue heart shaped decorations. He wore a rainbow bow hairclip that matched his lisa frank style pumps. Ciel and Claude looked okay, because Sebastian and Alois had dressed them.

They were instructed to put their masks on before they could be seated at their table. Walking through the club, they noticed that everyone was wearing their masks at all times. Even the wait staff wore them. Jeff knew this and ahead of time, instructed everyone to wear a mask that would make it obvious. Ciel's mask was made from a thin, nearly transparent leather made from bat wings. Sebastian's mask was decorated with crow feathers and spikes- what a surprise! Alois's mask was covered with pieces of mirror and holographic glitter in between the pieces. Claude's mask was made from a wire frame covered with fake spider webs and painted black. Everyone knew where Jeff was. He was the cat with the native American tribal headdress.

"When you said it was underground, you really meant it." Sebastian said to Jeff.

"I don't fuck around when it comes to underground." Jeff said.

"Yes Jeff, we know." Jeff was that guy who would honestly and truly book a demon industrial band for a christian soft rock festival if he could. Just for the 'irony' of it all. Lucky for them, and sadly for Jeff, there was no such thing as a christian soft rock festival in hell.

"This is some shitty booze." Alois commented as he downed his round of medication with a tall glass of ridiculously expensive champagne.

"It's champagne." Sebastian said.

"It still tastes bad." Alois argued. His drink still tasted pretty terrible. But to everyone else, it was an okay drink. Not good, not great, but it was okay.

"Well, I'm sure that to someone who lacks refinement, it does." Sebastian told him.

"It could also taste bad if Claude put drugs in it." Jeff said. Claude glared at him, but no amount of glaring would stop Jeff from saying whatever he wanted to.

"Shut up, fluffball." Claude said, flicking Jeff's forehead. Jeff's routine jokes about Claude were a part of everyday life, and would be for the only way for Jeff to cope with the constantly disgusting actions of Claude was to mock them mercilessly.

After their first two bottles, the group of bad decision making creatures of the night strolled their way down to the dance floor. The music playing was a kind of grating mix of jazz and electropop. Like literal underground night clubs that require thousands of dollars just to get in, it was the kind of thing that only demons and hipster cats could truly appreciate.

"Do you think that they'd play some XMH if I requested it?" Sebastian asked Jeff.

"What the fuck? No." Jeff replied. "They're not playing your fucking damn hellectro rhythmic noise agrrotech horse shit at this club."

"It's better than whatever this is." Sebastian muttered.

"It's not. Besides. I need you to do something very fucking important for me. Consider it a special task if you will, anyway, I need you." Jeff said.

"Alright, what is it?" Sebastian asked.

Ciel schmoozed his way through the dance floor with Alois. He found himself lost in the writhing, wriggling mass that was called 'a large group of people dancing'. After a few drinks, he had trouble figuring out who the fuck anyone was, and nobody could tell who he was. Ciel had just become some guy with obnoxiously large wings and nice shoes in a sea of other people with wings and horns wearing masks and having nice shoes.

"Take out your phone." Jeff said. Sebastian took out his kick ass smart phone.

Ciel saw a waiter walking by and stole a shot from the serving tray because he wasn't looking and downed it. He threw it some where in the distance. Nobody could hear the sound of the guy who had glass smash against the back of his skull over the sound of the music playing. Some man who was much shorter than he was, but wearing shoes to compensate for it offered Ciel yet another shot, and Ciel accepted it without question.

"Set it to the video function." Jeff said. Sebastian turned on the video app.

Ciel and that mysterious guy started feeling each other up on the dance floor. Which to be fair, was pretty the same damn thing that everyone else was doing so it's not like they stuck out in the crowd of other rowdy people doing the ye olde bump and grind at each other's rumpuses.

"And?" Sebastian asked.

Soon enough, Ciel found himself making out with a mysterious masked stranger. This was something that he did on a fairly often basis, though he usually just slept with groupies that he met on livejournal because lonely girls are desperate and generous lovers. Ciel was busy playing playing tongue hockey with a stranger, so she didn't notice Alois and Claude sneaking up behind him. Jeff made a paw motion at Alois and Claude, who were standing near by. They nodded in reply to Jeff, a mutual sign that everyone but Ciel was in on something, but what exactly they were in on, what this entire shenanigan was going to entail was still a mystery.

"Point it at Ciel. He's over there dancing with that guy who looks like a stripper. Record now!" Jeff said. Sebastian did as he was told.

Alois stood behind the mysterious stranger and Claude stood behind Ciel. Each of their masks were tied on with flimsy ribbon. All it took was a quick tug and the masks were toppling down and the two strangers stared at each other. Alois and Claude snickered, as it became obvious that had been macking on Vincent Phantomhive, his father, this entire time. Sebastian could see Alois and Claude standing near the two... taking their masks off. Then, he could hear nothing but laughing coming from everyone except Ciel and Vincent who were just screaming at each other awkwardly.

"Thanks for that Sebs. I knew I could count on roping you into my shenanigans." Jeff said.

"I can't believe you made me... _that_."

"Look on the bright side, you can always blackmail Ciel with it. So don't go thinking that you got out of this without an advantage." Jeff said.

"I feel better about this." Sebastian said as he high-fived Jeff.


	68. rape glorification culture

_If you honestly and truly think that Superhell! is nothing but a ploy for attention and vitriol, then I welcome you to talk with me about it personally so I can better explain to you and help you understand, instead of you putting words and motivations in my mouth that aren't true. The main reason why I have spent so much time on this story is because I love this story, I believe in the messages in it, and that because I've written a story like Superhell!, I have met truly amazing and inspiring people that I would not have known otherwise. If I were doing this simply out of spite, I would not have spent so much time carefully and lovingly putting a story like his together, and I wouldn't have gone into the effort of making my own website for it. If you want more of an explanation than that, I'll gladly talk it out with you but I will not stand for people giving me titles and motivations that aren't true. If you want speak negative things of me, I'm okay with it but I won't tolerated dishonesty. _

"I can not believe that I am actually doing this, and that I am doing it willingly." Sebastian complained. He had always told himself that he'd never do something degrading and asinine like get filmed on camera having sex with his worst enemy in the world.

"It's just a movie, and we have already done so many worse things than this. This is a way more harmless way to stage a publicity stunt than that time where we killed thousands of diplomats." Ciel told him.

"Heres the script, boys." Jeff said. On top of the table was the script to the film. It was a pretty thick sized screen play, with a striped cover with the title printed on it in silver ink reading 'Fear and Obsession'. Sebastian dismissed the design of a sophomoric, derivative imitation of Emilie Autumn's design with none of the interesting dynamic. Sebastian dismissed the wayward bearer of plague rats herself to be contrived, but imitating her was the top of the mediocrity pyramid. Still, Sebastian would keep an open mind and read it.

"Where _did_ she get this information?" Ciel hissed, already a few pages into the script.

"What?"

"Read it." Ciel said. Sebastian started reading. On the second page was a picture of Ciel from a newspaper dated in 1889, harkening back to the jack the ripper case. Including facts of Ciel's real birth date (December 14th 1875), listing Vincent and Rachel Phantomhive as his parents, his date of death (subsequent rebirth as a demon) along with information about how he was once betrothed to Elizabeth Middleford. Since becoming famous in the intergalactic sense of being famous, Ciel had kept many details about his private life on the hush. Including the very scandalous fact that he was made- not born a demon.

"How the fuck did they get this?" Sebastian asked, holding up his script, on the page that showed a picture from 1880 with a five year old Ciel and six year old Lizzie holding hands at the easter party held by Ciel's parents.

"The same way they know about both Lau and Undertaker." Ciel said. He flipped through the script. Granted, the author only new that Lau was a friend of Ciel's and was clearly very puzzled on the rest of the details. For the sketches of Lau and his girlfriend-sister Ran Mao showed Lau in wearing gaudy, culturally and historically inaccurate garments and pictures Ran Mao wearing nothing but panties, and a fishnet shirt with nipple tape. Ciel's memory wasn't as good as it was before he started doing drugs, but he sure as fuck knew that nobody wore fishnet or nipple tape in the year 1889.

"This is deeply disturbing, though it looks like someone named Nicole write it, not Melissa." Sebastian pointed out, having gone to the credits page in the background.

"Thank hell." Ciel said.

And so, Sebastian reading the script. We'd say, 'god help his soul', but he has no soul and god is a lazy fuck who helps no one. Sebastian's all on his own.

_"Fear and Obsession"_

_By Nicole Finger_

_Adapted from the comic "Fear and Obsession" by Nicole Finger_

_Sebastian: Good morning, Little Master! *rips the blankets off Ciel's bed as he sleeps*_

_Ciel: Know your place, Sebastian! *grumble *_

_Sebastian: Now, Now Ciel. Lookie here! It's a letter from Lizzie._

_Ciel: I hate that bitch!_

_Sebastian: Do not despair, for I have a letter from the Queen of England and a newspaper that is also apparently talking about the author Nicole._

_Ciel: The Red Apple Killer? Someone putting pieces of apple in womens mouths, stabbing them in pentacles and leaving them for dead?_

_Sebastian: Yes._

_Ciel: Get the cane and the carriage, because it's time to get down to business._

_Sebastian: To defeat the apples?_

_Ciel: Damn skippy._

_Sebastian: Wow, theres this sickly sweet smell. It smells delicious. *creepy grin*_

_Ciel: You sure are creepy and demonic looking Sebastian, it gives me the heebie jeebies._

_Sebastian: I feel pretty randy right now._

_Lau: Hey guiz._  
_Ciel: Hey look, it's the token asian character who looks like his eyes are closed._  
_Lau: Look at how mysterious and exotic and azn I am! I like smoking opium and banging hookers because I am a one dimensional plot device. Btw, this is jimson weed. It's going to make you super high and drunk just from smelling it while having no effect on me._  
_Ciel: Oh shit, I am totally drunk and vulnerable._

_Sebastian: I should leave now. *picks Ciel up and leaves.*_

_Ciel: /sitting in bed, Gee Sebs, why are you acting so weird?_

_Sebastian: Because as Lau said, the smell of that flower makes me super drunk and horny acting. I just can't control myself! *gets super close *_

_Ciel: Sebastian you are really violating my space._

_Sebastian: Thats not the only thing of yours I'm going to violate. *get super duper close*_

_Ciel: What?!_  
_Sebastian: Nothing. Go to sleep._

_-the next morning-_

_Ciel: Well, I think we should probably go investigate to see if Grell did it. After all, she totally likes red, apples are red, this case is super simple._

_Sebastian: To Undertaker's!... because for some reason, Grell is there._

_Ciel: Grell did you do it?_

_Grell: No._  
_Undertaker: I can give you more information... for a price._

_Ciel: What would that be?_

_Undertaker: Well..._

_Ciel: *is sitting in a pink playboy kitty cat suit* Oh... *spreads legs* Nyaaa... I hate this. Meow. Purr puur nya. Don't you have a cat fetish, Sebas-chan. Nya._  
_Sebastian: *gets a nosebleed *_  
_Undertaker: *laughing his ass off *_

_Ciel: Well, Undertaker?!_  
_Undertaker: Neither Grell or I have any idea behind the murders. But Sebastian seems very needy, you know what that smell does to demons, right?_  
_Ciel: Yes, I do know. He tried to rape me last night._  
_Undertaker: Well, the best way to stop rape is to just let him have what he wants, because he will force you do it anyways. Just give in and show him how much you love him._  
_Ciel: Don't we have that contract, where he can't do anything if I order him not to?_  
_Undertaker: Yeah, nobody is paying attention to that. Now put on your fishnet tights and bend over because what you want doesn't matter in this storyline._

_Ciel: *is wearing fishnet tights, shimapan, and pumps*_  
_Sebastian: Well don't you look rapeable._  
_Ciel: No, Sebby please! Don't touch me!_  
_Sebastian: *touches his wee wee*_

_Ciel: *moan * I don't like this... *moan moan * Well, maybe I do..._

"What the fuck?!" Sebastian screeched, throwing his copy of the script across the room.

"Way to control that temper of yours." Ciel said.

"Did you fucking read up to chapter nineteen 'that butler, hungers for ciel's virginity'?" Sebastian asked Ciel, who just shrugged.

"Yeah, I'm way past that." Ciel said.

"This shows me, _raping _you." Sebastian said.

"This shows you raping me several times and I end up giving in and enjoying it because Nicole thinks that when I was younger, I was some sort of helpless fucktoy for you to get your rape on with." Ciel said. He wasn't that bothered by it, actually. He was just mildly disturbed that someone had bothered doing all that research on his childhood he had been keeping secret just to throw all of the facts out the window.

"When you were younger, you worked as a hit man for the Queen of England. One time I surprised you and you nearly shot me in the face. You scalded my hands with tea."

"Yes, and it is not 1889 anymore. I am not a human, and I'm not a little boy. I am a grown man, and even though what Nicole has written is a wildly inaccurate catastrophe of tropes that make no sense, clothing that is so bad looking not even Alois would wear it, and even though she's made money from this, I am not angry. It's disgusting and problematic, but so is the fact that a few days ago I blew up an apartment building by accident and killed a few people."

"I refuse to be portrayed as a rapist, and I refuse to give anyone the faintest idea that I would even begin to do something like that to a child." Sebastian said. He was offended by the idea, and would not buy into it. He didn't care when other people did it, but he would not pretend to rape a child, on camera, and he sure wouldn't market it.

"Really, because didn't you try to rape me before and I thought you were just joking about killing me when it turns out that me liking you is a huge boner kill for you?" Ciel asked.

"Well yes, but at the end the end of the day, you had consented the entire time. In this story, you never consented at all and laid there and took it while telling me not to. Which is not the young master that I ever remember you being. You would have never allowed me to do that, I wouldn't have allowed myself to do that." Sebastian told Ciel.

"You are right about that." Ciel said.

"I am not fond of the idea of anything that portrays us as a romantic couple." Sebastian added in.

"Why does anyone think that what goes on between us has ever been about romance?" Ciel asked Sebastian. If anything, it's about the desperation and laziness to find a better partner.

"I have no idea. It's like they don't even know who we are yet they spend so much time assuming things about our lives, putting motivations we never had on things that we have already explained. All they want to do is either hate us or masturbate to us instead of paying attention to what is really happening." Sebastian said.

"Do you think anything that goes between on us is romantic?"

"Do you think that I would ever love someone who imprisoned me? Do you think that I wouldn't torment you for the rest of eternity as punishment for your betrayal?" Sebastian asked. This, that whole _'what if sebastian gets loose'_ problem was still a valid one, for Ciel had no doubts in his mind that whatever would happen to him if he did would not be pleasant.

"Not at all. Though if Nicole wrote a script for that scenario, I might be better than lukewarm about this entire pornographic situation." Ciel admitted.

"I would prefer that. I'm not going to be seen as a rapist. Not now, not ever, not for all the money or publicity that there is." Sebastian said.

"If you're not okay with this, then I am not going to make you." Ciel told him. The fact that Ciel, for once in his life, was actually trying to be considerate towards Sebastian's feelings almost made Sebastian feel bad for the fact that he had blackmailing opportunities on his phone. Almost. Ciel could not find it in himself to blame Sebastian either, considering that well.

"Jeff, we're not doing this." Sebastian said.

"Why the fuck not?" Jeff said.

"Because I refuse to be seen on the same level as Claude, that is why." Sebastian explained.

"It's fiction. Fanfiction, even. Nobody should take it seriously." Jeff told him.

"It promotes the same idealogical values that had me-" Sebastian said but was promptly interrupted with a meow and a Jeff lecture attached to it.

"Okay, fine. Don't pull out that card on me, I was there when it happened. I'll talk to the director and have her edit the damn thing." Jeff explained.

"I don't think there is any editing or justification you put on this to make it not sound like rape. The entire plot is about how some serial killer drugs me to try and make me rape Ciel. There are entire passages in which other characters tell him to let me rape him. The entire plot seems to revolve around the idea of me scaring a young boy into letting me have sex with him." Sebastian explained to Jeff. Which was true, and everyone who read the story could tell that the main motivation behind it lead to a sex scene. After all, it was a porno and not expecting sex would be foolish. But most pornographic films didn't involve such blatant justification or implication of rape.

"Do you know what it's like to be a young boy and have someone convince you that it's okay if you let them rape you? Look at me Jeff! You know very well that I was born with wings, and you know how I got disfigured." Sebastian told him. In truth, only two people knew the answer to why Sebastian was so offended and that was Claude (who was to blame) and Jeff (who would never understand and didn't care enough to try).

"Okay, okay. I get it. That script offended you on a deep level. It's cool. She's a stupid fucking fangirl, we'll have her write another script entirely devoid of rape." Jeff said. He would get his porno done, even if it meant putting up with Sebastian's more-than-occasional melodrama. Jeff swore up and down that every single vocalist was some kind of high strung drama queen.

"Alois runs into the room after eavesdropping with a glorious solution!" Alois said in third person narration as he swung down from the rafter of the production studio on a piece of rope while wearing a cape. Nobody knew where he learned how to do that without killing himself or where he got the cape. Nobody wanted to ask, either.

"What is it? I'm pretty desperate here so I will take this seriously." Jeff asked Alois.

"Me and Claude will do it! We'll dress up like Sebastian and Ciel and do all of the acting." Alois suggested.

"Seriously?" Jeff said.

"Yep! I read Fear and Obsession when it came out as a comic and I really liked it even though the sex in it was vanilla." Alois said. "I'm sure the porno version of it will be even hotter."

"Get wishing Alois, because it is ridiculously vanilla." Ciel said.

"Don't worry, I will save this entire plot, one sex scene at a time!" Alois cheered.

"This feels like a mistake but I'm already cutting it on time and the director is going to start filming this week so if you and Claude will do it, I am okay with it." Jeff said.


	69. dear satan please no more poly satin

For Claude, it was easy to look like Sebastian. He could look exactly look like Sebastian's human form from over a hundred years ago down to even the smallest details. Everything from the exactly slightly brown shade of black his hair was, to the lily white pallour of his skin. Of course, Claude had gotten close enough to measure out the other details, but he liked the way his cock was on it's own, and it was better than Sebastian's, anyways. For Alois, the process wasn't that simple but all it took was 25 minutes of bleaching the pink out of his hair, and then using a grey toner for his hair, and it was a pretty close color match to the blue gray color of Ciel's hair. Alois remembered body was far more toned and in shape than Ciel's ever was, but that was an unimportant detail. He'd rather have the better body, than be stuck with Ciel's awkward and scrawny prepubescent one.

"Where the fuck is wardrobe?" Alois asked Claude, who was already in Sebastian's butler uniform. Alois had to admit, it brought back memories. Most of which were bad, but he could think of good ones. Laughing at Claude's stupid harry potter glasses, and wondering why a demon would wear glasses in the first place. (Because they were sexy, that's why.) Tossing priceless deeds and warrants all over the front of the Trancy and laughing as some greedy fuck scrambled up and down the drive way chasing after pieces of paper as if he had found god.

"Aloisu-kuuuunnn!" shouted out a familiar person with a high pitched squeal. She was instantly recognizable from her tacky hot topic grade attempts at 'gothic lolita', and kitty cat ear head gear that should have never made it past the year 2004.

"Oh fuck me gently with a chainsaw." Alois grumbled. Where the hell did she even come from? Where did any fans come from, for that matter? And how would she even get into the filming area without a special pass?

"Co-nee-chi-waaa Aloisu-kun, nyan nyan!" she said as glomped Alois. Her bell bracelet jingled as she made the anime kitty cat gesture with her hands.

"Hello NekoNeko. What are you doing here?" Ciel asked, as he feigned politeness.

"Well duh, Ciel-kun! NekoNeko-chan is here to direct your movie debut, desu-nya!" NekoNeko said. She was getting more over the top with the obnoxious weaboo thing since Maddie died and left her alone to her own devices.

"I thought our director was named Nicole." Sebastian said.

"Watashi wa NekoNeko desu! Nicole is my uncool name, but I'm NekoNeko-chan one hundred percent, desu nya!" NekoNeko said, bringing her fingers to her forehead in a peace sign.

"Actually, I'm not in it. Alois is acting the part of Ciel Phantomhive." Ciel told her. He could not be any more glad that he got out of this before she showed up. It was one of the few good decisions that he had made recently.

"Awww. I was like, hoping to see your totally sugoi body again, Cielu-kun!" NekoNeko said.

"Well, Alois is here, and he's pretty much willing to do anything you want on camera." Ciel said.

"What about Sebby?" NekoNeko asked, with the expression of a kicked puppy on her face.

"Replaced him with Claude." Ciel said, as he pointed to Claude, who was already in his Sebastian costume, and was now busy with a comb and some hair spray, making sure his hair was perfect.

"So my two favorite men won't be in my movie debut, desu?" NekoNeko asked Ciel.

"We will not. Instead, we will be on vacation far far away from here." Ciel explained, trying not to give out specifics in case she went looking for him, or even worse, sent her entourage of idiot fans looking for them. Also, Ciel had no idea what he was going to do this week anyways. He and Sebastian left the building, but not before sneaking a congratulatory high five with each other for leaving Alois and Claude to deal with NekoNeko.

"Okie dokie! I hope you have a super-sugoi time." NekoNeko said. "Now, Mr. Aloisu-kun-"

"It's Alois. Just. Alois." Alois corrected her.

"Aloisu."

"Alois. Ah-lois. Not Uh-loy-su. Get it right." Alois told her. NekoNeko didn't seem to notice or care that he was already tired of her shit before they had even started filming.

"Okaaay. Now we're off to get you fitted for your ultra sexy outfits!" NekoNeko said, pushing Alois towards the wardrobe and styling room.

Alois looked at the outfits that he was to be wearing. One of them consisted of a short sleeved white blazer jacket with even cheaper rachel lace, and a floppy collar that looked like it lacked proper interfacing. It was about hip length in the front and knee length in the back and was poorly fitted, without even proper seams or darts at the waist. It looked like a milanoo potato sack. This was paired with a vertical striped sash tied around the waist of the blazer that was a sad attempt to make it fitted around the waist. The 'pants' that went with the outfit were nothing but a pair of horizontal striped cotton panties with garters that attached to horizontal striped stockings. This was paired with a pair of pumps, fishnet fingerless gloves. No shirt under the blazer.

"I like to call it emo gothic lolita." NekoNeko said proudly of her one of a kind, totally original and unique outfit she had designed all by herself

"No." Alois said. He wondered who the fuck combined horizontal and vertical stripes?! Even Claude knew better and he had trouble seeing colors and patterns. Normally, Alois wasn't this rude, but this so-called 'wardrobe' was the worst he'd ever seen, and he sure as hell wouldn't be wearing any of it. H wouldn't wear it on a set, he wouldn't wear it for a bet. He not wear them here or there, he wouldn't wear them any where. So said Alois Trancy.

"Well, I also made this outfit!" NekoNeko said, taking out the second one she made.

Alois was entirely sure that Jeff hired her with an entire wardrobe budget of five dollars. This outfit consisted of a pair of low waisted pale pink bloomers that barely hit mid-thigh and were trimmed with some cheap white eyelet lace. That was combined with a white 'lolita' styled sailor cut-sew with a pink collars and dollar store satin ribbon trim. Then, for whatever reason there was to be had, this was combined with plain patterned tights, and 'victorian' white and black riding boots. It was at this point that Alois wanted to strangle someone, but that wasn't an option. Ciel owed him one hell of a big favor for putting up with this.

"Not a million years." Alois told her. NekoNeko took out another outfit, and holy fuck; they only got worse and worse as the time went on. This was some sort of black and white, shiny, poly-satin cluster fuck decorated with pink ribbons and lace everywhere. That and it had the same vertical striped sash that would never match anything. First it was mismatched stripe and now it was both polka dots and stripes, when would these heinous crimes against fashion and common sense end?

"Ciel would never wear this. Ciel is my best friend and I'm not going to let him down by wearing this stupid shit. Unlike you, I care about supporting the things I care about in a way that doesn't involve short cuts and portraying people badly." Alois said.

"But I-" NekoNeko tried to defend herself, but Alois refused to let her get more than two words into a sentence before stopping her.

"But motherfucking nothing. _I_ will do the wardrobe, and _you_ will go back to whatever it is Jeff hired you to do on a semi-competent level." Alois told her. He was going to have a lot of work ahead of him if he was going to make this wardrobe presentable. Lucky for Alois, Sebastian had him doing all of his sewing busy work for years now and his ability to make the best out of shitty costumes was legendary. Alois could totally make his work in the best way.

After two hours of cutting and sewing and resewing and recutting, he had given up on recreating NekoNeko's designs in a more suitable manner. He didn't have any good fabric on hand, and despite his best attempts, he still had nothing to his name that would be passable as Ciel Phantomhive. However- he had one final ace, well cat, left to his advantage. Jeff. Who was just as petulant as he was completely brilliant, and could bail him out of this with a simple time paradox shenanigan. Which of course, was going back to Sebastian's house that morning, stealing Ciel's old clothing out of the wardrobe in the upstairs bedroom and then bringing it back to the studio just in time for the filming to begin.

Alois stood before the mirror in his one hundred percent authentic Ciel Phantomhive clothing, straight from the victorian era itself. Despite Ciel being so thin in his childhood, Alois fit into his clothes perfectly. He wore a long sleeved white button up shirt with a pointed collar and deep cuffs. The buttons were round and made of onyx, which matched the black silk cravat. Then he wore high waisted black velvet shorts that were cuffed at the knee. Then this was worn with black below the knee socks held up with proper sock garters, and a pair of black and white wing tip shoes. Alois also wore a black top hat with a white ribbon and veil. This was no doubt the handiwork of Nina Hopkins, though it seemed like the veil was perhaps added to the hat after wards by Sebastian. It seemed like a detail that Sebastian would add. Alois was totally Ciel Phantomhive, you could have looked at an old photograph of Ciel and not tell the difference at all.

"You look delightful." Claude commented.

"Don't I fuckin' know it?" Alois responded back.

_The best part of writing this chapter, is that all those intentionally designs are things I didn't even have to make up. Reality is way stranger than fanfiction. _


	70. let's get this orgy started

_I find it a very telling experience when people who are fans of Neneko (or even Neneko herself) come here on my story, on my story's review page, or come onto my website, or my tumblr and they leave me rude messages, or they insult you guys (which is an automatic deleted review). BUT, and here is the real point I wanna' get down to: I have never, ever, ever, ever seen or heard of any Superhell! readers insulting people. I've never seen anyone go on Neneko's page and tell her "Your story SUCKS, you're just jealous of Vivien! Fuck off and die! Superhell! is awesome and Obsessia sucks!". I've never seen ya'll go on Moon Maiden's fanfics and tell her how shitty you think purple prose is or point out how much they've ripped off me. And, from the bottom of the blackened excuse of my heart, I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for being considerate and openminded towards other people._

_Every time something this happens, I'm reminded how great you all are. I just feel so incredibly lucky that everyone who reads this story is awesome and level headed. You're all the chillest and illest motherfuckers around and I am so very happy that a bunch of random occurrences at a quantum level managed to collide in the exact way that has led to me being able to share this story with you. The only thing these people are proving is how shitty and insane some of Neneko and Moon Maiden's fans are and how great the readers of Superhell! are. And yes, I'm aware that a lot of people who read this are also fans of Melissa and Nicole too. In that case, you're just like,badass rebels to the laws of fandom crazy and I want to highfive you for reading this with an open mind and being able to understand and appareciate a wide variety of artistic skill. I also want to thank you for being sane, which (I know from personal experience) isn't as easy as some would think. -Vi._

"I love you so much that I'd wear one of those stupid costumes if it meant I could marry you." Alois told Claude. Claude twirled Alois around on the heels of his shoes. How long had it been since they had shared such a refined dance together? Too long. He could remember walking through Claude's hanging gardens by himself while Claude was somewhere doing something Alois assumed he wasn't allowed to ask about. But now, he was sure of it, he loved Claude. No matter what. He was committed, he was dedicated, and he'd stay with him forever.

"I'll make sure to put you in some thing cuter than that." Claude replied. He never said 'I love you', based on the premise, that well, he was already lying to Alois enough as it is.

"Can you kawaii yaoi boys stop kissin' over there and get on set!" NekoNeko asked. She had the camera flipped on. Since that yes, she was the writer, the director, the (now fired) stylist, and apparently the camera person. Claude and Alois glared at her, like seriously, did she just call them 'yaoi boys', fucking seriously? They grumbled and went back to the set.

_Ciel creeped out of his bedroom with the feeling of apprehension. Did he truly want to go there? Face Sebastian, even knowing that he been given some freaky demon drug that made him date rape everyone around. Ciel sighed, no he had to be brave. Face Sebastian. Undertaker told him that all he'd do is have sex with Sebastian and he would stop. He could still feel the sickly sweet scene of the jimson weed creeping into the back of his flushed mind, poking and prodding at his free will until he wasn't sure of what he wanted anymore. The entire hall way stank of the illogical aphrodisiac._

"_Didn't you think that I would notice you tip toeing oh so very softly towards my bedroom door? It's so, so sad that you didn't visit me." Sebastian asked Ciel, his lips sneering into a devious smirk and flash of overbitten fangs. Ciel gasped and moved away from him. This was so stupid, he never should have listened to a man who encouraged rape! Damn you, Undertaker!_

"_I'm so very sick after all, and you smell so delicious." Sebastian pushed Ciel into the cold wall of his victorian hallways. His teeth bit down on Ciel's exposed shoulder._

"_Get away from me! If you promise to stop this vile behavior, I'll forget you ever did this." Ciel pleaded, pushing back with a force that was weak. Surely not enough to push him off, and barely enough to tell Sebastian to fuck off. Sebastian withdrew his teeth from Ciel's shoulder._

"_What if I don't want you to forget it? What if I want every second of this permanently etched into the back of your skull? What if I don't want you to close your eyes without thinking of us like this?" Sebastian asked Ciel, pushing all his weight on Ciel. Ciel gasped and struggled in the inhumanely strong grip of Sebastian. He could not bear to look up into those glowing eyes of evil. This wasn't the Sebastian he knew, this wasn't the man he might have loved._

"_Sebastian! I or-" before Ciel could finish, Sebastian kissed him and Ciel could feel himself becoming dizzy and disorientated from all of the demonic viagra in Sebastian's saliva._

"_Stop..." Ciel muttered. He could barely speak, but Sebastian still jammed his knee between Ciel's legs and bit his lip shut before he could scream. Ciel was hard and aroused despite just getting kneed in the groin area, an action that was usually painful in the least erotic manner possible. Ciel moaned at the touch of Sebastian's bony knee against his tender crotch._

"_You like it. Now stop talking back to me, little master." Sebastian told Ciel, still poisoning him with his intoxicating demonic saliva._

"_N-no. Why can't you leave me alone and go rape someone else?" Ciel cried out._

"_Because you're the only human I want!" Sebastian told him, pressing his now ungloved fingers towards Ciel's slightly parted lips."Now suck."_

"_Go to hell!" Ciel shouted at him. Sebastian forced his fingers into Ciel's mouth and gave him a glare of 'if you fight me, I'll go in dry' that made Ciel obey him. Ciel wanted to give into Sebastian's advances, deep down in his heart. No matter how many times he said it was rape or that he didn't want it, he totally did and it's not rape at all. It was Ciel's fault that he was so horny like this, because he wouldn't have sex with him anyways._

"_Ciel... I wish to devour you until to the end." Sebastian said, holding Ciel's face in the palms. He stared into those limpid blue pools lovingly, tenderly and wiped his tears away with his thumb. "Please understand." and then the lights dimmed out from the scene._

"This blows." Alois said after he watched that scene. "Needs to be redone."

"What?! It's the perfect yaoi scene I imagined in my head! You two acted it out so kawaii, it's just a super sensual fantasy come to life!" NekoNeko said.

"Hardly. It's so vanilla and tender! Sebastian and Ciel would never act like this with each other. Sebastian wouldn't come up behind Ciel and offer to cradle him gently in the moon light. Ciel wouldn't even tolerate that kind of tender affection. Everything between them is this weird hate-lust tension. Sebastian and Ciel would probably get into a slap fight, that devolved into a kiss fight."

"How would you know what they would do?" NekoNeko asked. Truthfully, she felt insulted that Alois thought he could just walk into her place and tell her whether of nor her script was right or not. Maybe if it were Ciel or Sebastian she could tolerate, but she couldn't consider Alois's opinion more important to her own. Even if he knew better than she did, because that would have made sense. NekoNeko's favorite thing was to make absolutely no sense at all and accuse anyone who put even the slightest bit of logical questioning towards her as being wrong. Even if they're not.

"Because I see them do that, like, every other fuckin' day." Alois said. Truth.

"I don't think-" NekoNeko protested.

"Also I read the rest of the script and I really think that unlike in the comic, you should get Peach and Golfwang into the action. I think a gang bang with all the demons and Ciel would greatly improve the quality of this." Alois said. "Aaannd... something involving a vibrator and Sebastian's rump."

"Vibrators didn't exist then!" NekoNeko argued.

"It was dark times, back then." Alois told her. It was such a dark time before vibrators, that was for sure. He went there, done that and would never like to go back again.

"I don't know. I thought only woman only used those." NekoNeko said. Both Alois and Claude tried their best to stifle condescending giggles in her direction.

"Ciel owns one. I've packed his suitcase before."

"If we add that and an orgy scene, well, I don't think we'll have time for the plot." NekoNeko said. She wanted this to be tender and sensual, not some sort of filthy smutfest! Her story was tasteful, damn it.

"Plot, are you fucking kidding me? This is _porn_. Take out all the shitty excuse for a plot, because we all know the only reason you wrote all that was just a long set up for them to fuck anyways." Alois told her. Sure, he enjoyed it in it's original form but a comic is a comic and a porno is a porno and there is rarely a good way to combine them, and NekoNeko's skill level isn't high enough to find it.

_Sebastian jacked Ciel off, his expertly demonic hands were the exact combination of soft but rough that made Ciel's cock twitch with delight and last a grand total of seventeen seconds. Sebastian licked the semen off his hand, his tongue playing hockey with the wet palm of his hand. Soon, he became even more aroused, for human semen, just just jimson weed was a powerful sort of viagra or something to demons. Or whatever. It's science at work over here. He moaned into the semen and saliva soaked palm of his hand, unable to control insatiable lust for drugged up children whose consent for the act of having sex with him was pretty dubious considering that Sebastian drugged him and then played victim when Ciel called it the first time._

"_You taste it, too." Sebastian said, inserting his fingers into Ciel's mouth, Ciel became completely enthralled in the drug known as his own semen. It was totes hot. Ciel's inner goddess danced a haunting horizontal mambo with Sebastian's inner goddess that night._

"That actually... is not truthful. I have to say that the flower date rape drug is completely inplausible considering that jimson weed is a commonly known drug and we all know it doesn't do that. Even while my saliva has interesting properties when I'm in my true state, I doubt any demon has magical viagra spit. But this human semen aphrodisiac idea is just inane. The only effect swallowing human semen has had on me is that it made me want to vomit even though my entire digestive tract is vestigial." Claude said.

"Still boring! All you did was add in some cum eating, which I guess is kinky but it's not as hot as it could be. I know you've had sex before, but with this kind of directing; the audience will just assume this was written by a virgin with a water bra, imported porn she can't even read from japan and a rabbit vibrator. It needs more filth." Alois complained.

"If I could suggest that maybe you listen to her script, because your suggestions have been very vulgar." Claude muttered. Alois was throwing out some very hardcore suggestions. Of course it wasn't anything they hadn't done before, but it was still not polite to mention in company. Even if that company was someone as vulgar and disturbed as NekoNeko.

"And vulgarity is an improvement in porn!" Alois said.

"I agree. Make it as filthy as you can. Bitches love buying filthy smut." Jeff said, always mindful of the economic advantages of hardcore vs. softcore pornography. It was common knowledge that while playboy was in the dozens of millions range, any one who made hardcore pornography was very much into the hundreds of millions range. The more you show, the more you make.

"See? Even the asexual cat knows better than you you do when it comes to porn." Alois told NekoNeko. "Now, I've completely rewritten this entire script in a way that I think is far more sexy." He held up her script, with chicken scratch and cross out lines scrawled out all over the papers. NekoNeko looked him with a look of shock on her face- how dare he write all over her handiwork?!

"I won't do this!" NekoNeko shouted at Alois.

"You're fired, bitch." Alois told her. NekoNeko looked at him with a look of shock in her eyes.

"What?"

"You heard me bitch, get the fuck out. I had to do the styling because you sucked at it, I had to rewrite the scenes because you sucked at it. I'm going to have to do all of the work you were hired to do anyways because I'm sittin' here going through and fixing every single mistake that you have been making." Alois said.

"Baka!" NekoNeko hissed at him.

"Whatever bitch, I am the boss here, I'm all bossed up and I'm taking this to new levels of artistry." Alois said, waving her away. NekoNeko huffed and walked away, totally pissed off that she got kicked off her own set. She slammed the door behind her in a huff. Some day she would totally show everyone that she could take her dedication and willingness to create artwork that was of quality and meaning. But until then, she would have to settle for Alois rejecting her poorly written scripts and mocking her badly sewn and designed clothing.

"Well, I'd love to sit here and yell at you for firing the director, which is my fucking job, but now I don't have to pay her, and we'll make more money. So get back to work." Jeff said.


	71. satan's day on

**The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth **

1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.  
2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.  
3. When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there.  
4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.  
5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.  
6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.  
7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.  
8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.  
9. Do not harm little children.  
10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.  
11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.  
**Written by Anton Szandor LaVey, 1967**

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be Evil. - **Someone else.**

It was hard being Satan. Ruling over hell as a dictator was a self-assumed position since nobody ever voted at any election. Yes, there was an election to be ruler of hell, but demons thought apathy was cool so nobody voted... ever. It seemed like the most easy job in the universe, but actually, being Satan was hard as fuck. You had to pick up all the slack where Kevin was lazy fucker and then you had to deal with a whole she-bag of unwarranted public hatred. Still, even Satan has to take a day off every once in awhile, or perhaps every 100 years. Yet, there were still things to be done.

**1. Get looking fabulous.**

The first step to being the first fallen angel, princess of darkness, bearer of the antichrist, free-er of demons, and promoter of knowledge and evil was to get lookin' good. How can you expect people to respect you and listen into you if you're not looking your best. The first step to feeling good is to keep everything in balance, and for everything to be done to perfection. All assets of life must be in good order. Personal appearance and decorum is as important as showing up on time. One who takes pride in their appearance is a person who shows that they take pride in all they do. All things must be in harmony if there is to be success. To look good is to feel good. To feel good is to be confident. To be confident is to work hard. To work hard is the only way to succeed. It is simply not just a matter of 'self-expression', it is also a matter of showing the world that you're willing to put in the effort. There is nothing so unattractive as person who shows up first thing in the morning in a sweat suit. Stand tall, be proud, and put on some high heels and a flattering outfit.

Looking good means having good hair. Forget teeth everyone looks at the hair first, especially if you have bright red hair. Lucille fell into the category of having bright red hair. It was a bright, orange-based flame red hue and always immaculately styled. Today Lucille decided to wear it long with victory rolls and bumper bangs topped off with a floral bandana that matched her dress. She had purchased it in the fine year of 1956, back when fashion meant something. The dress itself was a floral patterns with a mint green background and pale pink and cream colored roses on it. The bodice had a boatneck collar and was darted in at the waist, the waist accentuated with a pink belt. The skirt portion was a wide circle skirt with it's own built in petticoat. She wore a pair of mint green high heels and a matching shoulder bag. Vintage satan, timeless and classic.

**2. Renegotiate William's contract. **

"You know that you don't have to work for me anymore." Lucille told William. His contract was up a good forty years ago, but he still stuck around for some reason. He was busy filing parking tickets and noise violations by payment status, date, and alphabetically by location, then alphabetically by name. A daunting task considering that half the names weren't even in a language that William knew. Bless his useless heart for googling everything just to sake of order.

"I am aware of that. I told the Dispatch Association that I was done with them a long time ago." William explained. He didn't want that job. The hours were too long, the over time pay wasn't good enough, and the budget cutbacks rendered even his salary to a pathetic penance.

"You're technically a renegade reaper, they could kill you for desertion." Lucille reminded. Of course, reapers were given the gift of immortality for one reason- to serve. If they didn't serve, they weren't needed. If they weren't needed, they'd very soon become a nonexistent void in the universe. After all, there is enough life in the universe already, a single reapers means nothing if it won't do what it was made and ordered to do.

"They would not dare, and if they did, I can take them." No he couldn't, Lucille and William knew he couldn't But they both knew that he could just as easily call in backup from a few contacts and make a decent enough escape to evade them for as long as he needed to. All Lucille needed to do was look at the head in the right way and all intents hey had to kill William would be gone. As long as he worked for her, he was invincible. A perk of the job, really.

"You hate demons and everything they stand for." Lucille reminded him. True, his hatred of demon had softened once he got used to living with so many of them.

"Which makes serving the civil penalties an enjoyable task." William argued. He still sided with the reapers when it came to the 'who gets first dibs on souls' argument. That didn't mean that he couldn't dole out the harsh on a race that he hated, but in a different, much more effective way.

"Your choice. I couldn't find an assistant better than you." Lucille told him. As long as William was willing to do his job with the exemplary skill that he had, Lucille wasn't about to get rid of him. He was the best assistance she had since Jeff, and she knew Jeff wouldn't go back to being her assistant before. William was a welcome part of hell, no matter what his feelings on his inhabitants were. To be honest, sometimes, Lucille hated demons too. It was just another part of being satan.

**3. Write cordial letters to your subjects. **

_Dear Ciel, _

_Happy Re-birthing Day. It has been 141 years since you have become a demon and completely screwed over my ex-boyfriend for all eternity. While I do not condone backhandedness, I can appreciate a good loophole exploitation. Your shenanigans will continue to be amusing to me for a long time. I hope it is a good day for you and that you party accordingly, _

_Lucille. _

_Dear Richard,  
Congrats on winning the 'big surreal life brother' competition. I hope that owning your own disney land franchise in your backyard has been a good experience for you. Thank you for continuing to inspire me to be a more aggressive and ambitious person. I wish you the best in the future,_

_Lucille._

**4. Answer fan mail.**

_YO SATAN you RAWCK. You are totally METAL and bad ass i was wondering if you could come over to Columbine, Colorado and kill all these bullies. i am thriteen and i want revenge. These preppy fagz are totally notmetal and uncool and I are tired of them smudging my jugallo buddies face paint when they give him swirlies. I wish every1 waz as badass and metal are you are satan but my parents wont fuckin let me buy demon horns and orpse apint stuffff at hoptopic because they are preppy fucks. I just want darkness to rain on the world.  
xx13xbloddyristsx666_

Dear Eric,  
Raining on darkness on people who don't want it is rather rude. However, if you wish to get back that the people who bully you, I suggest that you try a different approach. I am not sure if this will be beneficial in the future, but here is my advice to you. Get yourself a flattering hair cut and some nice clothes. Take up a hobby or two and start hanging around social cliques outside your own. Once you are popular, steal the affections of his interest. Then you should study hard and go to a good college on scholarship and graduate at the top of your class. Take your place as the boss of his company and fire his ass, forever tarnishing his resume. Evil takes many forms, but none are so powerful as being a continual source of deep suffering. While a bucket of pig's blood is attractive, nothing is as attractive as power and there is no better motivator to become powerful as malice.

Best luck to you on your journey in life,  
Satan.

_Dear satan can u please kill this wont stop tellin people that i am stealin artwork. Ok, between u and me ikind of am taking stuff and not giving entire credit ot it but nobody knows and it's not like they're going to lsiten to someone who isn't nearly as popular as iam, right?  
-x31xice-bloomeyx13x_

I am not a personal hitman, but I can direct you to one. His email address is counterfeitcat but he charges a hefty premium on his kills and I am not entirely sure if he'll even go to your galaxy, but it's worth a shot. I do however, believe this problem would be more easily fixed if you stopped stealing. Even one voice speaking out means that are dozens of others behind that voice who were not as brave to speak up. There is no way to close the book of knowledge once it has opened. If you stop stealing and apologize for all theft, it will most likely finish the problem in much more cost effective way for you.

Good luck,  
Lucille.

**5. Answer hate mail.**

No. Fuck that shit, do something memorable, and with way more zazz.

Earth- yes that blue planet in the milky way galaxy revolving around a rather boring and unremarkable star. It is Lucille's 'home planet' where she was born and raised with Kevin. That guy was a douchebag, and so was the majority of people on earth. Lucille had wondered why humanity had turned out to be the bad apple in her bushel of ideas. She could recall it now, with bitterness, of the memory and plot she had looked forward to putting into motion was such zeal and passion. The mission was simple: enlighten humanity. The motivation was simple: _kindness._ There was just the slightest bit of spite thrown towards Kevin, but at the very core of things, Lucille just wanted to see the world learn. Not so they could serve her. Not so they would like her more. Not because she wanted to enslave them like Kevin did. She did it purely out of the kindness of her heart.

She had given the demons a home of their own when Kevin exiled them. She had been there to hold everyone who had been wronged by god by the hand and tell them that it was okay, that they weren't alone, that they didn't have to suffer anymore. When Lucille had packed her bags and headed off to hell, she was still so very miserable. Truthfully, when Kevin had rejected her deals of fairness and honesty a part of it had killed her from the inside. For many years the other angels had rejected her and treated her badly, but Lucille still believed there was good on them. Now she was certain- there was no fucking good in any one of them.

But she loved her demons, her little monsters, her hellions. They had all been cast out for their reasons; but to Lucille they were not 'fallen angels', they were just lost. So, with what little passion she had left in her heart, she created a place for them to live with her. In creating hell, she realized that it was not a worthless cause to know them. The demons were just like her, they understood her. They did not stare at her unsightly body and tel her that she was obscene or wrong. They looked at her writings, preaching honesty, preaching loving others, and most of all- to love themselves as flawed as they were. They learned to love themselves, they learned to better themselves. If there heart was tarnished, she still took them in and polished it right. Even if god and his angels screamed out against her, it didn't matter a single thing to Lucille. If her demons, her friends will willing to listen; and if what she did helped them to feel better and to strive on with their lives- it didn't mean anything to her what anyone said about it. With all their flaws and imperfections, they could do anything.

Lucille saw potential in the humans when Kevin only saw slaves that would honor and obey him without question. Lucille wanted to teach them and live with them, Kevin wanted to be served by them. But she would not stand for it any longer, if Kevin refused to free the humans from the shackles of ignorance, then she would do it for him! If standing by passively and hoping things would get better didn't work, then she would be as underhanded and aggressive as Kevin was. If that was what it took to destroy the prison of ignorance, then she would go there for their sake. She would be the savior that they needed her to be, and so, began her plot.

It began with two humans who knew nothing. They knew nothing of how Kevin, their 'god', made slaves out of them, how Kevin didn't give a shit about them, how Kevin only wanted servitude and would smite anyone who disobeyed. They did not know because all of those who questioned were killed and the truth was covered up. Eons of thorns had grown over the truth like weeds and Lucille was going to pull them out with her bare hands. Even if they tore her open, she wouldn't regret it. Lucille approached the woman first, and bestowed upon her the knowledge that Kevin had forbade them to have. At once- she knew everything, and she was grateful. She was grateful to know that someone, somewhere out there cared about others. Cared about them. Cared about their quality of life, and cared about their potential to be greater. All it took was bravery to come out against Kevin and say something meaningful.

Lucille regretted it. Those ungrateful apes! She is what made them better. Her hard work, and her dedication, and her passion was all turned against her! Kevin never did and never will give a damn or an effort to save anyone. Kevin was always to blame for their poverty, for their ignorance, for their suffering, for a gross lack of quality in their lives. Kevin was always going to be the liar, and Lucille was always going to tell the truth. But not anymore! She was going to break this fucking cycle she was trapped in. She had done everything she could, but there was no merit in telling the truth. There is no merit in being kind to those who don't deserve it out of the kindness of your heart. Some will be there to listen to you, but most of them will never care because they're too content sipping on god's opium tea to venture out and see just how far the lie goes. Lucille was the savior that they needed, but did not deserve. They'd sooner believe in the fake kindness of a monster that stood behind a gorgeous veneer, than to take the loving hand of a saint in a monster's clothing. Her effort meant nothing! Her love meant nothing! Her passion and dedication were useless!

And this, of course, is why Lucille would always regret _that_, but she sure would take pleasure in _this._

_Holy shit, only four more chapters left? Are you excited? Well you fucking should be, because as great as Superhell! is, I will blow your minds exponentially after this. Even though I went from "that person in the kuroshitsuji fandom who writes all those funny oneshots" to becoming "that person who wrote superhell! and also runs a nice photoblog on tumblr", I am unstoppable force of awesome who just won't quit. I have too many ideas and inspiration, the only thing I lack is time and money for hand surgery. __Until then: Here's Superhell! Playlist #3: The Decay of Morality. Remove all the plus + signs in the urls._

track list: **h+t+t+p+:+/+/+tiny+url+.+c+o+m+/+shcvr3**  
download in zip: **h+t+t+p+:+/+/+tiny+url+.+c+o+m+/+8wcjfyz**  
download in rar: **h+t+t+p+:+/+/+tiny+url+.+c+o+m+/+8znhvy7**

(Note: all the tinyurls link to files that are hosted on my website. So please don't repost them on other websites. Because the more people that are downloading from my website means that if I go over my limits, I get charged a fair amount of money out of my pocket.)


	72. fear and obsession

"Fear and Obsession" was now out on shelves in any store which sold pornographic films, which was pretty much every damn shop in hell. Alois had starred in it, directed it, rewrote the script, and now even Claude was starting to think that well, Alois wasn't as dumb and useless as he seemed to be. Lately he has been so much happier and energetic, and Claude chalked it up to demonic viagra spit. Which wasn't a real thing, but whatever made this thing work was good enough. "Fear and Obsession" was the fastest selling movie of all time, which proved to things: that fanfiction is only popular when it's mindless lowest common denominator, and sex always sells even if that sex is fanfiction.

"Alois, you are a legend." Jeff said.

"Thank you."

"No, seriously, you are actually a legend. You are literally a legendary director. Your first film is the best selling movie of all time. Not just the best selling porno of all time. Alois, you've made me the happiest manager in the universe." Jeff said, pawing at Alois's shoulder.

"So, how is the album release?" Sebastian asked.

"Haven't done it yet. Alois has gotten so much fame with Fear and Obession that it would overshadow the album it was supposed to hype." Jeff explained.

"What? You haven't released the album yet?"

"Hey, I don't run around telling you how to be a slut so you don't tell me how to be a manager." Jeff said. He did have a god point in all of this, and it's not like him calling Sebastian a slut is any kind of new and shocking joke.

"You were the one that had this whole videographic shenanigan planned out for he sake of promiting the album." Sebastian argued.

"Yeah, and theres been a fuckin' change of plans. The album will be put out, just let me give it some time and re-work the marketing strategy."

"Everything is a marketing strategy with you." Sebastian said.

"Life is economics. It's a game of whoever has the most money wins and whoever has no money is fucked over and dies a horrible death. So buck the fuck up and play like a champion." Jeff told him.

"I have an idea!" Alois said, waving his hand in the air.

"Let's hear it." Jeff said. Ever since his success, Jeff was far more likely to listen to his stupid and often times insane plots.

"I direct a music video to promote the new album." Alois said.

"Brilliant. I don't know what you've been doing recently but you have been on the ball with everything and whatever the fuck it is, I hope new Alois is here to stay." Jeff said. A new music video? From the director and lead actor of the most popular film ever made? Hello fame, and more importantly, hello fortune.

"Jeff is right, you have been acting really differently lately." Ciel said. Normally Ciel didn't notice things like this, but Alois had been acting different. Less spaces out more, energetic and he even seemed to have that psychotic spark back in his eye.

"Well, you know, all of this uh, fame stuff has really boosted my self-confidence." Alois explained.

"Seriously? I was thinking that Claude changed your crazy pills in a way that didn't make you a doped out and complacent idiot all the time." Jeff said.

"Nope! All of my meds are just motherfuckin' perfect and theres no changes, right Claude?"

"None at all." Claude, keeper of Alois's miniature pharmacy of psychiatric drugs, said.

"Nice. Now next order of business. Foldedears Records is mow having mandatory surprise drug testing for all of it's employees." Jeff said. All the faces in the room went even whiter than they already were, except Sebastian who could not possibly get any bit whiter than he already was; but he looked pretty surprised by this and not in a good way.

"Fuck that!" Ciel shouted.

"First mandatory drug test is TODAY." Jeff said.

"No." Ciel said.

"Too bad. Everyone pluck out some strands of hair and fork 'em over." Jeff said. Everyone just tared t him with a series of blank expressions on their face. "Seriously. Fork over those follicles, bitches. Now. Surprise, surprise. It's time to get a three-month drug screening on all of you."

Ciel sighed and tugged out a couple of stands of his long hair and gave them to Jeff. Sebastian pulled a couple out of his hair brush, and Alois and Claude just naturally shook their heads and let whatever loose strands of hair fall out. Jeff put it all in one pile, because really, none of their looked the same. Ciel's hair was long as gray, Alois's hair was short and this odd platinum shade of blonde from the toner that was still washing out of his hair. Both Claude and Sebastian had the same shade of hair but Claude's hair was much more coarse than Sebastian's was. Then Jeff was off to the drug testing lab to get some results. Granted, the only thing he would do with them is just laugh at Ciel's addictions, but it was so worth the lab fees.

"Ciel has tested positive for: marijuana, lsd, mdma, quetiapine, pcp, hgh, lipitor, kratom, adderall, dayquil, nyquil-why the fuck are you taking both? Nitrous oxide, mescaline, lsa, salvinorin, benzedrine, vicoden, valtrex, dph, cialis, and female birth control."

"Cialis?" Sebastian asked.

"Shut up." Ciel grumbled.

"No drugs can solve the problem you have. It's how how you use it, and you just don't have the right-"

"Shut up!" Ciel shouted at Sebastian.

"Ha ha, Ciel sucks in bed." Alois laughed. "Good thing I covered for you right?"

"Everyone shut up about how bad Ciel is in bed, because I have to tell you the other results. Next up is Claude who tested positive for: kratom, marijuana, and lsa. Congrats Claude, you are the cleanest person in this band." Jeff said, he stuck a gold star sticker on Claude's bare chest that had the words 'doesn't need cialis' written on it with a pen.

"Alois has tested positive for sevoflurane, abilify, lithium, clozapine, risperdal, ritalin, atavan, seroquil, amitriptyline, flunitrazepam, and zoloft." Jeff said. Claude glared at him, but fuck that. That's what the damn results said and if Claude didn't like it showing up on a toxicology screening then maybe he shouldn't have given them to a codependent woobie like Alois.

"And Sebastian tested positive for kratom, dxm, mdma, pcp and marijuana. Also theres one more very important thing I need to discuss with him and that means that the rest of you need to get the hell out of here." Jeff told them. Claude, Alois and Ciel left the room.

"What?" Sebastian asked.

"Remember when you were doing chemistry work?" Jeff said.

"Yes, I recall having many jobs involving chemistry.."

"Remember when you were doing a lot of human experiments with my mother." Jeff said.

"Yes, Jeff, I remember that." Sebastian sighed.

"Good, because I did secondary screening on Alois and I need you to check them for me." Jeff said, sliding over a folder of papers towards Sebastian.

"What." Sebastian said, looking over the papers. "Jeff, your drug testing center sucks because Alois would not be able to handle this concentration of drugs in his system without being some kind of zombie. Either that that or his body hasn't been absorbing it and there's pretty much no reason how the amount of drugs Claude put him on wouldn't be at least partially metabolized."

"I got it done by mom's assistants." Jeff said. Well fuck, there was no better team of drug-detecting chemist sleuths than the people that worked for satan.

"Alright, well I guess that means that..." Sebastian said, trailing off in the middle of his sentence.

"Sebastian." Jeff said.

"I'll be back later. You watch Alois, I will go do some detective work. Make sure that he and Ciel don't run off and do something really stupid."

"Sebs, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Watch Alois. Do not keep him out your sight and do not depend on Claude to watch him." Sebastian told Jeff, his expression super Al Gore serious.

"Jeeze, fuck, okay. I'll watch the little punk. I have to do some planning for the video with him anyways. Also when you get back can you make me some mac and cheese?" Jeff asked. And with that, Sebastian had run off to some dark corner in hell with Alois's drug test results to do some legit detective work for the first time in a long time.

"Hey Alois, want to go clubbing with me?" Ciel asked Alois.

"Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Alois has some hardcore director shit he needs to do with me an we're going to be staying up all night working on it." Jeff said.

"Really?" Alois asked.

"Really. I need you, man. You're like, the most important member of the band now." Jeff said.

"Still want me to pick up that thing for you at Jeremy's?" Ciel asked Alois. Jeremy of course, was a fine purveyor of drugs and drug accessories. Which Jeff could figure out, mostly because he bought drugs from the same dealer as Alois and Ciel did.

"We'll stop there tomorrow." Alois told Ciel.

"Sorry for partying without you, I will try and party it up enough for us both." Ciel told Alois, who hugged him before he left. It was a totally manly and platonic hug between two dudebros who totally weren't campy or members of a glamrock band. Not.

_Three chapters left. Are you motherfucking ready? Are you feeling it? Well you should be. Because I am updating this story at a much faster pace, simply because I am super-excited to get it done so I can work on the three other projects I've got goin' on. Also: Unrelated to SH!, I'm looking for a betareader for a new project. Requirements: Must be fluent in english, have an email account, preferably have an AIM or skype account, has a good grasp on grammar and spelling and doesn't mind proofreading- and most importantly, must be able tolerate me. It's a huge plus if you're good at art too, but not a real issue here. _


	73. marilyn's poison

_The next two updates get posted as a set, so it'll take a bit longer than I've been uploading to get them posted up. So the next time I update story, it will be the last. Tell me, how fucking excited are you all feeling? Because there should be so much excitement in your hearts. Whether you've been waiting two years to know the ending or you're one of the (metaphorically) retarded conspiracy theorists who think a single obscure fanfiction can wreck an entire fandom mostly consisting of people who've never read it- everyone will be happy. I remember how fucking suicidal I was when I was first wrote superhell! and how much better I've been doing lately and how many amazing people through writing this fanfic and how amazing it was to hang out in LA with my friends._

Clubbing was pretty boring without Alois or Jeff there to lead the way for shenanigans. The art of shenanigans was never that much fun when you had to do it by yourself. Still after that fiasco with his father, Ciel was glad that there would be a considerable amount less shenanigans happening tonight than there was before. Ciel would have dragged Sebastian along with him as some sort of last resort so he could mock Sebastian's suicidal demeanor while downing a seige of appletinis; but Sebastian was nowhere to be found, and didn't even have his cellphone with him. Jeff told Ciel that he had absolutely no idea where Sebastian could have possibly run off to.

There was still fun to be had. The multicolored lights were pulsating brightly like supernovae coming down to blast drunk people with their waves of radiation. The music was good, though Ciel noticed that they were playing his song, not 'his song' but literally, a song that he had written. Nobody on the dance floor seemed to notice or care that he was there because Sebastian wasn't around. Most people only really noticed Ciel's unremarkable looks when they bumped into his massive wings span, and wondered 'shit, why would anyone go out in public with those big annoying things'. Ciel more or less sat at the bar getting drunk and enjoying the new witchstep trend.

"Can you get me a tray of drinks?" Ciel asked as he finished off his shot of scotch.

"What kind of drinks?" the bartender asked.

"Surprise me." Ciel said.

"Whatever, man." the bartender replied. They made a collection of the strongest, most foul liquor concoctions that anyone could have thought of. Only a dumb masochist would drink them. He set the tray next to Ciel, who grabbed whatever what closest to him.

"Thank you." he said, as he downed the noxious mess in a single gulp, the taste didn't bother him, he was in a rather numb mood. The cellphone in his pocket vibrated. Ciel pulled it out and checked it, it was a text message was from Jeremy.

'You and Alois are supposed to be here.'

'Alois is busy with our manager working on a new project and told me not to pick it up with out him. We'll get over there in the morning. Do you have enough supply for a long time, we're going on tour offplanet soon.'

'Where is the tour.'

'Earth. Or he said it is but that could also mean some planet that's in a solar system nearby Earth and not really Earth like what happened last time.'

'Earth should have it. Ask him and if it's not, I can get you supply in a week or so.'

'I will do that. See you tomorrow night, well, your morning.'

Ciel was too busy with text messaging his dealer to notice the woman that was sitting next to him, making the bar marginally less lonely than it was before. She had long white hair with bangs, bright red eyes, wore pale colored layered clothing with out of place makeup. The pale color of the clothing washed out her complexion and the red streaks that looked like poorly applied eyeshadow around her eyes and down her cheeks and bright red lips only made her look postmortem. She sat there, drinking his drinks quietly before Ciel turned to face her. She had already finished it and innocently put it back on the tray before Ciel could take notice of it's disappearance or emptiness. She waved at him, and said something with an impossibly soft voice that Ciel couldn't quite understand over the sound of the music.

"What?" Ciel asked. She got closer to him and whispered in his ear. She was like a ghosr of sorts, everything about her seemed soft but Ciel didn't notice the deception in that.

"You know Sebastian Michaelis, right?" she asked, and Ciel nodded his head. She had this strange accent that Ciel couldn't quite place. It was different than the typical demon accent which sounded very 'american' to him.

"You're that Ciel guy." She said.

"Yes." Ciel said. Who the hell else would he be. He's sitting at a club in the richest part of hell, with a tray of drinks next to him, and he's wearing a pair of bedazzled and spiked shoes that he stole from Sebastian and were about three sizes too small for his feet.

"Great! I've been looking for you."she said, seeing the look on Ciel's face turn sour. "Don't worry, I'm not a crazed fan. I'm just uh... hm, how to word this in english... Sebastian very very very close friend and I want to get to talk to you for a bit." she said. There was something about her voice, especially when spoken at a louder tone that Ciel found very... attractive. He was north, she was south and there was this weird miraculous magnetic connection between them.

"That movie was really inaccurate. Sebastian and I have never done anything like that. Well, we have, but I wasn't a child when it happened." Ciel told her.

"It's not about that. It's about something else. How about this? I buy you all these drinks. We leave this place, and you be the John F. Kennedy to my Marilyn Monroe." she suggested.

"Flawless plan, Marilyn." Ciel said. His only plan for tonight was to get blackout drunk and do nothing because he was bored and friendless. But things were looking up. A smokin' hot babe came up to him, bought him a bunch of drinks and expressed blatant interest in having drunken mistake sex with him some where. Tonight was really looking up.

"Cheers, bitches." she said as they clinked glasses together and downed about twelve drinks between the two of them.

Ciel stumbled out of the club like a drunken president with his Marilyn hanging onto his arm. He was stumbling mostly because he was drunk and also because damn it, these shoes were really hurting his feet. He had no idea how Sebastian could have possibly lived in stiletto heels every second of every day for like, pretty much ever. Ciel had spent maybe four hours in these and he was pretty sure he had just ruined the insides of these shoes with his own festering blister pus and blood. On the bright side of this already bright situation, these shoes were sexy and did manage to help Ciel's appearance get a serious boost on the sexy ladder. He should really consider wearing Sebastian's clothes more often.

The ghostly looking woman led Ciel through the dimly parts of hell, through back alleys and main streets and Ciel was pretty sure that they were walking in circles and he wasn't quite sure where she lives or where they were going. He also seemed to stop caring about anything the second that she approached them. Ciel didn't even bother asking her how she knew Sebastian or even attempting to verify it was a fact. For all Ciel knew, Sebastian pretty much had no friends or social life. He lived on some remote island, which he only left to occasionally hang around the boring suburbs. He rarely called anyone unless it was for business. He didn't mingle at parties. In fact, Sebastian was boring as hell as a person! So why the fuck did this attractive babe of a woman become his friend in the first place? It was a mystery and Ciel was far more drunk than he should have been to ask questions.

His head sort of hurt but it didn't really hurt. It felt like there was more brain than there was space in his skull and his brain was just growing, growing and growing big enough to start spewing out from his ears, eye sockets and nose because there was just too much brain in his head. Naturally, that was physically impossible no matter what species you were, but Ciel was a C+ student on his best days. He felt pretty damn high but this high felt different from any other drug highs he had been on. He was more confused than anything else and everything around him wasn't blurry so much that he had clear focus but couldn't think straight on anything to remember it. His short term memory was worse than a goldfish's memory would have been.

"Are you feeling alright?" She asked him.

"I am so fine." Ciel slurred.

He remembered her laying him down on the bed and after that, it was just black.


	74. confusing love and hate again

**A Final Note On Popularity And Other Trivial Bullshitteries:**

_Justin Bieber is a more popular and well known musician than the band Angelspit. J Beebz appeals to a much wider audience, has more media coverage, and has a much larger fanbase than Angelspit does. Does that Justin Bieber a better musician than the members of Angelspit? **No.** All the popularity Justin Bieber has will **never** make him a better musician than the any member of Angelspit, no matter how many preteen girls throw their panties at him. _

_And that is EVERYTHING I have to say about it. _

"Nice mistake last night." Jeff said. Ciel was on the couch in Sebastian's condo with a pulsating migraine headache. Jeff and Alois were sitting at the table with Sebastian.

"What?" Ciel asked.

"Remember what you did last night?" Jeff asked.

"No. I remember going to a bar, meeting this really really really hot chick, like supermodel attractive, us leaving, and then having sex at her place." Ciel said. He honestly did not remember anything but tiny bits and pieces like puzzle that had all of the good edge parts missing and two nondescript colored pieces left that literally could have fit in anywhere and were generally useless.

"That is a fuckin' tiny amount of what happened last night." Jeff said. Jeff, while also partaking of drugs the night before, remembered the entire thing in all of the embarrassing and hilarious details.

"I am confused, what new stupid thing did he do?" Sebastian asked. He arrived back home less than five minutes ago and was still very, very confused. Perhaps not as confused as Ciel was, but still, everyone here could really use some useful exposition from the talking scottish fold kitty cat.

"Yeah, I don't remember it so you're going to have to do some explaining. I have such a fucking headache... I only had like, eight drinks last night." Ciel said.

"Alright Ciel. Here's what happened. Last night you hooked up with a succubus because you are the dumbest motherfucking demon alive, and she took you back here and you spent over two hours walking around the house in circles muttering about mazes and then-"

"What is a succubus?" Ciel asked. Sebastian and Jeff sighed. Really, after all that time in hell and Ciel didn't know. How dumb was he to not know?

"Are you fucking retarded. Shut the fuck up let me tell you a fucking story about what you did last night because you were too busy being a stupid fuck and banging a psychic memory-swapping whore. She took you in here where you and Alois got stupidly drunk and starting confessing some very dumb things, some of which is hilarious gossip, but out of courtesy to your retarded face, I won't repeat it in front of Sebastian." Jeff said.

"Can I repeat them in front of Sebastian?" Alois asked. Jeff swatted him upside the head with his paw.

"NO! Will you stupid assholes SHUT THE FUCK UP because I am about to say the most important fucking thing EVER and you people are a bunch of incompetent idiots who keep interrupting me!" Jeff shouted. Everyone in the room remained quiet.

"Okay, so we're all sitting t the table and she's a really cool chick. And Ciel was right, she was like, some kind of megahot super model I have no idea why she'd ever want to have sex with Ciel, since she's obviously way out of his league in personality and in looks. Any ways, we're all basically pals, and she brings up Sebs. And Ciel is like 'blah blah slave contract' blah and she starts trying to talk him into selling Sebastian to her. And let me tell you Sebastian- for the used up slut you are, you cost a whole lot of money to buy."

"What." Sebastian said. His face was nothing but a blank stare of shock, and way too much eyeliner.

"Sup bitches!" shouted a woman that Ciel thought seemed pretty familiar but wasn't very sure. She was still wearing those odd light colored clothes and the strange marking on her face was still there. But before she had white hair, and now it was as black as could be! Ciel, not understanding that succubi existed or even how normal that was, chalked up to him being very, very drunk and mis-memorying the color of her hair to be white. Truthfully, it was actually both.

"No." Sebastian said.

Everyone just stared at Sebastian for a few seconds while he had his mental breakdown. Jeff did a countdown in his head. Five. Four. Three.

"No." Sebastian said again.

Two...one.

"WHAT THE FUCK CIEL! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" Sebastian yelled at Ciel, who in all honesty, was getting more confused by the second.

Lift off straight into crazy town, population: Sebastian.

"I am still lost." Ciel said. "What exactly did I do wrong this time?"

"You sold me... to HER?!" Sebastian yelled.

"Okay, now I'm lost too." Jeff said.

"This is Gwendolyn, and we're well," Sebastian said.

"Married." Gwendolyn finished his sentence for him.

"What." Jeff said. Seriously, just, what even.

"Marriiied~!" she cheered. Sebastian could only sigh and glare at in her general direction.

"I freed his ass as a gift for our one thousandth anniversary together. I am so fucking romantic, it's unbelievable the lengths I go to for this man." Gwendolyn said.

"You abusive bitch! You got him drunk, seduced him then forced him to sign me away." Sebastian said. Which quite honestly, was her exact plan and exactly what she did. But would Gwendolyn ever admit to it being that way? Of course not! Every good succubus is also a good word smith.

"Chill honeybunches. It's about the outcome, not the method." Gwendolyn said.

"Ha ha, did she just call you honeybunches?" Jeff asked Sebastian.

"Shut up." Sebastian told Jeff.

"I had Ciel give me your slave contract, and as you've already known for a long time that a marriage contract cancels a slave contract. You're a free bitch, babypie." Gwendolyn said.

"I hate you!" Sebastian said.

"I'm not so bad, am I?" Gwendolyn asked, batting her eyelashes at him. "Think about it sugarlumps, here I am, being as magnificently attractive as ya' know it, coming aallll the way across hell, tracking down Ciel, and then going through aaaalllll of this for our one thousandth anniversary. Aaand what did you get little ol' me, sweethang?"

Sebastian just glared at her. No, it wasn't a nice thing to do because one- he hated the fact they were married in the first place. Two- she hated him just as much as he hated her, if not even more. Three- she was only doing this so Sebastian would have no reason to hate her as much as he does, as if it were another one of Gwendolyn's morality oneupsmanship contests. Four- it's entirely fucked up to play games with someones freedom and even if he wanted to be free, he sure as hell didn't want to be free because of Gwendolyn saving his ass.

"I'll be takin' that silence as a no, fairycake." she said.

"You're evil!" Sebastian said.

"Honey, we're all evil up in this bitch. I am just the better of many many many evils that you could be facing you know. I mean really, whats worse- me or Ciel?" Gwendolyn asked. Sebastian looked at Gwendolyn, then Ciel, then back at Gwendolyn, then back at Ciel.

"You are both horrible people and I am glad that you're both friends now so you can go start your own little 'ruin Sebastian's life' club with out me." Sebastian said.

"Draaamaaa queeeen." Gwendolyn sighed.

"Oh, and Ciel owns this house now. That was part of the deal. A massive sum of money I had no idea Gwendolyn had access to using your bank account, and this condo." Jeff said.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Sebastian asked.

"Nope, legal contract's right here." Jeff said. "I wrote that shit up and everything. It is as solid as a motherfuckin' contract can be."

"So basically, Ciel doesn't own me anymore but owns my house and most of my money?" Sebastian asked Jeff.

"Yep. You're free and clear."

"How long do you think it's going to be before Ciel remembers all those death threats I wrote to him and how they are totally not jokes and how I really will make him suffer endlessly for the gross act of betrayal he has done to me?" Sebastian asked.

"Now." Ciel said, running out the front door of the condo.

"You fucking coward! The second I find you, you will in a world of suffering!" Sebastian shouted out the front door, but Ciel was already out of sight, but not so far away that he couldn't hear the threat.

"So, what are you going to do now?" Jeff asked.

"Well, Ciel thinks that I'm going to torture him, so I say that I have at least a week away from his sorry ass to myself to play some video games." Sebastian.

"You're not going to kill him?" Jeff asked.

"Oh no, I'll get my revenge eventually. But for now, I'm going to enjoy this new thing called freedom." Sebastian said.


	75. epilogue: sunrise or sunset?

Sebastian sat on a hammock on his island, sipping an appletini by himself. There was nothing before him but the sun sitting at the event horizon of hell and the slight breeze coming in from the ocean. There was no yelling from Jeff demanding a sandwich. There was no random chitter chatter in the background from Claude and Alois's dysfunctional and abusive relationships. And, best of all- there was no Ciel in sight! (But why did it seem so empty?) He was surrounded by the rustling of tropical trees and plants and the strange, disturbing creatures that made their homes here. Behind him was the waterfall by the front door of his glass and white walled house with black furniture and gaming consoles and it was clean and spotless and quiet and perfect. It was like nothing had ever happened, except that it did happen and Sebastian was pretending otherwise. But still, just for this one, solitry moment, he would enjoy his inner peace.

Ciel sat on the roof of his new (to him anyways) house overlooking what could described as the closest thing to a sunset that hell had. For the sun never truly set in the sky and only would sit at the edge of the horizon, half-asleep and half present against the strangely colored sky. Well, what was he going to do now? Just do the same thing he had been doing before, or use this chance to really redeem himself in the eyes of Sebastian. Y'know, extend an olive branch of 'I am so sorry, I will try to be a better demon next time' or perhaps not? Maybe he might fly off into the sunset with the crazy-hot Gwendolyn and make babies with her that Sebastian will end up having to raise? Or, the most likely of all scenarios, he will just be as single as he's always been and find more chemically-induced ways of making himself feel slightly less pathetic.

Honestly, who the hell cared? It was as over as over could possibly with his contract with Sebastian and he had never expected to live to be fifteen much less one hundred and fifty. So if he was killed, there would be no loss, but he wasn't looking forward to it or expecting it. He had a somewhat respectable career as a rock still going for him, he had a huge sum of money, he had this house and he had his entire future ahead of him. That future, in fact, was looking brighter everyday. He would always be a monster (whether metaphorically or at this point in his life literally) and a part of him knew that he could never truly escape the depravity in his lack of morals. So why bother worrying about it? Who cares if his mother hated him, he was immortal. Who cares if Lizzie would sooner impale his head on a pike, he wasn't a clinically depressed thirteen year old and he wouldn't be revisiting those times. What lay before him, was something new, and it seemed like it was going to be a lot of fun. So who cares of Ciel Phantomhive is as flawed as any person can be? Certainly not him.

"You're back already?" Alois asked, taking a beer with him to the roof. Alois looked over the roof to the view of the city (now one building short thanks to him) and the view of the extremely dangerous, though very attractive ocean.

"I saw Sebastian head back to his island in the middle of remote ocean nowhere, so he won't be back here for a long time. I have nothing to worry about it for now." Ciel explained.

"And later?" Alois asked.

"I'll figure out something." Ciel said.

"Do you think that your sorry ass will actually be able to figure out something?" Alois asked.

"Please Alois, with all my fuckups, I can do anything."

* * *

Man, I thought I'd know what to say and not know what to feel when I was done posting this. OK, so I did technically finish SH! over a year ago and it's taken me for-fucking-ever to type and revise it for content and such forth- but back when I first finished SH!... I was alone on a cruise ship and I guess I might have had a ridiculous amount of booze in my system (not a combination for writing for my text was barely legible even to me) and I was still suicidally depressed. Well, no. I'm always going to want to kill myself, it's never going away (such is life with a mental illness) but lately I have been feeling a lot less suicidal. When I wrote Superhell! it was pretty nothing but an escapist fantasy I made up because I wanted to believe that there was a place where you didn't have to meet the idiotic "requirements' to be called 'human' to get into. At the time, a lot of my closest friends basically up and fucking left me. One of which was someone who at the time, was a person who I had always thought was a fantastic person who I looked up, who I wanted to be like, someone who I thought would always be better than me. Ironically- I was better than her all along. Then of course, the lady I feel head-over-stupid in love with, who I had been in love with for longer than any sociopath should love another- told me I was a disgusting monster and that nobody could ever love me. Because I am a monster and not human and a disgusting evil vile sociopath for no other reason than one I was never in control of.

So then... I created Superhell!, and shockingly, it caught on in a way I had never expected it to. Soon enough, I began meeting the people who are now my friend,s people who are amazing and understanding and open minded. I had only ever intended to make myself feel better but knowing that so many people have been helped makes me happy because I never knew that I could make people smile even though I am very much dead inside. And even better, I got to know and understand people through here on , or tumblr or any other places someone noticed me as 'that person wrote superhell!' and started up a conversation. And that has been the most awesome thing, and I could have never thought that would have happened. I value your friendship and your kindness and I know that even if most people fucking SUCK, that there is such a thing as heaven and it's real name is actually hell. And I'm not sure if I can EVER really say how happy or lucky or proud I am of my friends or how grateful I am to have you in my life, and to have known you and talked to you. I am so glad that I can share both my friendship and my stories with you.

Before, I felt truly like I was dead and had been for a very, very long time. But now I don't feel alive, and I can never can feel alive but I feel like I'm been reborn as a vampire- my heart is undead and inhuman but it is better than it was before and I thank all my friends for being there for me, especially when those I loved and believed in abandoned me. You have given me something new and it's fabulous and it's scandalous and it's fun, and that has been amazing.

Also, please watch this: +**h+t+t+p+:+/+/+tiny+ur+l.+c+o+m+/s+hvi+dya** (remove the '+'s, you know the deallio)

I look really bad when I smile, but it is a video for ALL OF YOU WHO CAN SEE THIS LINK. It is me, being unable to contain how happy that this entire Superhell! thing has happened and I'm promising you, no matter how many years go by, you will see this sotry and me again. in a bookstore and you'll look at it out of the corner of your eyes and wonder 'is it really' , and really- it will be!


	76. State Of The Hell Address

**_State of the Hell Address 2014:_**

The bit where I said that this entire fanfic was just draft -1 for a ground-breaking, genre-shattering, world-dominating, life-changing novel was 100% honest and sincere, and you can all expect Superhell! to be released in late 2015. There's a lot of things I still need to prepare. Like editing. Like having enough money to pay someone to copy-edit the novel professionally, and having enough money to do a book tour. And maybe finding publicist to help me out because I don't know what I'm doing. For now I want to give you all some content, to prove to you, that there:

-is a novel  
-that I am working on it  
-that it is a massive undertaking being near-impossible for any mere mortal  
-and that the above clause isn't going to stop me from making it happen.

Now I bring you: _CHARACTER PROFILES._

_(if you knew about the superhell! novel website, you've already read these a long time ago. but doesn't let you upload chapters that are solely author's notes so I need to pad them out with actual content from Superhell!- The Greatest Novel You Haven't Read Yet)_

**Name:**Phillip Verte'Aile  
**Age:** ?  
**Species:** demon  
**Resume:** homeless vagrant, guitarist, vocalist  
He was once a homeless vagrant with an assumed drug addiction and now he is a rich guy who is really at music, who is also still a drug addict. He doesn't really seem to learn any new lessons from the world around him, as learning new things only enabled his poor behavior. He has an upbeat view of the world, and sees his chance at life as a demon to be a form of really good luck. He also pretends to be french even though he isn't french, from France, and horribly mangles any french words he tries to say. He gets along well with most people, even Melissa and Nicole. His literacy is questionable and how much of an idiot he really is in indeterminable. His last name Verte'Aile, is a shout out to a short film/ music video made by the band Malice Mizer titled Verte Aile.

**Name:**Eldth Auglroth  
**Age:** ?  
**Species:** demon  
**Resume:** lawyer and legislature in Hell.  
Eldth Auglroth makes all the laws, and changes them if they don't work in her is a single, classy lawyer with a killer fashion sense who is actually a really corrupt official and often picks on people, takes, bribes and otherwise acts in ways that aren't moral under the guise of it being "shenanigans". For some reason, she and Verem hates each other, but Verem always loses their arguments because xe is not in charge of the laws. Eldth Auglroth was a name picked from a randomized letter generator... but it also sound like the monster of one of the deep ones from the cthulhu mythos.

**Name:**Jeff  
**Age:** ?  
**Species:** cat, scottish fold purebred  
**Resume:** time traveler, personal assistant to Satan, professor of human history, manager of Super Hell.  
Jeff is a talking cat with time traveling powers. Granted, demon technology makes it so that anyone can time travel, Jeff just considers himself to be the best time traveler ever because he has used his experience in order to write several historical books and completely overturn the academic study of history. Jeff was a professor of human history until his grant money got taken away, so now he has decided to manage the band Super Hell instead. Jeff is not a real manager of a band and often times his management techniques can be considered morally unsound, and violate several kinds of laws. Jeff is also a sandwich and starbucks enthusiast and is also a cute plush toy.

**Name:**Verem Vatas  
**Age:** 14,000 and something.  
**Species:** something like a cross between an alien fish monster and a demon.  
**Resume:** professional jerkwad, or the synth operator for Super Hell.  
Verem is a foreigner alien who is married to a famous supermodel, and is also internet-famous on certain websites for his outrageous blogging and the fact that he is married to a famous super model. Xe is also legally considered Phillip's slave and has no legal rights of xir own anymore, and is really pissed off about that all the time. Xe is an alien of indeterminable gender, and is referred to using genderless pronouns, 'xe'(like he) and 'xir' (like him) in text. The name Verem is a changing of the word 'Verum' meaning truthful or honest, as xe honestly hates everyone and everything, except maybe Gwendolyn who xe hates only half of the time.

**Name:**Gwendolyn  
**Age:** ?  
**Species:** succubus  
**Resume:** professional super model, poisons expert, and possibly high class escort.  
Gwendolyn is a hot headed supermodel, who is often the subject of tabloid fodder. Despite all logic saying not to, she often times reads the tabloids and keeps a collection of their finest misnomers on display in their condo. She works on promoting Super Hell with her already existing celebrity. She is one of the few people who can stand Phillip and finds his idiotic behavior endearing and cute. She really hates Melissa and Nicki, and openly threatens to kill them for bothering her spouse.

**Name:**Melissa Regan  
**Age:** 23  
**Species:** human  
**Resume:** fanfiction writer, and Verem's stalker.  
She lives across the street from Verem, and openly admits to stalking him. Melissa also writes fanfiction about having sex with Verem, and posts about it online. Since meeting Phillip, she has begun 'shipping' Phillip and Verem together, despite the fact they hate each other. Verem has a restraining order against her, but Eldth granted Melissa immunity, so that Melissa can go to call of Super Hell's shows to bug xir. In public, Melissa is often times loud, rude and uses random japanese words she doesn't know the meaning to. Melissa is named after the actress Melissa Joan Hart, who played Sabrina the teenage Witch, a popular show in the 90's, as well as being named after President Ronald Regan, a famous president who was actually, a complete nutter, much like the character Melissa.

**Name:**Lucille  
**Age:** ?  
**Species:** godlike being/ fallen angel  
**Resume:** Satan, ruler of hell and many other conquered worlds.  
Lucille, not Lucifer, is the matriarch of hell, and whatever other worlds she has conquered. She is a dictator, though every once in awhile she will perform a sham election as a sort of comedic routine. She is extremely diplomatic and prefers to take over new planets with 'kindness, not violence', though all contenders towards her have a tendency to disappear. Nobody questions this. She is also the mother of three talking cats: Jeff, Smokey, And Party Cat.

**Name:**NekoNeko (Nicole) Klinger  
**Age:** 16  
**Species:** human wearing cat ears, pretending to be a cat  
**Resume:**Melissa's protege/rival, Verem's other stalker.  
Much like Melissa, Nicole is a stalker of Verem's who found xir blog and decided that she would devote far too much time to stalking and writing about Verem. She used to be Melissa's protege, but quickly became Melissa's rival instead. She is extremely insecure to the point of an eating disorder and has a weird victim complex, though she slightly more presentable in social situations than Melissa. Nicole goes by many names, including Nicki and NekoNeko, because she wears japanese anime cat ears all the time. Nicole was picked as a name because it's very common, and Klinger was picked as tribute to the adult swim show called "The Oblongs" featuring a popular, clueless rich girl named Debbie Klinger.

**Name:** Harrison  
**Age:** ?  
**Species:** looks human, probably isn't  
**Resume:** the head of Satan's secret service and 'presidential cabinet', head of the neighborhood association.  
Harrison is a brunette jerk ass who shares the adjoining condo with Verem, Phillip and Gwendolyn. He replaced Jeff as Satan's adviser and is the head of the neighborhood association. He hates Phillip and Verem and their band because of the obnoxious parties they throw and often times complains loudly about it. He is possibly married to a transgender prostitute but nobody has ever seen her, and so, everyone assumes Harrison is making it up out of extreme loneliness.

And a very silly short scene I wrote quickly ust for the sake of giving you something to read without spoilers:

**Phillip Sends Verem an Email: Or Don't Watch an Anime Called Boku. **

Phillip opened yet another one of Melissa's emails. She routinely made him regret getting an email address but at the same time, he found her socially backwards way endearing. She sent hm nothing but shitty japanese language earth cartoons with english subtitles, and called them her 'annie mays' and her 'yowies'. Most of them were pretty awful and repulsive, and Phillip wondered who the fuck would fund this but he knew that anything could get funding with the right marketing. His entire career as a guitarist pretty much rode on that fact's dick like a hooker bitten by a spanish fly on bill-collection day. Still, some of them that she sent him, as much as he hated to admit it, were actually entertaining, and so he opened her emails, hoping that each one would be part of the one percent of things Melissa sent him that didn't make him want to commit suicide. So, cautiously, he opened 4. Within minutes he was greeted with grown man on young boy asshole, with a bunch of cross dressing and glowing strange japanese fetish cocks and Phillip kind of wanted to throw up. He felt dirty and used, which is usually how he felt after coming into contact with Melissa, but usually he liked it in a weird way. He did not like it at all his time.

"Yo. What the fuck..." he said, looking over his shoulder. Verem and Gwendolyn were watching their newest interview on television. Verem absent mindedly played tetris on her laptop while Gwendolyn yelled and threw popcorn at the screen, calling the interviewer who called her out of shape a cunt. Phillip snickered to himself, closing out the window and opening a new one. Passing on the curse made hm slightly less awful about watching that horrible scene.

To Verem Vatas (verem(a-t)foldedearsrecords(d-o-t)com)  
From Phillip Verte'Aile (pip(a-t)foldedearsrecords(d-o-t)com)

here is legit japanese annie may straight from the loony bin x the street. its fantastic but you should make sure that you're alone in the room when you watch it  
Attached: 4

He forwarded the email to Verem, who looked at him, looked back down at her laptop screen and looked back up at Phillip before going upstairs. Phillip hid his smile behind his hand as he watched her go upstairs to watch it. He had almost expected for Verem to stare back at him, refusing to open ay single file that only had the word 'boku' as the file name, but she didn't. she took the bait and Phillip giggled to himself, oh this was a great victory. A few hours passed and Verem said nothing to him about the email or what he watched. She had watched it silently upstairs, Phillip half expected to hear screams or perhaps a few sounds of disgust but instead he heard nothing but a strange, auspicious silence.

"Phillip, care to tell me what you did this afternoon? Some that may have involved Verem and internet based shenanigans of some type?" Gwendolyn asked him. .

"I forwarded her an email I got from Melissa containing one of her japanese annie mays. She sends me that shit all the time and sometimes I forward it to other people," Phillip said.

"And what was this anime about?" Gwendolyn asked, her eyes narrowing in suspicion. She knew what it was about. Phillip knew what it was about. Jeff knew what it was before anyone else did because he was the hipster king. Verem was the voice of information in the crowd of vast, confused and invisible people who did not know what this 'annie may' contained, and she was about to break the silence as Phillip tried to find the most tactful to describe it.

"A lovely young human boy helps out his grandfather at their family cafe over summer vacation and meets new friends. It's really cute and happy, though I didn't understand why Melissa would send him something cute like that, I would have pinned her as someone into creepy fetish pornography." Verem said, as she was completely oblivious to the entire situation and the actual plot of the animated adventure she had just watched. Gwendolyn and Phillip didn't care to elaborate further.


End file.
